Thursday, January 19, 2006

Contrails: The REAL Threat To Lindsay Lohan's Health Is Finally Identified

  • Brad Pitt’s petition to adopt Angelina Jolie’s two children has been accepted. Please note that there is absolutely nothing humorous about the names Maddox Chivan Jolie-Pitt and Zahara Marley Jolie-Pitt.
  • Wanna know why Paris Hilton will never do a shoot for Playboy? “Because I’m Paris Hilton.” That’s why.
  • Holy shit!!! Stavros Niarchos III uses a fake ID to get into clubs!
  • So I know you’re all worried about Lindsay Lohan and her asthma and her drinking and her graffiti and her stripping at Scores with the cocaine celeb de jour and her partying with Sean Lennon (okay that last one isn't scaring anyone). But put your minds to rest, LiLo’s mother clarifies that there’s nothing to worry about. She does concede that the star smokes a pack a day, but the real problem is pet dander. Not to toot my own horn, but that’s really what I’d suspected all along. Also, for the record, I’m pretty certain that “tequila kamikazes” is just a fancy way to say “margaritas.”
  • Abuse from Go Fug Yourself is one thing, but to find out that the dress you wore to the Golden Globes was previously seen on Kirsten Dunst is quite another! Reese Witherspoon is humiliated and enraged, and her publicist threatens a high-profile boycott of Chanel.
  • Finally, I'm feeling a little left out of the blogosphere's week-long meditation on Scarlett Johansson's mammary prowess. So, here, go watch this.


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