U.N. Spacy

U.N. Spacy Live-Blogs The Oscars

2006-03-05T17:00:00.000-08:00

8:24 "Crash" wins Best Picture. Fuck you all.

8:23 People are just outright laughing at Jack Nicholson. Did he say "Capo-tang?" If he hasn't already, he'll be hooking up with Scarlett Johansson later.

8:21 Ang Lee makes the final allowable "Brokeback" joke. An era closes, not with a bang, but with crickets.

8:15 Both "Crash" and "Brokeback" have won a screenplay award. Usually they give one of these to the movie that doesn't get nominated for Best Picture but everyone really liked anyhow. Yet again I express my concern that "Crash" will upset the evening. Stop Paul Haggis before he kills again.

8:11 Larry McMurtry rocks the following: Cowboy boots, bow-tie, blue jeans. It's as close as we'll ever get to Sean Connery just not wearing pants at all.

8:09 Dustin Hoffman drunkenly teeters to the podium. Here's lesson 1 of "Why there shouldn't be keg beer backstage". Lesson 2? Yes, it is in fact "Meet the Fockers".

8:03 Ryan Phillipe narrowly avoids a blurb in US Weekly, when his wife namechecks him at the last possible second.

8:01 Reese wins, screencaps to be seen almost immediately on cuteoverload.com.

8:00 If anybody knows just how fucking hard it is out here for a pimp, it's Dame Judi Dench.

7:57 Every time "Brokeback Mountain" doesn't win an award, "Crash" gets perilously closer to ruining my evening. Of course, here comes Jaime Foxx, name checking 3 6 Mafia.

7:48 Phillip Seymour Hoffman wins. Nobody cares. If he's down, he'll start barking any second now. Matt Dillon looks kind of shocked.

7:44 Some Guy who worked on "Crash" is actually the first guy to make a "Don't start the music yet" joke.

7:41 "Tsotsi" wins Best Foreign Language Film. I'm really doing well in the Oscar Pool.

7:30 MVP George Clooney returns. Robert Altman is curiously excluded from the "In Memoriam" montage. Where the shizzy is Don Knotts? And, um, Robert Altman?

7:28 Jennifer Garner almost makes my year. Unfortunately, she stays upright. Do you think "I do my own stunts" refers to having Ben Affleck's baby?

7:25 A song with the word "Pimp" in the title WINS AN OSCAR. Cue the 5-second delay.

7:20 Finally, after hundreds of years, one can accurately say that Truer Words were Never Spoken. The AMPAS, that bastion of class and style, takes a little time out to remind you that Pimpin', in fact, ain't easy. Say word.

7:17 Forging a career out of the worst kind of "Twilight Zone" ripoff nonsense: Priceless.

7:14 That thing on Charlize's shoulder is, I'm rapidly becoming convinced, a "How to Get Ahead in Advertising" style evil twin, ready to spring forth and devour a stunned and helpless Lily Tomlin.

7:11 As Altman shambles, pale and zombie-like, to the podium, nobody recognizes the irony inherent in playing the theme from "M*A*S*H", entitled, "Suicide is Painless".

7:08 Altman clip montage brings the evening's first LiLo cameo. I once had a dirty weekend in Lindsay Lohan. I've been waiting to mention that all evening.

7:05 Robert Altman is spinning in his grave.

7:04 One of the sound mixing winners recalls his parents shock and dismay when he annonced his intention to go into sound mixing. He's shouldered from the mic before he gets to the part about convincing his parents by telling them of the very real prospect of one day meeting the star of Idle Hands.

7:01 Jessica Alba presents sound mixing award. Her selection has less to do with her numerous and acclaimed electro-ambient recordings than for the fact that she looks like Jem's head chewing-gummed onto Skipper's body. That or her R-less pronunciation of "memoir."

6:58 Jake introduces a shameless attempt to guilt me into not watching movies on my computer, or, for that matter, my TV. He forgets that DVD revenue pays his rate. Also, this montage includes shots from the weeniefied "Walkie Talkie" version of "E.T."

6:53 Gustavo Santaolalla's acceptance speech for Best Score tempts the Academy to hand out the Best Foreign Film award during a commercial break.

6:52 Did Hoffman just drop his popcorn?

6:50 Hayek actually nails the pronunciation of "Williams."

6:44 President of the Academy: "Let the good times roll, New Orleans." Before snickers begin, he hastily introduces Salma Hayek.

6:43 Judi Dench is still steaming about that bar fight crack. Morgan Freeman chews gum. Also, Mickey Rooney is actually still alive.

6:42 Sid Ganis narrowly edges out Bacall for "Most Awkward".

6:38 Seriously, the "Issue Movies" montage has the Aaron Copeland music they use on the "Beef: It's What's for Dinner" ads. Do you think Vegans all over this land are freaking out right now? Where's their issue movie?!

6:37 "SNAKES ON A PLANE, MUTHAFUCKAHHS!!!"

6:32 ABC's new "Miracle Workers" looks suspiciously like "Gummo the Series".

6:30 Careerbuilder.com reminds us that Monkeys = Comedy.

6:28 We haven't seen this much Interperetive Dance since our Sarah Lawrence genetics seminar.

6:27 "In the Deep" brought to you by Survival Research Laboratories.

6:25 J.Lo's conflict diamonds and deep fake-n-bake speak volumes more about racism than Paul Haggis ever could.

6:24 Who the crap are these dudes? Why do they get to win an Oscar for making a nice kids movie about penguins who just want to fuck?

6:22 Not to beat a dead horse, but seriously what is the story with Charlize's outfit? Is this part of the hagging campaign? Or did Reese pull a favor in exchange for Golden Globes Chanelgate?

6:21 For those of you lacking the temerity to read Defamer's live-blog (seriously, what are you doing here?), the Academy mispelled Will Ferrell's name on a marquee.

6:20 What's the deal with the bling on Terrence Howard's lapel? Forreal.

6:13 Warner clearly foots the bill on Lauren Bacall's walk to the podium. You must admit, they've done a good job of convincing the world they own the rights to every great film in history. As I type, Bacall's speech becomes increasingly awkward, and the room is veiled in a haunted hush.

6:11 Tab Energy makes us laugh. Then blush.

6:07 Michelle Williams learns that dressing as Gwyneth Paltrow will not land one a Best Supporting Actress statue.

6:04 Morgan Freeman narrates the award for Best Supporting Actress.

6:02 Stewart makes a really inside joke about the Tom Ford Vanity Fair cover. No one laughs. It's a lot like this live-blogging. Also, these nerds are totally, like, nerds. Earnesty, folks, will buy you exactly dick. And McAdams still won't get naked in VF.

6:00 I think, though without the results in front of me I can't be certain, that I've only missed one so far in the workplace Oscar Pool. Jen is going down in bright white-hot flames.

5:56 We take a commercial break to bounce over to Defamer's live-blogging of the Oscars. We are embarassed and cry in our guacamole. We do, however, consider taking on Lisanti in a blog-war over his dubious assertion that Keener's aforementioned texting was tapped on a Blackberry. We say nay.

5:52 Just how fucking brave is it to make a motion picture of a best-selling Oprah Book Club book? Or was she talking about the overwhelmingly non-Japanese casting stunt?

5:49 We're reminded that you hafta be a mom in the movie business to appreciate your children. Immediately afterwards we're again reminded of the tragic fragility of Jennifer Aniston's state of mind as she relates a numbed litany on Oscar-nominated costume design. Every word is a barely successful omission of the trouble of coping with life after Brad.

5:46 I'm both embarassed and bored. Time for chili.

5:44 Ah, Gawker Stalker was right. Luke is carrying some success chins.

5:36 This is for all you jerks that forgot that Dolly Parton is totally wicked awesome.

5:35 "Crackin' cheese" indeed. Get off the stage, already. But hey, there's Naomi Watts, perhaps the hottest woman on earth. Silence, please.

5:33 "Wallace & Gromit" wins. Evidence that God maybe doesn't hate me too much. Then again, "Crash". Also, those bow ties are rad.

5:32 The Cash estate apparently let the Academy license "Walk the Line" for orchestral purposes. It would be cool if Zombie Cash arose from the dead and ate Gil Cates' brains.

5:29 I'd sooner have nominated "Lazy Sunday" than recognize "Narnia" for a damn thing.

5:27 With some really quick Final Cut Pro work, you really could just erase Ben Stiller from this colorcast. Seriously, they pay this guy with actual money. I think Spielberg just said "Who is that?"

5:22 Finally, a fuckin' commercial.

5:21 Jake Gyllenhaal actually out-sads Paul Giamatti.

5:20 Clooney wins. Even the smartass in me doesn't have anything funny to say.

5:18 Johnny Drama probably thinks Matt Dillon's a pussy.

5:17 I wonder who's announcing Best Supporting Actor? Oh, it's...MY EYES!!!

5:16 Charlton Heston: "Who is that man? Which one of you stole my soup?"

5:11 "Crash" sucks.

5:10 Stewart should be cracking jokes about Cheney shooting that thing off Charlize Theron's shoulder. Snap!

5:09 Mystery texting bandit, aka "some woman", ID'd as Catherine Keener.

5:08 & HE TOTALLY BONED JOHN STUART! LOL!!!

5:07 Some woman seated behind Philip Seymour Hoffman was just busted on camera texting during Stewart's opening monologue. OMG GCLOONEY IS SOOOO HOT. CALL ME WHEN U GET THIS.

5:06 Why is Jack Nicholson sitting next to Keira Knightley?

5:02 They're opening the show with some video store clerk's exceptional DMT-induced hallucination. Ratzo Rizzo just yelled at the T-800 for getting in his way at the intersection.

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 574 - Feb. 13, 2006 (Jolie By 4)

2006-02-17T12:07:00.000-08:00

So continues the Death Match catch-up... Two issues back Angelina Jolie dramatically outperformed Jennifer Aniston. Then in the last issue Aniston seized the top spot, appearing more than twice as often as Jolie. At the moment the Death Match seems to be little more than a two-player game, with Jessica Simpson waiting in the wings to occasionally sit in for a hand. This week Simpson's on the cover with speculation on her new (or is it...) dating life. Will that be enough to claim the crown?

(1) Angelina Jolie. 16 images.
The answer is no, Simpson's playing of field is just no match for Jolie's bump. As with the issue from two weeks back, Jolie shines brightest while Aniston shows dismally, this week appearing only twice! One wonders if Us feels their readers will feel less conflicted if they aren't confronted with both leading ladies at once.

(2) Jessica Simpson. 12 images.
Despite falling short of the Number One position, "Single And Loving It!" Simpson shows more than admirably. It's helped by the dismal state of her wardrobe, Us devoting six pics to catching her wearing the same outfit twice, which I shouldn't hafta tell you is just gauche. As for the cover story, it positions four bachelors in prime competition for favors: Josh Lucas (2 images), Jude Law (3), Adam Levine (2), and Trace Ayala (2). No, I don't know who Trace Ayala is either (actually, I do, but I assure you that it's in all our best interests to pretend not to). Us readers prefer Levine, and all indications suggest that J.Simp is very much in tune with their preference. But Hollywood media expert Michael Levine says

"Jessica Simpson is a brand. The man she chooses will have an impact on her career. Dating an A-lister would get her an enormous amount of attention. A romance between two superstars is a great fairytale. It would be huge for her career."

In other words, not Bachelors Number One through Four. U.N. Spacy has two concerns with this analysis: first, is J.Simp's career really in need of resuscitating? and second, isn't it possible that Michael Levine is no more than a cantankerous jealous kid brother? Younger siblings can get very bitter - take it from Ashlee! Meanwhile, ex-husband Nick Lachey (2) is said to be dating former Miss Kentucky Elizabeth Arnold (1).

(3) Brad Pitt. 8 images.
It's become altogether routine that when Jolie brings her A-game, she does so with Pitt in tow. There was a time last year when Pitt enjoyed the unique luxury of benefiting from either Jolie or Aniston features. Now he pretty much has to rely on Jolie. All things considered, that still hasn't treated him too bad in these pages.

(4) Sarah Jessica Parker. 7 images.
SJP can be depended on to appear once or twice almost every week. This week, however, she enlists the help of a Sex And The City DVD ad to rocket her into the winner's circle. By the same token, Kim Cattrall pulls four shots.

(5) Sienna Miller. 6 images.
Will Us readers still look up to Sienna after dating the angsty Anakin? There's a case to be made that her stock would fare better with Jake Lloyd.

Other notables include Teri Hatcher (5), Mariah Carey, Hayden Christensen, and Lindsay Lohan (4 each). Mischa Barton, Jake Gyllenhaal, Felicity Huffman, Michelle Kwan, Eva Longoria, Madonna, Nicole Richie, Liv Tyler, Kanye West, and little Zahara each appear thrice. Jessica Alba appears twice. Pitiable solo shoutouts go to Tom Cruise, Hilary Duff, Paris Hilton, Gwen Stafani, Hilary Swank, and Reese Witherspoon. Ominouse absenses can be attributed to Katie Holmes and Britney Spears.

Other highlights include Jennifer Garner (2) talking about her dog named Martha Stewart, editor Janice Min's very own Bump Alert, and a feature detailing how much money Us's favorite ladies sink into the upkeep of their physiques (Aniston: $163K; Longoria: $34K).

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 573 - Feb. 6, 2006 (Aniston By 3)

2006-02-16T14:51:00.000-08:00

This is another of my catch-up Death Matches. Hopefully I'll be all caught up by Monday (cross fingers).

(1) Jennifer Aniston. 13 images.
Paybacks are such a bitch.

(2) Jessica Simpson. 10 images.
There's an article in this issue about Jessica tripping (by which is meant stumbling or falling, not asking for shoe-kisses or demanding to speak with the fucking manager). Reportedly she laughed it off with a little self-effacing humor. Goddamn, girl is so fucking down-to-earth.

(3) Britney Spears. 6 images.
"Britney wants a makeover." You're fucking kidding me.

(tie) Angelina Jolie. 6 images.
Quotables from the cover story:
"It's going to be one gorgeous baby!" - Stephanie March, actress.
"What a great way to grow up, with inspirational, role-model parents!" - Doug Liman, director.
"At the end of the day, I had to tell her, 'Don't forget to get some sleep, you're pregnant! She laughed." - Wyclef Jean, musician.
"We tell our patients, 'Not more than one drink a week.'" - Isabel Blumberg, obstetrician.
Not to worry, that last comment suggests no poor choices on Jolie's part. But I thougt it a fitting caution to Us readers for the remainder of this pregnancy.

(tie) Reese Witherspoon. 6 images.
Quite the coup for Ms. Witherspoon, but let's face it, after that Golden Globes dress fiasco, I think she had it coming to her. And in fact, that very scandal lands the Walk The Line star one of her six pics, and allows Reese to offer an olive branch to those twisted fiends over at Chanel. "It's the only dress that fit," says Reese, "and the only dress I liked." All the same, I think we can safely say there's one designer she won't be wearing to the Oscars.

Coming in with five shots apiece are Drew Barrymore and Vince Vaughn. Four each can be claimed by Paris Hilton, Brad Pitt, and Justin Timberlake, while three each shold be credited to Penelope Cruz, Catherine Keener, Ashlee Simpson, and Hilary Swank. Scarlett Johansson, Lindsay Lohan, and Sienna Miller each settled for two. Appearing only once were Jessica Alba, Mischa Barton, Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Eva Longoria, Denise Richards, Nicole Richie, and Gwen Stefani.

Oh and here's something from page 46:

"A source spotted supermodel Kate Moss, 32, and Jack Osbourne, 20, 'making out like crazy' at L.A. shot spot Teddy's on January 16. Osbourne tells Hot Stuff [ed. note: rakishly], 'I'm neither confirming nor denying it. She's a great old friend. Technically, I'm single.'"

After that "old" dig, I'd imagine so!

Why Does Brett Ratner Hate Us?

2006-02-15T15:19:00.000-08:00

Because he's bad.

Cam'ron Declares War On Internet Pedophilia

2006-02-15T14:56:00.000-08:00

It's not even been a month since Cam'ron tried to instigate a war with Jay-Z, but he's back in headlines today for announcing a DVD attack on child pornography. Pitchfork Media's Kati Llewellyn and Amy Phillips cover the story better than I ever could, so I'll pretty much leave it to them:

When it comes to catching pedophiles, who do you trust more: a man in uniform, or a man in a purple chinchilla coat?
Exactly.

At a recent press conference, rapper/entrepreneur/Dipset leader Cam'ron announced that he intends to wipe out the internet child porn problem in his own special way: on DVD. According to MTV.com, Killa was inspired by an MSNBC special report on adults using the World Wide Web as a tool to set up dates with children and adolescents. So he began patrolling the internet and the streets, deceiving, confronting, shocking, and, yes, videotaping creeps on the prowl for underage victims.

Cam told MTV, "When they get there, it's gonna be me and [my manager] Big Joe like, 'What the hell are you doing, you damn pervert? What the f--- is wrong with you, coming to meet a 13-year-old boy?' We're gonna talk to them and not let them leave until we find out what's wrong with them."

Hopefully, the interrogations will also include interpolations of cheesy 80s hits, references to Dora the Explorer, Juelz Santana guest spots, and clubbing dudes over the head with a Dipset Eagle piece and/or that massive spinning globe thing Cam has been wearing around his neck lately. Because we'd really, really like to see all of that on film.

After 10 such "get-togethers" have been put to tape (the count currently stands at two), Cam'ron intends to collect 'em all on one masterpiece DVD. Can this be on the same disc as the Killa Season movie? Please?

MTV also reports that according to Cam's Diplomats, the police won't be involved in any of this. No surprise there, as Cam has repeatedly refused to cooperate with the investigation surrounding his shooting in D.C. in October. Like we always say, if you can't get along with the law, get along above it.

In other news, Jay-Z continues to wear mandals.

But there's no real surprise here. Killa Cam has long made a point of educating and protecting our youth from the modern Gomorrah out there in the streets. Take for example, the care he puts into his cautionary "On Fire Tonight" (Ed. note: This song is wildly offensive. I'm note sure anyone at U.N. Spacy's made it all the way to the finish line, so you may not actually wanna download it.)

