Thursday, December 22, 2005

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 567 - Dec. 26, 2005 (Hilton-Jolie-Richie-Simpson Tie)

From page one on, shit is crazy. Too many goddamn people. You’ll see what I mean. A week of many victories, but no clear winners, it’s all very touchy-feely, and more than a little flacid. So if it sounds like I’m phoning this one in, know that it’s because I’m phoning it in.

(1) Paris Hilton. 7 images.
(tie) Angelina Jolie. 7 images.
(tie) Nicole Richie. 7 images.
(tie) Jessica Simpson. 7 images.
Lackadaisical performances abound this week. (Seven is enough for a win? C’mon!) The headache-inducing clusterfuck at Number One, quite frankly, irritates me on a very personal level (look at my headline, it’s a mess!). However, it is well known that U.N. Spacy unfairly favors Hilton and Richie week after week, so it's with elated smiles that we greet our golden girls (a description appropriate on several levels) at the most crowded podium in U.N. Spacy’s history.

(2) DJ AM. 6 images.
Very possibly DJ AM’s Us Weekly swan song, I’m not sure how much leverage the couple can get out of their terminated engagement if things stay as civil as they’ve been up to the present. We'll miss Adam. Seriously.

(tie) Denise Richards. 6 images.
Given the retrospective tone of this month’s issues, it’s only natural that Baby Machine Weekly's homecoming queen get an assist. Us runs a three-photo article on Denise’s “hot beach body,” as if we'd forgotten their unceasing coverage of her improbable post-pregnancy weight loss during the autumn months.

(tie) Lindsay Lohan. 6 images.
Even Us knows that a Nicole-Paris gold simply wouldn't be so sweet without Linds up there to enjoy it with them.

(tie) Naomi Watts. 6 images.
Anyone with their wits about them could've predicted this one. But would you have guessed there'd be an article on her "heartbreaking childhood" and "long career turmoil"? Yeah, probably so.

(tie) Jennifer Aniston. 6 images.
Would it be wildly inappropriate if I just typed a long serious of "z"s here? Probably so.

(tie) Howard Stern. 6 images.
(tie) Beth Ostrosky. 6 images.
Seriously, this bumrush-the-podium business is so out of control that even Micronians are sneaking in.

Also-rans include Brad Pitt (5), Heath Ledger (4), Kevin Federline (4), and Britney Spears (4). Britney, by the by, pulled down three of her four for in the "2005 Us Oops Awards," which honors celebs who distinguish themselves during the calendar year by choking on chewing gum, falling, jumping on couches, losing control of one's own nipples, or exhibiting appetite-decimating facial lesions. Britney is granted a Lifetime Achievement Award this year, with sweet reminders of her food-stained clothing, her ill-advised bare feet, and her public Federnad handling.

I'd offer predictions on next week's issue but, um, I already have it, and I already know who won. I'm not going to tell you, either.


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