Friday, October 21, 2005

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 559 - Oct. 31, 2005 (Aniston By 4)

Jessica Simpson takes the cover for the third straight week, as Us continues its campaign of reiteration, revisiting more or less the same theories about the breakup they consider definite. At this point even Us seems a little bored of the topic, as reflected by this week's Death Match tallies.

(1) Jennifer Aniston. 14 images.
After weeks of downplaying the rumors, Aniston makes a gigantic public spectacle of what we now know to be her fling with Break Up costar Vince Vaughn. As with all Aniston-related headlines, it makes for pretty dull press.

(2) Denise Richards. 10 images.
Denise Richards is like a stray cat that persistently appears in your kitchen, eating your own cat's food. You don't know how she got in, and you don't know where your own cat is hiding, but there she is. Alright, maybe it's not quite as inexplicable as all that, but still. Apparently Denise went on Ellen DeGeneres's show and said that she's still waiting on a public apology from Charlie Sheen. Considering that way back before they were even married, Denise made a big deal on television about an infidelity clause in their prenuptial agreement, I'm not losing too much sleep over the betrayal and heartbreak she never saw coming.

(3) Jessica Simpson. 9 images.
Oh there you are! After Denise Richards! Is somebody feeling a little neglected? Don't think for a second that this bronze medal isn't the "worst crisis ever" referred to on the cover.

(4) Vince Vaughn. 8 images.
Look at me! I'm makin' out with Rachel from Friends! Bwaaahhh!

(5) Paris Hilton. 7 images.
Yaaaaay!

(tie) Britney Spears. 7 images.
Her get-slim strategies are officially yesterday's papers after three consecutive issues.

Other notables include last week's no-show Sienna Miller, who I'd picked to land in the top 5, managing only 4 images. Nicole Richie nets 6, Lindsay Lohan 5, Jeremy Piven 1, and Kimberly Stewart 1. Katie Holmes shows five times, Tom Cruise 4. And Susan Sarandon lands 4 shots.

I know you'd all love to see me make an ass of myself, but I daren't bet on Sienna a third time.

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