Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 564 - Dec. 5, 2005 (Jolie By 4)

By the time anyone laid hands on this issue, it was already comically dated. The official announcement of Jessica Simpson's separation from Nick Lachey pretty much rendered everything contained in these pages more or less beside the point. Nevertheless, these games must be reported on. Actually, I'm really not convinced that they do, but what the hell...

(1) Angelina Jolie. 13 images.
(2) Maddox Jolie. 9 images.
(3) Brad Pitt. 8 images.
It's right there on the cover: "Angelina's taking prenatal vitamins - so why is she waiting to marry Brad?" That's the story, and it plays out pretty much just like you'd figure. But to my thinking, the real story here is what the fuck did little Zahara ever do to Us Weekly?!?

(4) Gwyneth Paltrow. 6 images.
Kind of out of nowhere, Paltrow doesn't have a feature story, and isn't currently in the headlines to speak of. It helps that she's hocking some fragrance (a refreshingly inoffensive one, I should mention), but only a little.

(5) J.Lo. 6 images.
(tie) Russell Crowe. 6 images.
(tie) Jessica Alba. 6 images.
And then there were three.... Far as J.Lo goes, I have only this to say: You've had those weird moments where something looks to be coincidence, but something about it seems planned, fated, maybe even meant to be, and it causes you to wonder if a higher power might've had a hand in this mortal coil? Well, this is one of those moments. The two highest-profile exes in Ben Affleck's life both show admirably with parallel Death Match performances. Now you can't tell me that's just "one of those things." This was no accident. Russell Crowe gets in here because of a Cinderella Man DVD advertisement with more than a little of a For Your Consideration undertone. And Jessica Alba is a snake charmer, so there you go.

Oh, and if you're wondering where Jessica Simpson (4) has hiding this week, check page 4's Who Wore It Best? face-off with, ahem, Debra Messing (1). Winning the battle, but losing the war, Jessica's implementation of a Smythe velvet blazer is not-so- overwhelmingly preferred to Messing's wearing of same, 58 to 42.

This week's other hardly-worth-mentioning-in-light-of-Jess's- breakup appearances include Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Charlize Theron, Usher, Rosario Dawson, and fallen titan Jennifer Aniston with four apiece. Kimberly Stewart and Talan Torriero fail to capitalize on their already defunct engagement, with three and two shots, respectively.

Contrails: Simpson Family Doesn't Talk About... Somebody, I Dunno.

  • California's animal control set a harsh precedent with the confiscation of unlawfully-kept pet Baby Luv from socialite Paris Hilton. The first to follow California's example, the state of New York sequesters Busta Rhymes' dreadlocks.
  • Not to be outdone by rival Ja Rule, rapper 50 Cent performs at a bigger, bling-ier bat mitzvah with Aerosmith, Don Henley, and buncha other straight thugs. Unfortunately at press time we were not able to confirm whether or not the festivities included a field trip to the candy shop. [Via Defamer]
  • After eating Us Weekly's dust a week ago today, Star swallows its pride and interrogates Ashlee Simpson on Jessica's freshly-single Thanksgiving. Spiralling further from top-shelf tabloid journalism, Star additionally questions Ashlee boyfriend/bandmate Ray Brady, who says that Nick Lachey has "not really been a topic of conversation for some time now." Which is what we've been trying to say for some time now.
  • Also on the Simpson front, Billy Bush of Access Hollywood expresses surprise at Joe Simpson's decision to go to Us with the breakup story after intimating to Bush on several occasions that he would "never" work with Us again. Here's the full intriguing story (scroll down to the Nov. 24th entry). [Via Perez Hilton]

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

A Fool And Her Monkey Are Soon Parted

Anyone who's spent any time reading this blog knows that no one here particularly takes Paris Hilton for a fool, but that headline just wouldn't be denied. Anyway, if Female First is to be believed (and that's a question worth pondering, really), Baby Luv and a sobbing Paris were parted by California animal authorities.

U.N. Spacy previously reported that Baby Luv is a kinkajou, a species that California does not permit its citizens to keep as pets.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Contrails: Paris Hilton Round-Up

  • Paris Hilton tells the Shop Etc. magazine, "I believed in Santa Claus until I was 17 when some mean person told me it wasn't true." Similarly, I believed in the fourth season of The Simple Life until some mean person told me it wasn't true. I wonder if it was the same person. But speaking of which....
  • Those Christmas angels over at E! ordered ten episodes of the abandoned fourth season of The Simple Life, and plan to follow the "Simple Wife" scenario Fox had at one time persued. The network - now the greatest in the history of television - has also picked up syndication rights for the previous three seasons of the show.
  • Finally, Paris Latsis and Stavros Niarchos III had a very vocal run-in this weekend at an American Music Awards afterparty. The story ends with allegations that Stavros rushed into the men's room and "puked everywhere." Paris Hilton's poor rep is sent in for the thankless save, attempting to defuse the story with the delightfully improbably claim that a close friend in the Stavros entourage is a dead ringer for everyone's favorite Patron consumer. Oh and get this: that's the guy who trashed the Hard Rock Hotel also.

Jessica Alba: Soon To Be Engaged???

It's been a while since Jessica Alba and her nightvision have graced these pages with their presence. She's been busy, we've been busy, the holidays are upon us. People lose touch, but it doesn't mean they don't still care. So it is with open arms and a warm smile that we welcome Alba back to U.N. Spacy with reports that beau Cash Warren is rumored to be shopping for an engagement ring for the multi-talented favorite of high school locker decorators everywhere.
An insider proclaimed that "Cash has been discreetly looking at engagement rings at various jewelry stores in Beverly Hills."

Warren by all accounts has yet to make a purchase, but Cash is looking for something specific - a traditional diamond solitaire set in platinum, according to published reports.

And really, why wouldn't he pop the question? The girl's quite the catch. Sure, she was far more approachable as a blonde, and it'll be tough to find a ring that'll fit on her webbed hands, but she's a certified air-conditioner repairwoman, an avid pole-vaulter, and can - if pressed - hold her breath for eleven minutes! I mean, come on!

Simpson Break-Up Announcement "Calculated"

Brace yourself for this one: people don't like Joe Simpson!?!?

Now I hate to kick you while you're down, but there's more. Tabloid journalism television doesn't broadcast live during Thanksgiving weekend!?!?

If Page Six hasn't ruined your appetite by now, reading the story in toto surely will.
JOE Simpson is being called the grinch who stole Thanksgiving. Jessica Simpson's father, who's seen as the puppetmaster behind Jessica and her soon to be ex, Nick Lachey, released the announcement that they were finally calling it quits at 10 p.m. Wednesday night. The late call meant staffers for "Entertainment Tonight," "The Insider," "Access Hollywood" and Extra!" — which had all pre-taped their Thursday and Friday shows — had to work on Thanksgiving. "They got their holidays, but we didn't," growled one staffer. "They couldn't have waited one day? This was so calculated."
I know, I know. Calling the timing of Jessica Simpson's announcement "calculated" is a bit uncalled for, but let's cut this unnamed staffer a little slack for speaking in the heat of the moment. Surely he or she has had two days to regret these alarmist, hysterical words already; let's not add to their troubles.

Lindsay Lohan Relaxes Responsibly

Best I can tell, that's a Corona, not the Corona Light favored by the underage female demographic. Linds, you may not realize this, but that's a fattening bottle of carbs and calories you've got perched perilously on your lips there. See, this is why there are age restrictions on drinking. These poor girls just have no idea....