'Life & Style' Announces TomKat Split

2006-02-14T14:31:00.000-08:00

Admittedly, this isn't too far removed from a Bat Boy update. And yet, have any of these divorce rumors ever not panned out? The Cruise camp have already rebutted, stating that,

"Despite the malicious fallacies put forth by Life & Style magazine, the couple is looking forward to a long and happy life together as a family."

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 572 - Jan. 30, 2006 (Jolie By 2)

2006-02-13T12:18:00.000-08:00

I haven't done one of these in so long that I've practically forgotten how. Considering the low level of difficulty involved, I assure you that's nothing to boast about. And by the way, many apologies for the pitiable state of this blog this month. I'll not make excuses, nor will I promise or even confidently suggest that it won't happen again. Anyways, I've got a backlog of four issues of the glorious Us Weekly to tally up, so let's rush on through this. I don't know about you guys, but I'm eager to get to last friday's "Hooker Scandal" cover story.

(1) Angelina Jolie. 11 images.
Jennifer Aniston can seize as many magazine covers as she wants, but the sad truth is that prime checkout aisle real estate doesn't necessarily translate into Death Match gold. I mean no offense when I say this, but this is Baby Machine Weekly we're talking about. I know, I know. It's some cold shit.

(2) Britney Spears. 9 images.
Us reports that Brit's been truckin' about without her wedding band. Even as late as I'm covering this story, it was already yesterday's papers by the time Us got their paws on it.

(3) Jessica Simpson. 8 images.
No shit, Us actually runs an "Eyes and Lips Update," charting the degree of suspicious puffiness in disparate regions of her heavily made-up face. Us plastic surgery expert Mitchell Chasin claims that Restylane appears to be Jess's filler of choice. If Chasin had his wits about him, he traded this underhanded endorsement for some swag first. And oh yeah, Jess supposedly had a sleep-over party with edgy rock star Adam Levine (of Maroon 5 fame) on January 15th at the Chateau Marmont. But I'm guessing our readers are savy enough to already know all about that.

(tie) Brad Pitt. 8 images.
Here I'll bypass some of the drama and let slip that Jen doesn't make the Death Match cut this week. Also that Maddox reads Newsweek. It's pretty cute.

(4) Sean Preston Federline. 6 images.
Now that he's behind the wheel, I figure we'll see more of this kid in the coming weeks. And yes, that was about the lamest comment I could've typed in for young S.P. impressive showing. What can I say, I'm outta my game. And seriously, what else is there to say about the kid?

(tie) Scarlett Pomers. 6 images.
For the uninitiated, when you find yourself saying "Who?", you're looking at a human interest story.

The more famous Scarlett, Scarlett Johansson, capitalized impressively on Lindsay Lohan's nasty bathroom graffiti. With a little help from that story, both stars manage five shots. Other notables include Kate Beckinsale, Beyonce Knowles, Nicole Richie, also with five shots apiece. Showing respectably is, yes, Jennifer Aniston with four pics. And yes, that does indeed mean Jen was outshined by the not-pregnant star of Underworld: Evolution. George Clooney and Brittany Murphy also pulled four apiece. Settling for two images each are Kristin Cavallari (one in fashion police), Paris Hilton, Katie Holmes, Sienna Miller, and Hilary Swank. And, I almost forget, this ish contains a catty guess-which-female-celeb-is-older feature. The full spread and appropriate commentary can be found at Media Orchard. Enjoy.

We Roll Our Lazy Asses Out of Bed...

2006-02-07T16:13:00.000-08:00

...Just to show you this amazing piece of video. Stick with it for a minute. I can't believe Brit-Brit might have let him knock her up a second time. I guess water finds its own level.

U.N. Spacy to be Generous Reader's BFF.

2006-01-25T18:41:00.000-08:00

Yeah, so we haven't been posting for a while. Laziness, illness, lack of interest, impending nuptials, drunkenness and the Seahawks have all been major contributors. Sorry. We'll try and get it together. Know what helps? Presents! One lucky and generous reader will have the prestigious honor of having U.N. Spacy be their best friend forever if they buy us this. Men's medium, please. We'll take two if you're really feeling rich. XOXO.

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 571 - Jan. 23, 2006 (Lohan By 4)

2006-01-20T14:59:00.000-08:00

At this point I hope our readers have come to view tardiness as a vital ingredient of the Photo Death Match magic. This week's excuse is that it simply didn't show up in the mail. Our subscription's in good standing, and the Postal Service's army of holiday help should have all vaporized off the face of the earth by now, not to be seen until next November. In any event, I picked this one up off the shelves last night.

(1) Lindsay Lohan. 12 images.
To my great surprise, Us actually managed to get the Lohan bulimia denial into this ish, making their cover story far more current than Us readers have lately come to expect. The article traces Lohan's weightloss all the way back to an October 2004 kidney infection. Reportedly, the ensuing fray of "oh-my-gosh- you-lost-so-much-weight-I-wish-I-could-get-a-kidney-infection!" compliments during recovery tipped her into the land of Nicoles and Mischas. Now I'd like to think I had my finger to the Lohan gossip pulse back in 10/04, and I recall no such infection. Yet somehow Us makes me want to believe it, and I almost do. Oh, and as regards the more recent asthma incident, the Lohan camp is so giddy with the discovery/invention of their newest and Tefloniest excuse-all that Linds reportedly had the word "Breathe" tattooed onto her wrist. Us calls this "good advice," citing her "work-hard, play-hard ethos" - an crescendo of diplomacy so far unmatched in Us's history.

(2) Hilary Swank. 8 images.
(tie) Chad Lowe. 8 images.
I'm kinda surprised to see this particular breakup rack up so many photos. Swank is hardly a regular in these pages, but then the rag never passes on a chance to cover a "shocking goodbye."

(4) Angelina Jolie. 7 images.
"Us sorts fact from fiction." Heyheyhey, back that spit take up! They report that all indications suggest that she's not pregnant, since she's not showing. But who knows?

(tie) Jessica Simpson. 7 images.
During a late night of partying and girls, Nick Lachey found himself "sitting in the corner looking sad." Meanwhile, Jessica alternates wine, cocktails, and tearful outbursts in the ladies room. But let's not fool ourselves, these two will wind up in new relationships faster than Ashlee can ask for a manager. Jessica, Us reports, will look for a guy "similar to Nick - a sweet, nice guy."

(tie) Britney Spears. 7 images.
"If only I could live a normal life! Why can't I just blend in when I ride through my Vegas hotel in a pedi-cab?!? Hey, let's real quick duck into this magic shop and buy a PURPLE WIG to help me keep a low profile. And while I'm at it, I'll ask the staff where I can buy a gun. Then I'll put on my cute assault-rifle-joke longsleeve."

(tie) Pink. 7 images.
Another unlikely showing this week, this one's a testament to the value to a lower-tier celeb of inviting tabloid media to your wedding. Against all odds, Us uses the word "glam" in a description of the singer's wedding.

Also showing admirably were Sienna Miller and Nicole Richie, with five photos each. Jessica Alba appeared four times. Kirsten Dunst, Heath Ledger, Rachel McAdams, Denise Richards, Charlize Theron, and Naomi Watts managed three apiece. Passed out on the field are Gwen Stefani, J.Lo, Reese Witherspoon, Vince Vaughn, Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Eva Longoria, and Mischa Barton, with one apiece. And where the shizzy was Paris?!?

Cam'ron Releases Jay-Z Diss Track

2006-01-19T15:25:00.000-08:00

Cam’ron’s latest mixtape venture, "You Got It," throws down the gauntlet. After years of denied antipathy, the Diplomats leader airs grievances and spits insults at Jay-Z for nearly eight minutes. Unwilling to tolerate another moment of silent rage, Cam gives Jay a, um, history lesson:

"You got anthrax over there, man, and [the Diplomats are] George Bush man. You ain't gonna Saddam Hussein it."

He lists five reasons for hatin’ on Jigga, but claims he has no less than a hundred and fifty. What follows are the cited points of contention:

(1) Cam claims Jay-Z stole Roc-A-Fella Records from Damon Dash.
(2) Cam claims Jay-Z stole Kanye West from Damon Dash.
(3) Cam claims Jay-Z stole Roc-A-Wear from Damon Dash. (I previously mistook this for an emphatic repeat of Point 1.)
(4) Cam suspects Jay-Z had a role in gunshot wounds Cam sustained in October 2005.
(5) [Beat stops to emphasize the gravity of this particular offense] Jay-Z wears sandals with jeans.

And actually, Killa Cam keeps going after those five, but without convenient numerical index. Despite some rickety barbs (Cam actually likens Jigga to Fraggle Rock) in the first of a promised fifteen rounds, this inaugurates what will probably become 2006’s most talked-about and exciting MC battle. The question is, will Cam’ron take it to the next level? By which I mean, will he announce his intent to leave the recording industry in an attempt to oust J. Hova from the King Of Retired Rap throne? Further scrutiny of Cam's rebukes can be found at Pitchfork Media, and you can download the song itself from The Fader.

Contrails: The REAL Threat To Lindsay Lohan's Health Is Finally Identified

2006-01-19T14:50:00.000-08:00

Brad Pitt’s petition to adopt Angelina Jolie’s two children has been accepted. Please note that there is absolutely nothing humorous about the names Maddox Chivan Jolie-Pitt and Zahara Marley Jolie-Pitt.
Wanna know why Paris Hilton will never do a shoot for Playboy? “Because I’m Paris Hilton.” That’s why.
Holy shit!!! Stavros Niarchos III uses a fake ID to get into clubs!
So I know you’re all worried about Lindsay Lohan and her asthma and her drinking and her graffiti and her stripping at Scores with the cocaine celeb de jour and her partying with Sean Lennon (okay that last one isn't scaring anyone). But put your minds to rest, LiLo’s mother clarifies that there’s nothing to worry about. She does concede that the star smokes a pack a day, but the real problem is pet dander. Not to toot my own horn, but that’s really what I’d suspected all along. Also, for the record, I’m pretty certain that “tequila kamikazes” is just a fancy way to say “margaritas.”
Abuse from Go Fug Yourself is one thing, but to find out that the dress you wore to the Golden Globes was previously seen on Kirsten Dunst is quite another! Reese Witherspoon is humiliated and enraged, and her publicist threatens a high-profile boycott of Chanel.
Finally, I'm feeling a little left out of the blogosphere's week-long meditation on Scarlett Johansson's mammary prowess. So, here, go watch this.

WENN/IMDb News Suspects Cruz-MCconaughey Split

2006-01-19T13:55:00.000-08:00

WENN/IMDb News reports:

Hollywood couple Penelope Cruz and Matthew McConaughey have sparked speculation they have split, after attending the Golden Globe Awards separately[...] Despite both actors presenting awards at Monday's ceremony, Cruz posed alone on the red carpet and the couple weren't seen together for the remainder of the night.

Somebody please correct me if I'm wrong, but I only watched half an hour of the Globes, and I saw Cruz and McConaughey sitting together at least once. Course all those Sexiest Men Alive look alike, so it's entirely possible that I mistook some other dude for McConaughey....

LeBron James, Olsen Twins, Hilary Duff Highest-Paid Celebs Under 25

2006-01-18T16:26:00.000-08:00

Forbes Magazine has compiled a list of the highest-paid celebrities of 2005 under 25 years of age. Cleveland Cavalier LeBron James tops the list with $22.5 million. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen took in a combined $21 million. Maria Sharapova ($18 million) follows, then it's right on to Hilary "I Am Not A Brand" Duff ($15 million). Serena Williams ($12.7 million), and Lindsay Lohan ($11 million). Other notables include Paris Hilton ($6.5 million), Adriana Lima ($4.5 million), Ashlee Simpson ($5.3 million), and Frankie Muniz ($8 million). If Duff's income supremacy over Lohan didn't spray your lunch across your monitor already, try Googling "Gross National Product."

Britney Spears The Latest Victim Of The No-Ring Fad Sweeping L.A.

2006-01-17T15:42:00.000-08:00

The above pictures supposedly depict Britney Spears out and about without the benefit of a wedding ring. To be honest, I can't speak with certainty on the absense of ring, given the clarity and definition of these photos. To be completely candid, I can't even remember which hand a wedding band goes on, and can't be bothered to get up and investigate.

Anyway, even if she's not wearing her wedding ring, it can't possibly mean anything.

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 570 - Jan. 16, 2006 (Spears By 1)

2006-01-13T16:00:00.000-08:00

This is one of those weeks I could comfortably chalk up to corrective measures. I don't mean to spoil things for you, sports fans, but Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston don't even flirt witha lead position this week. Instead....

(1) Britney Spears. 12 images.
The cover boasts "new baby pics!" Since there are a whole three pictures of little Sean Preston (actually two; the cover shot's duplicated inside the magazine), it's safe to say that baby pics aren't what moves Baby Machine Weekly product. Oh-my-God-I-can't-believe-that-girl-was-allowed- to-breed and what-the-hell-is-she-wearing-I-think-I-just-threw- up-in-my-mouth-a-little is clearly the order of the day. A sheer top encrusted with sequins and complemented by a skirt and cowboy boots more than gets the job done. K.Fed, by the way, appears twice.

(2) Brad Pitt. 11 images.
Us throws Pitt a very backhanded silver by running a six-picture spread devoted to what they perceive as a a decline in Pitt sexiness over the past year. The words "new, schlumpy style" are used, and I don't doubt that they hurt.

(3) Angelina Jolie. 10 images.
Apparently Angelina's thinking about having a kid with Brad Pitt. Huh! However, a source close to Jolie tells Us, "She would have told me she was pregnant, and she didn't look it."

(4) Lindsay Lohan. 9 images.
As discussed in an earlier post, LiLo's diet secrets are printed here for America to learn from. Normally after a little jovial ribbing, I'd give Us a pass for dumb luck - after all, who knew that Vanity Fair story would open such a huge can of worms? But this week, no sir. Diet tips from Lindsay Lohan are a gamble any week (not to mention a reprehensibly bad idea), and Us was overdue a swat on the wrist. As for Lindsay, she fights a clean one this week - and a tough one. While the top three performers win on powerful short sprints (cramming or more pics on a single page), LiLo runs the marathon, appearing on page after page after page, and without the benefit of a solo feature.

(5) Jessica Alba. 5 images.
If Jessica Alba has actually worn pants since Christmas, it's news to me.

(tie) Mariah Carey. 5 images.
I don't even know....

Jessica Simpson, J.Lo, Jennifer Garner, Kirsten Dunst, Mandy Moore, and Tori Spelling scored four each. Jennifer Aniston, Nicole Richie, Katie Holmes, and Tom Cruise each scored three. Debra Messing, two. Of particular interest to U.N. Spacy is page 68, where Kristin Cavallari (2) and Lauren "L.C." Conrad (1) are declared "the next Paris and Nicole." We couldn't be happier for the pair!

Lindsay Lohan Offers Scarlett Johansson The Star-Making Breakout Role Of A Lifetime!

2006-01-12T16:54:00.000-08:00

Tuesday night Lindsay Lohan and Kate Moss made the scene at New York’s Dark Room. Reportedly, LiLo made a rather public spectacle of a little ladies room vandalizing action. Left for future Dark Room patrons is the following missive, scrawled in Sharpie:

Scarlett is a bloody cunt
L
Peace and love
[illegible]
fucker.

All Hail The Regis!

2006-01-12T15:23:00.000-08:00

The above photo (from People Magazine) catches with-child Angelina Jolie in a January 10 appearance just outside Reflex Point. And while that's neat and all, I think I can say with objectivity and fairness that it pales in comparison to the exclusive sonogram shot U.N. Spacy laid its hands on, pictured below.

...y'all can go ahead and consider this nickname launched.

Hilary Duff Quote Of The Day

2006-01-12T14:51:00.000-08:00

"The thing is, I am not a brand. I am a person."

Hollywood's Most Ambitious Eugenics Project Ever Shows Early Signs Of Success

2006-01-11T16:55:00.000-08:00

Brad Pitt’s publicist has finally confirmed the long-suspected Brangelina fetus. Angelina Jolie is indeed pregnant, and Brad Pitt is indeed the father. In addition to Jolie’s inevitable reign as 2006’s Photo Death Match queen, U.N. Spacy eagerly awaits the arrival of their cooing Patient Zero. Truly we are on the horizon of a brave new world.

Lindsay Lohan Denies Admitting To Battle With Bulimia

2006-01-11T16:38:00.000-08:00

A good seven days after the story broke that Lindsay Lohan had admitted to Vanity Fair both a familiarity with illegal substances and a bout with bulimia, LiLo tells Teen People,

“The words that I gave to the writer for Vanity Fair were misused and misconstrued, and I'm appalled with the way it was done.”

A Teen People editor clarifies that Lohan's denial pertains to the bulimia claim. Lindsay has not denied drug use.

Vanity Fair spokesperson Sara Switzer stands by the magazine's story. "Every word... is on tape," she says.

This denial is no more surprising than the original disclosure, but what's the deal with the timing? It's anybody's guess really, but it's worth mentioning that it's arrived just in time to render Us Weekly’s celebrity coverage comically dated for about the twelfth consecutive issue. (Note that last week’s issue turned to Linds for dieting tips.)

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 569 - Jan. 9, 2006 (Simpson By 2)

2006-01-07T14:00:00.000-08:00

Late again, but some of us around here have been too busy scrounging up the scrilla to buy all those suddenly out-of-print Mego records to deal with the state of this blog. But while we were neglecting the Photo Death Matches, our ego was quietly stroked by an unwitting role in industry research. With newly swelled head, we bring you the numbers on Issue 569, which boasts “Nick's side of the story” and “the secrets Jessica's ex has been keeping.” Will it be enough to claim Nick the top spot?

(1) Jessica Simpson. 17 images.
No, it won't be enough. Nick's side of the story only gets told because it involves Death Match favorite Simpson, so painfully clear is this fact that Nick's cover story is supplemented, apropos of nothing, with a pictorial of Jessica's “tearful high school years.” Jealous girls threw eggs at her house, young suitors felt compelled to ask Superdad Joe for permission to kiss her, gay rumors circulated, and she was ridiculed for her large bust. Just in case you didn't know....

