Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 564 - Dec. 5, 2005 (Jolie By 4)

By the time anyone laid hands on this issue, it was already comically dated. The official announcement of Jessica Simpson's separation from Nick Lachey pretty much rendered everything contained in these pages more or less beside the point. Nevertheless, these games must be reported on. Actually, I'm really not convinced that they do, but what the hell...

(1) Angelina Jolie. 13 images.
(2) Maddox Jolie. 9 images.
(3) Brad Pitt. 8 images.
It's right there on the cover: "Angelina's taking prenatal vitamins - so why is she waiting to marry Brad?" That's the story, and it plays out pretty much just like you'd figure. But to my thinking, the real story here is what the fuck did little Zahara ever do to Us Weekly?!?

(4) Gwyneth Paltrow. 6 images.
Kind of out of nowhere, Paltrow doesn't have a feature story, and isn't currently in the headlines to speak of. It helps that she's hocking some fragrance (a refreshingly inoffensive one, I should mention), but only a little.

(5) J.Lo. 6 images.
(tie) Russell Crowe. 6 images.
(tie) Jessica Alba. 6 images.
And then there were three.... Far as J.Lo goes, I have only this to say: You've had those weird moments where something looks to be coincidence, but something about it seems planned, fated, maybe even meant to be, and it causes you to wonder if a higher power might've had a hand in this mortal coil? Well, this is one of those moments. The two highest-profile exes in Ben Affleck's life both show admirably with parallel Death Match performances. Now you can't tell me that's just "one of those things." This was no accident. Russell Crowe gets in here because of a Cinderella Man DVD advertisement with more than a little of a For Your Consideration undertone. And Jessica Alba is a snake charmer, so there you go.

Oh, and if you're wondering where Jessica Simpson (4) has hiding this week, check page 4's Who Wore It Best? face-off with, ahem, Debra Messing (1). Winning the battle, but losing the war, Jessica's implementation of a Smythe velvet blazer is not-so- overwhelmingly preferred to Messing's wearing of same, 58 to 42.

This week's other hardly-worth-mentioning-in-light-of-Jess's- breakup appearances include Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Charlize Theron, Usher, Rosario Dawson, and fallen titan Jennifer Aniston with four apiece. Kimberly Stewart and Talan Torriero fail to capitalize on their already defunct engagement, with three and two shots, respectively.


Blogger Pat Angello said...

Hey, guess who's on the cover of Oprah Magazine this month!

1:44 PM  

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