Sunday, March 05, 2006

U.N. Spacy Live-Blogs The Oscars

8:24 "Crash" wins Best Picture. Fuck you all.

8:23 People are just outright laughing at Jack Nicholson. Did he say "Capo-tang?" If he hasn't already, he'll be hooking up with Scarlett Johansson later.

8:21 Ang Lee makes the final allowable "Brokeback" joke. An era closes, not with a bang, but with crickets.

8:15 Both "Crash" and "Brokeback" have won a screenplay award. Usually they give one of these to the movie that doesn't get nominated for Best Picture but everyone really liked anyhow. Yet again I express my concern that "Crash" will upset the evening. Stop Paul Haggis before he kills again.

8:11 Larry McMurtry rocks the following: Cowboy boots, bow-tie, blue jeans. It's as close as we'll ever get to Sean Connery just not wearing pants at all.

8:09 Dustin Hoffman drunkenly teeters to the podium. Here's lesson 1 of "Why there shouldn't be keg beer backstage". Lesson 2? Yes, it is in fact "Meet the Fockers".

8:03 Ryan Phillipe narrowly avoids a blurb in US Weekly, when his wife namechecks him at the last possible second.

8:01 Reese wins, screencaps to be seen almost immediately on

8:00 If anybody knows just how fucking hard it is out here for a pimp, it's Dame Judi Dench.

7:57 Every time "Brokeback Mountain" doesn't win an award, "Crash" gets perilously closer to ruining my evening. Of course, here comes Jaime Foxx, name checking 3 6 Mafia.

7:48 Phillip Seymour Hoffman wins. Nobody cares. If he's down, he'll start barking any second now. Matt Dillon looks kind of shocked.

7:44 Some Guy who worked on "Crash" is actually the first guy to make a "Don't start the music yet" joke.

7:41 "Tsotsi" wins Best Foreign Language Film. I'm really doing well in the Oscar Pool.

7:30 MVP George Clooney returns. Robert Altman is curiously excluded from the "In Memoriam" montage. Where the shizzy is Don Knotts? And, um, Robert Altman?

7:28 Jennifer Garner almost makes my year. Unfortunately, she stays upright. Do you think "I do my own stunts" refers to having Ben Affleck's baby?

7:25 A song with the word "Pimp" in the title WINS AN OSCAR. Cue the 5-second delay.

7:20 Finally, after hundreds of years, one can accurately say that Truer Words were Never Spoken. The AMPAS, that bastion of class and style, takes a little time out to remind you that Pimpin', in fact, ain't easy. Say word.

7:17 Forging a career out of the worst kind of "Twilight Zone" ripoff nonsense: Priceless.

7:14 That thing on Charlize's shoulder is, I'm rapidly becoming convinced, a "How to Get Ahead in Advertising" style evil twin, ready to spring forth and devour a stunned and helpless Lily Tomlin.

7:11 As Altman shambles, pale and zombie-like, to the podium, nobody recognizes the irony inherent in playing the theme from "M*A*S*H", entitled, "Suicide is Painless".

7:08 Altman clip montage brings the evening's first LiLo cameo. I once had a dirty weekend in Lindsay Lohan. I've been waiting to mention that all evening.

7:05 Robert Altman is spinning in his grave.

7:04 One of the sound mixing winners recalls his parents shock and dismay when he annonced his intention to go into sound mixing. He's shouldered from the mic before he gets to the part about convincing his parents by telling them of the very real prospect of one day meeting the star of Idle Hands.

7:01 Jessica Alba presents sound mixing award. Her selection has less to do with her numerous and acclaimed electro-ambient recordings than for the fact that she looks like Jem's head chewing-gummed onto Skipper's body. That or her R-less pronunciation of "memoir."

6:58 Jake introduces a shameless attempt to guilt me into not watching movies on my computer, or, for that matter, my TV. He forgets that DVD revenue pays his rate. Also, this montage includes shots from the weeniefied "Walkie Talkie" version of "E.T."

6:53 Gustavo Santaolalla's acceptance speech for Best Score tempts the Academy to hand out the Best Foreign Film award during a commercial break.

6:52 Did Hoffman just drop his popcorn?

6:50 Hayek actually nails the pronunciation of "Williams."

6:44 President of the Academy: "Let the good times roll, New Orleans." Before snickers begin, he hastily introduces Salma Hayek.

6:43 Judi Dench is still steaming about that bar fight crack. Morgan Freeman chews gum. Also, Mickey Rooney is actually still alive.

6:42 Sid Ganis narrowly edges out Bacall for "Most Awkward".

6:38 Seriously, the "Issue Movies" montage has the Aaron Copeland music they use on the "Beef: It's What's for Dinner" ads. Do you think Vegans all over this land are freaking out right now? Where's their issue movie?!


6:32 ABC's new "Miracle Workers" looks suspiciously like "Gummo the Series".