(2) Nicole Richie. 15 images.
Flattered as we are to be a part of entertainment industry statistical analysis, it's business like Nicole's showing this week that kind of dilutes the scientific potency of our data. An inset item in the “Star's Sexy Diet Secrets” article (coughHilary Duffcough) begs the question “Did Nicole go too far?” One of the two photos features Nicole posing in profile beside a rack stocked with copies of her novel. I dunno if you seen the cover of this thing, but it's really not a photo. We've been through this sort of dicey terrain before, and decided that, in light of so many photo representations well beyond any documentary quality, we would qualify digitally chopped images, airbrush portraits, and even likely hand model substitutions. It's hard for me to believe that there's much of a photo, if any at all, buried in Nicole's cover shot, but people have probably said worse about actual photos of her lately, so we're gonna count it. In no way should this be interpreted as bias on U.N. Spacy's part in favor of L.A.'s club girls. You don't see Jeremy Piven up in here, do you?

(3) Nick Lachey. 11 images.
Schooled by his ex in his own cover story, Lachey settles for third. A large part of this should be credited to the stunning lack of disclosure – much less actual Lachey quotes – in his tell-all piece. As usual, the article is held together with stock quotes from unnamed sources. Slightly elevating its status are quotes from Jamie-Lynn Sigler and Wilmer Valderrama, although the Fez quote is no more pertinent to the matter at hand than that Mego thing I threw in at the beginning of this post. So just what does the article offer? Nameless friends punch holes in Jessica's “goody- two-shoes” rep. It's reported that Lachey felt neglected as Simpson's mounting fame set the pair on separate career paths. A close source says Lachey felt ambushed by Simpson's sudden and unexpected decision to go public with their separation. Oh, and then there's the Joe Simpson factor.

(4) Carmen Electra. 7 images.
The biggest non-fantasy, non-giant ape, non gay cowboy popcorn flick of the holiday season, the Cheaper By The Dozen 2 publicity blitz lends Electra a helping hand, but really and truly, girl's here because she worked it this week. She pops up on TRL, pauses for a hugsy photo op with Us executive editor Ken Baker, rocks a red carpet or two, even sits in for a quick movie tie-in Q&A. Long story short, Electra brings that rare kind of hustle that from time to time brings a second- or third-tier celebrity into the Death Match Top 5. Hat's off.

(5) Britney Spears. 6 images.
(tie) Paris Hilton. 6 images.
(tie) Sienna Miller. 6 images.
(tie) Gwen Stefani. 6 images.
(tie) Scarlett Johansson. 6 images.
This all-blonde roster reads like the cast to a movie U.N. Spacy'd line up for on opening night. Somebody should really get working on that. Musical numbers maybe? There's gotta be a corner office for somebody in this.

Also-rans include Lindsay Lohan, Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston with five each (Brad Pitt shows only once). J.Lo, K.Fed, MKO, and abbreviation-deprived Eva Longoria show repsectably with four apiece.

Armond White names 'Munich,' 'War of the Worlds' Best Films Of 2005

2006-01-07T13:25:00.000-08:00

The New York Press recently published Armond White's list of his ten favorite films of 2005. It's been a while since we've posted on White's film criticism, so if you haven't read our thoughts on him previously, just know that we frequently thrill to his entirely expected contrarian judgments and the nearly inexplicable justifications that follow. Here's the list.

(1) Munich
(2) War of the Worlds
(3) 2046
(4) Kung Fu Hustle
(5) My Mother's Smile
(6) Good Morning Night
(7) Nine Lives
(8) Garcon Stupide
(9) In My Country
(10) Best of Youth

There's really nothing about this list to rant about (save the omission of "Sam Fuller film from beyond" Unleashed). So he still loves Spielberg! People do! Some people here do! The thing that's so much fun is not the list itself, but the reasons he gives for choosing them, particularly the Spielberg pair at the top. Says White,

"Munich’s moral scrutiny of recent history and War’s Expressionist vision of contemporary fear would each have been the best film of any year. Together, they are an astonishing demonstration of cinematic range—the seriousness of high art, the common touch of folk-pop plus the undeniability of global relevance."

Whether or not I agree that either could qualify as a year's best film, I can't really argue with his thinking here. The thing is, this lucid assessment is preceded by this:

"Spielberg’s jackpot year recalls Jean-Luc Godard’s 1968 U.S. release of both La Chinoise and Weekend. It’s a handy comparison since Spielberg also paralleled a political drama with an apocalyptic fantasy. The last time an American director had two films of comparable magnitude in the same year was 1944—Preston Sturges’ The Miracle of Morgan’s Creek and Hail the Conquering Hero. This makes a handy comparison because Spielberg, who works in the same popular Hollywood idiom as Sturges, also exemplifies its highest expression."

Whether we're willing to accept his linking War of the Worlds to Weekend for their mutual taste for "apocalyptic fantasy," Munich quite simply has nothing to do with La Chinoise, and bringing the matter up implies that White sees a comparison. The idea that a major, respected film critic in the biggest market in the world can basically say, "It's like Godard's '68 one-two punch" for little more reason than the fact that the Beard released two movies this year, one (ohmigod!) involving chaos and destruction, is pretty much bullshit. For one thing, we've barely had time to forget that 2002 brought us Minority Report and Catch Me if You Can. And don't even get me started on that Sturges comparison!

Tree Falls in Forest; Makes No Sound.

2006-01-05T14:33:00.000-08:00

Over here, and her e, and here and here you can find reports detailing a new interview Lindsay Lohan gave to Vanity Fair, in which she discusses "trying" drugs and her recent bout of bulimia. What's most amazing to us is that this is covered at all. After what, two years of rumors and suspicious behavior? Massive weight loss? Every celeblog making "eat something jokes"? Was there honestly anyone left who wasn't sure she was either doing too much coke and skinny pills, had an eating disorder or both?

If anyone out there knows such a person, can you maybe send them a link to U.N. Spacy? We're really just happy to be seen, and would love to be able to break some news to at least one happy reader.

Furthermore, according to the fine folks at I Don't Like You In That Way (the only people to still have the pictures, as far as we can find), she might also be pregnant.

Duff-Lohan Feud Rekindling?

2006-01-04T15:54:00.000-08:00

I dunno how much stock we should really put into an update on the IMDb page of a film in pre-production, but here's the word on hilarynet.org:

We posted a little while ago that Imdb reported that Hilary Duff would be in a new movie called "The New Girl". Now, she has been removed from the cast list of that movie and her name has been replaced with Lindsay Lohan. I don't know what happened, but we will be back with more information as soon as we find out anything.

Oh snap? Only time will tell. Meantime, here's the scuttlebutt on IMDb's message boards:

Just figures that HIlary would drop a movie that has any sort of substance to it. I think its impossible for her to accept roles in movies that arent G or PG.
-Tracy3686

but shes goin to be swearing ALOT in "Outward Blond"
-Deano91

OMG? Then Dropped Hilary Duff For Lindsay Lohan!!? Hilary wanted this part so bad, and they gave it to lindsay!! What a load of crap. Now the fued between them is going to get even worse
-nihongotokyo

This CANNOT be true. Lindsay Lohan is not going to do this movie. She's already moved on to adult roles. She has Just My Luck, A Prairie Home Companion, Bobby and Chapter 27 all coming out in the next year or so and they are all adult roles. Why would she go back to a teeny bopper role after all of these roles in adult movies?? Wouldn't make much sense to me.
-Tony15123

They were smart to do so cause Hilary sucks at acting!
-Pranksalot

This movie is not real. The fact that someone switched Linday and Hilary was to prolong the feud between Lindsay and Hilary fans.
-silent alarm activated

Lindsay Rocks Hilary Sucks!
-rymatt

Actually the fued between lohan and duff is over now! I think both actresses are great. Until the movie comes out we will never really know if lohan is good at this part.
-ListenToYourHeart

I am working on this movie and I can clarify a couple things:
A) Lindsay Lohan has nothing to do with it.
B) Hilary may or may not; will know soon.
C) Spielberg has nothing to do with it.
It is an awesome screenplay. Whoever stars -- perhaps an unknown (the writer/director discovered Alicia Silverstone) -- it's going to be a really interesting, scary flick.
-19460Stratford

Lindsay confirmed she was on board for this film over her blog.
-rocky115

IMDB will hopefully correct this shortly. It's a prankster, probably this Shaun Landers whose name is popping up everywhere. And Steven Spielberg is not involved. Mark Rosman who has directed Hillary Duff is one of the producers, that's how she became aware of the project.
-gmwaltersesq

The New Girl, by the way, looks to be a "deal with the devil"-type thriller written and directed by Alan Shapiro (The Crush).

Due To Grievous Misunderstanding, U.N. Spacy Failed To Recognize The Now HERCULEAN Failure Achieved By 'Jarhead'

2006-01-04T10:50:00.000-08:00

WENN/IMDb News reports:

Oscar-winning film director Sam Mendes claims American viewers don't understand his new movie Jarhead as well as Europeans - because they expect war films to be one-sided. The movie based on the novel Jarhead: A Marine's Chronicle of the Gulf War and Other Battles by Anthony Swofford, and focuses on the frivolousness of war, rather than the glory - something Mendes feels Americans don't grasp. Mendes says, "I feel they've understood in Europe. In America, it's like talking about a different movie. "Fundamentally, Jarhead disobeys all the laws of American movies, and not just the political laws of American movies right now which demand on some level to tell us which side they're on. "In Europe, there's a sense this film comes from the tradition of absurdist war movies about the futility of conflict. "It has more in common with Beckett, Sartre and Banuel [ed. note - um, sic] than it does with Oliver Stone. "In America, they assumed I was trying to make an Oliver Stone movie and that I'd failed."

First, tsk-tsk to WENN/IMDb for quotation-marking drunk again.

But getting to my point, back in November this site lambasted Jarhead for being calculated, one-dimensional, and a particularly poor example of the type of war films often associated with, among others, Oliver Stone. It's not in my nature to be smug, but Armond White says that's how I roll, so here goes. U.N. Spacy doesn't actually believe that we misunderstood anything about the film, but admittedly, we are an American-based blog (it's where the SDF-1's parked, anyway). Now that Mendes has drawn the line in the sand, our lack of continental noblesse forces us to concede underestimation of his opus. We now understand that it's actually a farcically atrocious flubbing of an attempt to vaunt Mendes into the arena of Beckett, Sartre, and this mysterious Banuel character. Not merely mean-spirited, badly written, and misdirected, it turns out that Jarhead is in fact an arrogant, bloated grab at high-intellect elitism that falls so dismally short of its reach that no one has been able to see it for anything other than deafeningly cautionary Academy-bait (or -bate, depending on your level of condescension) on how soldiers have a hard-on for killing Iraqis.

But I'm not done just yet. See, way back in the last goddamned century I repeatedly accused Sam Mendes of making a schlocky, obvious date movie designed for audiences to exit the cineplexes reminded of their own perceptive recognition of the many ways other people live their lives so woefully wrong. Legions of self-proclaimed serious moviegoers attributed to Mendes a peeling back of the smog of suburban denial obscuring the unrecognized plight of fin de siecle America, and an eye for storytelling that recalled Kurosawa's better work. Many listened to my lengthy, spittle-harvesting rants to the contrary but, with few exceptions, none of you little bitches actually took me seriously. Today I gloatingly confront you with, "Fundamentally, Jarhead disobeys all the laws of American movies." J.V. cinefiles, this odious monster is the fruit of your consensus-blinded loins. I am a wrathful blogger, and I will not save you.

Contrails: Hil To The Dizzle, Micronian Quizzle

2005-12-29T13:39:00.000-08:00

What with C2's press blitz, there's a whole lotta Hilary Duff up in the internets, keeping the good folks at the indispensible hilarynet.org mighty busy these days! But I guess they do come Cheaper By The Do... ah, skip it. Anyways, if you're looking for Duff quotes, be they thoughtful, motivational, or just plain spunky, this is definitely the time to go trolling for them. Meanwhile, here are three Duff-related items in the news that U.N. Spacy found of particular interest.

Lycos revealed the 100 most frequent searches attempted using their search engine in 2005. Topping the list is U.N. Spacy favorite Paris Hilton. Coming in at Number 20 is Hilary Duff (up from last year's Number 21), ahead even of Jessica Simpson. This forces me again to implore you, dear readers, to tell me just who out there cares about Hilary Duff? And yes, I do see the irony in asking this question on this blog, and it hasn't brought me any closer to solving this mystery. Oh, and by the way, last year's Number 1, Janet Jackson, slipped to Number 55 in 2005.
Teen mag Sugar polled teenage girls on who they considered the most inspirational celeb. Sienna Miller predictably topped the list. After all, what more could a young woman aspire to than to survive infidelity? Reigning Micronian Queen Hilary Duff lands the Number 5 spot on the list, just ahead of, ahem, Charlotte Church.
But enough of this shameless clownin' on Hil. I mean, if you cut a Duff, does she not bleed? Seriously, does she not? I'm askin'. Anyways, what I'm getting at is that for once we should try to do nice for Hil. After all, "negativity is a mindset," and Hil tries to keep things on a positive tip. And I've got just the thing! You know what'd really be helpful? What'd really help Hil feel seriously appreciated for her strengths and talents? I'll tell you what: a Star magazine poll on whether Hil looked prettier in 2002 or 2005, that's what! "Do you prefer Hilary's face rounder or thinner?" Let your opinion count!

MTV News Spit-Take Headline Of The Month: "Fred Durst: The Next Martin Scorsese?"

2005-12-29T12:52:00.000-08:00

Headlines like that don't grow on trees, kids. What's the story about? In the face of such a headline, who really cares? But I'll tell you anyway. Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst tells MTV that he's expanded his cinematic oeuvre beyond the "touch-my-balls- touch-my-ass" genre.

"It's a 30-minute short film, and Wes [Borland] and I both act in it. I play an evangelist named Evan Gelis."

Subtle, no? He's got two feature-length films on tap for the future, as well, and not just cineplex fluff.

"I want to make timeless movies. I want to be beside Martin Scorsese and Wes Anderson and Paul Thomas Anderson and Francis Ford Coppola. I'm a real director."

I know, I know. Dude sounds like a celebrity impersonator in an Eminem video, but don't sell him short just yet.

"I've been blessed to have been mentored by some really great people like David Fincher and just really have absorbed it."

I know that hurt you, but I had to do it. Don't worry, he continues....

"I think I'm a storyteller, and I'm gonna apply it."

Feel free to use that in the glib "Nookie" joke of your choice.

Durst also discusses his acting gigs on NBC's Revelations miniseries, and an upcoming role in Population 436, an independent feature with the wildly promising premise of a census-taker sent to investigate why a small town has had the same population of 436 residents for the last 100 years.

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 568 - Jan. 2, 2006 (Aniston By 4)

2005-12-28T15:44:00.000-08:00

Depending on your perspective, this is the second-to-last Us of '05 or the first of '06. Either way, the issue focuses its attention on a retrospective review of the year in celebrity, from a timeline of hook-ups and break-ups to an Oscar preview to four pages of the most odious fashion offenses. This not only makes for a must-read issue, but a high stakes Death Match tournament for the title of most unavoidable face in tabloid journalism in 2005. Appropriately, the top five performers have all been big players throughout the year.

(1) Jennifer Aniston. 16 images.
A figure of Christ-like proportion this year, Jennifer Aniston suffered the slow, media-scrutinized dissolution of her marriage and, immediately afterward, nonstop coverage of husband Brad Pitt's buddy-up with other woman Angelina Jolie. At times Pitt and Jolie's kid-crazy antics threatened to eclipse Jen entirely, but that ultimately worked to her favor. The poll hasn't been invented that'll conclude that Brad and Jen didn't separate over their lack of children. Every happiness enjoyed by Pitt and Jolie was a tearful reminder of the quivering sadness collectively believed of the sad little girl we once watched fall in love with a dopey paleontologist. Jen stumbled for weeks at a time, but every slump was followed by an unstoppable and rapid climb to Number One, in turn followed by a good month of momentum-fueled carnage. At the end of the day, no one's personal life mattered more to America than Jennifer Aniston's. This week Jen says "Never Forget," mercilessly clawing her way past covergirl Jessica Simpson to the top of yet another Death Match pigpile, and resting her case for the 2005 Death Match crown.

(2) Jessica Simpson. 12 images.
Clearly, 2005's other big story was Jessica Simpson, the only other reasonable contender for the year-end title. A cunning, imaginative, even brilliant combatant, Simpson relied on no one story this year. Instead she took pains to assure that there there was always was a story ready and available for editors hungry for lipgloss and cleavage with which to busy their JV airbrushing squad. Whether for losing weight, for giving Johnny Knoxville a rim job, for rubbing sudsy bosom on damp automobile in an aimlessly directed music video, for wearing garish frocks to formal events, for sleeping with Bam Margera, for drinking whiskey from the bottle, or for separating from husband Nick Lachey, Jessica steadily plugged away at being Jessica. She never failed to warrant a contender for a cover shot, and only under the most freakish circumstances showed in these matches in a manner less than deadly. Divorce will only earn Jess so many cover stories in '06 before America moves on to another unseemly split, but no sane person will doubt that she'll manage to find a way - or more likely a plethora of ways - to stay in headlines and Death Matches to come.

(tie) Brad Pitt. 12 images.
At the end of a truly impressive year that had everything to do with his association with Angelina Jolie and his dissociation from Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt's most remarkable feat is staying in the public's good graces. Normally it'd take a miracle to shield the ex of America's most doted-on victim from tabloid wrath. But in this case, his demonstrative love of kids insulated him from all but the most perfunctory kid-gloved tabloid flack, kept him in the Death Matches to this day, and earned him almost more public admiration than he'd enjoyed in the Camelot built around his marriage to Aniston.

(4) Angelina Jolie. 10 images.
Although not completely out of the woods on the whole homewrecking thing, Ange balances the same kid-loving Pitt's capitalized on with a mysterious air of danger the media religiously upholds (Us will never let us forget that she once wore a vial of Billy Bob's blood around her neck). If Angelina doesn't stir up a bestial passion in you, you're libel to be branded as unamerican. Ditto if you aren't also very suspicious that she's an eater of the dead. Earning respect for her dedication to parenting and celeb-diplomacy while inspiring white-as-a-sheet fear for her rugged sexuality, it's a very fine line Ange walks. And really, she doesn't just walk it, she struts it. Mad props to Ange for not stumbling even once this year.

