Thursday, December 29, 2005

Contrails: Hil To The Dizzle, Micronian Quizzle

What with C2's press blitz, there's a whole lotta Hilary Duff up in the internets, keeping the good folks at the indispensible mighty busy these days! But I guess they do come Cheaper By The Do... ah, skip it. Anyways, if you're looking for Duff quotes, be they thoughtful, motivational, or just plain spunky, this is definitely the time to go trolling for them. Meanwhile, here are three Duff-related items in the news that U.N. Spacy found of particular interest.
  • Lycos revealed the 100 most frequent searches attempted using their search engine in 2005. Topping the list is U.N. Spacy favorite Paris Hilton. Coming in at Number 20 is Hilary Duff (up from last year's Number 21), ahead even of Jessica Simpson. This forces me again to implore you, dear readers, to tell me just who out there cares about Hilary Duff? And yes, I do see the irony in asking this question on this blog, and it hasn't brought me any closer to solving this mystery. Oh, and by the way, last year's Number 1, Janet Jackson, slipped to Number 55 in 2005.
  • Teen mag Sugar polled teenage girls on who they considered the most inspirational celeb. Sienna Miller predictably topped the list. After all, what more could a young woman aspire to than to survive infidelity? Reigning Micronian Queen Hilary Duff lands the Number 5 spot on the list, just ahead of, ahem, Charlotte Church.
  • But enough of this shameless clownin' on Hil. I mean, if you cut a Duff, does she not bleed? Seriously, does she not? I'm askin'. Anyways, what I'm getting at is that for once we should try to do nice for Hil. After all, "negativity is a mindset," and Hil tries to keep things on a positive tip. And I've got just the thing! You know what'd really be helpful? What'd really help Hil feel seriously appreciated for her strengths and talents? I'll tell you what: a Star magazine poll on whether Hil looked prettier in 2002 or 2005, that's what! "Do you prefer Hilary's face rounder or thinner?" Let your opinion count!

MTV News Spit-Take Headline Of The Month: "Fred Durst: The Next Martin Scorsese?"

Headlines like that don't grow on trees, kids. What's the story about? In the face of such a headline, who really cares? But I'll tell you anyway. Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst tells MTV that he's expanded his cinematic oeuvre beyond the "touch-my-balls- touch-my-ass" genre.
"It's a 30-minute short film, and Wes [Borland] and I both act in it. I play an evangelist named Evan Gelis."
Subtle, no? He's got two feature-length films on tap for the future, as well, and not just cineplex fluff.
"I want to make timeless movies. I want to be beside Martin Scorsese and Wes Anderson and Paul Thomas Anderson and Francis Ford Coppola. I'm a real director."
I know, I know. Dude sounds like a celebrity impersonator in an Eminem video, but don't sell him short just yet.
"I've been blessed to have been mentored by some really great people like David Fincher and just really have absorbed it."
I know that hurt you, but I had to do it. Don't worry, he continues....
"I think I'm a storyteller, and I'm gonna apply it."
Feel free to use that in the glib "Nookie" joke of your choice.

Durst also discusses his acting gigs on NBC's Revelations miniseries, and an upcoming role in Population 436, an independent feature with the wildly promising premise of a
census-taker sent to investigate why a small town has had the same population of 436 residents for the last 100 years.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 568 - Jan. 2, 2006 (Aniston By 4)

Depending on your perspective, this is the second-to-last Us of '05 or the first of '06. Either way, the issue focuses its attention on a retrospective review of the year in celebrity, from a timeline of hook-ups and break-ups to an Oscar preview to four pages of the most odious fashion offenses. This not only makes for a must-read issue, but a high stakes Death Match tournament for the title of most unavoidable face in tabloid journalism in 2005. Appropriately, the top five performers have all been big players throughout the year.

(1) Jennifer Aniston. 16 images.
A figure of Christ-like proportion this year, Jennifer Aniston suffered the slow, media-scrutinized dissolution of her marriage and, immediately afterward, nonstop coverage of husband Brad Pitt's buddy-up with other woman Angelina Jolie. At times Pitt and Jolie's kid-crazy antics threatened to eclipse Jen entirely, but that ultimately worked to her favor. The poll hasn't been invented that'll conclude that Brad and Jen didn't separate over their lack of children. Every happiness enjoyed by Pitt and Jolie was a tearful reminder of the quivering sadness collectively believed of the sad little girl we once watched fall in love with a dopey paleontologist. Jen stumbled for weeks at a time, but every slump was followed by an unstoppable and rapid climb to Number One, in turn followed by a good month of momentum-fueled carnage. At the end of the day, no one's personal life mattered more to America than Jennifer Aniston's. This week Jen says "Never Forget," mercilessly clawing her way past covergirl Jessica Simpson to the top of yet another Death Match pigpile, and resting her case for the 2005 Death Match crown.

