Friday, October 28, 2005

Jay-Z's "I Declare War" Concert A Bloodbath Of Peacemongering

After a month of threatening to put grease-talkers in various choke holds, Reigning King Of Retired Rap Jay-Z's "I Declare War" concert last night in New Jersey was crammed with cameo appearances, and all kinds of lovey-dovey. MTV's Shaheem Reid enjoys a brief respite from his round-the-mothafuckin'-clock coverage of 50 Cent to translate a little "'hood speak," and to dub last night's show "another Jay-Z moment that you'll tell your grandkids about." Now, before we pause to scour our collective memory for a previous Jay-Hova milestone that might merit reminiscence thirty-odd years from now, or to take stock of a future in which our grandchildren have reason to give a shit about Jigga, let's talk about just how lovey-dovey the whole affair was.

On a stage set up to look like the Oval Office, Jay-Hova admitted that, despite earlier promises, he wouldn't be airing out any rivals on this particular evening. His was a touching message of unity:
"All that beef shit is done. We had our fun. Let's get this money." Truly, truly inspiring words from an artist clearly at peace with the world.

The Roc-A-Fella head began the set with "PSA," played a couple more songs, took a break for a costume change (is that what's hot in the streets these days???), and then opened the guest-spot floodgates. First there was some eight-year-old kid makin' cute while Jay played, ahem, "Memphis Bleek's" "Dear Summer." Jigga warned the tyke, "
Don't try to upstage me with none of that cute kid shit."

Then came
Teairra Marí and Ne-Yo. Then T.I., Young Jeezy, and Akon. Then Peedi Peedi, Freeway and Memphis Bleek (which is weird, 'cause why didn't Bleek come out for "Dear Summer"? HA! I slay myself!). Then Beanie Sigel. Then The Lox and Sauce Money. Then Jadakiss.... Getting the idea? Well, it's far from over.

So then Jay says, "
Let's go Esco." Since the air's been thick with talk of a Jay-Z collaboration with a certain Queensbridge juggernaut for months now, you'd pretty much hafta be that eight-year-old to not guess what was going to happen next. Lo and behold, out comes Nas. Now it's common knowledge that I love the shit out of Nas. And I've reluctantly given in to a tempered appreciation of Jay-Z's talents, albeit from a suspicious distance and through a bulletproof barrier of irony. But if you want my opinion, considering the combined skills of these formidable foes, their King Of New York rivalry resulted in one of the least fruitful high profile MC battles in hip-hop history. Be that as it may, the idea of them sharing a stage really is quite something.

The pair began with "Dead Presidents." Recall that this song, an early entry in Jay's catalog, prominently featured a sample from Nas's "The World Is Yours," about which Jay once quipped,
"Yeah I sampled your voice, you was usin' it wrong. You made it a hot line, I made it a hot song." Afterwards, Jigga relinquished the stage to Nas, who performed "New York State Of Mind" and "It Ain't Hard To Tell."

Then fucking Diddy waltzes out onto stage in a fur coat! With flutes of champagne! He and Nas performed the woefully misguided "Hate Me Now." As Nas finished off his mini-set, Diddy loafed around the faux-Oval Office, and quite possibly threw his Rolly in the sky and waved it side to side.

Finally Kanye West and LeBron James turned up, and the show concluded with the compulsory "We Are The World"-esque group-hug rendition of "Encore." Quite a night, indeed.

Lindsay Lohan: "I Nearly Died!"

Lindsay Lohan continues to harp on familiar talking points in OK! Magazine, attributing her dramatic drop in weight earlier this year to overwork. She worked in a salt mine, right? No? Tell me it was a Herbie remake, at least!

"I was going through a lot of stuff and overworking and not thinking of my body. I was going through that phase that everyone goes through. I lost, like, 20-25 lbs. I was on IV drips. I nearly died!"
I'm hardly impressed. Everyone goes through that!

Expressing objections to claims that she's a club-hopping, underage booze-guzzling, bathroom-stall-fuck-happy, thrill-seeking party girl, LiLo says,

"I'm an angel compared to many of my friends. It offends me."