(5) Sienna Miller. 8 images.
A report yesterday has Miller saying that this year's events have taught her to "hold your cards close to your vest." The skillful deployment of Britishized cliche is plenty cute, but she's got more on her mind, telling Life, "I've got a huge mouth, especially when it comes to my business. But I've realized that if you start talking about things, you open up a floodgate.... People think I should be an expert on love, and I haven't got a clue." I dunno if she means "people" or "People," nor how much or exactly what she knows about love, but she surely knows a little somethin' 'bout getting pictures in the papers. Not only do the staff of Us Weekly absolutely love to air her dirty laundry (see their rough handling of her in this week's Fashion Police highlights reel), but they reportedly find in her an inspirational quality that compels them to cut out and prominently display her pictures throughout the Us offices. Nice work if you can get it. (And if you get it....)

(tie) Nicole Richie. 8 images.
Girlfriend was on The Simple Life, people! No explanation necessary!

Notable faces in the huddled mob shivering in the year-end cold include Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and newly pregnant Gwen Stefani, each with seven shots to their name. Tom Cruise scores six, Katie Holmes five. Also with five are Nick Lachey, and Britney Spears.

Next week Us's year-end shenanigans should be over and done with, and battle should commence with newly heated fervor. Nick Lachey's on the cover with promises of revealing Jessica Simpson's dirty secrets. Will it be enough to edge him into the winner's circle? I say yes.

U.N. Spacy Forced To Reconsider Its Position On 'Crash' (...Not Really)

2005-12-27T10:05:00.000-08:00

Depending on whether you decide to believe a cop or a Desperate Housewife, a San Antonio traffic dispute lead to heated words that may have included such Eva Longoria bile as, "He's just a Mexican bike cop. He only wants your autograph."

No confirmation yet on whether these condescending words were immediately followed by a chipper enumeration of the ways Longoria's minimalist pubic grooming has improved her sex life with Tony Parker.

"Cheaper By the Dozen 2": Biggest Non-Giant Ape, Non-Gay Cowboy, Non-Fantasy Franchise, Non-Boy Wizard Movie Opening Weekend Ever.

2005-12-26T13:30:00.000-08:00

According to Box Office Mojo, Micronian Queen Hilary Duff's new motion picture extravaganza, Cheaper By the Dozen 2: Cheaperer* reigned over the box office this weekend, earning just over $9 million during the Christmas three-day period. Evidently we all heeded Hil's urging "Don't miss C2!" Good for all of us.

In other news, I was forced to see The Producers, which is quite bad. Just boring and poorly staged. Unimaginative. Put it this way: If the film had been based on a book instead of a stage show, the movie would have been Mel Brooks reading the book aloud to you. It's also possibly offensive. I'm not sure, but I think it hates gay people. Call me nuts, but in 2005, I don't think it's appropriate to make "Look at the funny fag" jokes**. On the other hand, I've never been to a broadway show, and my friend says that's pretty much all they are, so what the hell do I know?

*Note: we also considered the subtitle Cheap Harder, as well as immediately disqualifiying Electric Boogaloo due to overuse.

**Amuse your friends! Next time you get a fortune cookie, instead of saying "In bed", say "On Brokeback Mountain."

Janice Min Can't Wait For Depositions In Brit-Brit Sex Tape Suit

2005-12-23T13:08:00.000-08:00

Page Six reports that Us Weekly editor Janice Min is gearing up for battle against Britney Spears. The pop princess has filed a $20,000,000.00 libel suit against the magazine for a story involving an alleged sex tape, as reported by U.N. Spacy earlier this week. Now Min's boasting around town that she's ready for a fight, and can't wait for the depositions!

However, that's mostly because "They submit written testimony under oath!" will make for a linchpin addition to the "Stars: They're Just Like Us!" feature sometime next month. Should sit nicely beside "They get mani-pedis!" and "They drink Starbucks!"

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 567 - Dec. 26, 2005 (Hilton-Jolie-Richie-Simpson Tie)

2005-12-22T16:12:00.000-08:00

From page one on, shit is crazy. Too many goddamn people. You’ll see what I mean. A week of many victories, but no clear winners, it’s all very touchy-feely, and more than a little flacid. So if it sounds like I’m phoning this one in, know that it’s because I’m phoning it in.

(1) Paris Hilton. 7 images.
(tie) Angelina Jolie. 7 images.
(tie) Nicole Richie. 7 images.
(tie) Jessica Simpson. 7 images.
Lackadaisical performances abound this week. (Seven is enough for a win? C’mon!) The headache-inducing clusterfuck at Number One, quite frankly, irritates me on a very personal level (look at my headline, it’s a mess!). However, it is well known that U.N. Spacy unfairly favors Hilton and Richie week after week, so it's with elated smiles that we greet our golden girls (a description appropriate on several levels) at the most crowded podium in U.N. Spacy’s history.

(2) DJ AM. 6 images.
Very possibly DJ AM’s Us Weekly swan song, I’m not sure how much leverage the couple can get out of their terminated engagement if things stay as civil as they’ve been up to the present. We'll miss Adam. Seriously.

(tie) Denise Richards. 6 images.
Given the retrospective tone of this month’s issues, it’s only natural that Baby Machine Weekly's homecoming queen get an assist. Us runs a three-photo article on Denise’s “hot beach body,” as if we'd forgotten their unceasing coverage of her improbable post-pregnancy weight loss during the autumn months.

(tie) Lindsay Lohan. 6 images.
Even Us knows that a Nicole-Paris gold simply wouldn't be so sweet without Linds up there to enjoy it with them.

(tie) Naomi Watts. 6 images.
Anyone with their wits about them could've predicted this one. But would you have guessed there'd be an article on her "heartbreaking childhood" and "long career turmoil"? Yeah, probably so.

(tie) Jennifer Aniston. 6 images.
Would it be wildly inappropriate if I just typed a long serious of "z"s here? Probably so.

(tie) Howard Stern. 6 images.
(tie) Beth Ostrosky. 6 images.
Seriously, this bumrush-the-podium business is so out of control that even Micronians are sneaking in.

Also-rans include Brad Pitt (5), Heath Ledger (4), Kevin Federline (4), and Britney Spears (4). Britney, by the by, pulled down three of her four for in the "2005 Us Oops Awards," which honors celebs who distinguish themselves during the calendar year by choking on chewing gum, falling, jumping on couches, losing control of one's own nipples, or exhibiting appetite-decimating facial lesions. Britney is granted a Lifetime Achievement Award this year, with sweet reminders of her food-stained clothing, her ill-advised bare feet, and her public Federnad handling.

I'd offer predictions on next week's issue but, um, I already have it, and I already know who won. I'm not going to tell you, either.

Hilary Duff RED Blog - 12/21/05: 'Cheaper By The Dozen 2' Premier Report

2005-12-21T16:34:00.000-08:00

I dunno if Hilary Duff abandoned the open diary found on her official website, or if this is a new thing entirely, but here's the latest entry to her new AOL RED blog. I lifted this from hilary.net, rather than visiting the blog directly - I've learned the hard way that no good comes from AOL.

The movie premiere for Cheaper By The Dozen 2 was awesome! What made it so cool was that we arrived in Christmas Sleighs! They had seven sleighs fully equipped with real horses - on the streets of Westwood! They even had faux snow on the ground. The premiere was on the west side so it was cold. The only cast members I missed were Tom Welling because he had to film his show in Canada and Piper Perabo had to work in New York.

OMG! Steve Martin and Eugene Levy are so funny in this movie. They are cool in real life, too. I hung out with Eugene Levy's daughter, Sarah, while filming in Toronto. We are about the same age - she’s 19 or 20. The Levy's are so much fun to hang out with. I really liked this one more than the first one. There are more stunts and practical jokes, water stuff - some of the action was dangerous. We had fun filming - it’s noticeable onscreen. I took pictures with cool fans and got to catch up with the cast. I wonder why they didn't have an after party? That was the first time that happened. Maybe it was a school night. Anyhoo, I am going to the theatres to see it again! Don't miss C2!

Regrettably, because I can't (well, won't) access AOL's blogs directly, I do not know the font and color Hil no doubt painstakingly selected to best express her inner OMG. We'll simply have to make do with the liberal use of exclamation points, the IM-speak, and the boldly unconventional architecture of her exasperated sentence construction to gauge the register and character of her emotional state while tapping out this exuberant missive.

And I must say, I'm really looking forward to the water stuff.

Funniest thing ever this week.

2005-12-20T13:19:00.000-08:00

Watch this. Work safe.
If you like it there's lots more here.

US Weekly to Brit-Brit: "Ouch! That's the fucking hand I feed you with!"

2005-12-20T11:38:00.000-08:00

ABC News reports the following:

Britney Spears filed a $20 million libel lawsuit Monday against celebrity magazine Us Weekly, charging it published a false story reporting she and her husband, Kevin Federline, made a sex tape and were worried about its release.
The lawsuit seeks $10 million in libel damages and $10 million for misappropriating Spears' name and image to promote sales. It also seeks unspecified punitive damages.

This might be a worse move than opening Kong during finals week. Also, this next part is even funnier.

The article stated that Spears gave a copy of the tape to [...] lawyers on Sept. 30 and that she and her husband were "acting goofy the whole time" while watching the video.

"There was no laughter, disgust or goofy behavior while watching the video in the company of lawyers because they did not watch any video, and because there is no such video," the lawsuit stated.

Of course there's no tape. These two happy little kids wouldn't run around videotaping themselves. And MTV certainly didn't air a TV show about it, and you can't find clips of it on MTV's website. That's crazy talk. US is just jealous cuz they can't handle Brit and Kevin's truth. Rise up.

Time Magazine is Full of Shit...

2005-12-19T12:31:00.000-08:00

Time named its annual Person of the Year. I should say Persons. They chose Bill Gates and his wife, Melinda, and also they picked Bono. This is insanity. Have these people truly given of themselves? I mean, have they sacrificed? We did have a massive tsunami that killed like 200,000 people (ok, maybe that was at the tail end of 2004). Then there were those bombings in London. Some people got hurt there. Then there was that whole Katrina thing. My point is that there were several points this year where people who aren't billionaires suffered greatly, and, in many cases, died horribly. Those who survived fought and fought hard. Where's their honor?

So is Roger Ebert.

2005-12-19T12:08:00.000-08:00

Roger Ebert posted his Top 10 of 2005 a day or so ago. It's a decent list, I suppose. Fairly vanilla, no big surprises. Save one. His choice of the best film of the year. Now, I'm all for diversity of opinion, but Crash? Let me say unequivocally that if anything, this film is one of the worst of this past 12 months.

Here is a movie that pretends to teach us a lesson about race relations and humanity and open-mindedness, and really all it has to say is "Racism is bad." If you need a movie to inform you of such, you should be permanently locked in a tiny, tiny box. Let us all sit back and marvel at the profundity of such scenes as "Racist arab store owner shoots Nice Mexican Locksmith's Daughter...with blanks!" Or how about "Sandra Bullock comes to see her Hispanic maid as a human being!"

David Denby, in The New Yorker, called this one "easily the strongest American film since Clint Eastwood's 'Mystic River'." That's kind of like saying "in the last year and a half." I predict that time will reveal Crash as an embarassment upon the critical establishment in America. That they fall for a contrivance, a safe little confection like this, only proves their encroaching senility and irrelevance.

Contrails: Sienna Miller Loves Poetry

2005-12-16T15:55:00.000-08:00

"It sounds so pretentious but it's one of my favourite things," says Miller. "I've got this group of friends who are quite Bohemian and we get drunk, get the poetry books out and read." Pleeeease tell me you all knit scarves for Jude at the same time!
Countering previous U.N. Spacy reports, an official source says that Radiohead are not working on the soundtrack to A Scanner Darkly. Instead they're hard at work on the album that Q Magazine will one day name the single greatest achievement in the history of mankind. Later, defenders of the hyperbolic British music journal will, when cornered, pretend that this article never existed.
The theater mavens at Playbill report that Britney Spears will not appear on Broadway in Sweet Charity, as previously suggested. Kevin Federline may still appear at a venue whose signage reads "Sweet Charity," but under circumstances not yet determined.
Joel Madden tells Us Weekly the secret to the success of his relationship with Hilary Duff: "It's more interesting to date someone who's not into anything you're into." But what about eyeliner?
Mary J. Blige is Paramount's top choice to play Nina Simone in an upcoming biopic. I have absolutely no comment.
Ashlee Simpson is in the hospital after collapsing in an elevator immediately following her appearance on MTV Japan. U.N. Spacy wishes Simpson a speedy and thorough recovery, so that we may again catch her at activities gauche and ridiculous.

Stavros Niarchos III: "Don't Be A P---y... You have five seconds. Five. Four. Three..."

2005-12-16T15:34:00.000-08:00

Those diligent fact-checkers over at Page Six report:

STAVROS Niarchos never paid a homeless man $100 to pour a cup of soda over his head just for laughs. That's what Us Weekly reported a few weeks ago. The Greek shipping heir, boyfriend of Paris Hilton, actually offered $100 to a passer-by if he'd drench a nearby paparazzo who was videotaping him. After screening the footage, PAGE SIX can report that Niarchos, in an SUV with his head largely hidden under a hood, started off offering just $10. "Do it now. You have nothing to lose. I swear to you on my life," he pleads. When the man hesitates, Niarchos say, "I'll give you $100. Don't be a p - - - y . . . You have 5 seconds." As Niarchos counts down, the man hurls the drink at the cameraman. We assume he collected a C-note.

First of all, no one here knows what a "p---y" is. If you happen to know, please contact us. Anyways, I can't get enough of this Stavros fellow. Here we have a story - with video evidence, no less - that clears his unfairly maligned name, and that, at the same time, makes him look like ten times the d--kh--d we previously imagined him to be. Although, actually, I don't know what a "d--kh--d" is, either.

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 566 - Dec. 19, 2005 (Simpson-Federline Tie)

2005-12-16T12:19:00.000-08:00

As with last week's Match, I had to pick up this issue off the newsstand. You'll be surprised to know there's really not a lot of money in Robotech-themed celebrity obsession, a fact I partially credit for yet another delay this week. Take heart in knowing that our subscription is back on track, Gloval having assigned no less than a task force to assure its timely delivery in the future.

(1) Jessica Simpson. 11 images.
Us will milk a good seventeen feature articles out of Jessica's separation from that stubbly fellow without even breaking a sweat. That's sort of why I love them, actually. Are the estranged couple talking? Are they torn up on the inside? Or are they just shopping and golfing? These are the questions fielded in this week's installment. (Answers by the way are: Depends On Who You Ask, Yeah Sort Of I Guess, and Most Definitely, respectively.) But while we're talking about Jess, what's up with that pic in the above right of the cover? Girlfriend looks like a gangbang star crossed with a velociraptor.

(tie) Kevin Federline. 11 images.
Meanwhile, every other half -blonde couple in L.A. are scrambling to keep up, putting their troubled-relationshipiest foot forward. Far and away the best and brightest of the bunch, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline continue to tantalize with the wild uncertainty of their feud. Did Britney confiscate the Federrari? Is Kevin shopping for a divorce lawyer? Did the two cuddle through Memoirs of a Geisha? Are they fighting in those vague gas station photos of the pair with ominously open mouths? Can any of us remember the name of that kid of theirs? Us contributes impressively little to the discussion, but cackles wildly at every opportunity to print the word "marijuana," or any of its vernacular approximations. But for all of Us's efforts to cast Britney sympathetically as a "a devoted mom" struggling with an irresponsible husband, the simple fact is that K.Fed outperforms Britney two to one, Brit mustering no more than five shots. Fascinating indeed, and truly an MVP performance on Federline's part.

(3) Jennifer Aniston. 9 images.
Much as I'd love to shrug this one off, Jen really earns it this issue, bouncing back from a couple pitiful weeks by running up in all sorts of pictorials, and without the aid of a substantial feature story. I'm compelled to admire her hustle.

(4) Oprah. 8 images.
Apparently there was some sort of Cold War going on between Oprah and David Letterman. I guess if you don't show up on a talk show for sixteen years, it's considered an act of aggression. Admittedly, that's always been my excuse, but I sorta figured that in Oprah's case it had more to do with hosting her own goddamn talk show. Finally, on December 1st, Oprah tore down the wall, appearing on Letterman's program amid absurdly elated media fanfare. To this day, reports persist in suggesting that this was some kind of major moments of broadcast history, and not simply a Best Week Ever teaser item. As it happens, I had cause to pass by Letterman's studio twice that day. Television reports made the scene out to be some sort of near-riot, fans frothing rabidly to be a part of this milestone. You know what it looked like? Any other Thursday, that's what. Letterman, by the way, nets four images.

(5) Angelina Jolie. 7 images.
Still covering Brad Pitt's efforts to legally adopt Jolie's children, Us gives the lippy one the lion's share of the page space, granting three shots to Pitt and two each to Maddox and Zahara.

(tie) Madonna. 7 images.
Who's more totally awesome? Madonna? Or Gwen Stefani? Ohmigod, that's a tough one - hey, let's do a pictorial feature about that! Stefani earns six shots.

(tie) Nicole Kidman. 7 images.
Is she, or is she not, engaged to country star Keith Urban? And is she, or is she not, maniacally compelled to entangle herself with the most random assortment of zeros? (Q-Tip, I should mention, is excused from that dubious distinction.)

(tie) Russell Crowe. 7 images.
Seriously, enough with the Cinderella Man ads.

Other notable showings include Lindsay Lohan's five, Nicole Richie's four, Paris Hilton's two, and Jeremy Piven's one. Mary-Kate Olsen achieves four, narrowly besting twin Ashley's three. Naomi Watts scores five shots, as does Jessica Alba, the latter telling the magazine of her youthful trials with buckteeth and pigeon-toes. "I really had my moments with the ugly gene," says she. But for once it's Us, not the multi-talented starlet herself, that offers the week's most comically unlikely Alba factoid: Us rates her a C-cup. But perhaps that where she keeps that copy of the complete works of Christopher Marlowe translated into Farsi that she's always talking about.

