Wednesday, January 25, 2006

U.N. Spacy to be Generous Reader's BFF.

Yeah, so we haven't been posting for a while. Laziness, illness, lack of interest, impending nuptials, drunkenness and the Seahawks have all been major contributors. Sorry. We'll try and get it together. Know what helps? Presents! One lucky and generous reader will have the prestigious honor of having U.N. Spacy be their best friend forever if they buy us this. Men's medium, please. We'll take two if you're really feeling rich. XOXO.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 571 - Jan. 23, 2006 (Lohan By 4)

At this point I hope our readers have come to view tardiness as a vital ingredient of the Photo Death Match magic. This week's excuse is that it simply didn't show up in the mail. Our subscription's in good standing, and the Postal Service's army of holiday help should have all vaporized off the face of the earth by now, not to be seen until next November. In any event, I picked this one up off the shelves last night.

(1) Lindsay Lohan. 12 images.
To my great surprise, Us actually managed to get the Lohan bulimia denial into this ish, making their cover story far more current than Us readers have lately come to expect. The article traces Lohan's weightloss all the way back to an October 2004 kidney infection. Reportedly, the ensuing fray of "oh-my-gosh- you-lost-so-much-weight-I-wish-I-could-get-a-kidney-infection!" compliments during recovery tipped her into the land of Nicoles and Mischas. Now I'd like to think I had my finger to the Lohan gossip pulse back in 10/04, and I recall no such infection. Yet somehow Us makes me want to believe it, and I almost do. Oh, and as regards the more recent asthma incident, the Lohan camp is so giddy with the discovery/invention of their newest and Tefloniest excuse-all that Linds reportedly had the word "Breathe" tattooed onto her wrist. Us calls this "good advice," citing her "work-hard, play-hard ethos" - an crescendo of diplomacy so far unmatched in Us's history.

(2) Hilary Swank. 8 images.
(tie) Chad Lowe. 8 images.
I'm kinda surprised to see this particular breakup rack up so many photos. Swank is hardly a regular in these pages, but then the rag never passes on a chance to cover a "shocking goodbye."

(4) Angelina Jolie. 7 images.
"Us sorts fact from fiction." Heyheyhey, back that spit take up! They report that all indications suggest that she's not pregnant, since she's not showing. But who knows?

(tie) Jessica Simpson. 7 images.
During a late night of partying and girls, Nick Lachey found himself "sitting in the corner looking sad." Meanwhile, Jessica alternates wine, cocktails, and tearful outbursts in the ladies room. But let's not fool ourselves, these two will wind up in new relationships faster than Ashlee can ask for a manager. Jessica, Us reports, will look for a guy "similar to Nick - a sweet, nice guy."

(tie) Britney Spears. 7 images.
"If only I could live a normal life! Why can't I just blend in when I ride through my Vegas hotel in a pedi-cab?!? Hey, let's real quick duck into this magic shop and buy a PURPLE WIG to help me keep a low profile. And while I'm at it, I'll ask the staff where I can buy a gun. Then I'll put on my cute assault-rifle-joke longsleeve."

(tie) Pink. 7 images.
Another unlikely showing this week, this one's a testament to the value to a lower-tier celeb of inviting tabloid media to your wedding. Against all odds, Us uses the word "glam" in a description of the singer's wedding.

Also showing admirably were Sienna Miller and Nicole Richie, with five photos each. Jessica Alba appeared four times. Kirsten Dunst, Heath Ledger, Rachel McAdams, Denise Richards, Charlize Theron, and Naomi Watts managed three apiece. Passed out on the field are Gwen Stefani, J.Lo, Reese Witherspoon, Vince Vaughn, Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Eva Longoria, and Mischa Barton, with one apiece. And where the shizzy was Paris?!?

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Cam'ron Releases Jay-Z Diss Track

Cam’ron’s latest mixtape venture, "You Got It," throws down the gauntlet. After years of denied antipathy, the Diplomats leader airs grievances and spits insults at Jay-Z for nearly eight minutes. Unwilling to tolerate another moment of silent rage, Cam gives Jay a, um, history lesson:
"You got anthrax over there, man, and [the Diplomats are] George Bush man. You ain't gonna Saddam Hussein it."
He lists five reasons for hatin’ on Jigga, but claims he has no less than a hundred and fifty. What follows are the cited points of contention:

(1) Cam claims Jay-Z stole Roc-A-Fella Records from Damon Dash.
(2) Cam claims Jay-Z stole Kanye West from Damon Dash.
(3) Cam claims Jay-Z stole Roc-A-Wear from Damon Dash. (I previously mistook this for an emphatic repeat of Point 1.)
(4) Cam suspects Jay-Z had a role in gunshot wounds Cam sustained in October 2005.
(5) [Beat stops to emphasize the gravity of this particular offense] Jay-Z wears sandals with jeans.