Contrails: Pictures This Glorious DO Make Up For Lazy Blogging

U.N. Spacy hasn't posted in freaking days. There's no real excuse for this, but please know that we've all been pretty busy - some on manuevers in Europe, others on couches closer to home. Anyways, we'll strive for better next week.
  • Here's a picture of Victoria Beckham reading a Scientology text. Technically, it looks more like it's being read to her in a manner similar to reading a picture book to a preschooler. Keep in mind, she does confess to never having finished a book. [via A Socialite's Life]
  • Elizabeth Hurley slams Sienna Miller's new, shorter haircut, apparently oblivious to the fact that Sienna Miller's playing Edie Sedgwick in a movie. What concerns me, though, is that the poor girl's walking around on two broken ankles!
  • In Touch covers the topics that matter to you, naming the amorphous gap between Jessica Simpson's bubbies The Best Cleavage In Hollywood. To get an impression of how beyond reproof the article's credibility is, take note that Nicolette Sheridan and Mariah Carey also made the top 10.
  • Wanna see Paris Hilton make out with Stavros Niarchos? Well, if you live in Southern California, it doesn't appear that you have any choice. Pictures here, here, and best of all, here.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 559 - Oct. 31, 2005 (Aniston By 4)

Jessica Simpson takes the cover for the third straight week, as Us continues its campaign of reiteration, revisiting more or less the same theories about the breakup they consider definite. At this point even Us seems a little bored of the topic, as reflected by this week's Death Match tallies.

(1) Jennifer Aniston. 14 images.
After weeks of downplaying the rumors, Aniston makes a gigantic public spectacle of what we now know to be her fling with Break Up costar Vince Vaughn. As with all Aniston-related headlines, it makes for pretty dull press.

(2) Denise Richards. 10 images.
Denise Richards is like a stray cat that persistently appears in your kitchen, eating your own cat's food. You don't know how she got in, and you don't know where your own cat is hiding, but there she is. Alright, maybe it's not quite as inexplicable as all that, but still. Apparently Denise went on Ellen DeGeneres's show and said that she's still waiting on a public apology from Charlie Sheen. Considering that way back before they were even married, Denise made a big deal on television about an infidelity clause in their prenuptial agreement, I'm not losing too much sleep over the betrayal and heartbreak she never saw coming.

(3) Jessica Simpson. 9 images.
Oh there you are! After Denise Richards! Is somebody feeling a little neglected? Don't think for a second that this bronze medal isn't the "worst crisis ever" referred to on the cover.

(4) Vince Vaughn. 8 images.
Look at me! I'm makin' out with Rachel from Friends! Bwaaahhh!

(5) Paris Hilton. 7 images.
Yaaaaay!

(tie) Britney Spears. 7 images.
Her get-slim strategies are officially yesterday's papers after three consecutive issues.

Other notables include last week's no-show Sienna Miller, who I'd picked to land in the top 5, managing only 4 images. Nicole Richie nets 6, Lindsay Lohan 5, Jeremy Piven 1, and Kimberly Stewart 1. Katie Holmes shows five times, Tom Cruise 4. And Susan Sarandon lands 4 shots.

I know you'd all love to see me make an ass of myself, but I daren't bet on Sienna a third time.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Paris Hilton Clings To 'The Simple Life'

Despite Fox's cancellation, and despite U.N. Spacy's cynical dismissal of the prospect of a network switch, Paris Hilton insists that The Simple Life will continue for another season. "We’re shooting Nov. 1," Paris told reporters at the Louis Verdad fashion show Sunday. "All the networks are fighting over it."

An unfortunate postscript is delivered by none other than Kimberly Stewart, who reminds us that "you never know" whether or not she might replace Nicole Richie in the prospective fourth season.

Paris Hilton Is ALL ABOUT Fat Joe

Word on the street is that Fat Joe is set to appear on Paris Hilton's upcoming album, as is Ludacris. With any luck, they won't make each other sound quite as freakish as they make each other look in the below pictures. If, for any reason, you're interested in relieving your stomach of the duty of digesting lunch, think about these two grinding. [Via Perez Hilton]

Contrails: Aniston-Vaughn Balcony Make-Out Session!