Contrails: 'Girls Of Maxim' Eases Previously Restrictive Gender Barriers

2005-12-15T12:07:00.000-08:00

Animal rights group PETA put out their list of this year's worst dressed celebrities, which reads like a Who's Who of my Google search history. Topping the list is U.N. Spacy's own Athena, Paris Hilton, also recently branded the world's worst celeb pet owner. Undaunted, Paris took on two new pets during a brief trip to Japan. She's reportedly named them Tokyo Blu and Harajuku Bitch, for reasons entirely unclear to us.
At a London screening of Annie Hall, Orlando Bloom spotted singer Annie Lennox and begged an autograph. With no clue of Bloom's major box office success, Lennox blew him off with a brusque "Please leave me alone and get a life." Says a source, "She genuinely thought he was an unusually good-looking fan." Later realizing her greivous error - that Bloom was no micronian, but a valued member of elite society, whose privileges include the valuable right to approach and even speak to others of their caste - Lennox rushed to Bloom with an apology, furbished an autograph, and even bestowed a kiss on the cheek. [Via Defamer]
A similar story, but without a happy ending, Ashley Olsen thrice offends designer Karl Lagerfeld, reportedly shrinking from him like he was Kimmy Gibbler.
Lord, why (oh why!) have you foresaken the helpless and slow-witted readers of Maxim, poorly equipped as they are to discern a push-up-bra'd tranny grotesquerie from the rest of the nominal d-listers of The WB, WWE Raw, reality television, and film comedies later sold in unrated DVD editions!!! I'm referring to news that Hilary Duff's ~~desperate hanger-on~~ sister, Haylie Duff, graces the magazine's January cover. Not only that, Haylie denies ever having hung up on longtime Duff rival Lindsay Lohan. Admittedly, something about Hil allowing Haylie to operate the phone didn't quite ring true when that story first broke, so it's good to get that cleared up.
Finally, Page Six reports that the termination of her lengthy engagement to DJ AM has taken its toll on Nicole Richie. Apparently the split came as quite a surprise to Richie, as the pair were busily making future plans together personally and professionally. "It really did come right out of left field for Nicole."

Hilary Duff Web Diary 12/10/05

2005-12-12T14:04:00.000-08:00

OMG! Two and a half months pass soo quickly, and there's another update to Hil's open journal!

Hi guys!!! I'm sooo sorry its been so long since I've updated my diary. Its been crazy busy! But its great, you know how much I love going out on the road and seeing you guys! Right now I'm backstage relaxing before the show starts. OMG its awesome here down under and everyone's been amazing! Everybody has so much energy and sings along to my songs! You know its summer here so its really warm, which is good cause next month I'll be in Canada which will be really cold! How was everyone's Thanksgiving? My mom cooked a feast and my whole family was together. Did you know that Thanksgiving is one of my most favorite holidays? We head back home next week and I'm looking forward to relaxing and hanging out with my family and friends. Don't forget to see "Cheaper By The Dozen 2" for the holidays on December 21! Gotta run - Sound Check! Love ya'll!! Hil xoxo

OMG Hil, you truly bring holiday warmth to this brisk December. It feels sooo awesome to be truly treasured as a fan! And in aquamarine! But seriously, Hil, is there any plausible way for me to forget about Cheaper By The Dozen 2 this December?

Teri Hatcher Slams Tabloid Media

2005-12-12T13:05:00.000-08:00

Teri Hatcher is way pissed over allegations that she regularly beds suitors in a van parked outside her home, leaving her eight-year-old daughter Emerson alone during the zesty romps. Says Hatcher,

"I like to think I bite the celebrity bullet and I sort of put up with the gazillion things they say that aren't true. But for me, in this particular area, it wasn't just that they said I had sex in my van - which is bad enough - they said that I left my daughter alone in the house, unsupervised, to go have sex in the car and that I do this all the time. To me, that's parental neglect and I've made it very clear that being a parent is the absolute number one priority in my life. I think there's plenty of salacious, true things you could say about people in Hollywood. You don't have to make it up."

That's more than fair, if you ask me. Teri, you're obnoxious and you look like shit and your unholy eyes scare the bejesus out of me. Better?

Contrails: Mary-Kate Misses Stavros, Doesn't Speak To Paris

2005-12-12T12:43:00.000-08:00

Wild and unsubstantiated rumors indicate that the working score for Richard Linklater's adaptation of Philip K. Dick's good-christ-it's- awesome novel A Scanner Darkly has been scrapped, and will be replaced with a new original score by Radiohead currently in the works, adding to the film's already formidable hipster cache. Fans cheer that Radiohead is the most vital and interesting musical project working today. Meanwhile, U.N. Spacy identifies those people and sternly crosses them off our list of people we're willing to split a pitcher with.
If you can find Mary-Kate Olsen in the picture to the right, I guess you're back on the pitcher-split list, 'cause I'm hard-pressed to make out anything human (or even gelfling) there. This pic accompanies an interview in which Mary-Kate tells W Magazine she misses and still loves badboy ex-boyfriend/Petron enthusiast Stavros Niarchos III, although the two are no longer on speaking terms. Also on MKO's no-talky list is Paris Hilton, which probably works out well for both. I mean really, how many stilted "You got it, dude!"s can one heiress be expected to tolerate?!?
Since we're talking gelfling, take a gander at this.
Italian tabloid Grazia says that Jennifer Aniston recently gathered friends outside her Malibu house for a boisterous ceremonial burning of her wedding dress, love letters from ex-husband Brad Pitt, and a few other mementos.
Also on Page Six is a rhyming Christmas-y skewering of Katie Couric, if you're into that kinda thing.
In the wake of Murder Inc.'s high-profile mega-criminal allegations, Ashanti tells MTV News about her tough lessons in "trinkle-down economics." She also gushes that it was "a pleasure" to work with Meth, which unfortunately isn't nearly as funny in context.
You know what totally sucks? It totally sucks when you're staying at your celebrity friend's house and you peel off your shirt to do some topless mail-checking and some slimy paparazzo, like, totally invades your privacy by snapping photos from three football field lengths away and the next thing you know you hafta have your lawyer clean the pictures off the internet. Man that totally sucks!

A Loving Study Of The Many Expressive Stylings Of Lindsay Lohan

2005-12-12T11:09:00.000-08:00

I know this is a lot to take in before noon on a Monday, but news doesn't sleep, folks! Some will recall the Paris Hilton flash animation thing we posted back in November. Like that nervy meditation in pictures, this one came from YTMND. We're all looking forward to the eyelids-at-half-mast Tara Reid installment. Or - ooh! - Jeremy Piven!

Contrails: U.N. Spacy Hurries Through A Week Of Gossip

2005-12-09T13:10:00.000-08:00

First off, the Photo Death Match post immediately below this one is new as of this afternoon. I mention this because I worry people will mistake it from the Photo Death Match post from ten days ago. Secondly, this is pretty much a lightning-fast catch-up on everything we slept on this week.

Teri Hatcher explains to Us Weekly why it's perfectly acceptable to despise the rich: "I will never pay for dinner again... I don't have to marry a gazillionaire, but I don't want to pay for dinner anymore."
Sorry, ladies, as of today Matt Damon is a very married man.
Satisfied with winning the last-couple-standing competition by an enormous margin, Nicole Richie and DJ AM call off their engagement. U.N. Spacy tries to play it cool, but is found pitifully choked up nonetheless.
Allegedly Britney Spears has had her fill of Kevin Federline's carryings on. Reports on this one vary wildly and, frankly, interest fewer and fewer as the hours pass.
I love these periodic appearances by Jessica Simpson assistant CaCee Cobb in the headlines.
Brad Pitt has allegedly taken measures to adopt Angelina Jolie's children and, if rumors are to be believed, won't stop proposing marriage.
Oh, and that's Hilary Duff hanging out at a porno party above.

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 565 - Dec. 12, 2005 (Simpson-Lachey Tie)

2005-12-09T13:07:00.000-08:00

Where has U.N. Spacy been this week? For the sake of simplicity, let's just say that the staff has been on a arduous week-long drinking binge, the stain of Johnnie Walker still discernable on our collective breath. Or if that doesn't suit you, I could say that we've been attending an out-of-town symposium concerning modes of address unique to the cinema of Belgian filmmaker Chantal Akerman. And if you still aren't satisfied, I could try and convince you that a cup of coffee mockingly rendered the office's lone keyboard inoperable. Believe what you want, but we'll not answer to anything less outlandish.

So what the fuck is going on in Us Weekly??? Well, I'll tell ya, I'm only just now piecing that together myself. The Simpson breakup issue never appeared in our mailbox, which caused me more anguish than you'll ever know. Usually when this happens, blame can rightly be laid on the United States Postal Service (I've made a number of complaints, and each time I'm fed the wildly unlikely claim that "Super Dimensional Fortress 1" is a confusing street address). However, this time it's our fault. We, uh, let our subscription lapse and, uh, only realized the mistake yesterday. Fortunately, Borders Books is slow on stocking the latest issues, and we were able to scrape together enough change to buy this landmark ish off the newstand. I don't have the cover shot but, again, this is the Simpson breakup issue. Imagine bountiful cleavage, ominous bleached teeth, and a photoshopped "rip" effect and you've pretty much got the idea.

(1) Jessica Simpson. 31 images!!!
(tie) Nick Lachey. 31 images!!!
This week's issue finds Us Weekly not only at its most vitally relevent, but truly at the top of its game. Page 63 begins the Simpson-Lachey breakup story with the following: "For most families, Thanksgiving is a time to come together...." Before the first paragraph has expired, Us is already parading J.Simp's grandpa in front of us, who assures America that, even in such woefully discouraging times, "the Lord will take care of everything." Oh and there's a four-page pictorial entitled "The Way They Were." The article closes with the following assessment: "I think we all saw it coming when they put their faces on MTV. To put their commitment to each other in front of the world is just asking for trouble." Those words spoken, by the way, by one-time MTV producer Chris Hart.

(3) Russell Crowe. 7 images.
(4) Nicole Richie. 6 images.
(tie) Angelina Jolie. 6 images.
(tie) Mischa Barton. 6 images.
Like you care.... What with Jess and Nick hoarding over sixty images between them, there isn't a lot of page left to go around. Russell Crowe cashes in for the second time on a Cinderalla Man advertisement. It's enough to make him this week's runner-up, but not nearly enough to add up to even a quarter of J.Simp or Nick Lachey's numbers. That Angelina and fam rate a fair chunk of the remaining space should surprise no one. Weight troubles secure Nicole's spot, while Mischa makes the grade only by bringing her trembling face perilously close to something truly gross.

If anyone else in this week's games can be said to have had a worthy showing, it's SpactCamp alum Tate Donovan (5 - wtf?) and that aforementioned something truly gross, Cisco Adler (5). Lindsay Lohan showed four times, Kristin Cavallari thrice. Jennifer Aniston showed only twice, while where the holy fuck is Paris Hilton??? And I think that brings us more or less up to speed.

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 564 - Dec. 5, 2005 (Jolie By 4)

2005-11-30T16:06:00.000-08:00

By the time anyone laid hands on this issue, it was already comically dated. The official announcement of Jessica Simpson's separation from Nick Lachey pretty much rendered everything contained in these pages more or less beside the point. Nevertheless, these games must be reported on. Actually, I'm really not convinced that they do, but what the hell...

(1) Angelina Jolie. 13 images.
(2) Maddox Jolie. 9 images.
(3) Brad Pitt. 8 images.
It's right there on the cover: "Angelina's taking prenatal vitamins - so why is she waiting to marry Brad?" That's the story, and it plays out pretty much just like you'd figure. But to my thinking, the real story here is what the fuck did little Zahara ever do to Us Weekly?!?

(4) Gwyneth Paltrow. 6 images.
Kind of out of nowhere, Paltrow doesn't have a feature story, and isn't currently in the headlines to speak of. It helps that she's hocking some fragrance (a refreshingly inoffensive one, I should mention), but only a little.

(5) J.Lo. 6 images.
(tie) Russell Crowe. 6 images.
(tie) Jessica Alba. 6 images.
And then there were three.... Far as J.Lo goes, I have only this to say: You've had those weird moments where something looks to be coincidence, but something about it seems planned, fated, maybe even meant to be, and it causes you to wonder if a higher power might've had a hand in this mortal coil? Well, this is one of those moments. The two highest-profile exes in Ben Affleck's life both show admirably with parallel Death Match performances. Now you can't tell me that's just "one of those things." This was no accident. Russell Crowe gets in here because of a Cinderella Man DVD advertisement with more than a little of a For Your Consideration undertone. And Jessica Alba is a snake charmer, so there you go.

Oh, and if you're wondering where Jessica Simpson (4) has hiding this week, check page 4's Who Wore It Best? face-off with, ahem, Debra Messing (1). Winning the battle, but losing the war, Jessica's implementation of a Smythe velvet blazer is not-so- overwhelmingly preferred to Messing's wearing of same, 58 to 42.

This week's other hardly-worth-mentioning-in-light-of-Jess's- breakup appearances include Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Charlize Theron, Usher, Rosario Dawson, and fallen titan Jennifer Aniston with four apiece. Kimberly Stewart and Talan Torriero fail to capitalize on their already defunct engagement, with three and two shots, respectively.

Contrails: Simpson Family Doesn't Talk About... Somebody, I Dunno.

2005-11-30T15:03:00.000-08:00

California's animal control set a harsh precedent with the confiscation of unlawfully-kept pet Baby Luv from socialite Paris Hilton. The first to follow California's example, the state of New York sequesters Busta Rhymes' dreadlocks.
Not to be outdone by rival Ja Rule, rapper 50 Cent performs at a bigger, bling-ier bat mitzvah with Aerosmith, Don Henley, and buncha other straight thugs. Unfortunately at press time we were not able to confirm whether or not the festivities included a field trip to the candy shop. [Via Defamer]
After eating Us Weekly's dust a week ago today, Star swallows its pride and interrogates Ashlee Simpson on Jessica's freshly-single Thanksgiving. Spiralling further from top-shelf tabloid journalism, Star additionally questions Ashlee boyfriend/bandmate Ray Brady, who says that Nick Lachey has "not really been a topic of conversation for some time now." Which is what we've been trying to say for some time now.
Also on the Simpson front, Billy Bush of Access Hollywood expresses surprise at Joe Simpson's decision to go to Us with the breakup story after intimating to Bush on several occasions that he would "never" work with Us again. Here's the full intriguing story (scroll down to the Nov. 24th entry). [Via Perez Hilton]

A Fool And Her Monkey Are Soon Parted

2005-11-29T16:00:00.000-08:00

Anyone who's spent any time reading this blog knows that no one here particularly takes Paris Hilton for a fool, but that headline just wouldn't be denied. Anyway, if Female First is to be believed (and that's a question worth pondering, really), Baby Luv and a sobbing Paris were parted by California animal authorities.

U.N. Spacy previously reported that Baby Luv is a kinkajou, a species that California does not permit its citizens to keep as pets.

Contrails: Paris Hilton Round-Up

2005-11-28T16:43:00.000-08:00

Paris Hilton tells the Shop Etc. magazine, "I believed in Santa Claus until I was 17 when some mean person told me it wasn't true." Similarly, I believed in the fourth season of The Simple Life until some mean person told me it wasn't true. I wonder if it was the same person. But speaking of which....
Those Christmas angels over at E! ordered ten episodes of the abandoned fourth season of The Simple Life, and plan to follow the "Simple Wife" scenario Fox had at one time persued. The network - now the greatest in the history of television - has also picked up syndication rights for the previous three seasons of the show.
Finally, Paris Latsis and Stavros Niarchos III had a very vocal run-in this weekend at an American Music Awards afterparty. The story ends with allegations that Stavros rushed into the men's room and "puked everywhere." Paris Hilton's poor rep is sent in for the thankless save, attempting to defuse the story with the delightfully improbably claim that a close friend in the Stavros entourage is a dead ringer for everyone's favorite Patron consumer. Oh and get this: that's the guy who trashed the Hard Rock Hotel also.

Jessica Alba: Soon To Be Engaged???

2005-11-28T16:23:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since Jessica Alba and her nightvision have graced these pages with their presence. She's been busy, we've been busy, the holidays are upon us. People lose touch, but it doesn't mean they don't still care. So it is with open arms and a warm smile that we welcome Alba back to U.N. Spacy with reports that beau Cash Warren is rumored to be shopping for an engagement ring for the multi-talented favorite of high school locker decorators everywhere.

An insider proclaimed that "Cash has been discreetly looking at engagement rings at various jewelry stores in Beverly Hills."
Warren by all accounts has yet to make a purchase, but Cash is looking for something specific - a traditional diamond solitaire set in platinum, according to published reports.

And really, why wouldn't he pop the question? The girl's quite the catch. Sure, she was far more approachable as a blonde, and it'll be tough to find a ring that'll fit on her webbed hands, but she's a certified air-conditioner repairwoman, an avid pole-vaulter, and can - if pressed - hold her breath for eleven minutes! I mean, come on!

Simpson Break-Up Announcement "Calculated"

2005-11-28T16:12:00.000-08:00

Brace yourself for this one: people don't like Joe Simpson!?!?

Now I hate to kick you while you're down, but there's more. Tabloid journalism television doesn't broadcast live during Thanksgiving weekend!?!?

If Page Six hasn't ruined your appetite by now, reading the story in toto surely will.

JOE Simpson is being called the grinch who stole Thanksgiving. Jessica Simpson's father, who's seen as the puppetmaster behind Jessica and her soon to be ex, Nick Lachey, released the announcement that they were finally calling it quits at 10 p.m. Wednesday night. The late call meant staffers for "Entertainment Tonight," "The Insider," "Access Hollywood" and Extra!" — which had all pre-taped their Thursday and Friday shows — had to work on Thanksgiving. "They got their holidays, but we didn't," growled one staffer. "They couldn't have waited one day? This was so calculated."

I know, I know. Calling the timing of Jessica Simpson's announcement "calculated" is a bit uncalled for, but let's cut this unnamed staffer a little slack for speaking in the heat of the moment. Surely he or she has had two days to regret these alarmist, hysterical words already; let's not add to their troubles.

Lindsay Lohan Relaxes Responsibly

2005-11-28T11:08:00.000-08:00

Best I can tell, that's a Corona, not the Corona Light favored by the underage female demographic. Linds, you may not realize this, but that's a fattening bottle of carbs and calories you've got perched perilously on your lips there. See, this is why there are age restrictions on drinking. These poor girls just have no idea....

