Friday, December 09, 2005

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 565 - Dec. 12, 2005 (Simpson-Lachey Tie)

Where has U.N. Spacy been this week? For the sake of simplicity, let's just say that the staff has been on a arduous week-long drinking binge, the stain of Johnnie Walker still discernable on our collective breath. Or if that doesn't suit you, I could say that we've been attending an out-of-town symposium concerning modes of address unique to the cinema of Belgian filmmaker Chantal Akerman. And if you still aren't satisfied, I could try and convince you that a cup of coffee mockingly rendered the office's lone keyboard inoperable. Believe what you want, but we'll not answer to anything less outlandish.

So what the fuck is going on in Us Weekly??? Well, I'll tell ya, I'm only just now piecing that together myself. The Simpson breakup issue never appeared in our mailbox, which caused me more anguish than you'll ever know. Usually when this happens, blame can rightly be laid on the United States Postal Service (I've made a number of complaints, and each time I'm fed the wildly unlikely claim that "Super Dimensional Fortress 1" is a confusing street address). However, this time it's our fault. We, uh, let our subscription lapse and, uh, only realized the mistake yesterday. Fortunately, Borders Books is slow on stocking the latest issues, and we were able to scrape together enough change to buy this landmark ish off the newstand. I don't have the cover shot but, again, this is the Simpson breakup issue. Imagine bountiful cleavage, ominous bleached teeth, and a photoshopped "rip" effect and you've pretty much got the idea.

(1) Jessica Simpson. 31 images!!!
(tie) Nick Lachey. 31 images!!!
This week's issue finds Us Weekly not only at its most vitally relevent, but truly at the top of its game. Page 63 begins the Simpson-Lachey breakup story with the following: "For most families, Thanksgiving is a time to come together...." Before the first paragraph has expired, Us is already parading J.Simp's grandpa in front of us, who assures America that, even in such woefully discouraging times, "the Lord will take care of everything." Oh and there's a four-page pictorial entitled "The Way They Were." The article closes with the following assessment: "I think we all saw it coming when they put their faces on MTV. To put their commitment to each other in front of the world is just asking for trouble." Those words spoken, by the way, by one-time MTV producer Chris Hart.

(3) Russell Crowe. 7 images.
(4) Nicole Richie. 6 images.
(tie) Angelina Jolie. 6 images.
(tie) Mischa Barton. 6 images.
Like you care.... What with Jess and Nick hoarding over sixty images between them, there isn't a lot of page left to go around. Russell Crowe cashes in for the second time on a Cinderalla Man advertisement. It's enough to make him this week's runner-up, but not nearly enough to add up to even a quarter of J.Simp or Nick Lachey's numbers. That Angelina and fam rate a fair chunk of the remaining space should surprise no one. Weight troubles secure Nicole's spot, while Mischa makes the grade only by bringing her trembling face perilously close to something truly gross.

If anyone else in this week's games can be said to have had a worthy showing, it's SpactCamp alum Tate Donovan (5 - wtf?) and that aforementioned something truly gross, Cisco Adler (5). Lindsay Lohan showed four times, Kristin Cavallari thrice. Jennifer Aniston showed only twice, while where the holy fuck is Paris Hilton??? And I think that brings us more or less up to speed.

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