Wednesday, October 05, 2005

U.N. Spacy Utterly Dumbfounded By News Of Jessica Simpson-Nick Lachey Split

They what?!? U.N. Spacy never saw this coming, and no one here has even figured out a way to make our brains accept the news. Really, this shit is way out of left field. But they say it's true, so we'll run with it.... Gawker reports:
Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson, America’s Newlyweds, have called it quits. For those of you so self-loathing as to closely follow these things, you’ll recall that in May, E! online reported that the couple had filed for divorce, only to mysteriously retract the story an hour later. But you knew, right then, that this was coming, didn’t you?

The couple is waiting to make an official announcement later in the month (at the appropriate career opportunity, we’re sure), but according to Us Weekly’s scoop — kept so under wraps that employees were not allowed to receive their advance issues yesterday, presumably for fear that People might rape and pillage the story — the marriage has been dead for some time. Well, duh.

The article has a laundry list of contributions to the break-up (mostly blamed on Jessica), including creepy-dad Joe Simpson, Jessica’s “diva” behavior, and her fondness for whiskey on the rocks. One of those ubiquitous sources close to the couple says, “Jessica’s the problem. She’s not the girl America fell in love with anymore.”

Seriously, whoa. Two questions immediately spring to mind: (1) Was this really the only way to reclaim the Photo Death Match crown? (2) Who the fuck is Nick Lachey?


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