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Pre-Marital Separation Shocker Of The Decade: Kimberly Stewart, Talan Torriero Decide "It Is Better To Have A Brief Engagement Than A Short Marriage"

What with plush-filled knee-length boots being such a staple of California's young jetset, who'd have guessed that cold feet would turn out to be so very this season!?!

It would be overly cynical to suggest that Kimberly Stewart and Talan Torriero hatched an engage-up-and-break-up scheme to capitalize on the latest wave of aborted wedding plans. But I'm the type of guy who's going to suggest just that. That or David Cronenberg's effects team was called back too soon to accomodate the one-month anniversary of their engagement.

A highlight of MSNBC's coverage of the cancelled engagement is the offhand statement that the pair "announced their engagement earlier this month," which is a pretty funny way to say "eleven days ago" when you think about it. Anyways, here's the official word:
“It was just too soon to enter into a lifelong commitment,” their representatives said in a joint statement. “It is better to have a brief engagement than a short marriage. The couple continue to share their time together and remain open to whatever the future may hold.”
I hereby nominate "Better to have a brief engagement than a short marriage" to replace the dusty, played-out "Better to burn out than to fade away" from here on out.

Friday, November 25, 2005

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 563 - Nov. 28, 2005 (Aniston By 4)

Readers take note, this isn't the Jolie cover issue, it's the Holiday Diet Tricks issue. Yes, I'm a week behind, but only because the Cacarel Promesse advertisement ("More than a fragrance, a promise...") disabled the left side of my brain for three days, or anyway that's how the doctor described it to me. And yes, the Diet Secrets cover story is every bit as evil as you've surely guessed; possibly worse. Among the industry secrets our favorite celebs share? Eat veggies. Drink water. Don't "overdo" pigs-in-a-blanket breakfasts. Wildly innovative, these stay-slim schemes. And while a double-check shoots down my claim that Us turns to Nicole Richie for healthy eating advice, they do accept tips from Courtney Cox, Lindsay Lohan, and Hilary Duff . But enough editorializing, let's get to the game.

(1) Jennifer Aniston. 10 images.
Jen enjoys the final days of her exhaustingly dull reign, but braces herself for a tire iron assault from Jessica Simpson, just in time for the holidays. And thank Christ, really. As of about three weeks ago I'd run out of anything to say about Jen's Death Match domination that didn't involve comparison to Jess. If you've read Us recently, you've surely noticed that they don't have too much more to say either. My analysis has Jen dropping all the way off the charts before the end of December. Don't get me wrong, she'll be back with more inspirational talk show appearances that will bore me to airplane glue, but she won't take home the gold for at least another month.

(2) Mary-Kate Olsen. 6 images.
An astonishing transformation from anorexic malnourishment to radiant, glamorous well-being scores MKO nothing short of a cover shot. Says one source of a recent Olsen sighting, "She filled out her clothes better and actually had some curves." But good luck figuring which pictures depict the too-skinny Mary-Kate, and which ones the just-right curvy one. Unless spray-tan and eye-liner can be ingested through Gelfling pores, I'm hard-pressed to identify any physical signs of dramatic recovery. But don't you worry, the article makes clear that Olsen's inner circle have Mary-Kay's back. Says an insider, "Her friends never skip meals around her."

(tie) Paris Hilton. 6 images.
(tie) Lindsay Lohan. 6 images.
For some reason, it doesn't strike Us as in poor taste to print fitness tips from LiLo. As for Paris, by all right she should own this tawdry rag (not to mention this tawdry blog [E me, P.]). Probably the highlight of the issue is a shot of Paris pushing a grocery cart overflowing with contents more commonly associated with the Spears-Federline estate. Yet in classic Hilton style, the ice cold indifference that peeks through her gradiant sunglasses leaves me utterly convinced that girlfriend hit the Smart & Final discount store just to be ironic.

(tie) Madonna. 6 images.
Brand new album. That and talking shit on Paris. Any other week it'd take a public appearance with the implausibly adorable fruits of her loins for Ms. Ciccone to place.

I'd tell you that it was all about defense this week, but I'm really not sure what that means. Suffice it to say that with a four-way tie for second (at six shots, no less), there's a dearth of exciting also-rans. J.Simp rocked five, which ties her with Matt Lauer for sixth. Four pictures apiece may be credited to Jessica Alba, Courtney Cox, Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Heidi Klum, Eva Longoria, Jennifer Lopez, and Mandy Moore. But none of this is really news. Probably the next issue won't add up to much either. But the week after that, it'll pretty much take an alien bursting splattery from Katie Holmes belly to keep Jessica Simpson from a cover story and Death Match victory.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Divorce Shocker Of The Year!

Whether tabloid journalism has honed its collective dirt-scouring skills to truly awe-inspiring precision, or have devised a sinister means of actually willing celebrity couples apart, gossip columnists all over the world are having a particularly self-satisfied Thanksgiving this year, and not just because they've found reasonable cause for over twenty "It's Thanksgiving. Be Nice. FUCK!" outbursts. Us Weekly reports:
A month after Us Weekly first reported on the breakup of Newlyweds Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, the couple has jointly announced an official separation. 'After three years of marriage, and careful thought and consideration, we have decided to part ways,' the couple tells Us in an exclusive joint statement. 'This is the mutual decision of two people with an enormous amount of respect and admiration for each other. We hope that you respect our privacy during this difficult time.' Us Weekly first reported the couple’s split in its October 17 issue; at that time, Lachey's publicist issued a denial of an official separation. Just last week, Lachey partied alone with pals in Miami, on November 22, he attended the American Music Awards without his wife, one day after the New York Post reported that a porn star was peddling a seamy story about her night with Lachey (Lachey's attorney has denied any impropriety). Tellingly, at the AMAs, Simpson's father Joe Simpson told an Us reporter of his daughter's ongoing media scrutiny, 'We are Simpsons, we take a lickin’ and keep on tickin’.'

The telegenic couple wed in Austin, Texas in October 2002 in front of 250 guests. 'You don't think it's possible to love the man you're looking at any more. But when you say 'I do,' you somehow end up loving him even more,' Simpson told Us in October of 2004. 'When I walked down the aisle it was like Romeo and Juliet.' The duo became international celebrities by televising their first years of marriage on MTV's Newlyweds. While the show was wildy successful and the duo reaped the benefits of their newfound fame — both released albums and Jessica, who earned $35 million last year, landed a starring role in 2004's Dukes of Hazzard (in contrast, Nick's solo debut, only a paltry 105,000 copies)— reports of trouble have dogged the relationship since the second season of Newlyweds.

Says Lachey, "They're still the best yams I've ever candied."

But seriously, folks, various members of U.N. Spacy's upper-level staff have very recently revisited the glorious first season of The Newlyweds, and decided that you'd have to be daft to argue that this wasn't in the fucking cards. Even at that early date, one detects in Nick a certain... well let's call it loathing of Jessica. He spends most of his precious screen time bitching to his dramatically less dashing brother about what a moron Jess is. Conversely, Jessica spends most of her time alone, bitching to America about how Nick never hangs out with her, and commenting with disarming frequency on the uncontested fact that she herself is, in fact, a moron.

As much as America will want to find a victim a la Jen in this split, neither choice sells itself particularly well. Despite her best efforts to save the world, Jessica is truly the Queen of Harpies. For his part, Nick has done an admirable job of proving that a dim-witted, spoiled little brat of a princess is exactly what he wants from life. Nick's victim-ability will further dwindle with the inevitable - and necessary - rapid cuddle-up to another equally dense young ingenue, and finding his way into a swift betrothal, or facing the perils of the C-list cold turkey.