And actually, Killa Cam keeps going after those five, but without convenient numerical index. Despite some rickety barbs (Cam actually likens Jigga to Fraggle Rock) in the first of a promised fifteen rounds, this inaugurates what will probably become 2006’s most talked-about and exciting MC battle. The question is, will Cam’ron take it to the next level? By which I mean, will he announce his intent to leave the recording industry in an attempt to oust J. Hova from the King Of Retired Rap throne? Further scrutiny of Cam's rebukes can be found at Pitchfork Media, and you can download the song itself from The Fader.

Contrails: The REAL Threat To Lindsay Lohan's Health Is Finally Identified

  • Brad Pitt’s petition to adopt Angelina Jolie’s two children has been accepted. Please note that there is absolutely nothing humorous about the names Maddox Chivan Jolie-Pitt and Zahara Marley Jolie-Pitt.
  • Wanna know why Paris Hilton will never do a shoot for Playboy? “Because I’m Paris Hilton.” That’s why.
  • Holy shit!!! Stavros Niarchos III uses a fake ID to get into clubs!
  • So I know you’re all worried about Lindsay Lohan and her asthma and her drinking and her graffiti and her stripping at Scores with the cocaine celeb de jour and her partying with Sean Lennon (okay that last one isn't scaring anyone). But put your minds to rest, LiLo’s mother clarifies that there’s nothing to worry about. She does concede that the star smokes a pack a day, but the real problem is pet dander. Not to toot my own horn, but that’s really what I’d suspected all along. Also, for the record, I’m pretty certain that “tequila kamikazes” is just a fancy way to say “margaritas.”
  • Abuse from Go Fug Yourself is one thing, but to find out that the dress you wore to the Golden Globes was previously seen on Kirsten Dunst is quite another! Reese Witherspoon is humiliated and enraged, and her publicist threatens a high-profile boycott of Chanel.
  • Finally, I'm feeling a little left out of the blogosphere's week-long meditation on Scarlett Johansson's mammary prowess. So, here, go watch this.

WENN/IMDb News Suspects Cruz-MCconaughey Split

WENN/IMDb News reports:
Hollywood couple Penelope Cruz and Matthew McConaughey have sparked speculation they have split, after attending the Golden Globe Awards separately[...] Despite both actors presenting awards at Monday's ceremony, Cruz posed alone on the red carpet and the couple weren't seen together for the remainder of the night.
Somebody please correct me if I'm wrong, but I only watched half an hour of the Globes, and I saw Cruz and McConaughey sitting together at least once. Course all those Sexiest Men Alive look alike, so it's entirely possible that I mistook some other dude for McConaughey....

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

LeBron James, Olsen Twins, Hilary Duff Highest-Paid Celebs Under 25

Forbes Magazine has compiled a list of the highest-paid celebrities of 2005 under 25 years of age. Cleveland Cavalier LeBron James tops the list with $22.5 million. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen took in a combined $21 million. Maria Sharapova ($18 million) follows, then it's right on to Hilary "I Am Not A Brand" Duff ($15 million). Serena Williams ($12.7 million), and Lindsay Lohan ($11 million). Other notables include Paris Hilton ($6.5 million), Adriana Lima ($4.5 million), Ashlee Simpson ($5.3 million), and Frankie Muniz ($8 million). If Duff's income supremacy over Lohan didn't spray your lunch across your monitor already, try Googling "Gross National Product."

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Britney Spears The Latest Victim Of The No-Ring Fad Sweeping L.A.

The above pictures supposedly depict Britney Spears out and about without the benefit of a wedding ring. To be honest, I can't speak with certainty on the absense of ring, given the clarity and definition of these photos. To be completely candid, I can't even remember which hand a wedding band goes on, and can't be bothered to get up and investigate.