  • Clearly Jennifer Aniston will do absolutely anything to reclaim her Us Weekly Photo Death Match title.
  • If you bump into Janice Dickinson and have a spare Xanax, you may be in luck - that is, if you've ever wanted to get this close to the experience of screwing a tranny in a restroom.
  • Bill O'Reilly sympathetically refers to Lindsay Lohan as a "poor little girl." My memory's a little cloudy at the moment, but he may be citing Michael Lohan's ballad.
  • There's already a damned pilot in the can for Ashton Kutcher's new sitcom, 30 Year Old Grandpa. We here at U.N. Spacy have nary a clue what a premise for such a program might look like.

Jessica Simpson Clearly On The Brink Of Collapse

Just Jared brings us these recent photos, showing Jessica Simpson and Ryan Dunn on their way to dinner in Santa Monica. Quick! Check to make sure she's wearing her ring!

Phew! That was a close one! Call me crazy, but there's something about the way Simpson flaunts her wedding ring that isn't entirely neighborly....

Manic and disturbed, Jessica's pose suggests to me that she's just broken into an ill-conceived third-person mock-hysteric fit, shreiking, "Look! It's that Jessica Simpson out fucking the rest of the Jackass cast! Bwaaaahhhhh! Mothers lock up your sons! Bwaaaahhhhh! I bet her giant designer handbag is filled with prophylactics! Bwaaaahhhhh! Rim job! BWAAAAHHHH!" I presume this little scene was fairly awkward for all present.

Paris Hilton Is Ready To Turn The Other Cheek

Is a reconciliation in the works for Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie? The Bosh reports:
Paris Hilton is trying to prove that she's the bigger woman in the battle of Paris vs. Nicole. She's written an apology letter to her former friend and "Simple Life" co-star, Nicole Richie, in hopes that they may move on and be chummy again[...] According to a source for gossip website, Female First, "Paris just wanted to call things a day after friends stepped in and told her she was being petty."
For the record, this is U.N. Spacy's 200th post. If there's any truth to the above story, our birthday wish has already come true.

Britney Spears Public Appears Fails To Elicit Disgust (Scorn Quite Another Matter)

Since we've all spent the last eight months or so talking shit on Britney Spears grooming and physique, I feel it's only fair to post the very recent picture below which, given the short span of time since the birth of her demonspawn, suggests that Brit-Brit may not be entirely beyond help. [Via WWTD.]

Contrails: Ever'body Talkin' Shit On Ever'body Edition

  • 50 Cent still smarts from Samuel L. Jackson's refusal to appear in Mr. Cent's biopic, Get Rich Or Die Tryin'. Says Mr. Cent, "I don't even see where Samuel fits into my life story anyway, unless he plays one of the crackheads. He was a crackhead originally, right? So I come from being a rapper, and he comes from being a crackhead." Um, burn?
  • History of Violence director David Cronenberg talks some shit on Crash director Paul Haggis. "Crash," it should be mentioned, is also the title of an earlier cult heavyweight directed by Cronenberg. Says Cronenberg, "I thought it was very disrespectful.... In France, they refuse to call [Haggis' movie] 'Crash' because they have reverence for that book and for my movie. They call it 'Collision.' I think that their argument, that they couldn't think of an other title, is a little bit bogus.... I don't know how I would react if I met Paul Haggis. He's also Canadian. You know, we're basically peaceful people, but there was the fur trade, and it got nasty." Way to stay on point, D.
  • Paul McCartney calls Yoko Ono "not the brightest of buttons" after Ono called McCartney a lesser singer-songwriter than her late husband, John Lennon. McCartney says that Ono's "life is dedicated to putting me down. That's what she seems to do all the time."

Monday, October 17, 2005

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 558 - Oct. 24, 2005 (Simpson By 4)

Last week I picked Sienna Miller, Paris Hilton, and Katie Holmes to land in the top 5 (Jessica Simpson's showing was assumed). Naturally, I was dead on the money with Holmes, but Paris Hilton is barely even an also-ran this week, and Sienna Miller? Total no-show. Didn't. Appear. Once. Here's the stats.

(1) Jessica Simpson.
18 images.
The second in what promises to be a healthy run of feature stories on the disintegration of Jessica's marriage reveals little in terms of incriminating concrete information, but militantly maintains a tone of unshakable certainty. Her failure to publicly terminate her relationship is here called an "elaborate charade" - and not by "a source," but by Us themselves. Their appearance together in London wearing their wedding bands is cynically described as a staged "marital photo op." Notably, the OK! contract is directly cited, and not without betraying a touch of bitchy disgust. At the end of the day, it all adds up to Jessica beatin' some ass at the ol' Photo Death Match, as is her wont.