(2) Jessica Simpson. 12 images.
Clearly, 2005's other big story was Jessica Simpson, the only other reasonable contender for the year-end title. A cunning, imaginative, even brilliant combatant, Simpson relied on no one story this year. Instead she took pains to assure that there there was always was a story ready and available for editors hungry for lipgloss and cleavage with which to busy their JV airbrushing squad. Whether for losing weight, for giving Johnny Knoxville a rim job, for rubbing sudsy bosom on damp automobile in an aimlessly directed music video, for wearing garish frocks to formal events, for sleeping with Bam Margera, for drinking whiskey from the bottle, or for separating from husband Nick Lachey, Jessica steadily plugged away at being Jessica. She never failed to warrant a contender for a cover shot, and only under the most freakish circumstances showed in these matches in a manner less than deadly. Divorce will only earn Jess so many cover stories in '06 before America moves on to another unseemly split, but no sane person will doubt that she'll manage to find a way - or more likely a plethora of ways - to stay in headlines and Death Matches to come.

(tie) Brad Pitt. 12 images.
At the end of a truly impressive year that had everything to do with his association with Angelina Jolie and his dissociation from Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt's most remarkable feat is staying in the public's good graces. Normally it'd take a miracle to shield the ex of America's most doted-on victim from tabloid wrath. But in this case, his demonstrative love of kids insulated him from all but the most perfunctory kid-gloved tabloid flack, kept him in the Death Matches to this day, and earned him almost more public admiration than he'd enjoyed in the Camelot built around his marriage to Aniston.

(4) Angelina Jolie. 10 images.
Although not completely out of the woods on the whole homewrecking thing, Ange balances the same kid-loving Pitt's capitalized on with a mysterious air of danger the media religiously upholds (Us will never let us forget that she once wore a vial of Billy Bob's blood around her neck). If Angelina doesn't stir up a bestial passion in you, you're libel to be branded as unamerican. Ditto if you aren't also very suspicious that she's an eater of the dead. Earning respect for her dedication to parenting and celeb-diplomacy while inspiring white-as-a-sheet fear for her rugged sexuality, it's a very fine line Ange walks. And really, she doesn't just walk it, she struts it. Mad props to Ange for not stumbling even once this year.

(5) Sienna Miller. 8 images.
A report yesterday has Miller saying that this year's events have taught her to "hold your cards close to your vest." The skillful deployment of Britishized cliche is plenty cute, but she's got more on her mind, telling Life, "I've got a huge mouth, especially when it comes to my business. But I've realized that if you start talking about things, you open up a floodgate.... People think I should be an expert on love, and I haven't got a clue." I dunno if she means "people" or "People," nor how much or exactly what she knows about love, but she surely knows a little somethin' 'bout getting pictures in the papers. Not only do the staff of Us Weekly absolutely love to air her dirty laundry (see their rough handling of her in this week's Fashion Police highlights reel), but they reportedly find in her an inspirational quality that compels them to cut out and prominently display her pictures throughout the Us offices. Nice work if you can get it. (And if you get it....)

(tie) Nicole Richie. 8 images.
Girlfriend was on The Simple Life, people! No explanation necessary!

Notable faces in the huddled mob shivering in the year-end cold include Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and newly pregnant Gwen Stefani, each with seven shots to their name. Tom Cruise scores six, Katie Holmes five. Also with five are Nick Lachey, and Britney Spears.

Next week Us's year-end shenanigans should be over and done with, and battle should commence with newly heated fervor. Nick Lachey's on the cover with promises of revealing Jessica Simpson's dirty secrets. Will it be enough to edge him into the winner's circle? I say yes.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

U.N. Spacy Forced To Reconsider Its Position On 'Crash' (...Not Really)

Depending on whether you decide to believe a cop or a Desperate Housewife, a San Antonio traffic dispute lead to heated words that may have included such Eva Longoria bile as, "He's just a Mexican bike cop. He only wants your autograph."

No confirmation yet on whether these condescending words were immediately followed by a chipper enumeration of the ways Longoria's minimalist pubic grooming has improved her sex life with Tony Parker.

