Saturday, January 07, 2006

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 569 - Jan. 9, 2006 (Simpson By 2)

Late again, but some of us around here have been too busy scrounging up the scrilla to buy all those suddenly out-of-print Mego records to deal with the state of this blog. But while we were neglecting the Photo Death Matches, our ego was quietly stroked by an unwitting role in industry research. With newly swelled head, we bring you the numbers on Issue 569, which boasts “Nick's side of the story” and “the secrets Jessica's ex has been keeping.” Will it be enough to claim Nick the top spot?

(1) Jessica Simpson. 17 images.
No, it won't be enough. Nick's side of the story only gets told because it involves Death Match favorite Simpson, so painfully clear is this fact that Nick's cover story is supplemented, apropos of nothing, with a pictorial of Jessica's “tearful high school years.” Jealous girls threw eggs at her house, young suitors felt compelled to ask Superdad Joe for permission to kiss her, gay rumors circulated, and she was ridiculed for her large bust. Just in case you didn't know....

(2) Nicole Richie. 15 images.
Flattered as we are to be a part of entertainment industry statistical analysis, it's business like Nicole's showing this week that kind of dilutes the scientific potency of our data. An inset item in the “Star's Sexy Diet Secrets” article (coughHilary Duffcough) begs the question “Did Nicole go too far?” One of the two photos features Nicole posing in profile beside a rack stocked with copies of her novel. I dunno if you seen the cover of this thing, but it's really not a photo. We've been through this sort of dicey terrain before, and decided that, in light of so many photo representations well beyond any documentary quality, we would qualify digitally chopped images, airbrush portraits, and even likely hand model substitutions. It's hard for me to believe that there's much of a photo, if any at all, buried in Nicole's cover shot, but people have probably said worse about actual photos of her lately, so we're gonna count it. In no way should this be interpreted as bias on U.N. Spacy's part in favor of L.A.'s club girls. You don't see Jeremy Piven up in here, do you?


(3) Nick Lachey. 11 images.
Schooled by his ex in his own cover story, Lachey settles for third. A large part of this should be credited to the stunning lack of disclosure – much less actual Lachey quotes – in his tell-all piece. As usual, the article is held together with stock quotes from unnamed sources. Slightly elevating its status are quotes from Jamie-Lynn Sigler and Wilmer Valderrama, although the Fez quote is no more pertinent to the matter at hand than that Mego thing I threw in at the beginning of this post. So just what does the article offer? Nameless friends punch holes in Jessica's “goody- two-shoes” rep. It's reported that Lachey felt neglected as Simpson's mounting fame set the pair on separate career paths. A close source says Lachey felt ambushed by Simpson's sudden and unexpected decision to go public with their separation. Oh, and then there's the Joe Simpson factor.

(4) Carmen Electra. 7 images.
The biggest non-fantasy, non-giant ape, non gay cowboy popcorn flick of the holiday season, the Cheaper By The Dozen 2 publicity blitz lends Electra a helping hand, but really and truly, girl's here because she worked it this week. She pops up on TRL, pauses for a hugsy photo op with Us executive editor Ken Baker, rocks a red carpet or two, even sits in for a quick movie tie-in Q&A. Long story short, Electra brings that rare kind of hustle that from time to time brings a second- or third-tier celebrity into the Death Match Top 5. Hat's off.

(5) Britney Spears. 6 images.
(tie) Paris Hilton. 6 images.
(tie) Sienna Miller. 6 images.
(tie) Gwen Stefani. 6 images.
(tie) Scarlett Johansson. 6 images.
This all-blonde roster reads like the cast to a movie U.N. Spacy'd line up for on opening night. Somebody should really get working on that. Musical numbers maybe? There's gotta be a corner office for somebody in this.

Also-rans include Lindsay Lohan, Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston with five each (Brad Pitt shows only once). J.Lo, K.Fed, MKO, and abbreviation-deprived Eva Longoria show repsectably with four apiece.

1 Comments:

Blogger Pat Angello said...

Who the hell wants to see 15 pictures of Nicole Ritchie? She's a boney, ugly mutt!

10:58 AM  

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