But perhaps there is a victim in all this: Joe Simpson. Like Doctor Frankenstein, he's watched the product he created (out of the marriage he feared more than breast cancer) soar to such lofty superhuman heights, then spent the last six months watching America pull it limb from limb at its stitches. Now this trademarked union will either lie down and die, its individual participants forced to Joey-like measures, or - more interestingly - direct the death rattle of the marriage, choppy waters of their accusation-laden divorce, and awkward forays into singledom back at reality television. Either an all-new splitcentric season of Newlyweds, or just a very special episode of Divorce Court. Whatever comes of this, we're due for a genuine precedent in the rethinking and remarketing of one of the most successful, inspired, and insipid comsumer products of the decade.

Also, just who is this Nick character, anyway?

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

"Jesus! It's Thanksgiving. Be Nice. FUCK!"

In the unlikely event that our readers dislike themselves enough to skip a day of Defamer, we transcribe the following field report posted on that fine site about Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria - who, you may recall, U.N. Spacy has a very poor opinion of.
While picking up Koo Koo Roo mashed potatoes today I witnessed a fine example of Los Angeles kindness.

A woman who short-changed the parking attending by only giving him half of the required two dollars to leave the lot, yelled at him. (This was happening while she was trying to navigate her SUV and talk on the cell phone):

Attendant: “You only gave me a dollar?”

Shrew: “Jesus! It’s Thanksgiving. Be nice. FUCK!”

And she drove off.

Yes. I swear it was… I kid you not…

Desperate Housewife Eva Longoria.

In fairness to Ms. Longoria, she was running late for an inspirational-speaking-about-her-own-hairless-bathing-suit-area appearance.

Contrails: "Bratman Bratwurst" Terrorizes Guests At Xtina Wedding Reception; Mayonnaise Threats Met With Hysteria

  • I must confess, Xtina Aguilera in her wedding dress really doesn't much resemble a bottle of bubblebath. It's more like a jellyfish attacking an oozing bottle of bubblebath.
  • We'd be remiss in our blogging duties if we didn't draw your attention to Xtina's new husband's much ballyhooed comments on the Bratman family's well-hung genes.
  • At this point, spotting Jessica Simpson without her wedding band is about as difficult as catching a glimpse of Trishelle's left nipple. See the latest example (of ringless Simpson, that is) here. By the way, those two are supposed to be hotties. Just wanted to warn you, 'cause if your caught failing to enumerate the limbs you'd gladly part with for a chance to sodomize J.Simp, you get kicked out of the blogosphere. That's what they told us anyway. Then they kicked our puppy.
  • What are you talking about? The American Music Awards are so totally not a farce.

Another Great Day In Harlem, er, Atlanta: T.I., Ludacris, Young Jeezy, Ying Yang Twins Assemble For Historic Photo Shoot

MTV News reports:
On Friday, what seemed to be impossible was done. More than 50 members of Atlanta's music community came out to stand together, unified. Literally.

Call it "A Great Day in Atlanta." T.I., Ludacris, Bobby Valentino, members of Disturbing Tha Peace,
the Ying Yang Twins, T-Mo and Kujo Goodie, TLC's T-Boz, the ladies of Crime Mob, Organized Noize, Killer Mike, Field Mob, Mr. Collipark, Jermaine Dupri, influential music exec Kawan "KP" Prather, DJ Crew the Aphilliates, Bone Crusher, Boys N Da Hood, Young Jeezy and others gathered to recreate the famous 1958 "A Great Day in Harlem" photo [ed. note: pictured above and discussed in detail here and here] by Art Kane.

For the original, Kane assembled close to 60 members of the jazz community in New York's Harlem neighborhood — including Count Basie, Thelonious Monk, Dizzy Gillespie and Henry "Red" Allen [ed. note: oh yeah and Art Blakey, Charles Mingus, Coleman Hawkins, Gerry Mulligan, Oscar Pettiford, Sonny Rollins, and Lester Young; but admittedly not Lil Wayne] — to pose together. The ATL gathering will be part of the upcoming MTV special "My Block: Atlanta."
Even overlooking the absense of Lil Jon and, ohidunno, Outkast, I fear some readers will fail to recognize the cultural high water mark that is the documentation of the Rubberband Man standing arm-in-arm with the man behind the Snowman t-shirt controversy and He Who Keeps Hoes In Different Area Codes. To which I would say, bear in mind that Atlanta is a city rich in culture, where the playas play, and they ride on them things like every day. Big beats, hit streets, gangstas roamin'.... And the parties don't stop til eight in the mornin'. Still not sold? Well prepare to be enlighted, bitches.
"This is something real big for the city," boasted Young Jeezy, who was standing next to T.I.

"It's a positive thing," legendary producer Rico Wade of Organized Noize said. "It's a blessing that MTV's showing Atlanta love. And it's a blessing that we got the people, we got the talent."

"The A-Town sticks together," Boyz N Da Hood member Jody Breeze testified. "It's an honor to be a part of all this. It's another step for us. It's another big move for the A to bring us closer together."

"It's beautiful," agreed Jermaine Dupri, who was holding his bulldog Slash on a Louis Vuitton leash [ed. note: italics mine]. "I think it's way overdue, but I think it's great that we as a city did everything we could possibly do to get to this point. I look around and I say you can't look at this picture, you gonna have to listen to this picture today."
I admit it isn't entirely clear, but I think what Dupri means is that you'll be forced to listen to this picture as it was particularly sunny during the shoot and there's just way too much glare in some playas' grills for you to wanna fuck up your eyes looking at it.

A possible fringe benefit to all this, a spin-off series of copycat photos in other metropolises may enable the St. Lunatics to extend unemployment benefits.

Yeah, But I Actually Stole it From Steve Allen.

Today at Defamer there's this.

Couple months back, I posted this.

Yeah, I know, we're not really scooping them. I'm also aware that Lisanti probably never has nor will he ever read this blog. But inadvertantly or not, he did steal my poorly articulated joke. So this is me sticking my tongue out at him. So there.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Contrails: Our Banner Is Better Than Yours

Anyone notice our smoking hot new banner? We're excruciatingly excited about this recent development, and would like to express our endless appreciation to the considerable talents of Matthew Parker, who designed both the banner and our logo. Mr. Parker will unfortunately learn the hard way that you can dress us up, but you sure as hell can't take us out.
  • MTV begs the question, "what could the next three [Harry Potter] films in the series look like if, say, someone like David Cronenberg or Quentin Tarantino were heading them up?" In lieu of answering that already ridiculous question, they pick the brains of Chris Stokes (You Got Served), Sam Mendes (Jarhead), and Josh Stolberg (Kids In America). Oh, and Gregg Araki (don't even get us started).
  • After a failed attempt to reason with his teacher on the shoddy ethics of animal dissection, Laguna Beach star Talan Torriero struck a deal granting him course credit, but requiring him to wed his senior biology project. Now he's walkin' all fancy, showing up at pop star Omarion's 21st birthday celebration and making a big show of his unwillingness to go on record about the C-list clown car where he tenderly shared an inebriated fender bender with no less than Paris Hilton. As if anyone was asking.
  • Proving the desperate need for tough legislation on torture, Star Magazine's ruthless interrogators squeeze testimony from an unnamed source that Stavros Niarchos III dumped Paris Hilton on November 13th because she's too wild and out of control. Star maintains that no unethical or unlawful means were used to obtain this information, yet they also claim that the source volutarily revealed that Stavros told Paris, "'I need time to reflect. I should have been home today studying."
  • Radar reports that over 120 crew members have already abandoned the shoot for Michael Mann's big screen treatment of back-in-vogue TV series Miami Vice. "And it’s not just the key grips," says Radar. No, they actually said that. I'm serious. Moreover, I never trifle with grips. And you shouldn't either.
  • I know it's been kind of quiet on the Jessica Simpson front lately, so here's a rekindled story about what's-his-names improprieties at a bachelor party sex show with porn star Jessica Jaymes. She and three porno-hangers-on are asking $1 Million for the exclusive rights to their steamy story. Generally speaking, when the public fails to believe one uncompensated adult entertainer's story, it's a sign that an extortion campaign by four adult entertainers should be smooth sailing.
  • Meanwhile, publicist Brad Cafarelli severed his relationship with client Jessica Simpson. Reports indicate that Superdad Joe was a little too super for Cafarelli's tastes.
  • Lionel Richie says stress is to blame for Nicole Richie's dwindling frame. [Via Defamer]
  • Finally, check out Page Six gettin' all feline with Jennifer Aniston!