Monday, December 26, 2005

"Cheaper By the Dozen 2": Biggest Non-Giant Ape, Non-Gay Cowboy, Non-Fantasy Franchise, Non-Boy Wizard Movie Opening Weekend Ever.

According to Box Office Mojo, Micronian Queen Hilary Duff's new motion picture extravaganza, Cheaper By the Dozen 2: Cheaperer* reigned over the box office this weekend, earning just over $9 million during the Christmas three-day period. Evidently we all heeded Hil's urging "Don't miss C2!" Good for all of us.

In other news, I was forced to see The Producers, which is quite bad. Just boring and poorly staged. Unimaginative. Put it this way: If the film had been based on a book instead of a stage show, the movie would have been Mel Brooks reading the book aloud to you. It's also possibly offensive. I'm not sure, but I think it hates gay people. Call me nuts, but in 2005, I don't think it's appropriate to make "Look at the funny fag" jokes**. On the other hand, I've never been to a broadway show, and my friend says that's pretty much all they are, so what the hell do I know?

*Note: we also considered the subtitle Cheap Harder, as well as immediately disqualifiying Electric Boogaloo due to overuse.

**Amuse your friends! Next time you get a fortune cookie, instead of saying "In bed", say "On Brokeback Mountain."

Friday, December 23, 2005

Janice Min Can't Wait For Depositions In Brit-Brit Sex Tape Suit

Page Six reports that Us Weekly editor Janice Min is gearing up for battle against Britney Spears. The pop princess has filed a $20,000,000.00 libel suit against the magazine for a story involving an alleged sex tape, as reported by U.N. Spacy earlier this week. Now Min's boasting around town that she's ready for a fight, and can't wait for the depositions!

However, that's mostly because "They submit written testimony under oath!" will make for a linchpin addition to the "Stars: They're Just Like Us!" feature sometime next month. Should sit nicely beside "They get mani-pedis!" and "They drink Starbucks!"

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 567 - Dec. 26, 2005 (Hilton-Jolie-Richie-Simpson Tie)

From page one on, shit is crazy. Too many goddamn people. You’ll see what I mean. A week of many victories, but no clear winners, it’s all very touchy-feely, and more than a little flacid. So if it sounds like I’m phoning this one in, know that it’s because I’m phoning it in.

(1) Paris Hilton. 7 images.
(tie) Angelina Jolie. 7 images.
(tie) Nicole Richie. 7 images.
(tie) Jessica Simpson. 7 images.
Lackadaisical performances abound this week. (Seven is enough for a win? C’mon!) The headache-inducing clusterfuck at Number One, quite frankly, irritates me on a very personal level (look at my headline, it’s a mess!). However, it is well known that U.N. Spacy unfairly favors Hilton and Richie week after week, so it's with elated smiles that we greet our golden girls (a description appropriate on several levels) at the most crowded podium in U.N. Spacy’s history.

(2) DJ AM. 6 images.
Very possibly DJ AM’s Us Weekly swan song, I’m not sure how much leverage the couple can get out of their terminated engagement if things stay as civil as they’ve been up to the present. We'll miss Adam. Seriously.

(tie) Denise Richards. 6 images.
Given the retrospective tone of this month’s issues, it’s only natural that Baby Machine Weekly's homecoming queen get an assist. Us runs a three-photo article on Denise’s “hot beach body,” as if we'd forgotten their unceasing coverage of her improbable post-pregnancy weight loss during the autumn months.

(tie) Lindsay Lohan. 6 images.
Even Us knows that a Nicole-Paris gold simply wouldn't be so sweet without Linds up there to enjoy it with them.

(tie) Naomi Watts. 6 images.
Anyone with their wits about them could've predicted this one. But would you have guessed there'd be an article on her "heartbreaking childhood" and "long career turmoil"? Yeah, probably so.

(tie) Jennifer Aniston. 6 images.
Would it be wildly inappropriate if I just typed a long serious of "z"s here? Probably so.

(tie) Howard Stern. 6 images.
(tie) Beth Ostrosky. 6 images.
Seriously, this bumrush-the-podium business is so out of control that even Micronians are sneaking in.

Also-rans include Brad Pitt (5), Heath Ledger (4), Kevin Federline (4), and Britney Spears (4). Britney, by the by, pulled down three of her four for in the "2005 Us Oops Awards," which honors celebs who distinguish themselves during the calendar year by choking on chewing gum, falling, jumping on couches, losing control of one's own nipples, or exhibiting appetite-decimating facial lesions. Britney is granted a Lifetime Achievement Award this year, with sweet reminders of her food-stained clothing, her ill-advised bare feet, and her public Federnad handling.

