Monday, February 13, 2006

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 572 - Jan. 30, 2006 (Jolie By 2)

I haven't done one of these in so long that I've practically forgotten how. Considering the low level of difficulty involved, I assure you that's nothing to boast about. And by the way, many apologies for the pitiable state of this blog this month. I'll not make excuses, nor will I promise or even confidently suggest that it won't happen again. Anyways, I've got a backlog of four issues of the glorious Us Weekly to tally up, so let's rush on through this. I don't know about you guys, but I'm eager to get to last friday's "Hooker Scandal" cover story.

(1) Angelina Jolie. 11 images.
Jennifer Aniston can seize as many magazine covers as she wants, but the sad truth is that prime checkout aisle real estate doesn't necessarily translate into Death Match gold. I mean no offense when I say this, but this is Baby Machine Weekly we're talking about. I know, I know. It's some cold shit.

(2) Britney Spears. 9 images.
Us reports that Brit's been truckin' about without her wedding band. Even as late as I'm covering this story, it was already yesterday's papers by the time Us got their paws on it.

(3) Jessica Simpson. 8 images.
No shit, Us actually runs an "Eyes and Lips Update," charting the degree of suspicious puffiness in disparate regions of her heavily made-up face. Us plastic surgery expert Mitchell Chasin claims that Restylane appears to be Jess's filler of choice. If Chasin had his wits about him, he traded this underhanded endorsement for some swag first. And oh yeah, Jess supposedly had a sleep-over party with edgy rock star Adam Levine (of Maroon 5 fame) on January 15th at the Chateau Marmont. But I'm guessing our readers are savy enough to already know all about that.

(tie) Brad Pitt. 8 images.
Here I'll bypass some of the drama and let slip that Jen doesn't make the Death Match cut this week. Also that Maddox reads Newsweek. It's pretty cute.

(4) Sean Preston Federline. 6 images.
Now that he's behind the wheel, I figure we'll see more of this kid in the coming weeks. And yes, that was about the lamest comment I could've typed in for young S.P. impressive showing. What can I say, I'm outta my game. And seriously, what else is there to say about the kid?

(tie) Scarlett Pomers. 6 images.
For the uninitiated, when you find yourself saying "Who?", you're looking at a human interest story.

The more famous Scarlett, Scarlett Johansson, capitalized impressively on Lindsay Lohan's nasty bathroom graffiti. With a little help from that story, both stars manage five shots. Other notables include Kate Beckinsale, Beyonce Knowles, Nicole Richie, also with five shots apiece. Showing respectably is, yes, Jennifer Aniston with four pics. And yes, that does indeed mean Jen was outshined by the not-pregnant star of Underworld: Evolution. George Clooney and Brittany Murphy also pulled four apiece. Settling for two images each are Kristin Cavallari (one in fashion police), Paris Hilton, Katie Holmes, Sienna Miller, and Hilary Swank. And, I almost forget, this ish contains a catty guess-which-female-celeb-is-older feature. The full spread and appropriate commentary can be found at Media Orchard. Enjoy.


Blogger Aaron Burkhalter said...

Woot! The deathmatch it back!

But I can't criticize the delay. I'm sitting on playlists for TWO shows right now, and don't forsee any solution in the near future... hopefully I'll get them up in due time...

2:43 PM  

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