UPDATED: Everybody's Got Something To Hide, Except For....

Page Six reports:
PARIS Hilton's new pet monkey, Baby Luv...
That's pretty much the story, folks. Paris has a monkey, and sees fit to refer to it as Baby Luv. The story details Baby Luv's behavior while lingerie shopping in Las Vegas last weekend, which can best be characterized as simian.

UPDATE: Baby Luv is a kinkajou, which is an illegal species in the state of California. According to the Chicago Tribune, Hilton could be committing a misdemeanor by keeping the critter.

A spokesperson for the
California Department of Fish and Game says their first action will be to send Hilton a letter making her aware of the violation. To which Hilton's flack says, "If she receives a letter from the Fish and Game people, I'm sure it will be reviewed and acted upon accordingly." To which a spokesperson for PETA says, "It seems she thinks animals are as disposable as her friends and fiances." To which U.N. Spacy says, "Not even cute."

Genie In A Bubblebath Bottle

From-a-distance photos of Xtina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman's Star Wars convention wedding to went down on Saturday, as anticipated. Lord knows what sort of Redman-riding antics the 150 wedding guests witnessed, as the Daily Mail reports that each was required to sign a three-page confidentiality agreement. Although such draconian measures may strike some as extreme, it has already been discovered that one guest attempted to sell a wedding announcent (which, it should be mentioned, was a two-foot box of flowers). Celebrity guests included Justin Timberlake, Cameron Diaz, Carmen Electra, Nelly, Pink, and Drew Barrymore. [Pic via A Socialite's Life]

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Contrails: "Ay Yo! What The Shizzy Is A 'Por Favor,' B?!?"

It's just after 9:00 on a Saturday morning, so I'm fairly comfortable confessing that today's Contrails items were pretty much all discovered at the esteemed Goldenfiddle.
  • I hear that Missy Elliott has no less than three instant messaging accounts. "One for friends, one for business, and one for porn." Wanna know where I heard this? From David Byrne, that's where.
  • Supposedly these pictures depict K. Fed's debit card being declined. That, or the last customer tapped the "Espanol" key.
  • Xtina Aguilera and her perpetually not heinous boyfriend Jordan Bratman are set to marry this evening at the Staglin Family Winery in Napa Valley. Rest assured, Aguilera's dress has been custom made to assure clear nipple-ring visibility in photos taken withing a twenty-yard range.
  • "We had these boards at home and every time my sister Nicky and I did something good or did a chore we'd get a star and then we'd get things. That's the reason I'm so motivated and successful now. I think that did something for me." I submit that as Paris Hilton spoke these words, kid brother Barron ran a soldering iron through the head of a Furby. Confronted about it later, he had absolutely no memory of the event.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Laguna Bitch

Yes, unlikely as it is, we are being asked to believe that the image to our left is an accurate representation of Ms. Kimberly Stewart. Yesterday we reported that Paris Hilton's own personal Kimmy Gibbler and Laguna Beach star/Lindsay Lohan ex Talan Torriero have gone and gotten themselves all engaged. Here are further, grislier details, courtesy of MSNBC:
They announced their surprise engagement Wednesday evening at a Los Angeles party for Microsoft’s Xbox. Stewart flashed a 5-carat diamond engagement ring, according to People.
Reports vary on the present duration of the pair's romance, but certainly it's no more than a few weeks old. Unfortunately, not all is joy and laughter, as Page Six reports:
"Talan's mother is hysterically crying. She is not happy."
Joking aside, how happy could a mother really be at the prospect of a welcoming the phermoneless, fright-wigged Jezebel of the C-list into her family. Ack.

Kelly Osbourne Tsk Tsks Stavros Niarchos

Salon reports that Kelly Osbourne was less than thrilled with Stavros Niarchos' hotel-thrashing antics. Among other things, the ensuing evacuation put a quick halt to the 21st birthday party she was having a few floors above.
"Paris's stupid boyfriend ruined my 21st birthday," she tells U.K. gossip column 3am Girls. For some reason, she says, the hotel manager tried to make her pay for the damage, but she told him to go find Niarchos. "He has enough money -- he's a millionaire with too much spare cash. He's a rich kid, and they don't appreciate anything because they grow up with it all. I find it really annoying."
Niarchos then offered Osbourne $20 to set her head on fire.

Contrails: Turned Away From Exclusive Garment District Eatery, Brandon Davis Calls Elite Models For Delivery

  • Access Hollywood reveals talk of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline starring on Broadway in a revival of Sweet Charity. It's totally gonna suck for Kathy Lee Gifford if her Carnival Cruise ads get one-upped by pop's princess.
  • You know why the world will never know who shot Cam'ron? Because the cops don't care? Nope. We'll never know because Cam "came from the street," and that's just not how he rolls.
  • Who'd want to spend half an hour with the Bluths if they didn't have to?
  • If you've cast aspersions at Chris Brown's intellect recently, you may wanna be gettin' your redact on. Brown explains his newest single: "When you say 'yo' to a girl, whether it be at an amusement park or the mall, [it can be] offensive. It's like, 'Yo, yo, yo,' and the girl will be like, 'What?' That's disrespectful.... But I try to flip it and make it seem like that's the only thing I could say, like, 'Yo, you took my breath away. Can I get your name and number and talk to you for awhile?'" Swoon, ladies. Swoon.
  • Here's a tip: While eating sushi, try to avoid gazing at length at Brandon Davis "eating" a model's face. But it's a-okay for all you steak-and-potatoes fellas.

"Would Maybe Consider" Is The New "Hell Yeah! I Hit That Shit Like A Porn Star!"; "Would Be Open To" The New "Sure, I Do That All The Time!"

Sayeth Fergie: "I haven't had any surgery but I would maybe consider a nip and a tuck.... I would be open to botox." [Via Cityrag]

In Case The Whole 'Blender' Sucking Thing Still Has To Be Explained To Anyone...

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Introducing Agent Stoli Summer

The New York Daily News reports:
Tara Reid, celebrating her 30th birthday in Miami, was "drinking straight from magnums of Champagne," says a spywitness. "By 4 a.m., she had to be carried out of the bar by her friends." Before her conspicuous exit, she told friends that she preserved her anonymity by using the alias "Stoli Summer."

Helpless In The Face Of A Triple-Dog-Dare, Talan Torriero Proposes To Kimberly Stewart.

