Friday, January 20, 2006

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 571 - Jan. 23, 2006 (Lohan By 4)

At this point I hope our readers have come to view tardiness as a vital ingredient of the Photo Death Match magic. This week's excuse is that it simply didn't show up in the mail. Our subscription's in good standing, and the Postal Service's army of holiday help should have all vaporized off the face of the earth by now, not to be seen until next November. In any event, I picked this one up off the shelves last night.

(1) Lindsay Lohan. 12 images.
To my great surprise, Us actually managed to get the Lohan bulimia denial into this ish, making their cover story far more current than Us readers have lately come to expect. The article traces Lohan's weightloss all the way back to an October 2004 kidney infection. Reportedly, the ensuing fray of "oh-my-gosh- you-lost-so-much-weight-I-wish-I-could-get-a-kidney-infection!" compliments during recovery tipped her into the land of Nicoles and Mischas. Now I'd like to think I had my finger to the Lohan gossip pulse back in 10/04, and I recall no such infection. Yet somehow Us makes me want to believe it, and I almost do. Oh, and as regards the more recent asthma incident, the Lohan camp is so giddy with the discovery/invention of their newest and Tefloniest excuse-all that Linds reportedly had the word "Breathe" tattooed onto her wrist. Us calls this "good advice," citing her "work-hard, play-hard ethos" - an crescendo of diplomacy so far unmatched in Us's history.

(2) Hilary Swank. 8 images.
(tie) Chad Lowe. 8 images.
I'm kinda surprised to see this particular breakup rack up so many photos. Swank is hardly a regular in these pages, but then the rag never passes on a chance to cover a "shocking goodbye."

(4) Angelina Jolie. 7 images.
"Us sorts fact from fiction." Heyheyhey, back that spit take up! They report that all indications suggest that she's not pregnant, since she's not showing. But who knows?

(tie) Jessica Simpson. 7 images.
During a late night of partying and girls, Nick Lachey found himself "sitting in the corner looking sad." Meanwhile, Jessica alternates wine, cocktails, and tearful outbursts in the ladies room. But let's not fool ourselves, these two will wind up in new relationships faster than Ashlee can ask for a manager. Jessica, Us reports, will look for a guy "similar to Nick - a sweet, nice guy."

(tie) Britney Spears. 7 images.
"If only I could live a normal life! Why can't I just blend in when I ride through my Vegas hotel in a pedi-cab?!? Hey, let's real quick duck into this magic shop and buy a PURPLE WIG to help me keep a low profile. And while I'm at it, I'll ask the staff where I can buy a gun. Then I'll put on my cute assault-rifle-joke longsleeve."

(tie) Pink. 7 images.
Another unlikely showing this week, this one's a testament to the value to a lower-tier celeb of inviting tabloid media to your wedding. Against all odds, Us uses the word "glam" in a description of the singer's wedding.

Also showing admirably were Sienna Miller and Nicole Richie, with five photos each. Jessica Alba appeared four times. Kirsten Dunst, Heath Ledger, Rachel McAdams, Denise Richards, Charlize Theron, and Naomi Watts managed three apiece. Passed out on the field are Gwen Stefani, J.Lo, Reese Witherspoon, Vince Vaughn, Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Eva Longoria, and Mischa Barton, with one apiece. And where the shizzy was Paris?!?

3 Comments:

Blogger SB said...

Dude, you are SOOOO behind. We've been forced to lay off several of our full-time UN Spacy researchers and must now hire contract coolies as a result of your unpredictable postings.

By the way, latest issue: Jessica, Jennifer, Angelina AND Britney on the cover. We have our calculators and slide rules at teh ready.

8:58 AM  
Blogger SB said...

Oh ... and where's your RSS feed?

9:00 AM  
Blogger Jack McKinney said...

Part of the problem is that the U.N. Spacy staff members all have other, actually paying full-time jobs. We'd keep them chained to their desks here, but OSHA already busted us last year for not having a sprinkler system or employee lockers.

6:50 PM  

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