(2) Katie Holmes. 14 images.
Katie Holmes is pregnant with Tom Cruise's child - or at least that's what the Cruise camp is telling us. I know it, you know it, Us knows it. Really the only item of interest published here is speculation that Katie is likely already in her second trimester. Considering that the couple's relationship only dates back to April, I'd say they're moving along at quite a clip.

(tie) Nick Lachey. 14 images.
For the love of God, people, I implore you!!! Who is this Nick Lachey???

(4) Tom Cruise. 12 images.
I probably don't even need to tell you that the Oprah couch-dive melee turns up in this issue.

(5) Orlando Bloom. 6 images.
You'll notice that there's quite a slope from position 4 to position 5. Three other stars (Jennifer Aniston, Eva Longoria, and Hilary Duff) netted five pics apiece, and after that a pseudo-democratic hell of evenly-spread celeb coverage busts loose. Anyways, is Bloom dating Kirsten Dunst? It would appear not, as a slew of images feature him makin' cuddly by the sea with previously previous girlfriend Kate Bosworth (by which I mean that they're pretty much back together). I should mention that I almost wrongly awarded this spot to Kirsten Dunst, whom I thought to be Bloom's beach-frolic companion. However, my unerring dedication to the craft demanded the reading of captions, which corrected my error. My point is, line those two up side by side in swimwear and your eyes will never tell them apart. Nor will they wish to linger.

Lindsay Lohan scored four, Paris Hilton three, and Nicole Richie two. Jessica Biel may be Esquire's sexiest woman alive (to which I flash a minimal-effort two-handed 'W'), but she's only Us Weekly's one-picture-est alive. Claire Danes surprises with three shots. And rising star Kristin Cavallari again racks up three images.

Next week I see Britney Spears showing impressively. And I'll again endanger my reputation by saying that Sienna Miller should make the top 5. C'mon people, she just cut her hair, her on-again-off-again fiancee was just named People's Sexiest Man Alive, and the rumor has it she's been balling James Bond!

Friday, October 14, 2005

Jessica Alba Calls Maggie Gyllenhaal's Inferior Sexiness An Unfair Advantage

Jessica Alba ruminates thoughtfully on 2002's much-overhyped pseudo-indie, Secretary, in the latest issue of the UK's Esquire.
"It was really a career-making performance for [Maggie Gyllenhaal]. I feel like if I did something like that, it wouldn't have been as groundbreaking because people just automatically think of me as being a sexy girl. In Into The Blue, I play a granola-hippy shark wrangler who lives with her boyfriend on an island in a trailer and people still are calling me 'kick-ass sexy babe.'"

Contrails: Hilton Dumps Publicist

  • Kevin Federline is investing millions in a dance school venture with Michael Jackson's father.
  • Paris Hilton has ended her business relationship with publicist Rob Shuter. (See, we hafta clarify it as a "business relationship," 'cause otherwise y'all get all "Whooooooooo!" And that really slows this whole thing down.) Says an insider, "She felt that the press wasn’t respectful enough. I mean, Rob’s a publicist, not a magician." Ahem. Snap!
  • Speaking of Paris, wanna buy her fabric softener? Of course you do! (Via Defamer)
  • Vanity Fair doesn't care about black people.
  • MTV purchased the iFilm Corp. for $49 million. iFilm built a reputation as the internet's most popular destination for buzz-fueled video content. Watch for all that to disappear within a year, as MTV makes more room for stagey short attention span programming about privileged young people.
  • As previously reported, Kill Reality is filled with water sports and worse, but none of it involves that classy, classy broad Trishelle Cannatella - regardless of what you may have heard (or seen) of her eating group meals topless. However, when it comes to sweaty three-ways with Survivor star Jonny Fairplay and The Real World's Tonya Cooley, word on the street is that Trishelle moans, "I have to have it! I need it!" If that allegation seems outlandish, probably you missed Trishelle's season of The Real World. Not to mention her date auction on eBay.
  • Time for some more free music, don't you think? How 'bout a new Cat Power track? (via Pitchfork Media)

Thursday, October 13, 2005

More Dirt On Jessica Simpson's Split From... I Dunno, Some Guy, I Guess

Mainstays of credible journalism Star Magazine report:
Nick has lately been reported to be spending his nights on a couch at the L.A. home of his friend Matt Leinart, 22, quarterback of USC's football team. Though Leinart has publicly denied it, an eyewitness tells Star: "Nick's been sleeping on Matt's couch for about a week now. I've been to Matt's house, and I saw Nick there!"
Very interesting indeed, but whoever this nebulous Nick character is, I'm betting he's got enough money and clout to avoid couch-surfing at least through year's end. Star doesn't stop there, though. They never do!
"Nick and Jessica are much more viable as a couple than they are as two individuals," a friend of the two tells Star.