Story here. In sum,

The Simple Life

Taradise

Laguna Beach

Conspicuously absent from the list? Extreme Makeover. [Pic Courtesy A Socialite's Life]

See What Happens When 30 Well-Hung Phantoms Of The Opera STOP Fucking Polite, And START Fucking Real

From the tirelessly entertaining LA Craigslist:
Want to Fuck a Reality Star - w4m - 22

Former Reality Actress is looking for 30 guys for Porn. $100 pay - w4m

Beautiful reality actress from MTV Real World is doing her first independent porn. We are searching for 30 very good looking guys to be in video shoot. Must be very good looking, be in great shape, and have an extra large penis.
All guys that will be featured in the film will be in masks (think phantom of the opera eye masks), so strong jaw line, and pretty eyes are a must

Casting this Monday from 10pm-1am in Hollywood, shooting next weekend in this is in or around Hollywood
Oh, and...
no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
If you're thinking showing up for this casting call, keep in mind that pretty eyes are a must. And while no specific Real World participant is named, this story seems somehow incomplete without...
[Via Defamer]

This is Your Brain.

Kids, this is what happens when you stop doing drugs.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Contrails: Wo! Man Of The Year Is Aniston In Latest GQ

  • Demonically rich fuckers James and Loren Ridinger make an early bid for the widespread contempt of disgustingly shallow daughter Amber with a $500,000.00 bat mitzvah celebration that involved a Playboy Playmate and persons under investigation by the FBI. Also musical performances by Ja Rule and Ashanti, whose career (in this instance there's really no call for the plural form) has in no way gone into laughable decline.
  • Jennifer Aniston is GQ's first ever Woman Of The Year. Over-forties take note, girlfriend's rockin' the no-shirt for the cover. Note that stories on Jen this year have given People its best-seller for the year, Vanity Fair its best-selling issue of all time, and Us readers more involuntary afternoon naps than in any previous year.
  • Looks like Jigga's got 100 problems as of Monday. And it looks like 2 Live Crew were right all along - white-collar people really were tryin' to grab their style.
  • 50 Cent has plans to go into book publishing, starting with a series of short novels featuring the members of Mr. Cent's G-Unit squad in gritty adventures. Page Six cites Iceberg Slim and Donald Goines as Mr. Cent's literary influences, which is actually kind of cool, but in all probability these will read like third-tier J.L.A. with cuss words.
  • To close this mini hip-hop roundup, Nas says he's working with DJ Premier on his next record. I shouldn't hafta tell you that this is awesome.

Stavros And Pals Throw Tables, Flood Hotel Rooms, Cause Thousands Of Dollars In Damage

Yesterday we told you a little story about Stavros Niarchos III and a hotel fire. Today further details emerge, which contradict and obscure much of what we previously reported. I personally prefer yesterday's post, for the single reason that it's a lot more fun to blame everything on a mob of rebellious Greek shipping heirs dancing shirtless in neo-pagan ritual around a torched queen-sized mattress. However, in the interest of keeping darling Paris Hilton at or near the top of the page, I present today's update, courtest of MSNBC.
The melee broke out at Kelly Osbourne’s 21st birthday bash at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas. Hilton and Niarchos were at the party when a playful pillow fight got rowdy and, at about 7:30 in the morning, a table was thrown, breaking a sprinkler head and setting off flooding, fire alarms, and evacuations, according to the Las Vegas Review-Journal.

Shipping heir Niarchos was spotted without his shirt and with feathers in his long hair, while his bodyguard dismissed the damage, telling a hotel staffer that it would all be paid for.

But Hilton — whose family owns the hotel — was reportedly distraught, and according to one report yelled at Niarchos: “I don’t want Hard Rock to think I bring in people who do this stuff.”

Nor do we, Paris. Nor do we.

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 562 - Nov. 21, 2005 (Aniston By 11)

No typo there, Aniston really did take the gold by an eleven-image margin. This week's Death Match numbers are all kinds of weird. Aside from Aniston predictably winning again, almost nothing here plays out as expected.

(1) Jennifer Aniston. 23 images.
Right now you'd hafta be a fool to bet against Jen in these Matches, but by this enormous a margin? Well, the story here is not nearly as awe-inspiring as you might think. Apparently Jen was once on some show called Friends, the tenth season of which has only yesterday been issued for home viewing on digital video disc. A full-page advertisement for the entire DVD collection gains Jen no less than fourteen shots. Which is fortunate, 'cause a "lover's stroll" with Vince only rates her two.

(2) Julia Roberts. 12 images.
Julia's astonishingly inexplicable cover story covers the first birthday of her twin children. Just the birthday, not a swanky, celeb-laden birthday party. This is classic Baby Machine Weekly fluff. There is no scandal here, no excitement. Just a star and her progeny. Believe me when I tell you that the words "hot homemaker" appear together on several occasions.

(3) Matt LeBlanc. 11 images.
Pulling a Shannon Elizabeth this month, everyone's favorite star of everyone's least favorite sitcom greedily clutches to eleven paid-placement shots, taking home a less-than-dignified bronze.

(4) Ashlee Simpson. 9 images.
This really hasn't been Jessica's month. Her marriage is crumbling, but Ashlee is "determined" for her latest album to "be huge." Also she's convulsively hideous, and was recently captured on tape acting like a rude, white-wine-concussed beast. Reports from Toronto's Spuntini Ristorante claim that Ash had four or five glasses of wine over three hours before her now-infamous McDonald's performance. Unless "glasses" means "glass carafes," I find that figure more than a little suspect.

(5) Courtney Cox. 7 images.
(tie) Kate Hudson. 7 images.
Friends' wrath rages on, leaving Lisa Kudrow, Matthew Perry, and David Schwimmer (6 each) scratching their heads and firing their agents. Kate Hudson, for her part, is thin in a way that isn't flattering, which means Us points the scornful starvation finger, all the while running pics of Teri Hatcher on a jog, printing Jen's stay-thin diet tips, and breathlessly hand-jobbing J.Simp for her workout regimen. But hey, seven pics is seven pics is seven pics, and I doubt you'll hear any serious complaints from Hudson.

Other twinkly stars in your autumn sky include newly single Leonardo DiCaprio, Eva Longoria, Richard Gere, Scarlett Johansson, and Reese Witherspoon with five shots apiece. Leo's ex, Gisele Bündchen, doesn't fare as well, with two. Katie Holmes, Angelina Jolie, and Jessica Simpson each double as well. Pitiable singles are sheepishly offered by U.N. Spacy faves Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie, and by Baby Machine Weekly regulars Jennifer Garner, Denise Richards. Oh, and forget Paris....

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Party at Cisco's Place!


That's K-fed on the left there. That other dude is like a brother or cousing or something. What is it with these guys? Next thing you know, Jeff Foxworthy's publicist will let out with the news that he's screwing Ashlee Simpson. Also, if you look real hard, you can see all the cup-Ramen in those shopping bags. Mmmm, Corona and Ramen. Just what a healthy baby needs.

OMG IS TAHT SMITH J FROM SITC?!?!

I don't really have anything to say about it except to say that you must read this. If it's true, it's the funniest thing ever.

Stavros And Pals Start Fire, Flood Hotel Rooms, Cause Thousands Of Dollars In Damage

What the hell, let's squeeze two posts out of one Page Six item!
[Paris] Hilton's boyfriend, Stavros Niarchos III, was up to monkey business of his own. In one of the Hard Rock rooms paid for by Niarchos, his bonehead buddies started a fire Sunday morning. The blaze set off the sprinkler system which flooded a dozen rooms, a hotel source says. We're told Niarchos agreed to put $25,000 in damages on his credit card, but he'll likely have to pony up a lot more cash. "The damage may be closer to $100,000," says our source.
It is not yet confirmed whether this mishap resulted from a Cuervo-Petron misunderstanding, nor if the sprinkler-triggering blaze at any previous time held the form of a man of limited means. We'll keep you posted.