Anyway, even if she's not wearing her wedding ring, it can't possibly mean anything.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 570 - Jan. 16, 2006 (Spears By 1)

This is one of those weeks I could comfortably chalk up to corrective measures. I don't mean to spoil things for you, sports fans, but Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston don't even flirt witha lead position this week. Instead....

(1) Britney Spears. 12 images.
The cover boasts "new baby pics!" Since there are a whole three pictures of little Sean Preston (actually two; the cover shot's duplicated inside the magazine), it's safe to say that baby pics aren't what moves Baby Machine Weekly product. Oh-my-God-I-can't-believe-that-girl-was-allowed- to-breed and what-the-hell-is-she-wearing-I-think-I-just-threw- up-in-my-mouth-a-little is clearly the order of the day. A sheer top encrusted with sequins and complemented by a skirt and cowboy boots more than gets the job done. K.Fed, by the way, appears twice.

(2) Brad Pitt. 11 images.
Us throws Pitt a very backhanded silver by running a six-picture spread devoted to what they perceive as a a decline in Pitt sexiness over the past year. The words "new, schlumpy style" are used, and I don't doubt that they hurt.

(3) Angelina Jolie. 10 images.
Apparently Angelina's thinking about having a kid with Brad Pitt. Huh! However, a source close to Jolie tells Us, "She would have told me she was pregnant, and she didn't look it."

(4) Lindsay Lohan. 9 images.
As discussed in an earlier post, LiLo's diet secrets are printed here for America to learn from. Normally after a little jovial ribbing, I'd give Us a pass for dumb luck - after all, who knew that Vanity Fair story would open such a huge can of worms? But this week, no sir. Diet tips from Lindsay Lohan are a gamble any week (not to mention a reprehensibly bad idea), and Us was overdue a swat on the wrist. As for Lindsay, she fights a clean one this week - and a tough one. While the top three performers win on powerful short sprints (cramming or more pics on a single page), LiLo runs the marathon, appearing on page after page after page, and without the benefit of a solo feature.

(5) Jessica Alba. 5 images.
If Jessica Alba has actually worn pants since Christmas, it's news to me.

(tie) Mariah Carey. 5 images.
I don't even know....

Jessica Simpson, J.Lo, Jennifer Garner, Kirsten Dunst, Mandy Moore, and Tori Spelling scored four each. Jennifer Aniston, Nicole Richie, Katie Holmes, and Tom Cruise each scored three. Debra Messing, two. Of particular interest to U.N. Spacy is page 68, where Kristin Cavallari (2) and Lauren "L.C." Conrad (1) are declared "the next Paris and Nicole." We couldn't be happier for the pair!

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Lindsay Lohan Offers Scarlett Johansson The Star-Making Breakout Role Of A Lifetime!

Tuesday night Lindsay Lohan and Kate Moss made the scene at New York’s Dark Room. Reportedly, LiLo made a rather public spectacle of a little ladies room vandalizing action. Left for future Dark Room patrons is the following missive, scrawled in Sharpie:
Scarlett is a bloody cunt
L
Peace and love
[illegible]
fucker.

All Hail The Regis!

The above photo (from People Magazine) catches with-child Angelina Jolie in a January 10 appearance just outside Reflex Point. And while that's neat and all, I think I can say with objectivity and fairness that it pales in comparison to the exclusive sonogram shot U.N. Spacy laid its hands on, pictured below.

...y'all can go ahead and consider this nickname launched.

Hilary Duff Quote Of The Day

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Hollywood's Most Ambitious Eugenics Project Ever Shows Early Signs Of Success

Brad Pitt’s publicist has finally confirmed the long-suspected Brangelina fetus. Angelina Jolie is indeed pregnant, and Brad Pitt is indeed the father. In addition to Jolie’s inevitable reign as 2006’s Photo Death Match queen, U.N. Spacy eagerly awaits the arrival of their cooing Patient Zero. Truly we are on the horizon of a brave new world.

Lindsay Lohan Denies Admitting To Battle With Bulimia

A good seven days after the story broke that Lindsay Lohan had admitted to Vanity Fair both a familiarity with illegal substances and a bout with bulimia, LiLo tells Teen People,
“The words that I gave to the writer for Vanity Fair were misused and misconstrued, and I'm appalled with the way it was done.”
A Teen People editor clarifies that Lohan's denial pertains to the bulimia claim. Lindsay has not denied drug use.

