Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 562 - Nov. 21, 2005 (Aniston By 11)

No typo there, Aniston really did take the gold by an eleven-image margin. This week's Death Match numbers are all kinds of weird. Aside from Aniston predictably winning again, almost nothing here plays out as expected.

(1) Jennifer Aniston. 23 images.
Right now you'd hafta be a fool to bet against Jen in these Matches, but by this enormous a margin? Well, the story here is not nearly as awe-inspiring as you might think. Apparently Jen was once on some show called Friends, the tenth season of which has only yesterday been issued for home viewing on digital video disc. A full-page advertisement for the entire DVD collection gains Jen no less than fourteen shots. Which is fortunate, 'cause a "lover's stroll" with Vince only rates her two.

(2) Julia Roberts. 12 images.
Julia's astonishingly inexplicable cover story covers the first birthday of her twin children. Just the birthday, not a swanky, celeb-laden birthday party. This is classic Baby Machine Weekly fluff. There is no scandal here, no excitement. Just a star and her progeny. Believe me when I tell you that the words "hot homemaker" appear together on several occasions.

(3) Matt LeBlanc. 11 images.
Pulling a Shannon Elizabeth this month, everyone's favorite star of everyone's least favorite sitcom greedily clutches to eleven paid-placement shots, taking home a less-than-dignified bronze.

(4) Ashlee Simpson. 9 images.
This really hasn't been Jessica's month. Her marriage is crumbling, but Ashlee is "determined" for her latest album to "be huge." Also she's convulsively hideous, and was recently captured on tape acting like a rude, white-wine-concussed beast. Reports from Toronto's Spuntini Ristorante claim that Ash had four or five glasses of wine over three hours before her now-infamous McDonald's performance. Unless "glasses" means "glass carafes," I find that figure more than a little suspect.

(5) Courtney Cox. 7 images.
(tie) Kate Hudson. 7 images.
Friends' wrath rages on, leaving Lisa Kudrow, Matthew Perry, and David Schwimmer (6 each) scratching their heads and firing their agents. Kate Hudson, for her part, is thin in a way that isn't flattering, which means Us points the scornful starvation finger, all the while running pics of Teri Hatcher on a jog, printing Jen's stay-thin diet tips, and breathlessly hand-jobbing J.Simp for her workout regimen. But hey, seven pics is seven pics is seven pics, and I doubt you'll hear any serious complaints from Hudson.

Other twinkly stars in your autumn sky include newly single Leonardo DiCaprio, Eva Longoria, Richard Gere, Scarlett Johansson, and Reese Witherspoon with five shots apiece. Leo's ex, Gisele B√ľndchen, doesn't fare as well, with two. Katie Holmes, Angelina Jolie, and Jessica Simpson each double as well. Pitiable singles are sheepishly offered by U.N. Spacy faves Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie, and by Baby Machine Weekly regulars Jennifer Garner, Denise Richards. Oh, and forget Paris....


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