Because You're Slow.

Some of you will remember that Tara Reid's 30th birthday was November 8. I posted a little heads up, right here. Not a big to-do. Defamer had already done a wonderful job. In fact, a few days later, they managed to snag a scan of the party invitation. Pretty awesome, right? Well, that was November 11. The party, as you can see, was scheduled for the following day, the 12th. Today is the 15th. There's finally some party coverage up at Defamer, A Socialite's Life and The Superficial. Which would be fine except it's all about how Tara didn't make a fool of herself because her mom was there. Big whoop. Sounds to me like somebody shit in a couple of bloggers' cereal. On top of that nonsense, I Don't Like You In That Way actually reports on the birthday itself just today! That story's accompanied by not unflattering pictures of Tara arriving at her party, followed by some remark about how they're gonna dig up those drunk photos any second now.

Guys, seriously. I know it's a slow news day. But at this point, running stories about how Tara didn't get wasted does not qualify as a hot story. And snaps about her being drunk? Somebody find me a cop and a donut or something. I forget how the joke goes.

And while I'm at it, remember this? I posted that like a week ago! So why is A Socialite's Life today running pictures from that same shoot? Seriously guys, you are all asleep at your respective switches. I have proven once and for all that U.N. Spacy is better than all y'all. Break yourself.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Raging Inferno Narrowly Averted By Simpson Girls

"Ashlee is so stupid."

So this is where well all yell, "How stupid is she?"

"Ashlee is so stupid she left the popcorn in the microwave and almost burned the house down."

Oh man, that's juicy!!!

Gross.

I can't decide if this is a publicity stunt or if Jack here is about to sue the producers of Jarhead for releasing his audition photos. Either way, I just ralphed my Honey Nut Cheerios. End communication.

Yippie-Kai-Yay.

"I am baffled to understand why the things that I saw happening in Iraq, really good things happening in Iraq, are not being reported on." That's a quote from superstar action hero Bruce Willis. I suppose he's trying to remedy that situation now by creating his own news. Page Six reports the following:
Willis is such a die-hard patriot [ed: Ha-fucking-ha.] that he's offering $1 million to any civilian who turns in terror kingpins Osama bin Laden, Ayman al-Zawahiri or Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.
This is simply retarded. But it's not more retarded than the time a friend of mine, who at the time was a young boy, met Bruce Willis, who promptly told the child to "Fuck off."

Friday, November 11, 2005

Coming This Christmas: Furry, Heated B-Cups

The Associated Press reports:
Furry, heated bras may soon appear in some Japanese wardrobes as the country prepares for "Warm Biz" - a nationwide government campaign urging workers to bundle up and save energy on heating this winter.

The Warm Biz Bra, unveiled this week by Tokyo-based underwear maker Triumph International, is lined with material that the company says helps save warmth.

The bra also has removable pads that can be heated in a microwave or hot water - as well as long, furry straps that wrap around the neck like a scarf, and matching shorts.

"Warm Biz lets you add a little fun and chic to office wear, and prevents global warming," Triumph says.

In an attempt to cut energy use, Japan's government has recommended setting thermostats this winter at 19 degrees Celsius (66 degrees Fahrenheit) for government buildings, and 20 degrees Celsius (68 degrees Fahrenheit) for private companies.

The government said this year's June-August "Cool Biz" campaign - which had bureaucrats and politicians sporting open-collar, short-sleeve shirts to cut down on air conditioning - saved 210 million kilowatt hours, enough to power 720,000 households for a month.

Western fashionistas have overwhelmingly turned their noses up at seasonally appropriate fads, but goddamnit, these bras come with dangling chili pepper pendants! My concern - and this is not a laughing matter, people - is that the arrival of garments that might actually compliment the bulk of Sienna Miller's footwear will spark a complete overhaul of the British star's wardrobe, which could be the precarious Jenga piece that brings down the entire UGG empire. If there's a silver lining to this blackest of clouds, it's that a sudden and catastrophic abandonment of millions of oversized, shaggy, unnaturally-pigmented boots could offer Jessica Simpson an opportunity to relaunch her erstwhile world-saving campaign. It's getting pretty cold in Pakistan right now, and those boots are faux-fur-lined, cozy, and exceedingly stylish....

Contrails: Shockwaves, Bitches. Shockwaves.

  • Stacy Ferguson, aka Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas, has been tapped for a role in the next season of The Sopranos. She will play an undercover cop operating in a mafia-owned stip club. No, I will not mention pants-wetting in this post. Unless you count mentioning my refusal to mention it.... Damnit!
  • Remember that humongous 24-carat engagement ring Paris Hilton flaunted for much of this year? Page Six says it didn't come from Paris Latsis, and that it wasn't even real. Shockwaves, bitches. Shockwaves.
  • Arrested Development is, once again, fighting for its life. Already Fox has cut back its order to thirteen episodes of the series, and plans to pull the show from its programming schedule during sweeps. Is it just me, or is it fucking uncanny how this show's perpetually imperiled situation parallels that of the Bluth Company?
  • You know what this crazy mixed up world needs? Mischa Barton's autobiography, that's what! Says Barton, "I was starring opposite Julia Roberts at the age of twelve, that's already a big enough story!" Not only that, Mischa, it's everything modern literature's been starving for.
  • Oh and people are saying that Angelina Jolie's about t'fixin' to go public with her romance with Brad Pitt. Shockwaves, bitches. Shockwaves.

Critics Savage 50 Cent's 'Get Rich'

WENN/IMDb News ran a piece yesterday in which Get Rich Or Die Tryin' subject/star Curtis Jackson, aka 50 Cent, mumbled something about his acting being crazy good because he didn't have to imagine what it was like to be that character, he was that character. Because WENN/IMDb News kind of sucks, that story has already disappeared, and there just isn't enough weekday left in me to bother Googling for it. Anyways, I offer that uncited comment as a counterpoint to the damn good time that can be had at Rotten Tomatoes, where you can read a cross section of the press on this movie. Suffice it to say that you'll probably be left with the impression that Mr. Cent might wanna rely a little more on that imagination thing next time. Here are some samples, which showcases the poor critical reception Get Rich has been enjoying, and suggests that film reviewers relish the opportunity to regress into knee-slap territory.

Sean Burns, Philadelphia Weekly
It's a floundering, embarrassing movie--one that comes off so amateurish you feel a little guilty for ragging on it.[...]

As so much of hip-hop relies upon adopting a fictional persona, it's not surprising to see rappers forging promising acting careers. On one hand you've got Tupac Shakur, Will Smith, Ice Cube, Mark Wahlberg, Ice-T, LL Cool J, Sean Combs and Andre Benjamin. On the other hand you've got 50 Cent.

This kid stinks. Wandering through most of Get Rich or Die Tryin' with a blank, gobsmacked expression and mumbling most of his lines inaudibly, Fitty can't even be bothered to act interested in his own life story.

Devin Faraci, CHUD.com
50 spends the film with one look on his face, and it’s the look that you imagine a caveman would have when confronted with a cellphone.

Pete Vonder Haar, Film Threat
Think of it as Mariah Carey’s Glitter, only with more murders.

Yahoo! Movie Mom
At least he makes his priorities clear; it's not called Make A Good Movie Or Die Tryin'.

David Frese, Kansas City Star
50? Well as an actor, he's a great rapper.

Laura Sinagra, Village Voice
You may die tryin' to stop laughin'.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Contrails: Who Wants To Buy A Hilton Polaroid?