Vanity Fair spokesperson Sara Switzer stands by the magazine's story. "Every word... is on tape," she says.

This denial is no more surprising than the original disclosure, but what's the deal with the timing? It's anybody's guess really, but it's worth mentioning that it's arrived just in time to render Us Weekly’s celebrity coverage comically dated for about the twelfth consecutive issue. (Note that last week’s issue turned to Linds for dieting tips.)

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 569 - Jan. 9, 2006 (Simpson By 2)

Late again, but some of us around here have been too busy scrounging up the scrilla to buy all those suddenly out-of-print Mego records to deal with the state of this blog. But while we were neglecting the Photo Death Matches, our ego was quietly stroked by an unwitting role in industry research. With newly swelled head, we bring you the numbers on Issue 569, which boasts “Nick's side of the story” and “the secrets Jessica's ex has been keeping.” Will it be enough to claim Nick the top spot?

(1) Jessica Simpson. 17 images.
No, it won't be enough. Nick's side of the story only gets told because it involves Death Match favorite Simpson, so painfully clear is this fact that Nick's cover story is supplemented, apropos of nothing, with a pictorial of Jessica's “tearful high school years.” Jealous girls threw eggs at her house, young suitors felt compelled to ask Superdad Joe for permission to kiss her, gay rumors circulated, and she was ridiculed for her large bust. Just in case you didn't know....

(2) Nicole Richie. 15 images.
Flattered as we are to be a part of entertainment industry statistical analysis, it's business like Nicole's showing this week that kind of dilutes the scientific potency of our data. An inset item in the “Star's Sexy Diet Secrets” article (coughHilary Duffcough) begs the question “Did Nicole go too far?” One of the two photos features Nicole posing in profile beside a rack stocked with copies of her novel. I dunno if you seen the cover of this thing, but it's really not a photo. We've been through this sort of dicey terrain before, and decided that, in light of so many photo representations well beyond any documentary quality, we would qualify digitally chopped images, airbrush portraits, and even likely hand model substitutions. It's hard for me to believe that there's much of a photo, if any at all, buried in Nicole's cover shot, but people have probably said worse about actual photos of her lately, so we're gonna count it. In no way should this be interpreted as bias on U.N. Spacy's part in favor of L.A.'s club girls. You don't see Jeremy Piven up in here, do you?


(3) Nick Lachey. 11 images.
Schooled by his ex in his own cover story, Lachey settles for third. A large part of this should be credited to the stunning lack of disclosure – much less actual Lachey quotes – in his tell-all piece. As usual, the article is held together with stock quotes from unnamed sources. Slightly elevating its status are quotes from Jamie-Lynn Sigler and Wilmer Valderrama, although the Fez quote is no more pertinent to the matter at hand than that Mego thing I threw in at the beginning of this post. So just what does the article offer? Nameless friends punch holes in Jessica's “goody- two-shoes” rep. It's reported that Lachey felt neglected as Simpson's mounting fame set the pair on separate career paths. A close source says Lachey felt ambushed by Simpson's sudden and unexpected decision to go public with their separation. Oh, and then there's the Joe Simpson factor.

(4) Carmen Electra. 7 images.
The biggest non-fantasy, non-giant ape, non gay cowboy popcorn flick of the holiday season, the Cheaper By The Dozen 2 publicity blitz lends Electra a helping hand, but really and truly, girl's here because she worked it this week. She pops up on TRL, pauses for a hugsy photo op with Us executive editor Ken Baker, rocks a red carpet or two, even sits in for a quick movie tie-in Q&A. Long story short, Electra brings that rare kind of hustle that from time to time brings a second- or third-tier celebrity into the Death Match Top 5. Hat's off.

(5) Britney Spears. 6 images.
(tie) Paris Hilton. 6 images.
(tie) Sienna Miller. 6 images.
(tie) Gwen Stefani. 6 images.
(tie) Scarlett Johansson. 6 images.
This all-blonde roster reads like the cast to a movie U.N. Spacy'd line up for on opening night. Somebody should really get working on that. Musical numbers maybe? There's gotta be a corner office for somebody in this.

Also-rans include Lindsay Lohan, Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston with five each (Brad Pitt shows only once). J.Lo, K.Fed, MKO, and abbreviation-deprived Eva Longoria show repsectably with four apiece.

