Friday, February 17, 2006

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 574 - Feb. 13, 2006 (Jolie By 4)

So continues the Death Match catch-up... Two issues back Angelina Jolie dramatically outperformed Jennifer Aniston. Then in the last issue Aniston seized the top spot, appearing more than twice as often as Jolie. At the moment the Death Match seems to be little more than a two-player game, with Jessica Simpson waiting in the wings to occasionally sit in for a hand. This week Simpson's on the cover with speculation on her new (or is it...) dating life. Will that be enough to claim the crown?

(1) Angelina Jolie. 16 images.
The answer is no, Simpson's playing of field is just no match for Jolie's bump. As with the issue from two weeks back, Jolie shines brightest while Aniston shows dismally, this week appearing only twice! One wonders if Us feels their readers will feel less conflicted if they aren't confronted with both leading ladies at once.

(2) Jessica Simpson. 12 images.
Despite falling short of the Number One position, "Single And Loving It!" Simpson shows more than admirably. It's helped by the dismal state of her wardrobe, Us devoting six pics to catching her wearing the same outfit twice, which I shouldn't hafta tell you is just gauche. As for the cover story, it positions four bachelors in prime competition for favors: Josh Lucas (2 images), Jude Law (3), Adam Levine (2), and Trace Ayala (2). No, I don't know who Trace Ayala is either (actually, I do, but I assure you that it's in all our best interests to pretend not to). Us readers prefer Levine, and all indications suggest that J.Simp is very much in tune with their preference. But Hollywood media expert Michael Levine says
"Jessica Simpson is a brand. The man she chooses will have an impact on her career. Dating an A-lister would get her an enormous amount of attention. A romance between two superstars is a great fairytale. It would be huge for her career."
In other words, not Bachelors Number One through Four. U.N. Spacy has two concerns with this analysis: first, is J.Simp's career really in need of resuscitating? and second, isn't it possible that Michael Levine is no more than a cantankerous jealous kid brother? Younger siblings can get very bitter - take it from Ashlee! Meanwhile, ex-husband Nick Lachey (2) is said to be dating former Miss Kentucky Elizabeth Arnold (1).

(3) Brad Pitt. 8 images.
It's become altogether routine that when Jolie brings her A-game, she does so with Pitt in tow. There was a time last year when Pitt enjoyed the unique luxury of benefiting from either Jolie or Aniston features. Now he pretty much has to rely on Jolie. All things considered, that still hasn't treated him too bad in these pages.

(4) Sarah Jessica Parker. 7 images.
SJP can be depended on to appear once or twice almost every week. This week, however, she enlists the help of a Sex And The City DVD ad to rocket her into the winner's circle. By the same token, Kim Cattrall pulls four shots.

(5) Sienna Miller. 6 images.
Will Us readers still look up to Sienna after dating the angsty Anakin? There's a case to be made that her stock would fare better with Jake Lloyd.

Other notables include Teri Hatcher (5), Mariah Carey, Hayden Christensen, and Lindsay Lohan (4 each). Mischa Barton, Jake Gyllenhaal, Felicity Huffman, Michelle Kwan, Eva Longoria, Madonna, Nicole Richie, Liv Tyler, Kanye West, and little Zahara each appear thrice. Jessica Alba appears twice. Pitiable solo shoutouts go to Tom Cruise, Hilary Duff, Paris Hilton, Gwen Stafani, Hilary Swank, and Reese Witherspoon. Ominouse absenses can be attributed to Katie Holmes and Britney Spears.

Other highlights include Jennifer Garner (2) talking about her dog named Martha Stewart, editor Janice Min's very own Bump Alert, and a feature detailing how much money Us's favorite ladies sink into the upkeep of their physiques (Aniston: $163K; Longoria: $34K).


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