  • After putting up such a big fight to beat a murder rap only two months ago, rap star Beanie Sigel is going behind bars one again, this time for failing to pay $26,000.00 in child support. At least he has another opportunity to "speak the truth, the truth, nothin' but the truth!," if you know what I'm sayin', and I think ya do. (Actually, I strongly suspect you don't.)
  • MSNBC reports that Nicole Richie's been getting a series of prank-calls lately, and she suspects Paris Hilton is behind them. We'd try to add something to this story, but Defamer's already taken us to the cleaners on this one.
  • Speaking of the Hiltons (and we're always speaking of the Hiltons), wanna buy photographs of a 15-year-old Kathy Hilton? Hold on, before you answer that question, can I mention that the seller uses the term "spread eagled." Probably that'll sway your decision - just don't tell us which way.
  • Jessica Simpson, whose leaked "Fired Up" single is straight pants, is drawing criticism for her wedding anniversary solo trip to Africa. Supposedly an Operation Smile humanitarian visit, she took time off under the pretense of sudden illness, which she reportedly used to go on a safari. However, Operation Smile's response is that this was "scheduled downtime."

"Big Void" Now Single Void

After a week or so of hits, allegations, and rumors, it really does look like Gisele Bündchen and Leonardo DiCaprio have split. Gisele's people say so, anyway. See for yourself:
Proooonto, acabou. Passô, passô... Gisele Peitchen, a Bündchen, está oficialmente solteira. Depois de trocentas "terminadas" publicadas pelos tablóides, a sua empresária confirmou hoje que ela e Leonardo DiCaprio, enfim, não estão mais dividindo as escovas de dente.

"Sim, Gisele e Leonardo terminaram", afirmou Mônica Monteiro, sem querer falar sobre os motivos que levaram ao fim. Tem gente dizendo que é Sienna Miller, da parte dele, e Kelly Slater, o surfista, da parte dela.

"Gisele não é o tipo de mulher que termina um relacionamento e engata logo outro", declarou a empresária.

Cá entre nós, foda-se quem eles estão pegando... Tem gente que pega 8 pessoas por noite e ninguém fala nada... Get a Life, gente.
Not much confusion over that, I'd say. But seriously folks, roughly translated, Mônica Monteiro confirms that, "Yes, Gisele and Leonardo have finished." Monteiro passes on graphic details, but does warn, "Gisele is not the type of woman who finishes a relationship and hooks up with another one soon."

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Contrails: Paris Paris Paris Paris Paris Paris Paris

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 561 - Nov. 14, 2005 (Aniston By 2)

Alotta big names this week, but not much in the way of action. Twelve images takes home the gold, and seven gets you on the podium. I get the impression that no one's really relishing their victories these days. I'm not sure what's needed to spice things up here, but it's needed dearly.

(1) Jennifer Aniston.
12 images.
There is literally a pictorial chronicling her evening outfits for each night of her last trip to Manhattan. Among the revelations contained in this issue - and this is pretty interesting - the blazer Aniston wore at 4:00pm on October 28th is the same one she wore on December 19th of last year! No kidding!

(2) Britney Spears. 10 images.
Apparently this whole Britnet-K.Fed thing isn't working out so well. Shit gets heavy in Us's journalistic inquiry into their tough times. On October 30th, the pair took in an evening show of Elizabethtown at an Agoura Hills theater. There Britney rested her head on Kevin's shoulder. "It's a romantic comedy too," says one witness. "That says something." Fucking A it does!

(3) Jessica Simpson.
8 images.
We could only cackle maniacally for so long. It was sweet while it lasted. So sweet.

(tie) Angelina Jolie. 8 images.
Ange got the kids and the Brad together for a day at the beach in an unbeatable ploy to reclaim some of her lately faded glory. This shoot has all the glamour and danger of such high water marks as Brad and Ange's sexy adults-only Canadian grocery run.

(5) Brad Pitt. 7 images.
Do you remember the Pillsbury slice-and-bake ghost cookies? Do you? Even Maddox and Zahara net five images apiece!

(tie) Kevin Federline. 7 images.
This week's long-awaited skewering of Britney Spears inexplicable marriage to Kevin Federline offered little evidence, but plenty of shit-talking on K. Fed. Us resorts to the kind of no-holds-barred tough love they've recently used on Jessica Simpson's marriage to, uh, what's-his-name. The words "smoking marijuana" are deployed, best read aloud in a hushed voice. Once again, Us lets Shar Jackson out of that gimp-chest in the basement, but only long enough to make a few open snipes at Britney (who she couldn't get on the phone if she worked in distribution for Frito-Lay): "C'mon, kiddo, did you think things were going to be different?" Just before Us zips closed the mouthpiece of her mask, Jackson endeavors to speak to Kevin's defense. "In this industry, partying is almost work. That is how you meet people. So if she thinks he is going to be a stay-at-home dad, he can't afford to do that." I want to wish Jackson a speedy recovery from the hearing loss that doubtless resulted, despite the ear-insulating protection of her rubber mask, from the defeaning hyena-like laughter that followed her comments.

Evangeline Lilly scores five shots, most of them spent making out with a hobbit. Other notables include Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Jennifers Garner and Lopez, Hilary Duff, Rachel McAdams, Xtina Aguilera, Cameron Diaz, Charlize Theron, and Jake Gyllenhaal, each netting four shots. Less impressive are Katie Holmes (3), Tom Cruise (1), Reese Witherspoon (1), and Sienna Miller (1).

Contrails: Jennifer Love-Hewitt Loses $40 In Cunning, Diabolical Rip-Off Scheme

  • Too busy chatting on her celly to fill her own tank, Jennifer Love Hewitt reportedly paid some random guy at the gas station $40 to pump gas for her. Perhaps the back-arching princess was busy ordering beds for dreamy Matt Damon, because she failed to notice that dude never put any gas in her tank, pocketing the money instead. Her Mini Cooper went empty not long later, and she had to get out and push (her car, not her tits together -- under the circumstances, I think clarification is called for).
  • 50 Cent says there's no place for homosexuality in hip-hop. According to Mr. Cent, "Being gay isn't cool - it's not what the music is based on. There's always been conflict at the center of hip-hop, because it's all about which guy has the competitive edge, and you can't be that aggressive if you're gay.... I mean, some rappers are fruity, but they don't say they're gay out in the open." DVD to follow featuring cheap animation depicting every major figure in hip-hop acting all fruity while Mr. Cent punches stuff.
  • Lindsay Lohan's talking college. To get, like, a university degree. She has her sights set on New York University, for its widely respected philosophy department easy proximity to London and L.A.
  • She knows you wanna know about fights with Brad Pitt and humpin' with Vince Vaughn. But you know what Jennifer Aniston wants to know? Jennifer Aniston wants to know "why Steve Perry left Journey." So there.
  • What's the deal with Defamer and Page Six running this story that U.N. Spacy covered like forty days and forty nights ago? It's like a fine wine, this story. It needs time to age and develop a distinct character. Unfortunately, U.N. Spacy's staff are the sort of winos who lack appreciation for those finer qualities.

Lohan Reportedly Added To 'Factory Girl' Roster

All apologies to anyone confused by the above headline, but I'm afraid this story has very little to do with My Size LiLo blow-up dolls.

Sienna Miller will portray fashion icon and Andy Warhol superstar Edie Sedgwick in Factory Girl. Now that she's already sporting the new do, it's about time to start casting for some of the other Warhol scenesters. Rumored to be taking on the part of the amphetamine-doling Brigid Berlin (aka Brigid Polk) is none other than Lindsay Lohan. In case you aren't already dumbstruck, this is Berlin (with Warhol):

I feel it should be mentioned that I'm not making any of this up. Also not made up is the fact that Berlin was a much sought-after role, and LiLo only narrowly beat out Mary-Kate Olsen for the part on the strength of her audition (really, wouldn't you prefer to think they were doing screen tests for FG?).