"Their appeal is as a cutesy, cuddly duo. If they split, they will lose the fan base of those who fell in love with them as a happy, and oh-so-in-love newlywed couple."
This makes a great deal of sense, because the reason most of us are still talking about Jessica Simpson is her cuddly cute marriage. It has nothing to do with buffalo wings, hugantic ta-tas, or Jackass star rim-jobs. Even so, Star abandons this rock-solid theory quickly.
The same source points out how it benefits Nick to remain married. "As of now," the source says, "people are still taking his phone calls. But how will it be without Jessica on his arm?"
I think we all know what this source is getting at. Except seriously, who is this Nick dude?

The Even Uglier Side Of The Paris-Paris Split

We've never heard of Spotlighting News, but they report the following:
Paris Hilton has revealed during an interview for an American magazine that the real reason she dumped her fiancée, Greek heir Paris Latsis was because he cheated on her during his bachelor party[...] Hilton confessed during a party in Los Angeles that she dumped Latsis because he cheated on her during his bachelor party.

And, during an interview with “Extra” magazine she was asked what advices will she give to a man who wants to get married, Paris said: “Just be good to your girl and communicate and tell the truth.... Don’t cheat on her at your bachelor party ... because when guys do that it’s disgusting. Whoever I marry is not going to have a bachelor party,” added Paris.

There was already a bachelor party? I dunno, but where I come from, bachelor parties usually immediately precede wedding ceremonies. Of course where I come from, they also tend to involve strangling a hooker and burying her in the desert, but this is not what we're here to talk about. What I'm saying is, maybe Paris and Paris were much closer to marriage than we'd ever realized.

And is it just me, or are Latsis's buddies all a bunch of rogues and scamps? Seriously, he should be kept away from those guys. They've proven themselves to be reckless shit-talkers, and presumably enabled (and possibly goaded through shouted chant) Latsis to do something involving a stripper that Hilton found "disgusting."

Which brings me to: Just what did Latsis do at this bachelor party? Maybe his soiree also involved hooker-strangle, but I'm inclined to read Hilton's accusations as referring something much closer to a semi-naked lady with big hair (sash optional) unexpectedly emerging from a suspiciously large layer cake while Latsis receives boisterous backslaps from a gallery of rogues and scamps sloshing keg beer out of red Solo cups onto cheap hotelroom carpet.

I await with bated breath the two Paris's joint statement, in which they announce that it was all a misunderstanding, that Latsis's roguish pals planned the bachelor party without Latsis's consent, that the couple's matrimonial plans are back on course, and that Latsis does not condone the patronizing of strippers in any fashion, nor would he condone such at any time in the past. Why? Because it would be totally adorable. And they're both named Paris! C'mon, that shit's cute as fuck!

Worst News Ever: Fox Scraps 'The Simple Life's Fourth Season

Fox has pulled the plug on The Simple Life. The scuttlebutt around town is that the rift between the shows two stars, as well as Nicole Richie's recent dramatic weightloss, contributed to the cancellation of the series. Fox's stated reasoning is much more diplomatic.
"We did not see a place for The Simple Life on our schedule this season."
That said, Fox additionally suggests that another network may pick up the series. While that's a nice spoonful of sugar to chase such bitter medicine, it's also a black plume of smoke up our collective ass. I'm officially declaring this minor television miracle dead. Neither Paris Hilton nor Nicole Richie has shown enthusiasm about the project in recent months. Hell, when reached for comment on the show's cancellation by Us Weekly, Paris had this to say,
"I’m really excited about my movie projects, my new album and all my various other business ventures."
Which is to say, "I'm really excited about ripping still-beating hearts from the chest of each and every member of U.N. Spacy's staff." But at least she didn't mention Scott Storch by name.