I'd offer predictions on next week's issue but, um, I already have it, and I already know who won. I'm not going to tell you, either.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Hilary Duff RED Blog - 12/21/05: 'Cheaper By The Dozen 2' Premier Report

I dunno if Hilary Duff abandoned the open diary found on her official website, or if this is a new thing entirely, but here's the latest entry to her new AOL RED blog. I lifted this from, rather than visiting the blog directly - I've learned the hard way that no good comes from AOL.
The movie premiere for Cheaper By The Dozen 2 was awesome! What made it so cool was that we arrived in Christmas Sleighs! They had seven sleighs fully equipped with real horses - on the streets of Westwood! They even had faux snow on the ground. The premiere was on the west side so it was cold. The only cast members I missed were Tom Welling because he had to film his show in Canada and Piper Perabo had to work in New York.

OMG! Steve Martin and Eugene Levy are so funny in this movie. They are cool in real life, too. I hung out with Eugene Levy's daughter, Sarah, while filming in Toronto. We are about the same age - she’s 19 or 20. The Levy's are so much fun to hang out with. I really liked this one more than the first one. There are more stunts and practical jokes, water stuff - some of the action was dangerous. We had fun filming - it’s noticeable onscreen. I took pictures with cool fans and got to catch up with the cast. I wonder why they didn't have an after party? That was the first time that happened. Maybe it was a school night. Anyhoo, I am going to the theatres to see it again! Don't miss C2!
Regrettably, because I can't (well, won't) access AOL's blogs directly, I do not know the font and color Hil no doubt painstakingly selected to best express her inner OMG. We'll simply have to make do with the liberal use of exclamation points, the IM-speak, and the boldly unconventional architecture of her exasperated sentence construction to gauge the register and character of her emotional state while tapping out this exuberant missive.

And I must say, I'm really looking forward to the water stuff.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Funniest thing ever this week.

Watch this. Work safe.
If you like it there's lots more here.

US Weekly to Brit-Brit: "Ouch! That's the fucking hand I feed you with!"

ABC News reports the following:
Britney Spears filed a $20 million libel lawsuit Monday against celebrity magazine Us Weekly, charging it published a false story reporting she and her husband, Kevin Federline, made a sex tape and were worried about its release.

The lawsuit seeks $10 million in libel damages and $10 million for misappropriating Spears' name and image to promote sales. It also seeks unspecified punitive damages.

This might be a worse move than opening Kong during finals week. Also, this next part is even funnier.

The article stated that Spears gave a copy of the tape to [...] lawyers on Sept. 30 and that she and her husband were "acting goofy the whole time" while watching the video.

"There was no laughter, disgust or goofy behavior while watching the video in the company of lawyers because they did not watch any video, and because there is no such video," the lawsuit stated.

Of course there's no tape. These two happy little kids wouldn't run around videotaping themselves. And MTV certainly didn't air a TV show about it, and you can't find clips of it on MTV's website. That's crazy talk. US is just jealous cuz they can't handle Brit and Kevin's truth. Rise up.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Time Magazine is Full of Shit...

Time named its annual Person of the Year. I should say Persons. They chose Bill Gates and his wife, Melinda, and also they picked Bono. This is insanity. Have these people truly given of themselves? I mean, have they sacrificed? We did have a massive tsunami that killed like 200,000 people (ok, maybe that was at the tail end of 2004). Then there were those bombings in London. Some people got hurt there. Then there was that whole Katrina thing. My point is that there were several points this year where people who aren't billionaires suffered greatly, and, in many cases, died horribly. Those who survived fought and fought hard. Where's their honor?

So is Roger Ebert.

Roger Ebert posted his Top 10 of 2005 a day or so ago. It's a decent list, I suppose. Fairly vanilla, no big surprises. Save one. His choice of the best film of the year. Now, I'm all for diversity of opinion, but Crash? Let me say unequivocally that if anything, this film is one of the worst of this past 12 months.

Here is a movie that pretends to teach us a lesson about race relations and humanity and open-mindedness, and really all it has to say is "Racism is bad." If you need a movie to inform you of such, you should be permanently locked in a tiny, tiny box. Let us all sit back and marvel at the profundity of such scenes as "Racist arab store owner shoots Nice Mexican Locksmith's Daughter...with blanks!" Or how about "Sandra Bullock comes to see her Hispanic maid as a human being!"

