Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 557 - Oct. 17, 2005 (Simpson By 6)

Another late Photo Death Match, I know. Look, I've got a mean cold right now, and I had things to do over the weekend. I'm not your personal dancing monkey - although I'll admit that does sound like a rewarding line of work. Anyway, this week's games are again dominated by the feature articles, but there are a few surprises. And unlike last week, this issue is jampacked with bloodthirsty warriors - specifically three of 2005's blonde all-stars.

(1) Jessica Simpson. 19 images.
At this point there's almost no doubt that Us took umbrage at Jess's exclusive OK! contract. She's barely let in the door for weeks, and then they announce that she's been covering up a failed marriage. But remember, Joe Simpson teaches his daughters to pick themselves up and dust themselves off, and Jessica comes out swinging ferociously this week. I looked it up, and 19 images is generally enough to kill an elephant. It's more than enough to trounce...

(2) Sienna Miller. 13 images.
Finally Us puts its money where its mouth is, and reps for Sienna, whom its employees allegedly look up to or something. Note that all 13 shots appear in a single two-page devotional.

(3) Nick Lachey. 11 images.
Hold up. Seriously, who is Nick Lachey?

(4) Paris Hilton. 10 images.
I'm all aflutter about Paris crossing the double-digit mark for the first time since U.N. Spacy's inauspicious beginning. It's also her first time in the winner's circle since Issue 553, about a month back. And consider that in any other week, this kind of showing would probably earn her a silver. To add to her considerable triumph, Paris Latsis only gets four pictures, while new rival Mary-Kate Olsen musters a mere one pic. If Lady Paris can build on this momentum next week, I'll be one very happy blogger.

(5) Jennifer Garner. 6 images.
(tie) Jennifer Lopez. 6 images.
(tie) Fantasia. 6 images.
The two Jennifers that Ben Affleck has given rings to can only match an American Idol refugee whose "searing memoir" has just been published. Affleck, looks like you need to pull your shit together.

Other points of interest include Demi Moore, who predictably dropped from the Number Two spot to a pathetic single image. Snap! Even Sophia Bush (3) held on longer than that. Eva Longoria, Angelina Jolie, and Jennifer Aniston score five each. Lindsay Lohan appears four times, while Hilary Duff shows up thrice. Mena Suvari appears twice, which means her ex-husband should probably plug in his fax machine. Finally, Laguna Beach star Kristin Cavallari lands three shots, which I'm interpretting as warning shots - we'll be seeing a lot more of this LiLo nemesis before the year's end.

For next week I see Katie Holmes, Paris Hilton, and Sienna Miller all making the top five.

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