Full coverage of the story here, here, here, and here.

The Ugly Side Of The Paris-Paris Split

Page Six reports:
PARIS Hilton broke up with Paris Latsis in a cold way: with her new man, Stavros Niarchos, listening to her on the phone, our sources say.
Seriously, this Hollywood party line shit has really gone stale. Because it's Paris, I'm gonna let it slide this time. But the next time I hear of a celebrity breakup that involves any three-person phone conversation in any form, I'll be forced to assume that the breakup actually stemmed from one or both party's zealous lust for kitten slaughter, and/or carnal relations with shetland ponies. I'm just sayin'.

The story also tells that Latsis and his friends are guffawing over Hilton's statement that Latsis told her to keep the engagement ring. "He says I earned it," she told Us Weekly.
One Latsis pal snipes: "How else did she earn it? With sex. Like a hooker. It's a diss and she didn't get it — no surprise."
Ouch. This is quite a change of tune from last week's "No you're the sweetest ex in the whole wide world!" "No you are!" antics. It would seem that the dust has yet to settle on this one.

The rest of Page Six's story chronicles Hilton's newly single nightlife, including this nugget:
Friday night, she caught the Killers performing in the [Hard Rock Hotel's] parking lot. Three-quarters of the way through the high-energy show, a palm tree caught fire after a fan threw a lit cigarette on it, sending thick black smoke over the VIP bleacher section. Hilton and her pals ran [including Bijou Philips and the atrociously tacky Kimberly Stewart] for safety and came back just in time for the final few songs. The girls partied well into Saturday morning, when Hilton was heard screaming: "I am so glad I'm single!"
Yeahyeahyeah, but since when were palm trees made out of gasoline-soaked flash paper? No, seriously.

Contrails: Jessica Simpson Shows Off Her Distractions Of Steel!

  • Amid widespread rumors of her separation from some guy that I guess she married or something, Jessica Simpson finally comes out to set the record straight: contrary to what you may have heard in certain disreputable gossip magazines, she is most certainly developing and excercise video, and will very probably put out a line of treadmills. I think you'll agree that this clears everything up.
  • DMX's lawyer adamantly denies allegations that DMX did a little dance for spectators outside the courtroom where charges of violating the terms of his conditional release (he's been up to some crazy-ass shit in the last couple years, by the way) were dismissed.
  • Morgan Freeman, alls I can say is U Got It Bad for Usher.
  • Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn continue to make out in public as part of a last-ditch effort to retain strong standings for Aniston in the Us Weekly Photo Death Match.
  • By the by, if you've been wondering why U.N. Spacy's been totally sucking lately, it has a lot to do with a merciless headcold that's held our offices under siege. Symptoms include congestion, lightheadedness, and occasional delerium. The upside is that the affliction afforded me a semi-lucid dream in which Michael Lohan entrusted me with the care of his hive of pet bees. He paid me too, and I was only stung once (on the nose, though). Later in the dream I explained to a small audience how weird it was that I'd just dreamt that, seeing as how Michael Lohan's in prison and all.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 557 - Oct. 17, 2005 (Simpson By 6)

Another late Photo Death Match, I know. Look, I've got a mean cold right now, and I had things to do over the weekend. I'm not your personal dancing monkey - although I'll admit that does sound like a rewarding line of work. Anyway, this week's games are again dominated by the feature articles, but there are a few surprises. And unlike last week, this issue is jampacked with bloodthirsty warriors - specifically three of 2005's blonde all-stars.

(1) Jessica Simpson. 19 images.
At this point there's almost no doubt that Us took umbrage at Jess's exclusive OK! contract. She's barely let in the door for weeks, and then they announce that she's been covering up a failed marriage. But remember, Joe Simpson teaches his daughters to pick themselves up and dust themselves off, and Jessica comes out swinging ferociously this week. I looked it up, and 19 images is generally enough to kill an elephant. It's more than enough to trounce...

(2) Sienna Miller. 13 images.
Finally Us puts its money where its mouth is, and reps for Sienna, whom its employees allegedly look up to or something. Note that all 13 shots appear in a single two-page devotional.

(3) Nick Lachey. 11 images.
Hold up. Seriously, who is Nick Lachey?