David Denby, in The New Yorker, called this one "easily the strongest American film since Clint Eastwood's 'Mystic River'." That's kind of like saying "in the last year and a half." I predict that time will reveal Crash as an embarassment upon the critical establishment in America. That they fall for a contrivance, a safe little confection like this, only proves their encroaching senility and irrelevance.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Contrails: Sienna Miller Loves Poetry

  • "It sounds so pretentious but it's one of my favourite things," says Miller. "I've got this group of friends who are quite Bohemian and we get drunk, get the poetry books out and read." Pleeeease tell me you all knit scarves for Jude at the same time!
  • Countering previous U.N. Spacy reports, an official source says that Radiohead are not working on the soundtrack to A Scanner Darkly. Instead they're hard at work on the album that Q Magazine will one day name the single greatest achievement in the history of mankind. Later, defenders of the hyperbolic British music journal will, when cornered, pretend that this article never existed.
  • The theater mavens at Playbill report that Britney Spears will not appear on Broadway in Sweet Charity, as previously suggested. Kevin Federline may still appear at a venue whose signage reads "Sweet Charity," but under circumstances not yet determined.
  • Joel Madden tells Us Weekly the secret to the success of his relationship with Hilary Duff: "It's more interesting to date someone who's not into anything you're into." But what about eyeliner?
  • Mary J. Blige is Paramount's top choice to play Nina Simone in an upcoming biopic. I have absolutely no comment.
  • Ashlee Simpson is in the hospital after collapsing in an elevator immediately following her appearance on MTV Japan. U.N. Spacy wishes Simpson a speedy and thorough recovery, so that we may again catch her at activities gauche and ridiculous.

Stavros Niarchos III: "Don't Be A P---y... You have five seconds. Five. Four. Three..."

Those diligent fact-checkers over at Page Six report:
STAVROS Niarchos never paid a homeless man $100 to pour a cup of soda over his head just for laughs. That's what Us Weekly reported a few weeks ago. The Greek shipping heir, boyfriend of Paris Hilton, actually offered $100 to a passer-by if he'd drench a nearby paparazzo who was videotaping him. After screening the footage, PAGE SIX can report that Niarchos, in an SUV with his head largely hidden under a hood, started off offering just $10. "Do it now. You have nothing to lose. I swear to you on my life," he pleads. When the man hesitates, Niarchos say, "I'll give you $100. Don't be a p - - - y . . . You have 5 seconds." As Niarchos counts down, the man hurls the drink at the cameraman. We assume he collected a C-note.
First of all, no one here knows what a "p---y" is. If you happen to know, please contact us. Anyways, I can't get enough of this Stavros fellow. Here we have a story - with video evidence, no less - that clears his unfairly maligned name, and that, at the same time, makes him look like ten times the d--kh--d we previously imagined him to be. Although, actually, I don't know what a "d--kh--d" is, either.

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 566 - Dec. 19, 2005 (Simpson-Federline Tie)

As with last week's Match, I had to pick up this issue off the newsstand. You'll be surprised to know there's really not a lot of money in Robotech-themed celebrity obsession, a fact I partially credit for yet another delay this week. Take heart in knowing that our subscription is back on track, Gloval having assigned no less than a task force to assure its timely delivery in the future.

(1) Jessica Simpson. 11 images.
Us will milk a good seventeen feature articles out of Jessica's separation from that stubbly fellow without even breaking a sweat. That's sort of why I love them, actually. Are the estranged couple talking? Are they torn up on the inside? Or are they just shopping and golfing? These are the questions fielded in this week's installment. (Answers by the way are: Depends On Who You Ask, Yeah Sort Of I Guess, and Most Definitely, respectively.) But while we're talking about Jess, what's up with that pic in the above right of the cover? Girlfriend looks like a gangbang star crossed with a velociraptor.

(tie) Kevin Federline. 11 images.
Meanwhile, every other half -blonde couple in L.A. are scrambling to keep up, putting their troubled-relationshipiest foot forward. Far and away the best and brightest of the bunch, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline continue to tantalize with the wild uncertainty of their feud. Did Britney confiscate the Federrari? Is Kevin shopping for a divorce lawyer? Did the two cuddle through Memoirs of a Geisha? Are they fighting in those vague gas station photos of the pair with ominously open mouths? Can any of us remember the name of that kid of theirs? Us contributes impressively little to the discussion, but cackles wildly at every opportunity to print the word "marijuana," or any of its vernacular approximations. But for all of Us's efforts to cast Britney sympathetically as a "a devoted mom" struggling with an irresponsible husband, the simple fact is that K.Fed outperforms Britney two to one, Brit mustering no more than five shots. Fascinating indeed, and truly an MVP performance on Federline's part.