Unsure whether it's too soon to abandon a once-bubbling enthusiasm for this film, most at U.N. Spacy's offices have prepared themselves for anyone short of Justin Timberlake for the role of Ondine.

Maybe They'll Both Do "Simple Life 4".

My Lady Paris has gone and done it. She's proven once and for all that she's not quite as stupid as everyone thinks. From IMDb Celebrity News (last item):
Madonna has slammed celebrity socialite Paris Hilton for using Kabbalah as a fashion accessory. The Like A Virgin singer is a dedicated follower of the mystical offshoot of Judaism, along with her film director husband Guy Ritchie and she insists it takes more to be a "believer" than simply wearing a trendy Kabbalah wristband. Madonna tells website The Scoop, "People like Paris Hilton come into a centre and buy a book or a band and that's it for them. It doesn't mean they study it. It's very hard to be a believer. I'm very serious about it."
Snap! Wait. No. This means that, even though she bought that Kabbalah paraphernalia, Paris was only doing it for a good reason. The best reason, in fact. To be cool. To fit in with the other kids. Funny thing about all this is that if Madonna would spit in bottles of water and hawk it on the internet, it'd probably outsell Kabbalah water 2 to 1. Might even actually have a physical effect.

Raise a Glass, Bitches.

They did it better than I ever could over here. My little girl's all growsed up.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Welcome to the Suck.

I had a couple hours to waste last night, so I went and saw Jarhead, the new Sam Mendes film. It's about a bunch of Marines during Gulf War I. As sure as God made little green apples, this movie is a piece of shit. Normally I wouldn't bother to write about something this crappy, but it just made me so angry that I have to put out some kind of public warning.

It's been discussed at length and the consensus is that most war films are, by nature, anti-war. Very rarely are they anti-soldier. This one is. Each and every character in the film, to a man, talks about only two things. Getting laid and killing Iraqis. And not in that order. This is a film about a bunch of assholes who hang out in the desert partying and waiting for their chance to take lives. One guy is so hard up to shoot something that he brags to his friends about murdering a camel.

And if I see one more film in which a character I'm meant to believe is tough, calculating and jaded sees a dead person and vomits, thus indicating the depths of his soulfulness and remorse, I will never watch a movie again. Especially if that character was, in a previous scene, extolling the virtues of executing brown people.

I don't want to believe that American troops are like this. I don't wish harm on anyone. But I hate these characters. If they exist in reality, then I hate the real people.

I learned one thing from watching Jarhead. The only thing worse than an idiot is a bloodthirsty idiot, which is what these guys are. Fuck you, Sam Mendes.

Wanna Buy a Shoppin' Cart?

This is further proof that rich folks like to slum it. And no, I'm not talking about the beer, although that doesn't help. For those of you that don't know, that's not the world's luckiest hobo, that's Cisco Adler, and he's Mischa Barton's boyfriend. Gack. Actually, maybe he is the world's luckiest hobo.

Nah.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Contrails: Okay, Let's Say You Need Help Skinning A Pig And Plucking A Quail. Which Desperate Housewife Do You Call? You Can Only Choose One....

  • Initially branding it a botched car-jacking, Cam'ron now speculates that the gunshot wounds he sustained on October 23rd might've been a part of a more sinister plot. Oh, and then he compares himself to Malcom X and Martin Luther King, Jr. But don't go taking offense, Cam draws this comparison only because, like himself, "they both were great leaders."
  • Eva Longoria, as quoted in Us Weekly: "I can handle a gun. I can skin a deer. I can skin a pig. I can pluck a quail. You name it, I've done it."
  • Rachel McAdams, again in Us, discusses a pair of birthmarks on her neck. "They do, indeed, look as though Dracula has snacked there."
  • Finally, for those of you who had the sound judgement to bypass that clip from Kevin Federline's rap debut, here's another opportunity to test your prudence: transcribed lyrics from Kevin Federline's rap debut. U.N. Spacy's prediction is that y'all gonna hate it. It's straight 2008. But we know that you can't wait. 'Cause we're told people are always asking when's the release date.... Okay, that was fun for a sec, but I question whether my own gleeful amusement will translate into reader pleasure.

50 Cent Dotes On Jadakiss, Says He Wouldn't "Absolutely Like To See Him Suffer"

Rap star 50 Cent is quick to call out rivals, but won't hesitate to later extend a caring message of peace. This week's recipient of Mr. Cent's benevolent favors? Ruff Ryders/Lox shining star Jadakiss - who asks too many questions, by the way (ha!). Monday on MTV Radio Mr. Cent gushes about of Jadakiss,
"I don't resent him to the point where I'd absolutely like to see him suffer."
Not only that, Mr. Cent suggested that he'd be interested in working on Jadakiss's next album. Given Cent's open attacks on Jadakiss, this is a considerable development.
"There are other options and opportunities that may open up for [Jada] in the future," 50 said. "If he's smart enough to explore them, there is a possibility. I'm trying to build my company as fast as possible. There's unlimited possibilities."
Mr. Cent's been recruiting MCs for his G-Unit team like he's rolling a goddamn katamari (Mase?!?). However, in this instance Mr. Cent clarifies that this does not necessarily translate into an official G-Unit invite, even though such "G-vites" are easier to come by nowadays than gmail invitations.
"I didn't say I would sign him.... I said I didn't dislike him.... I only wrote two lines about Jadakiss [on 'Piggy Bank']."
Better not to reopen still-healing wounds, Mr. Cent. Or....
"I said, 'I'll do your little ass like Jay-Z did Mobb Deep.'"
I'm not really sure that this is the best tactic to winning Jadakiss over. But perhaps I'm not reading far enough into this lyric. Although I understand Cent's words literally, and I think I'm tuned into at least some of the finer nuances of his simile, I'm struggling to understand the understated subtext of this remark.
"That was 'put you on the Summer Jam screen.'"
Ah, I see! So, in "doing" Jadakiss's diminutive ass (that doesn't sound at all homoerotic, by the way) in a manner similar or comparable to the way Jay-Z did the Queensbridge murderer's respective asses, Mr. Cent was really doing the man a solid.
"That wasn't a disrespectful enough insult to stop Mobb Deep from doing business with me, and they made the best-performing record of their career with [50 Cent collaboration] 'Outta Control.' It went to the top 10 in all formats."
I know I've suggested it on these pages before, but now we've heard it straight from the horse's mouth. 50 Cent is hip-hop's Lindsay Lohan, folks. But will Jada quietly assume the Hilary position? LOX partner Sheek Louch suggests that he certainly will.
"50 will never put out a Kiss record! Ever!"
Neither Jadakiss nor his Ruff Ryders label offered comment on the subject, but if you want my opinion, Jada needs no help from Mr. Cent. Now you could ask, "Why?" But see, then you'd be falling right into his trap. In the interest of preventing that, I'll lay out my evidence immediately.

Compare Mr. Cent's
Go, go, go shorty
It's your birthday
We gonna party like it's your birthday
We gonna sip Bacardi like it's your birthday
And you know we don't give a fuck
It's not your birthday
with the following verses delivered by Jadakiss on a goddamn DMX track:
I hope you aint tongue-kissin your spouse
Cause I be makin' love in her mouth
Type of nigga buck at your house
Too slick? Means she be all on my tip
And before you know it, I'ma have her stuff in my crib
I'll call that case good and rested.