Pre-Marital Separation Shocker Of The Decade: Kimberly Stewart, Talan Torriero Decide "It Is Better To Have A Brief Engagement Than A Short Marriage"

2005-11-27T22:41:00.000-08:00

What with plush-filled knee-length boots being such a staple of California's young jetset, who'd have guessed that cold feet would turn out to be so very this season!?!

It would be overly cynical to suggest that Kimberly Stewart and Talan Torriero hatched an engage-up-and-break-up scheme to capitalize on the latest wave of aborted wedding plans. But I'm the type of guy who's going to suggest just that. That or David Cronenberg's effects team was called back too soon to accomodate the one-month anniversary of their engagement.

A highlight of MSNBC's coverage of the cancelled engagement is the offhand statement that the pair "announced their engagement earlier this month," which is a pretty funny way to say "eleven days ago" when you think about it. Anyways, here's the official word:

“It was just too soon to enter into a lifelong commitment,” their representatives said in a joint statement. “It is better to have a brief engagement than a short marriage. The couple continue to share their time together and remain open to whatever the future may hold.”

I hereby nominate "Better to have a brief engagement than a short marriage" to replace the dusty, played-out "Better to burn out than to fade away" from here on out.

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 563 - Nov. 28, 2005 (Aniston By 4)

2005-11-25T18:19:00.000-08:00

Readers take note, this isn't the Jolie cover issue, it's the Holiday Diet Tricks issue. Yes, I'm a week behind, but only because the Cacarel Promesse advertisement ("More than a fragrance, a promise...") disabled the left side of my brain for three days, or anyway that's how the doctor described it to me. And yes, the Diet Secrets cover story is every bit as evil as you've surely guessed; possibly worse. Among the industry secrets our favorite celebs share? Eat veggies. Drink water. Don't "overdo" pigs-in-a-blanket breakfasts. Wildly innovative, these stay-slim schemes. And while a double-check shoots down my claim that Us turns to Nicole Richie for healthy eating advice, they do accept tips from Courtney Cox, Lindsay Lohan, and Hilary Duff . But enough editorializing, let's get to the game.

(1) Jennifer Aniston. 10 images.
Jen enjoys the final days of her exhaustingly dull reign, but braces herself for a tire iron assault from Jessica Simpson, just in time for the holidays. And thank Christ, really. As of about three weeks ago I'd run out of anything to say about Jen's Death Match domination that didn't involve comparison to Jess. If you've read Us recently, you've surely noticed that they don't have too much more to say either. My analysis has Jen dropping all the way off the charts before the end of December. Don't get me wrong, she'll be back with more inspirational talk show appearances that will bore me to airplane glue, but she won't take home the gold for at least another month.

(2) Mary-Kate Olsen. 6 images.
An astonishing transformation from anorexic malnourishment to radiant, glamorous well-being scores MKO nothing short of a cover shot. Says one source of a recent Olsen sighting, "She filled out her clothes better and actually had some curves." But good luck figuring which pictures depict the too-skinny Mary-Kate, and which ones the just-right curvy one. Unless spray-tan and eye-liner can be ingested through Gelfling pores, I'm hard-pressed to identify any physical signs of dramatic recovery. But don't you worry, the article makes clear that Olsen's inner circle have Mary-Kay's back. Says an insider, "Her friends never skip meals around her."

(tie) Paris Hilton. 6 images.
(tie) Lindsay Lohan. 6 images.
For some reason, it doesn't strike Us as in poor taste to print fitness tips from LiLo. As for Paris, by all right she should own this tawdry rag (not to mention this tawdry blog [E me, P.]). Probably the highlight of the issue is a shot of Paris pushing a grocery cart overflowing with contents more commonly associated with the Spears-Federline estate. Yet in classic Hilton style, the ice cold indifference that peeks through her gradiant sunglasses leaves me utterly convinced that girlfriend hit the Smart & Final discount store just to be ironic.

(tie) Madonna. 6 images.
Brand new album. That and talking shit on Paris. Any other week it'd take a public appearance with the implausibly adorable fruits of her loins for Ms. Ciccone to place.

I'd tell you that it was all about defense this week, but I'm really not sure what that means. Suffice it to say that with a four-way tie for second (at six shots, no less), there's a dearth of exciting also-rans. J.Simp rocked five, which ties her with Matt Lauer for sixth. Four pictures apiece may be credited to Jessica Alba, Courtney Cox, Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Heidi Klum, Eva Longoria, Jennifer Lopez, and Mandy Moore. But none of this is really news. Probably the next issue won't add up to much either. But the week after that, it'll pretty much take an alien bursting splattery from Katie Holmes belly to keep Jessica Simpson from a cover story and Death Match victory.

Divorce Shocker Of The Year!

2005-11-24T12:55:00.000-08:00

Whether tabloid journalism has honed its collective dirt-scouring skills to truly awe-inspiring precision, or have devised a sinister means of actually willing celebrity couples apart, gossip columnists all over the world are having a particularly self-satisfied Thanksgiving this year, and not just because they've found reasonable cause for over twenty "It's Thanksgiving. Be Nice. FUCK!" outbursts. Us Weekly reports:

A month after Us Weekly first reported on the breakup of Newlyweds Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, the couple has jointly announced an official separation. 'After three years of marriage, and careful thought and consideration, we have decided to part ways,' the couple tells Us in an exclusive joint statement. 'This is the mutual decision of two people with an enormous amount of respect and admiration for each other. We hope that you respect our privacy during this difficult time.' Us Weekly first reported the couple’s split in its October 17 issue; at that time, Lachey's publicist issued a denial of an official separation. Just last week, Lachey partied alone with pals in Miami, on November 22, he attended the American Music Awards without his wife, one day after the New York Post reported that a porn star was peddling a seamy story about her night with Lachey (Lachey's attorney has denied any impropriety). Tellingly, at the AMAs, Simpson's father Joe Simpson told an Us reporter of his daughter's ongoing media scrutiny, 'We are Simpsons, we take a lickin’ and keep on tickin’.'
The telegenic couple wed in Austin, Texas in October 2002 in front of 250 guests. 'You don't think it's possible to love the man you're looking at any more. But when you say 'I do,' you somehow end up loving him even more,' Simpson told Us in October of 2004. 'When I walked down the aisle it was like Romeo and Juliet.' The duo became international celebrities by televising their first years of marriage on MTV's Newlyweds. While the show was wildy successful and the duo reaped the benefits of their newfound fame — both released albums and Jessica, who earned $35 million last year, landed a starring role in 2004's Dukes of Hazzard (in contrast, Nick's solo debut, only a paltry 105,000 copies)— reports of trouble have dogged the relationship since the second season of Newlyweds.

Says Lachey, "They're still the best yams I've ever candied."

But seriously, folks, various members of U.N. Spacy's upper-level staff have very recently revisited the glorious first season of The Newlyweds, and decided that you'd have to be daft to argue that this wasn't in the fucking cards. Even at that early date, one detects in Nick a certain... well let's call it loathing of Jessica. He spends most of his precious screen time bitching to his dramatically less dashing brother about what a moron Jess is. Conversely, Jessica spends most of her time alone, bitching to America about how Nick never hangs out with her, and commenting with disarming frequency on the uncontested fact that she herself is, in fact, a moron.

As much as America will want to find a victim a la Jen in this split, neither choice sells itself particularly well. Despite her best efforts to save the world, Jessica is truly the Queen of Harpies. For his part, Nick has done an admirable job of proving that a dim-witted, spoiled little brat of a princess is exactly what he wants from life. Nick's victim-ability will further dwindle with the inevitable - and necessary - rapid cuddle-up to another equally dense young ingenue, and finding his way into a swift betrothal, or facing the perils of the C-list cold turkey.

But perhaps there is a victim in all this: Joe Simpson. Like Doctor Frankenstein, he's watched the product he created (out of the marriage he feared more than breast cancer) soar to such lofty superhuman heights, then spent the last six months watching America pull it limb from limb at its stitches. Now this trademarked union will either lie down and die, its individual participants forced to Joey-like measures, or - more interestingly - direct the death rattle of the marriage, choppy waters of their accusation-laden divorce, and awkward forays into singledom back at reality television. Either an all-new splitcentric season of Newlyweds, or just a very special episode of Divorce Court. Whatever comes of this, we're due for a genuine precedent in the rethinking and remarketing of one of the most successful, inspired, and insipid comsumer products of the decade.

Also, just who is this Nick character, anyway?

"Jesus! It's Thanksgiving. Be Nice. FUCK!"

2005-11-22T16:46:00.000-08:00

In the unlikely event that our readers dislike themselves enough to skip a day of Defamer, we transcribe the following field report posted on that fine site about Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria - who, you may recall, U.N. Spacy has a very poor opinion of.

While picking up Koo Koo Roo mashed potatoes today I witnessed a fine example of Los Angeles kindness.
A woman who short-changed the parking attending by only giving him half of the required two dollars to leave the lot, yelled at him. (This was happening while she was trying to navigate her SUV and talk on the cell phone):

Attendant: “You only gave me a dollar?”

Shrew: “Jesus! It’s Thanksgiving. Be nice. FUCK!”

And she drove off.

Yes. I swear it was… I kid you not…

Desperate Housewife Eva Longoria.

In fairness to Ms. Longoria, she was running late for an inspirational-speaking-about-her-own-hairless-bathing-suit-area appearance.

Contrails: "Bratman Bratwurst" Terrorizes Guests At Xtina Wedding Reception; Mayonnaise Threats Met With Hysteria

2005-11-22T14:50:00.000-08:00

I must confess, Xtina Aguilera in her wedding dress really doesn't much resemble a bottle of bubblebath. It's more like a jellyfish attacking an oozing bottle of bubblebath.
We'd be remiss in our blogging duties if we didn't draw your attention to Xtina's new husband's much ballyhooed comments on the Bratman family's well-hung genes.
At this point, spotting Jessica Simpson without her wedding band is about as difficult as catching a glimpse of Trishelle's left nipple. See the latest example (of ringless Simpson, that is) here. By the way, those two are supposed to be hotties. Just wanted to warn you, 'cause if your caught failing to enumerate the limbs you'd gladly part with for a chance to sodomize J.Simp, you get kicked out of the blogosphere. That's what they told us anyway. Then they kicked our puppy.
What are you talking about? The American Music Awards are so totally not a farce.

Another Great Day In Harlem, er, Atlanta: T.I., Ludacris, Young Jeezy, Ying Yang Twins Assemble For Historic Photo Shoot

2005-11-22T12:35:00.000-08:00

MTV News reports:

On Friday, what seemed to be impossible was done. More than 50 members of Atlanta's music community came out to stand together, unified. Literally.

Call it "A Great Day in Atlanta." T.I., Ludacris, Bobby Valentino, members of Disturbing Tha Peace, the Ying Yang Twins, T-Mo and Kujo Goodie, TLC's T-Boz, the ladies of Crime Mob, Organized Noize, Killer Mike, Field Mob, Mr. Collipark, Jermaine Dupri, influential music exec Kawan "KP" Prather, DJ Crew the Aphilliates, Bone Crusher, Boys N Da Hood, Young Jeezy and others gathered to recreate the famous 1958 "A Great Day in Harlem" photo [ed. note: pictured above and discussed in detail here and here] by Art Kane.

For the original, Kane assembled close to 60 members of the jazz community in New York's Harlem neighborhood — including Count Basie, Thelonious Monk, Dizzy Gillespie and Henry "Red" Allen [ed. note: oh yeah and Art Blakey, Charles Mingus, Coleman Hawkins, Gerry Mulligan, Oscar Pettiford, Sonny Rollins, and Lester Young; but admittedly not Lil Wayne] — to pose together. The ATL gathering will be part of the upcoming MTV special "My Block: Atlanta."

Even overlooking the absense of Lil Jon and, ohidunno, Outkast, I fear some readers will fail to recognize the cultural high water mark that is the documentation of the Rubberband Man standing arm-in-arm with the man behind the Snowman t-shirt controversy and He Who Keeps Hoes In Different Area Codes. To which I would say, bear in mind that Atlanta is a city rich in culture, where the playas play, and they ride on them things like every day. Big beats, hit streets, gangstas roamin'.... And the parties don't stop til eight in the mornin'. Still not sold? Well prepare to be enlighted, bitches.

"This is something real big for the city," boasted Young Jeezy, who was standing next to T.I.

"It's a positive thing," legendary producer Rico Wade of Organized Noize said. "It's a blessing that MTV's showing Atlanta love. And it's a blessing that we got the people, we got the talent."

"The A-Town sticks together," Boyz N Da Hood member Jody Breeze testified. "It's an honor to be a part of all this. It's another step for us. It's another big move for the A to bring us closer together."

"It's beautiful," agreed Jermaine Dupri, who was holding his bulldog Slash on a Louis Vuitton leash [ed. note: italics mine]. "I think it's way overdue, but I think it's great that we as a city did everything we could possibly do to get to this point. I look around and I say you can't look at this picture, you gonna have to listen to this picture today."

I admit it isn't entirely clear, but I think what Dupri means is that you'll be forced to listen to this picture as it was particularly sunny during the shoot and there's just way too much glare in some playas' grills for you to wanna fuck up your eyes looking at it.

A possible fringe benefit to all this, a spin-off series of copycat photos in other metropolises may enable the St. Lunatics to extend unemployment benefits.

Yeah, But I Actually Stole it From Steve Allen.

2005-11-22T12:14:00.000-08:00

Today at Defamer there's this.

Couple months back, I posted this.

Yeah, I know, we're not really scooping them. I'm also aware that Lisanti probably never has nor will he ever read this blog. But inadvertantly or not, he did steal my poorly articulated joke. So this is me sticking my tongue out at him. So there.

Contrails: Our Banner Is Better Than Yours

2005-11-21T16:06:00.000-08:00

Anyone notice our smoking hot new banner? We're excruciatingly excited about this recent development, and would like to express our endless appreciation to the considerable talents of Matthew Parker, who designed both the banner and our logo. Mr. Parker will unfortunately learn the hard way that you can dress us up, but you sure as hell can't take us out.

MTV begs the question, "what could the next three [Harry Potter] films in the series look like if, say, someone like David Cronenberg or Quentin Tarantino were heading them up?" In lieu of answering that already ridiculous question, they pick the brains of Chris Stokes (You Got Served), Sam Mendes (Jarhead), and Josh Stolberg (Kids In America). Oh, and Gregg Araki (don't even get us started).
After a failed attempt to reason with his teacher on the shoddy ethics of animal dissection, Laguna Beach star Talan Torriero struck a deal granting him course credit, but requiring him to wed his senior biology project. Now he's walkin' all fancy, showing up at pop star Omarion's 21st birthday celebration and making a big show of his unwillingness to go on record about the C-list clown car where he tenderly shared an inebriated fender bender with no less than Paris Hilton. As if anyone was asking.
Proving the desperate need for tough legislation on torture, Star Magazine's ruthless interrogators squeeze testimony from an unnamed source that Stavros Niarchos III dumped Paris Hilton on November 13th because she's too wild and out of control. Star maintains that no unethical or unlawful means were used to obtain this information, yet they also claim that the source volutarily revealed that Stavros told Paris, "'I need time to reflect. I should have been home today studying."
Radar reports that over 120 crew members have already abandoned the shoot for Michael Mann's big screen treatment of back-in-vogue TV series Miami Vice. "And it’s not just the key grips," says Radar. No, they actually said that. I'm serious. Moreover, I never trifle with grips. And you shouldn't either.
I know it's been kind of quiet on the Jessica Simpson front lately, so here's a rekindled story about what's-his-names improprieties at a bachelor party sex show with porn star Jessica Jaymes. She and three porno-hangers-on are asking $1 Million for the exclusive rights to their steamy story. Generally speaking, when the public fails to believe one uncompensated adult entertainer's story, it's a sign that an extortion campaign by four adult entertainers should be smooth sailing.
Meanwhile, publicist Brad Cafarelli severed his relationship with client Jessica Simpson. Reports indicate that Superdad Joe was a little too super for Cafarelli's tastes.
Lionel Richie says stress is to blame for Nicole Richie's dwindling frame. [Via Defamer]
Finally, check out Page Six gettin' all feline with Jennifer Aniston!

UPDATED: Everybody's Got Something To Hide, Except For....

2005-11-21T15:51:00.000-08:00

Page Six reports:

PARIS Hilton's new pet monkey, Baby Luv...

That's pretty much the story, folks. Paris has a monkey, and sees fit to refer to it as Baby Luv. The story details Baby Luv's behavior while lingerie shopping in Las Vegas last weekend, which can best be characterized as simian.

UPDATE: Baby Luv is a kinkajou, which is an illegal species in the state of California. According to the Chicago Tribune, Hilton could be committing a misdemeanor by keeping the critter.

A spokesperson for the California Department of Fish and Game says their first action will be to send Hilton a letter making her aware of the violation. To which Hilton's flack says, "If she receives a letter from the Fish and Game people, I'm sure it will be reviewed and acted upon accordingly." To which a spokesperson for PETA says, "It seems she thinks animals are as disposable as her friends and fiances." To which U.N. Spacy says, "Not even cute."

Genie In A Bubblebath Bottle

2005-11-21T14:23:00.000-08:00

From-a-distance photos of Xtina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman's ~~Star Wars convention~~ wedding to went down on Saturday, as anticipated. Lord knows what sort of Redman-riding antics the 150 wedding guests witnessed, as the Daily Mail reports that each was required to sign a three-page confidentiality agreement. Although such draconian measures may strike some as extreme, it has already been discovered that one guest attempted to sell a wedding announcent (which, it should be mentioned, was a two-foot box of flowers). Celebrity guests included Justin Timberlake, Cameron Diaz, Carmen Electra, Nelly, Pink, and Drew Barrymore. [Pic via A Socialite's Life]

Contrails: "Ay Yo! What The Shizzy Is A 'Por Favor,' B?!?"

2005-11-19T09:15:00.000-08:00

It's just after 9:00 on a Saturday morning, so I'm fairly comfortable confessing that today's Contrails items were pretty much all discovered at the esteemed Goldenfiddle.