(3) Jennifer Aniston. 9 images.
Much as I'd love to shrug this one off, Jen really earns it this issue, bouncing back from a couple pitiful weeks by running up in all sorts of pictorials, and without the aid of a substantial feature story. I'm compelled to admire her hustle.

(4) Oprah. 8 images.
Apparently there was some sort of Cold War going on between Oprah and David Letterman. I guess if you don't show up on a talk show for sixteen years, it's considered an act of aggression. Admittedly, that's always been my excuse, but I sorta figured that in Oprah's case it had more to do with hosting her own goddamn talk show. Finally, on December 1st, Oprah tore down the wall, appearing on Letterman's program amid absurdly elated media fanfare. To this day, reports persist in suggesting that this was some kind of major moments of broadcast history, and not simply a Best Week Ever teaser item. As it happens, I had cause to pass by Letterman's studio twice that day. Television reports made the scene out to be some sort of near-riot, fans frothing rabidly to be a part of this milestone. You know what it looked like? Any other Thursday, that's what. Letterman, by the way, nets four images.

(5) Angelina Jolie. 7 images.
Still covering Brad Pitt's efforts to legally adopt Jolie's children, Us gives the lippy one the lion's share of the page space, granting three shots to Pitt and two each to Maddox and Zahara.

(tie) Madonna. 7 images.
Who's more totally awesome? Madonna? Or Gwen Stefani? Ohmigod, that's a tough one - hey, let's do a pictorial feature about that! Stefani earns six shots.

(tie) Nicole Kidman. 7 images.
Is she, or is she not, engaged to country star Keith Urban? And is she, or is she not, maniacally compelled to entangle herself with the most random assortment of zeros? (Q-Tip, I should mention, is excused from that dubious distinction.)

(tie) Russell Crowe. 7 images.
Seriously, enough with the Cinderella Man ads.

Other notable showings include Lindsay Lohan's five, Nicole Richie's four, Paris Hilton's two, and Jeremy Piven's one. Mary-Kate Olsen achieves four, narrowly besting twin Ashley's three. Naomi Watts scores five shots, as does Jessica Alba, the latter telling the magazine of her youthful trials with buckteeth and pigeon-toes. "I really had my moments with the ugly gene," says she. But for once it's Us, not the multi-talented starlet herself, that offers the week's most comically unlikely Alba factoid: Us rates her a C-cup. But perhaps that where she keeps that copy of the complete works of Christopher Marlowe translated into Farsi that she's always talking about.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Contrails: 'Girls Of Maxim' Eases Previously Restrictive Gender Barriers

  • Animal rights group PETA put out their list of this year's worst dressed celebrities, which reads like a Who's Who of my Google search history. Topping the list is U.N. Spacy's own Athena, Paris Hilton, also recently branded the world's worst celeb pet owner. Undaunted, Paris took on two new pets during a brief trip to Japan. She's reportedly named them Tokyo Blu and Harajuku Bitch, for reasons entirely unclear to us.
  • At a London screening of Annie Hall, Orlando Bloom spotted singer Annie Lennox and begged an autograph. With no clue of Bloom's major box office success, Lennox blew him off with a brusque "Please leave me alone and get a life." Says a source, "She genuinely thought he was an unusually good-looking fan." Later realizing her greivous error - that Bloom was no micronian, but a valued member of elite society, whose privileges include the valuable right to approach and even speak to others of their caste - Lennox rushed to Bloom with an apology, furbished an autograph, and even bestowed a kiss on the cheek. [Via Defamer]
  • A similar story, but without a happy ending, Ashley Olsen thrice offends designer Karl Lagerfeld, reportedly shrinking from him like he was Kimmy Gibbler.
  • Lord, why (oh why!) have you foresaken the helpless and slow-witted readers of Maxim, poorly equipped as they are to discern a push-up-bra'd tranny grotesquerie from the rest of the nominal d-listers of The WB, WWE Raw, reality television, and film comedies later sold in unrated DVD editions!!! I'm referring to news that Hilary Duff's desperate hanger-on sister, Haylie Duff, graces the magazine's January cover. Not only that, Haylie denies ever having hung up on longtime Duff rival Lindsay Lohan. Admittedly, something about Hil allowing Haylie to operate the phone didn't quite ring true when that story first broke, so it's good to get that cleared up.
  • Finally, Page Six reports that the termination of her lengthy engagement to DJ AM has taken its toll on Nicole Richie. Apparently the split came as quite a surprise to Richie, as the pair were busily making future plans together personally and professionally. "It really did come right out of left field for Nicole."

