Thursday, October 13, 2005

Contrails: Jessica Simpson Shows Off Her Distractions Of Steel!

  • Amid widespread rumors of her separation from some guy that I guess she married or something, Jessica Simpson finally comes out to set the record straight: contrary to what you may have heard in certain disreputable gossip magazines, she is most certainly developing and excercise video, and will very probably put out a line of treadmills. I think you'll agree that this clears everything up.
  • DMX's lawyer adamantly denies allegations that DMX did a little dance for spectators outside the courtroom where charges of violating the terms of his conditional release (he's been up to some crazy-ass shit in the last couple years, by the way) were dismissed.
  • Morgan Freeman, alls I can say is U Got It Bad for Usher.
  • Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn continue to make out in public as part of a last-ditch effort to retain strong standings for Aniston in the Us Weekly Photo Death Match.
  • By the by, if you've been wondering why U.N. Spacy's been totally sucking lately, it has a lot to do with a merciless headcold that's held our offices under siege. Symptoms include congestion, lightheadedness, and occasional delerium. The upside is that the affliction afforded me a semi-lucid dream in which Michael Lohan entrusted me with the care of his hive of pet bees. He paid me too, and I was only stung once (on the nose, though). Later in the dream I explained to a small audience how weird it was that I'd just dreamt that, seeing as how Michael Lohan's in prison and all.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

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11:53 AM  
Blogger Aaron Burkhalter said...

Beehives? Your frighten me Mr. Spacy... you frighten me...

12:54 PM  
Blogger Jack McKinney said...

Jesus, aaron burkhalter, there was only ONE beehive, and it was MICHAEL LOHAN'S, not mine! C'mon!

1:30 PM  

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