Armond White names 'Munich,' 'War of the Worlds' Best Films Of 2005

The New York Press recently published Armond White's list of his ten favorite films of 2005. It's been a while since we've posted on White's film criticism, so if you haven't read our thoughts on him previously, just know that we frequently thrill to his entirely expected contrarian judgments and the nearly inexplicable justifications that follow. Here's the list.

(1) Munich
(2) War of the Worlds
(3) 2046
(4) Kung Fu Hustle
(5) My Mother's Smile
(6) Good Morning Night
(7) Nine Lives
(8) Garcon Stupide
(9) In My Country
(10) Best of Youth

There's really nothing about this list to rant about (save the omission of "Sam Fuller film from beyond" Unleashed). So he still loves Spielberg! People do! Some people here do! The thing that's so much fun is not the list itself, but the reasons he gives for choosing them, particularly the Spielberg pair at the top. Says White,
"Munich’s moral scrutiny of recent history and War’s Expressionist vision of contemporary fear would each have been the best film of any year. Together, they are an astonishing demonstration of cinematic range—the seriousness of high art, the common touch of folk-pop plus the undeniability of global relevance."
Whether or not I agree that either could qualify as a year's best film, I can't really argue with his thinking here. The thing is, this lucid assessment is preceded by this:
"Spielberg’s jackpot year recalls Jean-Luc Godard’s 1968 U.S. release of both La Chinoise and Weekend. It’s a handy comparison since Spielberg also paralleled a political drama with an apocalyptic fantasy. The last time an American director had two films of comparable magnitude in the same year was 1944—Preston Sturges’ The Miracle of Morgan’s Creek and Hail the Conquering Hero. This makes a handy comparison because Spielberg, who works in the same popular Hollywood idiom as Sturges, also exemplifies its highest expression."
Whether we're willing to accept his linking War of the Worlds to Weekend for their mutual taste for "apocalyptic fantasy," Munich quite simply has nothing to do with La Chinoise, and bringing the matter up implies that White sees a comparison. The idea that a major, respected film critic in the biggest market in the world can basically say, "It's like Godard's '68 one-two punch" for little more reason than the fact that the Beard released two movies this year, one (ohmigod!) involving chaos and destruction, is pretty much bullshit. For one thing, we've barely had time to forget that 2002 brought us Minority Report and Catch Me if You Can. And don't even get me started on that Sturges comparison!

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Tree Falls in Forest; Makes No Sound.

Over here, and here, and here and here you can find reports detailing a new interview Lindsay Lohan gave to Vanity Fair, in which she discusses "trying" drugs and her recent bout of bulimia. What's most amazing to us is that this is covered at all. After what, two years of rumors and suspicious behavior? Massive weight loss? Every celeblog making "eat something jokes"? Was there honestly anyone left who wasn't sure she was either doing too much coke and skinny pills, had an eating disorder or both?

If anyone out there knows such a person, can you maybe send them a link to U.N. Spacy? We're really just happy to be seen, and would love to be able to break some news to at least one happy reader.

Furthermore, according to the fine folks at I Don't Like You In That Way (the only people to still have the pictures, as far as we can find), she might also be pregnant.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Duff-Lohan Feud Rekindling?

I dunno how much stock we should really put into an update on the IMDb page of a film in pre-production, but here's the word on hilarynet.org:
We posted a little while ago that Imdb reported that Hilary Duff would be in a new movie called "The New Girl". Now, she has been removed from the cast list of that movie and her name has been replaced with Lindsay Lohan. I don't know what happened, but we will be back with more information as soon as we find out anything.
Oh snap? Only time will tell. Meantime, here's the scuttlebutt on IMDb's message boards:
Just figures that HIlary would drop a movie that has any sort of substance to it. I think its impossible for her to accept roles in movies that arent G or PG.
-Tracy3686

but shes goin to be swearing ALOT in "Outward Blond"
-Deano91

OMG? Then Dropped Hilary Duff For Lindsay Lohan!!? Hilary wanted this part so bad, and they gave it to lindsay!! What a load of crap. Now the fued between them is going to get even worse
-nihongotokyo


This CANNOT be true. Lindsay Lohan is not going to do this movie. She's already moved on to adult roles. She has Just My Luck, A Prairie Home Companion, Bobby and Chapter 27 all coming out in the next year or so and they are all adult roles. Why would she go back to a teeny bopper role after all of these roles in adult movies?? Wouldn't make much sense to me.
-Tony15123