Monday, December 12, 2005

Hilary Duff Web Diary 12/10/05

OMG! Two and a half months pass soo quickly, and there's another update to Hil's open journal!
Hi guys!!! I'm sooo sorry its been so long since I've updated my diary. Its been crazy busy! But its great, you know how much I love going out on the road and seeing you guys! Right now I'm backstage relaxing before the show starts. OMG its awesome here down under and everyone's been amazing! Everybody has so much energy and sings along to my songs! You know its summer here so its really warm, which is good cause next month I'll be in Canada which will be really cold! How was everyone's Thanksgiving? My mom cooked a feast and my whole family was together. Did you know that Thanksgiving is one of my most favorite holidays? We head back home next week and I'm looking forward to relaxing and hanging out with my family and friends. Don't forget to see "Cheaper By The Dozen 2" for the holidays on December 21! Gotta run - Sound Check! Love ya'll!! Hil xoxo
OMG Hil, you truly bring holiday warmth to this brisk December. It feels sooo awesome to be truly treasured as a fan! And in aquamarine! But seriously, Hil, is there any plausible way for me to forget about Cheaper By The Dozen 2 this December?

Teri Hatcher Slams Tabloid Media

Teri Hatcher is way pissed over allegations that she regularly beds suitors in a van parked outside her home, leaving her eight-year-old daughter Emerson alone during the zesty romps. Says Hatcher,
"I like to think I bite the celebrity bullet and I sort of put up with the gazillion things they say that aren't true. But for me, in this particular area, it wasn't just that they said I had sex in my van - which is bad enough - they said that I left my daughter alone in the house, unsupervised, to go have sex in the car and that I do this all the time. To me, that's parental neglect and I've made it very clear that being a parent is the absolute number one priority in my life. I think there's plenty of salacious, true things you could say about people in Hollywood. You don't have to make it up."
That's more than fair, if you ask me. Teri, you're obnoxious and you look like shit and your unholy eyes scare the bejesus out of me. Better?

Contrails: Mary-Kate Misses Stavros, Doesn't Speak To Paris

  • Wild and unsubstantiated rumors indicate that the working score for Richard Linklater's adaptation of Philip K. Dick's good-christ-it's- awesome novel A Scanner Darkly has been scrapped, and will be replaced with a new original score by Radiohead currently in the works, adding to the film's already formidable hipster cache. Fans cheer that Radiohead is the most vital and interesting musical project working today. Meanwhile, U.N. Spacy identifies those people and sternly crosses them off our list of people we're willing to split a pitcher with.
  • If you can find Mary-Kate Olsen in the picture to the right, I guess you're back on the pitcher-split list, 'cause I'm hard-pressed to make out anything human (or even gelfling) there. This pic accompanies an interview in which Mary-Kate tells W Magazine she misses and still loves badboy ex-boyfriend/Petron enthusiast Stavros Niarchos III, although the two are no longer on speaking terms. Also on MKO's no-talky list is Paris Hilton, which probably works out well for both. I mean really, how many stilted "You got it, dude!"s can one heiress be expected to tolerate?!?
  • Since we're talking gelfling, take a gander at this.
  • Italian tabloid Grazia says that Jennifer Aniston recently gathered friends outside her Malibu house for a boisterous ceremonial burning of her wedding dress, love letters from ex-husband Brad Pitt, and a few other mementos.
  • Also on Page Six is a rhyming Christmas-y skewering of Katie Couric, if you're into that kinda thing.
  • In the wake of Murder Inc.'s high-profile mega-criminal allegations, Ashanti tells MTV News about her tough lessons in "trinkle-down economics." She also gushes that it was "a pleasure" to work with Meth, which unfortunately isn't nearly as funny in context.
  • You know what totally sucks? It totally sucks when you're staying at your celebrity friend's house and you peel off your shirt to do some topless mail-checking and some slimy paparazzo, like, totally invades your privacy by snapping photos from three football field lengths away and the next thing you know you hafta have your lawyer clean the pictures off the internet. Man that totally sucks!

A Loving Study Of The Many Expressive Stylings Of Lindsay Lohan

I know this is a lot to take in before noon on a Monday, but news doesn't sleep, folks! Some will recall the Paris Hilton flash animation thing we posted back in November. Like that nervy meditation in pictures, this one came from YTMND. We're all looking forward to the eyelids-at-half-mast Tara Reid installment. Or - ooh! - Jeremy Piven!

