Friday, January 13, 2006

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 570 - Jan. 16, 2006 (Spears By 1)

This is one of those weeks I could comfortably chalk up to corrective measures. I don't mean to spoil things for you, sports fans, but Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston don't even flirt witha lead position this week. Instead....

(1) Britney Spears. 12 images.
The cover boasts "new baby pics!" Since there are a whole three pictures of little Sean Preston (actually two; the cover shot's duplicated inside the magazine), it's safe to say that baby pics aren't what moves Baby Machine Weekly product. Oh-my-God-I-can't-believe-that-girl-was-allowed- to-breed and what-the-hell-is-she-wearing-I-think-I-just-threw- up-in-my-mouth-a-little is clearly the order of the day. A sheer top encrusted with sequins and complemented by a skirt and cowboy boots more than gets the job done. K.Fed, by the way, appears twice.

(2) Brad Pitt. 11 images.
Us throws Pitt a very backhanded silver by running a six-picture spread devoted to what they perceive as a a decline in Pitt sexiness over the past year. The words "new, schlumpy style" are used, and I don't doubt that they hurt.

(3) Angelina Jolie. 10 images.
Apparently Angelina's thinking about having a kid with Brad Pitt. Huh! However, a source close to Jolie tells Us, "She would have told me she was pregnant, and she didn't look it."

(4) Lindsay Lohan. 9 images.
As discussed in an earlier post, LiLo's diet secrets are printed here for America to learn from. Normally after a little jovial ribbing, I'd give Us a pass for dumb luck - after all, who knew that Vanity Fair story would open such a huge can of worms? But this week, no sir. Diet tips from Lindsay Lohan are a gamble any week (not to mention a reprehensibly bad idea), and Us was overdue a swat on the wrist. As for Lindsay, she fights a clean one this week - and a tough one. While the top three performers win on powerful short sprints (cramming or more pics on a single page), LiLo runs the marathon, appearing on page after page after page, and without the benefit of a solo feature.

(5) Jessica Alba. 5 images.
If Jessica Alba has actually worn pants since Christmas, it's news to me.

(tie) Mariah Carey. 5 images.
I don't even know....

Jessica Simpson, J.Lo, Jennifer Garner, Kirsten Dunst, Mandy Moore, and Tori Spelling scored four each. Jennifer Aniston, Nicole Richie, Katie Holmes, and Tom Cruise each scored three. Debra Messing, two. Of particular interest to U.N. Spacy is page 68, where Kristin Cavallari (2) and Lauren "L.C." Conrad (1) are declared "the next Paris and Nicole." We couldn't be happier for the pair!


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