Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 561 - Nov. 14, 2005 (Aniston By 2)

Alotta big names this week, but not much in the way of action. Twelve images takes home the gold, and seven gets you on the podium. I get the impression that no one's really relishing their victories these days. I'm not sure what's needed to spice things up here, but it's needed dearly.

(1) Jennifer Aniston.
12 images.
There is literally a pictorial chronicling her evening outfits for each night of her last trip to Manhattan. Among the revelations contained in this issue - and this is pretty interesting - the blazer Aniston wore at 4:00pm on October 28th is the same one she wore on December 19th of last year! No kidding!

(2) Britney Spears. 10 images.
Apparently this whole Britnet-K.Fed thing isn't working out so well. Shit gets heavy in Us's journalistic inquiry into their tough times. On October 30th, the pair took in an evening show of Elizabethtown at an Agoura Hills theater. There Britney rested her head on Kevin's shoulder. "It's a romantic comedy too," says one witness. "That says something." Fucking A it does!

(3) Jessica Simpson.
8 images.
We could only cackle maniacally for so long. It was sweet while it lasted. So sweet.

(tie) Angelina Jolie. 8 images.
Ange got the kids and the Brad together for a day at the beach in an unbeatable ploy to reclaim some of her lately faded glory. This shoot has all the glamour and danger of such high water marks as Brad and Ange's sexy adults-only Canadian grocery run.

(5) Brad Pitt. 7 images.
Do you remember the Pillsbury slice-and-bake ghost cookies? Do you? Even Maddox and Zahara net five images apiece!

(tie) Kevin Federline. 7 images.
This week's long-awaited skewering of Britney Spears inexplicable marriage to Kevin Federline offered little evidence, but plenty of shit-talking on K. Fed. Us resorts to the kind of no-holds-barred tough love they've recently used on Jessica Simpson's marriage to, uh, what's-his-name. The words "smoking marijuana" are deployed, best read aloud in a hushed voice. Once again, Us lets Shar Jackson out of that gimp-chest in the basement, but only long enough to make a few open snipes at Britney (who she couldn't get on the phone if she worked in distribution for Frito-Lay): "C'mon, kiddo, did you think things were going to be different?" Just before Us zips closed the mouthpiece of her mask, Jackson endeavors to speak to Kevin's defense. "In this industry, partying is almost work. That is how you meet people. So if she thinks he is going to be a stay-at-home dad, he can't afford to do that." I want to wish Jackson a speedy recovery from the hearing loss that doubtless resulted, despite the ear-insulating protection of her rubber mask, from the defeaning hyena-like laughter that followed her comments.

Evangeline Lilly scores five shots, most of them spent making out with a hobbit. Other notables include Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Jennifers Garner and Lopez, Hilary Duff, Rachel McAdams, Xtina Aguilera, Cameron Diaz, Charlize Theron, and Jake Gyllenhaal, each netting four shots. Less impressive are Katie Holmes (3), Tom Cruise (1), Reese Witherspoon (1), and Sienna Miller (1).

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