I hear that Missy Elliott has no less than three instant messaging accounts. "One for friends, one for business, and one for porn." Wanna know where I heard this? From David Byrne, that's where.
Supposedly these pictures depict K. Fed's debit card being declined. That, or the last customer tapped the "Espanol" key.
Xtina Aguilera and her perpetually not heinous boyfriend Jordan Bratman are set to marry this evening at the Staglin Family Winery in Napa Valley. Rest assured, Aguilera's dress has been custom made to assure clear nipple-ring visibility in photos taken withing a twenty-yard range.
"We had these boards at home and every time my sister Nicky and I did something good or did a chore we'd get a star and then we'd get things. That's the reason I'm so motivated and successful now. I think that did something for me." I submit that as Paris Hilton spoke these words, kid brother Barron ran a soldering iron through the head of a Furby. Confronted about it later, he had absolutely no memory of the event.

Laguna Bitch

2005-11-18T17:08:00.000-08:00

Yes, unlikely as it is, we are being asked to believe that the image to our left is an accurate representation of Ms. Kimberly Stewart. Yesterday we reported that Paris Hilton's own personal Kimmy Gibbler and Laguna Beach star/Lindsay Lohan ex Talan Torriero have gone and gotten themselves all engaged. Here are further, grislier details, courtesy of MSNBC:

They announced their surprise engagement Wednesday evening at a Los Angeles party for Microsoft’s Xbox. Stewart flashed a 5-carat diamond engagement ring, according to People.

Reports vary on the present duration of the pair's romance, but certainly it's no more than a few weeks old. Unfortunately, not all is joy and laughter, as Page Six reports:

"Talan's mother is hysterically crying. She is not happy."

Joking aside, how happy could a mother really be at the prospect of a welcoming the phermoneless, fright-wigged Jezebel of the C-list into her family. Ack.

Kelly Osbourne Tsk Tsks Stavros Niarchos

2005-11-18T16:25:00.000-08:00

Salon reports that Kelly Osbourne was less than thrilled with Stavros Niarchos' hotel-thrashing antics. Among other things, the ensuing evacuation put a quick halt to the 21st birthday party she was having a few floors above.

"Paris's stupid boyfriend ruined my 21st birthday," she tells U.K. gossip column 3am Girls. For some reason, she says, the hotel manager tried to make her pay for the damage, but she told him to go find Niarchos. "He has enough money -- he's a millionaire with too much spare cash. He's a rich kid, and they don't appreciate anything because they grow up with it all. I find it really annoying."

Niarchos then offered Osbourne $20 to set her head on fire.

Contrails: Turned Away From Exclusive Garment District Eatery, Brandon Davis Calls Elite Models For Delivery

2005-11-18T16:01:00.000-08:00

Access Hollywood reveals talk of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline starring on Broadway in a revival of Sweet Charity. It's totally gonna suck for Kathy Lee Gifford if her Carnival Cruise ads get one-upped by pop's princess.
You know why the world will never know who shot Cam'ron? Because the cops don't care? Nope. We'll never know because Cam "came from the street," and that's just not how he rolls.
Who'd want to spend half an hour with the Bluths if they didn't have to?
If you've cast aspersions at Chris Brown's intellect recently, you may wanna be gettin' your redact on. Brown explains his newest single: "When you say 'yo' to a girl, whether it be at an amusement park or the mall, [it can be] offensive. It's like, 'Yo, yo, yo,' and the girl will be like, 'What?' That's disrespectful.... But I try to flip it and make it seem like that's the only thing I could say, like, 'Yo, you took my breath away. Can I get your name and number and talk to you for awhile?'" Swoon, ladies. Swoon.
Here's a tip: While eating sushi, try to avoid gazing at length at Brandon Davis "eating" a model's face. But it's a-okay for all you steak-and-potatoes fellas.

"Would Maybe Consider" Is The New "Hell Yeah! I Hit That Shit Like A Porn Star!"; "Would Be Open To" The New "Sure, I Do That All The Time!"

2005-11-18T14:31:00.000-08:00

Sayeth Fergie: "I haven't had any surgery but I would maybe consider a nip and a tuck.... I would be open to botox." [Via Cityrag]

In Case The Whole 'Blender' Sucking Thing Still Has To Be Explained To Anyone...

2005-11-18T14:24:00.000-08:00

Introducing Agent Stoli Summer

2005-11-17T14:19:00.000-08:00

The New York Daily News reports:

Tara Reid, celebrating her 30th birthday in Miami, was "drinking straight from magnums of Champagne," says a spywitness. "By 4 a.m., she had to be carried out of the bar by her friends." Before her conspicuous exit, she told friends that she preserved her anonymity by using the alias "Stoli Summer."

Helpless In The Face Of A Triple-Dog-Dare, Talan Torriero Proposes To Kimberly Stewart.

2005-11-17T12:58:00.000-08:00

Story here. In sum,

~~The Simple Life~~

~~Taradise~~
Laguna Beach

Conspicuously absent from the list? Extreme Makeover. [Pic Courtesy A Socialite's Life]

See What Happens When 30 Well-Hung Phantoms Of The Opera STOP Fucking Polite, And START Fucking Real

2005-11-17T12:50:00.000-08:00

From the tirelessly entertaining LA Craigslist:

Want to Fuck a Reality Star - w4m - 22

Former Reality Actress is looking for 30 guys for Porn. $100 pay - w4m

Beautiful reality actress from MTV Real World is doing her first independent porn. We are searching for 30 very good looking guys to be in video shoot. Must be very good looking, be in great shape, and have an extra large penis.
All guys that will be featured in the film will be in masks (think phantom of the opera eye masks), so strong jaw line, and pretty eyes are a must

Casting this Monday from 10pm-1am in Hollywood, shooting next weekend in this is in or around Hollywood

Oh, and...

no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

If you're thinking showing up for this casting call, keep in mind that pretty eyes are a must. And while no specific Real World participant is named, this story seems somehow incomplete without...
[Via Defamer]

This is Your Brain.

2005-11-17T12:42:00.000-08:00

Kids, this is what happens when you stop doing drugs.

Contrails: Wo! Man Of The Year Is Aniston In Latest GQ

2005-11-16T15:03:00.000-08:00

Demonically rich fuckers James and Loren Ridinger make an early bid for the widespread contempt of disgustingly shallow daughter Amber with a $500,000.00 bat mitzvah celebration that involved a Playboy Playmate and persons under investigation by the FBI. Also musical performances by Ja Rule and Ashanti, whose career (in this instance there's really no call for the plural form) has in no way gone into laughable decline.
Jennifer Aniston is GQ's first ever Woman Of The Year. Over-forties take note, girlfriend's rockin' the no-shirt for the cover. Note that stories on Jen this year have given People its best-seller for the year, Vanity Fair its best-selling issue of all time, and Us readers more involuntary afternoon naps than in any previous year.
Looks like Jigga's got 100 problems as of Monday. And it looks like 2 Live Crew were right all along - white-collar people really were tryin' to grab their style.
50 Cent has plans to go into book publishing, starting with a series of short novels featuring the members of Mr. Cent's G-Unit squad in gritty adventures. Page Six cites Iceberg Slim and Donald Goines as Mr. Cent's literary influences, which is actually kind of cool, but in all probability these will read like third-tier J.L.A. with cuss words.
To close this mini hip-hop roundup, Nas says he's working with DJ Premier on his next record. I shouldn't hafta tell you that this is awesome.

Stavros And Pals Throw Tables, Flood Hotel Rooms, Cause Thousands Of Dollars In Damage

2005-11-16T13:58:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we told you a little story about Stavros Niarchos III and a hotel fire. Today further details emerge, which contradict and obscure much of what we previously reported. I personally prefer yesterday's post, for the single reason that it's a lot more fun to blame everything on a mob of rebellious Greek shipping heirs dancing shirtless in neo-pagan ritual around a torched queen-sized mattress. However, in the interest of keeping darling Paris Hilton at or near the top of the page, I present today's update, courtest of MSNBC.

The melee broke out at Kelly Osbourne’s 21st birthday bash at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas. Hilton and Niarchos were at the party when a playful pillow fight got rowdy and, at about 7:30 in the morning, a table was thrown, breaking a sprinkler head and setting off flooding, fire alarms, and evacuations, according to the Las Vegas Review-Journal.
Shipping heir Niarchos was spotted without his shirt and with feathers in his long hair, while his bodyguard dismissed the damage, telling a hotel staffer that it would all be paid for.

But Hilton — whose family owns the hotel — was reportedly distraught, and according to one report yelled at Niarchos: “I don’t want Hard Rock to think I bring in people who do this stuff.”

Nor do we, Paris. Nor do we.

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 562 - Nov. 21, 2005 (Aniston By 11)

2005-11-16T12:52:00.000-08:00

No typo there, Aniston really did take the gold by an eleven-image margin. This week's Death Match numbers are all kinds of weird. Aside from Aniston predictably winning again, almost nothing here plays out as expected.

(1) Jennifer Aniston. 23 images.
Right now you'd hafta be a fool to bet against Jen in these Matches, but by this enormous a margin? Well, the story here is not nearly as awe-inspiring as you might think. Apparently Jen was once on some show called Friends, the tenth season of which has only yesterday been issued for home viewing on digital video disc. A full-page advertisement for the entire DVD collection gains Jen no less than fourteen shots. Which is fortunate, 'cause a "lover's stroll" with Vince only rates her two.

(2) Julia Roberts. 12 images.
Julia's astonishingly inexplicable cover story covers the first birthday of her twin children. Just the birthday, not a swanky, celeb-laden birthday party. This is classic Baby Machine Weekly fluff. There is no scandal here, no excitement. Just a star and her progeny. Believe me when I tell you that the words "hot homemaker" appear together on several occasions.

(3) Matt LeBlanc. 11 images.
Pulling a Shannon Elizabeth this month, everyone's favorite star of everyone's least favorite sitcom greedily clutches to eleven paid-placement shots, taking home a less-than-dignified bronze.

(4) Ashlee Simpson. 9 images.
This really hasn't been Jessica's month. Her marriage is crumbling, but Ashlee is "determined" for her latest album to "be huge." Also she's convulsively hideous, and was recently captured on tape acting like a rude, white-wine-concussed beast. Reports from Toronto's Spuntini Ristorante claim that Ash had four or five glasses of wine over three hours before her now-infamous McDonald's performance. Unless "glasses" means "glass carafes," I find that figure more than a little suspect.

(5) Courtney Cox. 7 images.
(tie) Kate Hudson. 7 images.
Friends' wrath rages on, leaving Lisa Kudrow, Matthew Perry, and David Schwimmer (6 each) scratching their heads and firing their agents. Kate Hudson, for her part, is thin in a way that isn't flattering, which means Us points the scornful starvation finger, all the while running pics of Teri Hatcher on a jog, printing Jen's stay-thin diet tips, and breathlessly hand-jobbing J.Simp for her workout regimen. But hey, seven pics is seven pics is seven pics, and I doubt you'll hear any serious complaints from Hudson.

Other twinkly stars in your autumn sky include newly single Leonardo DiCaprio, Eva Longoria, Richard Gere, Scarlett Johansson, and Reese Witherspoon with five shots apiece. Leo's ex, Gisele Bündchen, doesn't fare as well, with two. Katie Holmes, Angelina Jolie, and Jessica Simpson each double as well. Pitiable singles are sheepishly offered by U.N. Spacy faves Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie, and by Baby Machine Weekly regulars Jennifer Garner, Denise Richards. Oh, and forget Paris....

Party at Cisco's Place!

2005-11-15T20:36:00.000-08:00

That's K-fed on the left there. That other dude is like a brother or cousing or something. What is it with these guys? Next thing you know, Jeff Foxworthy's publicist will let out with the news that he's screwing Ashlee Simpson. Also, if you look real hard, you can see all the cup-Ramen in those shopping bags. Mmmm, Corona and Ramen. Just what a healthy baby needs.

OMG IS TAHT SMITH J FROM SITC?!?!

2005-11-15T16:33:00.000-08:00

I don't really have anything to say about it except to say that you must read this. If it's true, it's the funniest thing ever.

Stavros And Pals Start Fire, Flood Hotel Rooms, Cause Thousands Of Dollars In Damage

2005-11-15T12:59:00.000-08:00

What the hell, let's squeeze two posts out of one Page Six item!

[Paris] Hilton's boyfriend, Stavros Niarchos III, was up to monkey business of his own. In one of the Hard Rock rooms paid for by Niarchos, his bonehead buddies started a fire Sunday morning. The blaze set off the sprinkler system which flooded a dozen rooms, a hotel source says. We're told Niarchos agreed to put $25,000 in damages on his credit card, but he'll likely have to pony up a lot more cash. "The damage may be closer to $100,000," says our source.

It is not yet confirmed whether this mishap resulted from a Cuervo-Petron misunderstanding, nor if the sprinkler-triggering blaze at any previous time held the form of a man of limited means. We'll keep you posted.

Because You're Slow.

2005-11-15T11:30:00.000-08:00

Some of you will remember that Tara Reid's 30th birthday was November 8. I posted a little heads up, right here. Not a big to-do. Defamer had already done a wonderful job. In fact, a few days later, they managed to snag a scan of the party invitation. Pretty awesome, right? Well, that was November 11. The party, as you can see, was scheduled for the following day, the 12th. Today is the 15th. There's finally some party coverage up at Defamer, A Socialite's Life and The Superficial. Which would be fine except it's all about how Tara didn't make a fool of herself because her mom was there. Big whoop. Sounds to me like somebody shit in a couple of bloggers' cereal. On top of that nonsense, I Don't Like You In That Way actually reports on the birthday itself just today! That story's accompanied by not unflattering pictures of Tara arriving at her party, followed by some remark about how they're gonna dig up those drunk photos any second now.

Guys, seriously. I know it's a slow news day. But at this point, running stories about how Tara didn't get wasted does not qualify as a hot story. And snaps about her being drunk? Somebody find me a cop and a donut or something. I forget how the joke goes.

And while I'm at it, remember this? I posted that like a week ago! So why is A Socialite's Life today running pictures from that same shoot? Seriously guys, you are all asleep at your respective switches. I have proven once and for all that U.N. Spacy is better than all y'all. Break yourself.

Raging Inferno Narrowly Averted By Simpson Girls

2005-11-14T12:10:00.000-08:00

"Ashlee is so stupid."

So this is where well all yell, "How stupid is she?"

"Ashlee is so stupid she left the popcorn in the microwave and almost burned the house down."

Oh man, that's juicy!!!

Gross.

2005-11-14T11:47:00.000-08:00

I can't decide if this is a publicity stunt or if Jack here is about to sue the producers of Jarhead for releasing his audition photos. Either way, I just ralphed my Honey Nut Cheerios. End communication.

Yippie-Kai-Yay.

2005-11-14T11:41:00.000-08:00

"I am baffled to understand why the things that I saw happening in Iraq, really good things happening in Iraq, are not being reported on." That's a quote from superstar action hero Bruce Willis. I suppose he's trying to remedy that situation now by creating his own news. Page Six reports the following:

Willis is such a die-hard patriot [ed: Ha-fucking-ha.] that he's offering $1 million to any civilian who turns in terror kingpins Osama bin Laden, Ayman al-Zawahiri or Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.

This is simply retarded. But it's not more retarded than the time a friend of mine, who at the time was a young boy, met Bruce Willis, who promptly told the child to "Fuck off."

Coming This Christmas: Furry, Heated B-Cups

2005-11-11T16:34:00.000-08:00

The Associated Press reports:

Furry, heated bras may soon appear in some Japanese wardrobes as the country prepares for "Warm Biz" - a nationwide government campaign urging workers to bundle up and save energy on heating this winter.
The Warm Biz Bra, unveiled this week by Tokyo-based underwear maker Triumph International, is lined with material that the company says helps save warmth.

The bra also has removable pads that can be heated in a microwave or hot water - as well as long, furry straps that wrap around the neck like a scarf, and matching shorts.

"Warm Biz lets you add a little fun and chic to office wear, and prevents global warming," Triumph says.

In an attempt to cut energy use, Japan's government has recommended setting thermostats this winter at 19 degrees Celsius (66 degrees Fahrenheit) for government buildings, and 20 degrees Celsius (68 degrees Fahrenheit) for private companies.

The government said this year's June-August "Cool Biz" campaign - which had bureaucrats and politicians sporting open-collar, short-sleeve shirts to cut down on air conditioning - saved 210 million kilowatt hours, enough to power 720,000 households for a month.

Western fashionistas have overwhelmingly turned their noses up at seasonally appropriate fads, but goddamnit, these bras come with dangling chili pepper pendants! My concern - and this is not a laughing matter, people - is that the arrival of garments that might actually compliment the bulk of Sienna Miller's footwear will spark a complete overhaul of the British star's wardrobe, which could be the precarious Jenga piece that brings down the entire UGG empire. If there's a silver lining to this blackest of clouds, it's that a sudden and catastrophic abandonment of millions of oversized, shaggy, unnaturally-pigmented boots could offer Jessica Simpson an opportunity to relaunch her erstwhile world-saving campaign. It's getting pretty cold in Pakistan right now, and those boots are faux-fur-lined, cozy, and exceedingly stylish....

Contrails: Shockwaves, Bitches. Shockwaves.

2005-11-11T16:08:00.000-08:00

Stacy Ferguson, aka Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas, has been tapped for a role in the next season of The Sopranos. She will play an undercover cop operating in a mafia-owned stip club. No, I will not mention pants-wetting in this post. Unless you count mentioning my refusal to mention it.... Damnit!
Remember that humongous 24-carat engagement ring Paris Hilton flaunted for much of this year? Page Six says it didn't come from Paris Latsis, and that it wasn't even real. Shockwaves, bitches. Shockwaves.
Arrested Development is, once again, fighting for its life. Already Fox has cut back its order to thirteen episodes of the series, and plans to pull the show from its programming schedule during sweeps. Is it just me, or is it fucking uncanny how this show's perpetually imperiled situation parallels that of the Bluth Company?
You know what this crazy mixed up world needs? Mischa Barton's autobiography, that's what! Says Barton, "I was starring opposite Julia Roberts at the age of twelve, that's already a big enough story!" Not only that, Mischa, it's everything modern literature's been starving for.
Oh and people are saying that Angelina Jolie's about t'fixin' to go public with her romance with Brad Pitt. Shockwaves, bitches. Shockwaves.

