Monday, October 17, 2005

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 558 - Oct. 24, 2005 (Simpson By 4)

Last week I picked Sienna Miller, Paris Hilton, and Katie Holmes to land in the top 5 (Jessica Simpson's showing was assumed). Naturally, I was dead on the money with Holmes, but Paris Hilton is barely even an also-ran this week, and Sienna Miller? Total no-show. Didn't. Appear. Once. Here's the stats.

(1) Jessica Simpson.
18 images.
The second in what promises to be a healthy run of feature stories on the disintegration of Jessica's marriage reveals little in terms of incriminating concrete information, but militantly maintains a tone of unshakable certainty. Her failure to publicly terminate her relationship is here called an "elaborate charade" - and not by "a source," but by Us themselves. Their appearance together in London wearing their wedding bands is cynically described as a staged "marital photo op." Notably, the OK! contract is directly cited, and not without betraying a touch of bitchy disgust. At the end of the day, it all adds up to Jessica beatin' some ass at the ol' Photo Death Match, as is her wont.

(2) Katie Holmes. 14 images.
Katie Holmes is pregnant with Tom Cruise's child - or at least that's what the Cruise camp is telling us. I know it, you know it, Us knows it. Really the only item of interest published here is speculation that Katie is likely already in her second trimester. Considering that the couple's relationship only dates back to April, I'd say they're moving along at quite a clip.

(tie) Nick Lachey. 14 images.
For the love of God, people, I implore you!!! Who is this Nick Lachey???

(4) Tom Cruise. 12 images.
I probably don't even need to tell you that the Oprah couch-dive melee turns up in this issue.

(5) Orlando Bloom. 6 images.
You'll notice that there's quite a slope from position 4 to position 5. Three other stars (Jennifer Aniston, Eva Longoria, and Hilary Duff) netted five pics apiece, and after that a pseudo-democratic hell of evenly-spread celeb coverage busts loose. Anyways, is Bloom dating Kirsten Dunst? It would appear not, as a slew of images feature him makin' cuddly by the sea with previously previous girlfriend Kate Bosworth (by which I mean that they're pretty much back together). I should mention that I almost wrongly awarded this spot to Kirsten Dunst, whom I thought to be Bloom's beach-frolic companion. However, my unerring dedication to the craft demanded the reading of captions, which corrected my error. My point is, line those two up side by side in swimwear and your eyes will never tell them apart. Nor will they wish to linger.

Lindsay Lohan scored four, Paris Hilton three, and Nicole Richie two. Jessica Biel may be Esquire's sexiest woman alive (to which I flash a minimal-effort two-handed 'W'), but she's only Us Weekly's one-picture-est alive. Claire Danes surprises with three shots. And rising star Kristin Cavallari again racks up three images.

Next week I see Britney Spears showing impressively. And I'll again endanger my reputation by saying that Sienna Miller should make the top 5. C'mon people, she just cut her hair, her on-again-off-again fiancee was just named People's Sexiest Man Alive, and the rumor has it she's been balling James Bond!

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