Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 556 - Oct. 10, 2005 (Kutcher By 2)

With the breaking news of Jessica Simpson's split from that guy who used to be Jessica Simpson's husband, things like Us Weekly Photo Death Match seem downright trivial. Especially when it's as dull as it is this week (and has been for about three weeks). Lately the Death Matches have been dominated by reliable titans dispassionately besting their lessers, but without any palpable love of the game. Next week I'll give you fireworks. Jessica Simpson pulled some straight-up 1970s women-in-prison shit, busting up her own goddamned marriage just to show Paris Hilton - hot off a newly cancelled engagement - that if Jessica isn't Number 1, it's only because Jessica doesn't want to be. Anyways, let's hurry through this week's snore-fest as quickly as humanly possible.

(1) Ashton Kutcher. 13 images.
(2) Demi Moore. 11 images.
Whether they really did get married or it's all an elaborate Punk'd scheme, it hardly qualifies as gripping news. The thirty-month length of their pre-marital relationship is largely responsible for their impressive Photo Death Match numbers. See, there always has to be a photo timeline, and this one starts waaaaaay back in June 2003, with their second red carpet appearance together. The newlywed's momentum isn't likely to continue, though. They just sold the exclusive wedding coverage rights to Us rival OK! for $3 million.

(3) Jennifer Lopez. 10 images.
J.Lo's new clothing line, inanely called Sweetface, gives the diva cause to open up in a candid interview on the emotional strains of putting on an MTV runway fashion show, childhood memories of Macy's, and insatiable appetites for shoes and jewelry. Oh, and she and Marc Anthony aren't planning on having kids any time soon.

(4) Brad Pitt. 7 images.
(tie) Angelina Jolia. 7 images.
(tie) Taryn Manning. 7 images.
"On September 25, Pitt and Jolie - driving matching silver BMW motorcycles - roared into Safeway in Spruce Grove, Alberta, Canada.... During their 30-minute excursion, Pitt and Jolie (dressed in full biker-chick mode of boots, gloves and racing jacket) selected items such as Special K cereal, pumpkin pie and Pillsbury slice-and-bake ghost cookies. Afterward, they packed their purchases onto the back of their bikes and rode off." Says an onlooker of the errand run, "An adventurous Angelina showed she is everything Jennifer Aniston is not." Oh, and Taryn Manning was on that emergency-landing JetBlue flight.

Britney Spears talks about her new weightloss plan and scores five shots in the process. Jessica Alba shows Us Weekly her third arm, also managing five. Bad girl Nicole Richie lands five shots, three of them from an all-Nicole Who Wore It Best? poll (she gets spanked by Sienna Miller and Carmen Electra, but fucking rips the wig off Jenny McCarthy to the tune of a 98% victory). Hilary Duff scores four, but as usual, two of those are from a Cingular ad. Paris Hilton also scores four (but oh, how many more there will be next week!). Eva Longoria settles for three. Jennifer Aniston and Lindsay lohan take two apiece.

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