6:30 reminds us that Monkeys = Comedy.

6:28 We haven't seen this much Interperetive Dance since our Sarah Lawrence genetics seminar.

6:27 "In the Deep" brought to you by Survival Research Laboratories.

6:25 J.Lo's conflict diamonds and deep fake-n-bake speak volumes more about racism than Paul Haggis ever could.

6:24 Who the crap are these dudes? Why do they get to win an Oscar for making a nice kids movie about penguins who just want to fuck?

6:22 Not to beat a dead horse, but seriously what is the story with Charlize's outfit? Is this part of the hagging campaign? Or did Reese pull a favor in exchange for Golden Globes Chanelgate?

6:21 For those of you lacking the temerity to read Defamer's live-blog (seriously, what are you doing here?), the Academy mispelled Will Ferrell's name on a marquee.

6:20 What's the deal with the bling on Terrence Howard's lapel? Forreal.

6:13 Warner clearly foots the bill on Lauren Bacall's walk to the podium. You must admit, they've done a good job of convincing the world they own the rights to every great film in history. As I type, Bacall's speech becomes increasingly awkward, and the room is veiled in a haunted hush.

6:11 Tab Energy makes us laugh. Then blush.

6:07 Michelle Williams learns that dressing as Gwyneth Paltrow will not land one a Best Supporting Actress statue.

6:04 Morgan Freeman narrates the award for Best Supporting Actress.

6:02 Stewart makes a really inside joke about the Tom Ford Vanity Fair cover. No one laughs. It's a lot like this live-blogging. Also, these nerds are totally, like, nerds. Earnesty, folks, will buy you exactly dick. And McAdams still won't get naked in VF.

6:00 I think, though without the results in front of me I can't be certain, that I've only missed one so far in the workplace Oscar Pool. Jen is going down in bright white-hot flames.

5:56 We take a commercial break to bounce over to Defamer's live-blogging of the Oscars. We are embarassed and cry in our guacamole. We do, however, consider taking on Lisanti in a blog-war over his dubious assertion that Keener's aforementioned texting was tapped on a Blackberry. We say nay.

5:52 Just how fucking brave is it to make a motion picture of a best-selling Oprah Book Club book? Or was she talking about the overwhelmingly non-Japanese casting stunt?

5:49 We're reminded that you hafta be a mom in the movie business to appreciate your children. Immediately afterwards we're again reminded of the tragic fragility of Jennifer Aniston's state of mind as she relates a numbed litany on Oscar-nominated costume design. Every word is a barely successful omission of the trouble of coping with life after Brad.

5:46 I'm both embarassed and bored. Time for chili.

5:44 Ah, Gawker Stalker was right. Luke is carrying some success chins.

5:36 This is for all you jerks that forgot that Dolly Parton is totally wicked awesome.

5:35 "Crackin' cheese" indeed. Get off the stage, already. But hey, there's Naomi Watts, perhaps the hottest woman on earth. Silence, please.

5:33 "Wallace & Gromit" wins. Evidence that God maybe doesn't hate me too much. Then again, "Crash". Also, those bow ties are rad.

5:32 The Cash estate apparently let the Academy license "Walk the Line" for orchestral purposes. It would be cool if Zombie Cash arose from the dead and ate Gil Cates' brains.

5:29 I'd sooner have nominated "Lazy Sunday" than recognize "Narnia" for a damn thing.

5:27 With some really quick Final Cut Pro work, you really could just erase Ben Stiller from this colorcast. Seriously, they pay this guy with actual money. I think Spielberg just said "Who is that?"

5:22 Finally, a fuckin' commercial.

5:21 Jake Gyllenhaal actually out-sads Paul Giamatti.

5:20 Clooney wins. Even the smartass in me doesn't have anything funny to say.

5:18 Johnny Drama probably thinks Matt Dillon's a pussy.

5:17 I wonder who's announcing Best Supporting Actor? Oh, it's...MY EYES!!!

5:16 Charlton Heston: "Who is that man? Which one of you stole my soup?"

5:11 "Crash" sucks.

5:10 Stewart should be cracking jokes about Cheney shooting that thing off Charlize Theron's shoulder. Snap!

5:09 Mystery texting bandit, aka "some woman", ID'd as Catherine Keener.


5:07 Some woman seated behind Philip Seymour Hoffman was just busted on camera texting during Stewart's opening monologue. OMG GCLOONEY IS SOOOO HOT. CALL ME WHEN U GET THIS.

5:06 Why is Jack Nicholson sitting next to Keira Knightley?

5:02 They're opening the show with some video store clerk's exceptional DMT-induced hallucination. Ratzo Rizzo just yelled at the T-800 for getting in his way at the intersection.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

That Sarah Lawrence shit is real. You don't even know.

10:14 AM  
Blogger Jack McKinney said...

We don't, but we'd really like to....

10:24 AM  
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2:51 PM  

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