Friday, December 09, 2005

Contrails: U.N. Spacy Hurries Through A Week Of Gossip

First off, the Photo Death Match post immediately below this one is new as of this afternoon. I mention this because I worry people will mistake it from the Photo Death Match post from ten days ago. Secondly, this is pretty much a lightning-fast catch-up on everything we slept on this week.
  • Teri Hatcher explains to Us Weekly why it's perfectly acceptable to despise the rich: "I will never pay for dinner again... I don't have to marry a gazillionaire, but I don't want to pay for dinner anymore."
  • Sorry, ladies, as of today Matt Damon is a very married man.
  • Satisfied with winning the last-couple-standing competition by an enormous margin, Nicole Richie and DJ AM call off their engagement. U.N. Spacy tries to play it cool, but is found pitifully choked up nonetheless.
  • Allegedly Britney Spears has had her fill of Kevin Federline's carryings on. Reports on this one vary wildly and, frankly, interest fewer and fewer as the hours pass.
  • I love these periodic appearances by Jessica Simpson assistant CaCee Cobb in the headlines.
  • Brad Pitt has allegedly taken measures to adopt Angelina Jolie's children and, if rumors are to be believed, won't stop proposing marriage.
  • Oh, and that's Hilary Duff hanging out at a porno party above.

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 565 - Dec. 12, 2005 (Simpson-Lachey Tie)

Where has U.N. Spacy been this week? For the sake of simplicity, let's just say that the staff has been on a arduous week-long drinking binge, the stain of Johnnie Walker still discernable on our collective breath. Or if that doesn't suit you, I could say that we've been attending an out-of-town symposium concerning modes of address unique to the cinema of Belgian filmmaker Chantal Akerman. And if you still aren't satisfied, I could try and convince you that a cup of coffee mockingly rendered the office's lone keyboard inoperable. Believe what you want, but we'll not answer to anything less outlandish.

So what the fuck is going on in Us Weekly??? Well, I'll tell ya, I'm only just now piecing that together myself. The Simpson breakup issue never appeared in our mailbox, which caused me more anguish than you'll ever know. Usually when this happens, blame can rightly be laid on the United States Postal Service (I've made a number of complaints, and each time I'm fed the wildly unlikely claim that "Super Dimensional Fortress 1" is a confusing street address). However, this time it's our fault. We, uh, let our subscription lapse and, uh, only realized the mistake yesterday. Fortunately, Borders Books is slow on stocking the latest issues, and we were able to scrape together enough change to buy this landmark ish off the newstand. I don't have the cover shot but, again, this is the Simpson breakup issue. Imagine bountiful cleavage, ominous bleached teeth, and a photoshopped "rip" effect and you've pretty much got the idea.

(1) Jessica Simpson. 31 images!!!
(tie) Nick Lachey. 31 images!!!
This week's issue finds Us Weekly not only at its most vitally relevent, but truly at the top of its game. Page 63 begins the Simpson-Lachey breakup story with the following: "For most families, Thanksgiving is a time to come together...." Before the first paragraph has expired, Us is already parading J.Simp's grandpa in front of us, who assures America that, even in such woefully discouraging times, "the Lord will take care of everything." Oh and there's a four-page pictorial entitled "The Way They Were." The article closes with the following assessment: "I think we all saw it coming when they put their faces on MTV. To put their commitment to each other in front of the world is just asking for trouble." Those words spoken, by the way, by one-time MTV producer Chris Hart.

(3) Russell Crowe. 7 images.
(4) Nicole Richie. 6 images.
(tie) Angelina Jolie. 6 images.
(tie) Mischa Barton. 6 images.
Like you care.... What with Jess and Nick hoarding over sixty images between them, there isn't a lot of page left to go around. Russell Crowe cashes in for the second time on a Cinderalla Man advertisement. It's enough to make him this week's runner-up, but not nearly enough to add up to even a quarter of J.Simp or Nick Lachey's numbers. That Angelina and fam rate a fair chunk of the remaining space should surprise no one. Weight troubles secure Nicole's spot, while Mischa makes the grade only by bringing her trembling face perilously close to something truly gross.

If anyone else in this week's games can be said to have had a worthy showing, it's SpactCamp alum Tate Donovan (5 - wtf?) and that aforementioned something truly gross, Cisco Adler (5). Lindsay Lohan showed four times, Kristin Cavallari thrice. Jennifer Aniston showed only twice, while where the holy fuck is Paris Hilton??? And I think that brings us more or less up to speed.