Critics Savage 50 Cent's 'Get Rich'

2005-11-11T15:01:00.000-08:00

WENN/IMDb News ran a piece yesterday in which Get Rich Or Die Tryin' subject/star Curtis Jackson, aka 50 Cent, mumbled something about his acting being crazy good because he didn't have to imagine what it was like to be that character, he was that character. Because WENN/IMDb News kind of sucks, that story has already disappeared, and there just isn't enough weekday left in me to bother Googling for it. Anyways, I offer that uncited comment as a counterpoint to the damn good time that can be had at Rotten Tomatoes, where you can read a cross section of the press on this movie. Suffice it to say that you'll probably be left with the impression that Mr. Cent might wanna rely a little more on that imagination thing next time. Here are some samples, which showcases the poor critical reception Get Rich has been enjoying, and suggests that film reviewers relish the opportunity to regress into knee-slap territory.

Sean Burns, Philadelphia Weekly
It's a floundering, embarrassing movie--one that comes off so amateurish you feel a little guilty for ragging on it.[...]

As so much of hip-hop relies upon adopting a fictional persona, it's not surprising to see rappers forging promising acting careers. On one hand you've got Tupac Shakur, Will Smith, Ice Cube, Mark Wahlberg, Ice-T, LL Cool J, Sean Combs and Andre Benjamin. On the other hand you've got 50 Cent.

This kid stinks. Wandering through most of Get Rich or Die Tryin' with a blank, gobsmacked expression and mumbling most of his lines inaudibly, Fitty can't even be bothered to act interested in his own life story.

Devin Faraci, CHUD.com
50 spends the film with one look on his face, and it’s the look that you imagine a caveman would have when confronted with a cellphone.

Pete Vonder Haar, Film Threat
Think of it as Mariah Carey’s Glitter, only with more murders.

Yahoo! Movie Mom
At least he makes his priorities clear; it's not called Make A Good Movie Or Die Tryin'.

David Frese, Kansas City Star
50? Well as an actor, he's a great rapper.

Laura Sinagra, Village Voice
You may die tryin' to stop laughin'.

Contrails: Who Wants To Buy A Hilton Polaroid?

2005-11-10T14:34:00.000-08:00

After putting up such a big fight to beat a murder rap only two months ago, rap star Beanie Sigel is going behind bars one again, this time for failing to pay $26,000.00 in child support. At least he has another opportunity to "speak the truth, the truth, nothin' but the truth!," if you know what I'm sayin', and I think ya do. (Actually, I strongly suspect you don't.)
MSNBC reports that Nicole Richie's been getting a series of prank-calls lately, and she suspects Paris Hilton is behind them. We'd try to add something to this story, but Defamer's already taken us to the cleaners on this one.
Speaking of the Hiltons (and we're always speaking of the Hiltons), wanna buy photographs of a 15-year-old Kathy Hilton? Hold on, before you answer that question, can I mention that the seller uses the term "spread eagled." Probably that'll sway your decision - just don't tell us which way.
Jessica Simpson, whose leaked "Fired Up" single is straight pants, is drawing criticism for her wedding anniversary solo trip to Africa. Supposedly an Operation Smile humanitarian visit, she took time off under the pretense of sudden illness, which she reportedly used to go on a safari. However, Operation Smile's response is that this was "scheduled downtime."

"Big Void" Now Single Void

2005-11-10T13:16:00.000-08:00

After a week or so of hits, allegations, and rumors, it really does look like Gisele Bündchen and Leonardo DiCaprio have split. Gisele's people say so, anyway. See for yourself:

Proooonto, acabou. Passô, passô... Gisele Peitchen, a Bündchen, está oficialmente solteira. Depois de trocentas "terminadas" publicadas pelos tablóides, a sua empresária confirmou hoje que ela e Leonardo DiCaprio, enfim, não estão mais dividindo as escovas de dente.

"Sim, Gisele e Leonardo terminaram", afirmou Mônica Monteiro, sem querer falar sobre os motivos que levaram ao fim. Tem gente dizendo que é Sienna Miller, da parte dele, e Kelly Slater, o surfista, da parte dela.

"Gisele não é o tipo de mulher que termina um relacionamento e engata logo outro", declarou a empresária.

Cá entre nós, foda-se quem eles estão pegando... Tem gente que pega 8 pessoas por noite e ninguém fala nada... Get a Life, gente.

Not much confusion over that, I'd say. But seriously folks, roughly translated, Mônica Monteiro confirms that, "Yes, Gisele and Leonardo have finished." Monteiro passes on graphic details, but does warn, "Gisele is not the type of woman who finishes a relationship and hooks up with another one soon."

Contrails: Paris Paris Paris Paris Paris Paris Paris

2005-11-09T16:41:00.000-08:00

If you presently suffer from epilepsy, you're in luck! This flash animation is a clinically proven cure. Thanks to Geminiwave for the tip!
According to MSNBC, Lindsay Lohan is so upset with Paris Hilton, that she's threatening to run off with Jared Leto and get married barefoot on the beach. Apparently the beach is in close proximity to L.A. and London.
Vince is "the one." But then you probably knew that.
Once again, IMDb throw themselves in front of a Veritech Beta. Don't worry, it's just a cry for help. They felt a bit left out of yesterday's ridicule.

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 561 - Nov. 14, 2005 (Aniston By 2)

2005-11-08T16:55:00.000-08:00

Alotta big names this week, but not much in the way of action. Twelve images takes home the gold, and seven gets you on the podium. I get the impression that no one's really relishing their victories these days. I'm not sure what's needed to spice things up here, but it's needed dearly.

(1) Jennifer Aniston. 12 images.
There is literally a pictorial chronicling her evening outfits for each night of her last trip to Manhattan. Among the revelations contained in this issue - and this is pretty interesting - the blazer Aniston wore at 4:00pm on October 28th is the same one she wore on December 19th of last year! No kidding!

(2) Britney Spears. 10 images.
Apparently this whole Britnet-K.Fed thing isn't working out so well. Shit gets heavy in Us's journalistic inquiry into their tough times. On October 30th, the pair took in an evening show of Elizabethtown at an Agoura Hills theater. There Britney rested her head on Kevin's shoulder. "It's a romantic comedy too," says one witness. "That says something." Fucking A it does!

(3) Jessica Simpson. 8 images.
We could only cackle maniacally for so long. It was sweet while it lasted. So sweet.

(tie) Angelina Jolie. 8 images.
Ange got the kids and the Brad together for a day at the beach in an unbeatable ploy to reclaim some of her lately faded glory. This shoot has all the glamour and danger of such high water marks as Brad and Ange's sexy adults-only Canadian grocery run.

(5) Brad Pitt. 7 images.
Do you remember the Pillsbury slice-and-bake ghost cookies? Do you? Even Maddox and Zahara net five images apiece!

(tie) Kevin Federline. 7 images.
This week's long-awaited skewering of Britney Spears inexplicable marriage to Kevin Federline offered little evidence, but plenty of shit-talking on K. Fed. Us resorts to the kind of no-holds-barred tough love they've recently used on Jessica Simpson's marriage to, uh, what's-his-name. The words "smoking marijuana" are deployed, best read aloud in a hushed voice. Once again, Us lets Shar Jackson out of that gimp-chest in the basement, but only long enough to make a few open snipes at Britney (who she couldn't get on the phone if she worked in distribution for Frito-Lay): "C'mon, kiddo, did you think things were going to be different?" Just before Us zips closed the mouthpiece of her mask, Jackson endeavors to speak to Kevin's defense. "In this industry, partying is almost work. That is how you meet people. So if she thinks he is going to be a stay-at-home dad, he can't afford to do that." I want to wish Jackson a speedy recovery from the hearing loss that doubtless resulted, despite the ear-insulating protection of her rubber mask, from the defeaning hyena-like laughter that followed her comments.

Evangeline Lilly scores five shots, most of them spent making out with a hobbit. Other notables include Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Jennifers Garner and Lopez, Hilary Duff, Rachel McAdams, Xtina Aguilera, Cameron Diaz, Charlize Theron, and Jake Gyllenhaal, each netting four shots. Less impressive are Katie Holmes (3), Tom Cruise (1), Reese Witherspoon (1), and Sienna Miller (1).

Contrails: Jennifer Love-Hewitt Loses $40 In Cunning, Diabolical Rip-Off Scheme

2005-11-08T16:13:00.000-08:00

Too busy chatting on her celly to fill her own tank, Jennifer Love Hewitt reportedly paid some random guy at the gas station $40 to pump gas for her. Perhaps the back-arching princess was busy ordering beds for dreamy Matt Damon, because she failed to notice that dude never put any gas in her tank, pocketing the money instead. Her Mini Cooper went empty not long later, and she had to get out and push (her car, not her tits together -- under the circumstances, I think clarification is called for).
50 Cent says there's no place for homosexuality in hip-hop. According to Mr. Cent, "Being gay isn't cool - it's not what the music is based on. There's always been conflict at the center of hip-hop, because it's all about which guy has the competitive edge, and you can't be that aggressive if you're gay.... I mean, some rappers are fruity, but they don't say they're gay out in the open." DVD to follow featuring cheap animation depicting every major figure in hip-hop acting all fruity while Mr. Cent punches stuff.
Lindsay Lohan's talking college. To get, like, a university degree. She has her sights set on New York University, for its ~~widely respected philosophy department~~ easy proximity to London and L.A.
She knows you wanna know about fights with Brad Pitt and humpin' with Vince Vaughn. But you know what Jennifer Aniston wants to know? Jennifer Aniston wants to know "why Steve Perry left Journey." So there.

What's the deal with Defamer and Page Six running this story that U.N. Spacy covered like forty days and forty nights ago? It's like a fine wine, this story. It needs time to age and develop a distinct character. Unfortunately, U.N. Spacy's staff are the sort of winos who lack appreciation for those finer qualities.

Lohan Reportedly Added To 'Factory Girl' Roster

2005-11-08T14:48:00.000-08:00

All apologies to anyone confused by the above headline, but I'm afraid this story has very little to do with My Size LiLo blow-up dolls.

Sienna Miller will portray fashion icon and Andy Warhol superstar Edie Sedgwick in Factory Girl. Now that she's already sporting the new do, it's about time to start casting for some of the other Warhol scenesters. Rumored to be taking on the part of the amphetamine-doling Brigid Berlin (aka Brigid Polk) is none other than Lindsay Lohan. In case you aren't already dumbstruck, this is Berlin (with Warhol):

I feel it should be mentioned that I'm not making any of this up. Also not made up is the fact that Berlin was a much sought-after role, and LiLo only narrowly beat out Mary-Kate Olsen for the part on the strength of her audition (really, wouldn't you prefer to think they were doing screen tests for FG?).

Unsure whether it's too soon to abandon a once-bubbling enthusiasm for this film, most at U.N. Spacy's offices have prepared themselves for anyone short of Justin Timberlake for the role of Ondine.

Maybe They'll Both Do "Simple Life 4".

2005-11-08T10:01:00.000-08:00

My Lady Paris has gone and done it. She's proven once and for all that she's not quite as stupid as everyone thinks. From IMDb Celebrity News (last item):

Madonna has slammed celebrity socialite Paris Hilton for using Kabbalah as a fashion accessory. The Like A Virgin singer is a dedicated follower of the mystical offshoot of Judaism, along with her film director husband Guy Ritchie and she insists it takes more to be a "believer" than simply wearing a trendy Kabbalah wristband. Madonna tells website The Scoop, "People like Paris Hilton come into a centre and buy a book or a band and that's it for them. It doesn't mean they study it. It's very hard to be a believer. I'm very serious about it."

Snap! Wait. No. This means that, even though she bought that Kabbalah paraphernalia, Paris was only doing it for a good reason. The best reason, in fact. To be cool. To fit in with the other kids. Funny thing about all this is that if Madonna would spit in bottles of water and hawk it on the internet, it'd probably outsell Kabbalah water 2 to 1. Might even actually have a physical effect.

Raise a Glass, Bitches.

2005-11-08T09:53:00.000-08:00

They did it better than I ever could over here. My little girl's all growsed up.

Welcome to the Suck.

2005-11-07T13:53:00.000-08:00

I had a couple hours to waste last night, so I went and saw Jarhead, the new Sam Mendes film. It's about a bunch of Marines during Gulf War I. As sure as God made little green apples, this movie is a piece of shit. Normally I wouldn't bother to write about something this crappy, but it just made me so angry that I have to put out some kind of public warning.

It's been discussed at length and the consensus is that most war films are, by nature, anti-war. Very rarely are they anti-soldier. This one is. Each and every character in the film, to a man, talks about only two things. Getting laid and killing Iraqis. And not in that order. This is a film about a bunch of assholes who hang out in the desert partying and waiting for their chance to take lives. One guy is so hard up to shoot something that he brags to his friends about murdering a camel.

And if I see one more film in which a character I'm meant to believe is tough, calculating and jaded sees a dead person and vomits, thus indicating the depths of his soulfulness and remorse, I will never watch a movie again. Especially if that character was, in a previous scene, extolling the virtues of executing brown people.

I don't want to believe that American troops are like this. I don't wish harm on anyone. But I hate these characters. If they exist in reality, then I hate the real people.

I learned one thing from watching Jarhead. The only thing worse than an idiot is a bloodthirsty idiot, which is what these guys are. Fuck you, Sam Mendes.

Wanna Buy a Shoppin' Cart?

2005-11-07T13:21:00.000-08:00

This is further proof that rich folks like to slum it. And no, I'm not talking about the beer, although that doesn't help. For those of you that don't know, that's not the world's luckiest hobo, that's Cisco Adler, and he's Mischa Barton's boyfriend. Gack. Actually, maybe he is the world's luckiest hobo.

Nah.

Contrails: Okay, Let's Say You Need Help Skinning A Pig And Plucking A Quail. Which Desperate Housewife Do You Call? You Can Only Choose One....

2005-11-04T14:43:00.000-08:00

Initially branding it a botched car-jacking, Cam'ron now speculates that the gunshot wounds he sustained on October 23rd might've been a part of a more sinister plot. Oh, and then he compares himself to Malcom X and Martin Luther King, Jr. But don't go taking offense, Cam draws this comparison only because, like himself, "they both were great leaders."
Eva Longoria, as quoted in Us Weekly: "I can handle a gun. I can skin a deer. I can skin a pig. I can pluck a quail. You name it, I've done it."
Rachel McAdams, again in Us, discusses a pair of birthmarks on her neck. "They do, indeed, look as though Dracula has snacked there."
Finally, for those of you who had the sound judgement to bypass that clip from Kevin Federline's rap debut, here's another opportunity to test your prudence: transcribed lyrics from Kevin Federline's rap debut. U.N. Spacy's prediction is that y'all gonna hate it. It's straight 2008. But we know that you can't wait. 'Cause we're told people are always asking when's the release date.... Okay, that was fun for a sec, but I question whether my own gleeful amusement will translate into reader pleasure.

50 Cent Dotes On Jadakiss, Says He Wouldn't "Absolutely Like To See Him Suffer"

2005-11-04T13:08:00.000-08:00

Rap star 50 Cent is quick to call out rivals, but won't hesitate to later extend a caring message of peace. This week's recipient of Mr. Cent's benevolent favors? Ruff Ryders/Lox shining star Jadakiss - who asks too many questions, by the way (ha!). Monday on MTV Radio Mr. Cent gushes about of Jadakiss,

"I don't resent him to the point where I'd absolutely like to see him suffer."

Not only that, Mr. Cent suggested that he'd be interested in working on Jadakiss's next album. Given Cent's open attacks on Jadakiss, this is a considerable development.

"There are other options and opportunities that may open up for [Jada] in the future," 50 said. "If he's smart enough to explore them, there is a possibility. I'm trying to build my company as fast as possible. There's unlimited possibilities."

Mr. Cent's been recruiting MCs for his G-Unit team like he's rolling a goddamn katamari (Mase?!?). However, in this instance Mr. Cent clarifies that this does not necessarily translate into an official G-Unit invite, even though such "G-vites" are easier to come by nowadays than gmail invitations.

"I didn't say I would sign him.... I said I didn't dislike him.... I only wrote two lines about Jadakiss [on 'Piggy Bank']."

Better not to reopen still-healing wounds, Mr. Cent. Or....

"I said, 'I'll do your little ass like Jay-Z did Mobb Deep.'"

I'm not really sure that this is the best tactic to winning Jadakiss over. But perhaps I'm not reading far enough into this lyric. Although I understand Cent's words literally, and I think I'm tuned into at least some of the finer nuances of his simile, I'm struggling to understand the understated subtext of this remark.

"That was 'put you on the Summer Jam screen.'"

Ah, I see! So, in "doing" Jadakiss's diminutive ass (that doesn't sound at all homoerotic, by the way) in a manner similar or comparable to the way Jay-Z did the Queensbridge murderer's respective asses, Mr. Cent was really doing the man a solid.

"That wasn't a disrespectful enough insult to stop Mobb Deep from doing business with me, and they made the best-performing record of their career with [50 Cent collaboration] 'Outta Control.' It went to the top 10 in all formats."

I know I've suggested it on these pages before, but now we've heard it straight from the horse's mouth. 50 Cent is hip-hop's Lindsay Lohan, folks. But will Jada quietly assume the Hilary position? LOX partner Sheek Louch suggests that he certainly will.

"50 will never put out a Kiss record! Ever!"

Neither Jadakiss nor his Ruff Ryders label offered comment on the subject, but if you want my opinion, Jada needs no help from Mr. Cent. Now you could ask, "Why?" But see, then you'd be falling right into his trap. In the interest of preventing that, I'll lay out my evidence immediately.

Compare Mr. Cent's

Go, go, go shorty
It's your birthday
We gonna party like it's your birthday
We gonna sip Bacardi like it's your birthday
And you know we don't give a fuck
It's not your birthday

with the following verses delivered by Jadakiss on a goddamn DMX track:

I hope you aint tongue-kissin your spouse
Cause I be makin' love in her mouth
Type of nigga buck at your house
Too slick? Means she be all on my tip
And before you know it, I'ma have her stuff in my crib

I'll call that case good and rested.