They were smart to do so cause Hilary sucks at acting!
-Pranksalot

This movie is not real. The fact that someone switched Linday and Hilary was to prolong the feud between Lindsay and Hilary fans.
-silent alarm activated

Lindsay Rocks Hilary Sucks!
-rymatt

Actually the fued between lohan and duff is over now! I think both actresses are great. Until the movie comes out we will never really know if lohan is good at this part.
-ListenToYourHeart

I am working on this movie and I can clarify a couple things:
A) Lindsay Lohan has nothing to do with it.
B) Hilary may or may not; will know soon.
C) Spielberg has nothing to do with it.
It is an awesome screenplay. Whoever stars -- perhaps an unknown (the writer/director discovered Alicia Silverstone) -- it's going to be a really interesting, scary flick.

-19460Stratford

Lindsay confirmed she was on board for this film over her blog.
-rocky115

IMDB will hopefully correct this shortly. It's a prankster, probably this Shaun Landers whose name is popping up everywhere. And Steven Spielberg is not involved. Mark Rosman who has directed Hillary Duff is one of the producers, that's how she became aware of the project.
-gmwaltersesq
The New Girl, by the way, looks to be a "deal with the devil"-type thriller written and directed by Alan Shapiro (The Crush).

Due To Grievous Misunderstanding, U.N. Spacy Failed To Recognize The Now HERCULEAN Failure Achieved By 'Jarhead'

WENN/IMDb News reports:
Oscar-winning film director Sam Mendes claims American viewers don't understand his new movie Jarhead as well as Europeans - because they expect war films to be one-sided. The movie based on the novel Jarhead: A Marine's Chronicle of the Gulf War and Other Battles by Anthony Swofford, and focuses on the frivolousness of war, rather than the glory - something Mendes feels Americans don't grasp. Mendes says, "I feel they've understood in Europe. In America, it's like talking about a different movie. "Fundamentally, Jarhead disobeys all the laws of American movies, and not just the political laws of American movies right now which demand on some level to tell us which side they're on. "In Europe, there's a sense this film comes from the tradition of absurdist war movies about the futility of conflict. "It has more in common with Beckett, Sartre and Banuel [ed. note - um, sic] than it does with Oliver Stone. "In America, they assumed I was trying to make an Oliver Stone movie and that I'd failed."
First, tsk-tsk to WENN/IMDb for quotation-marking drunk again.

But getting to my point, back in November this site lambasted Jarhead for being calculated, one-dimensional, and a particularly poor example of the type of war films often associated with, among others, Oliver Stone. It's not in my nature to be smug, but Armond White says that's how I roll, so here goes. U.N. Spacy doesn't actually believe that we misunderstood anything about the film, but admittedly, we are an American-based blog (it's where the SDF-1's parked, anyway). Now that Mendes has drawn the line in the sand, our lack of continental noblesse forces us to concede underestimation of his opus. We now understand that it's actually a farcically atrocious flubbing of an attempt to vaunt Mendes into the arena of Beckett, Sartre, and this mysterious Banuel character. Not merely mean-spirited, badly written, and misdirected, it turns out that Jarhead is in fact an arrogant, bloated grab at high-intellect elitism that falls so dismally short of its reach that no one has been able to see it for anything other than deafeningly cautionary Academy-bait (or -bate, depending on your level of condescension) on how soldiers have a hard-on for killing Iraqis.

But I'm not done just yet. See, way back in the last goddamned century I repeatedly accused Sam Mendes of making a schlocky, obvious date movie designed for audiences to exit the cineplexes reminded of their own perceptive recognition of the many ways other people live their lives so woefully wrong. Legions of self-proclaimed serious moviegoers attributed to Mendes a peeling back of the smog of suburban denial obscuring the unrecognized plight of fin de siecle America, and an eye for storytelling that recalled Kurosawa's better work. Many listened to my lengthy, spittle-harvesting rants to the contrary but, with few exceptions, none of you little bitches actually took me seriously. Today I gloatingly confront you with, "Fundamentally, Jarhead disobeys all the laws of American movies." J.V. cinefiles, this odious monster is the fruit of your consensus-blinded loins. I am a wrathful blogger, and I will not save you.