(4) Paris Hilton. 10 images.
I'm all aflutter about Paris crossing the double-digit mark for the first time since U.N. Spacy's inauspicious beginning. It's also her first time in the winner's circle since Issue 553, about a month back. And consider that in any other week, this kind of showing would probably earn her a silver. To add to her considerable triumph, Paris Latsis only gets four pictures, while new rival Mary-Kate Olsen musters a mere one pic. If Lady Paris can build on this momentum next week, I'll be one very happy blogger.

(5) Jennifer Garner. 6 images.
(tie) Jennifer Lopez. 6 images.
(tie) Fantasia. 6 images.
The two Jennifers that Ben Affleck has given rings to can only match an American Idol refugee whose "searing memoir" has just been published. Affleck, looks like you need to pull your shit together.

Other points of interest include Demi Moore, who predictably dropped from the Number Two spot to a pathetic single image. Snap! Even Sophia Bush (3) held on longer than that. Eva Longoria, Angelina Jolie, and Jennifer Aniston score five each. Lindsay Lohan appears four times, while Hilary Duff shows up thrice. Mena Suvari appears twice, which means her ex-husband should probably plug in his fax machine. Finally, Laguna Beach star Kristin Cavallari lands three shots, which I'm interpretting as warning shots - we'll be seeing a lot more of this LiLo nemesis before the year's end.

For next week I see Katie Holmes, Paris Hilton, and Sienna Miller all making the top five.

Jessica And Nick: What Really Happened... According To 'Us Weekly' Anyway

Here's that big Us Weekly cover story on Jessica Simpson and that guy she married that one time. I'll try to plow through this with a minimum of distraction and commentary, since you probably know most of this by now anyway.
  • Both Nick and Jessica have been seen without their wedding bands very recently. Photo evidence is provided.
  • Jess and Nick's last public appearance was at a September 11 football game. It's suggested that the pair separated about two months ago.
  • The story simultaneously presents two theories, both of them built on the testimonies of unnamed sources. The first one blames everything on Superdad Joe Simpson, who "didn't want people knowing or even thinking about a breakup," and has been covering the whole thing up. "Joe is the major problem. He seems almost jealous of Nick. Early on, it just seemed like a thing most fathers feel about the guy their daughter wants to marry: nobody is good enough. But it just gets worse. He gets upset when people ask when Jessica is going to have a baby with Nick!" Nick, for his part, "really can't stand [Superdad Joe]. Can you blame him?"
  • The second theory blames it all on Jessica's meteoric rise to fame and subsequent diva theatrics. "Jessica's the problem, She's not the girl America fell in love with anymore." "Everything was going well - especially her career - so they've kept up appearances. They're just waiting for the right time to announce it.""Jessica is like the new J. Lo or something. She's such a diva." "Joe has no control over his daughter anymore. Jessica won't listen to anyone." "No one can control her."

Friday, October 07, 2005

Contrails: Katie Holmes Dumps Publicist

  • Britney Spears disses hubby Kevin Federline, constantly telling friends that she's "raising two kids now." I'm not even faking a "Snap" for that one, Brit. That shit's waaaay Home Improvements Season Five.
  • Michael Lohan is about two steps from slasher-flick-level dimensia (second item). Most recently he tells daughter Lindsay, "Hold onto my shirt honey, soon enough you'll be able to hold on to me!"
  • For some reason, U.N. Spacy hasn't covered this story yet, but we figure our readers are well informed enough to take this update without confusion. There's another Kate Moss cocaine video! UPDATE: We're totally suckers for spoof items these days. My apologies to anyone who experienced profound confusion.
  • Freshly with-child Katie Holmes this week fired her publicist of nearly eight years. Rumor has it that Tom Cruise's sister, Le Ann De Vette, will assume publicist duties for Holmes. Since commencing her unholy union with Cruise, Holmes has also let go her manager and agent.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Contrails: Aliana Lohan Coming To A 'TRL' Near You

  • Sheryl Crow shares some sweet memories with Us: "My first record had just broken, and these guys wanted my autograph. I thought, 'Oh, God, they recognize me.' Turns out they thought I was Heidi Fleiss." The punchline? Turns out it was the U.S. Pro Cycling Team.
  • The video for Lindsay Lohan's new "Confessions of a Broken Heart" will feature little sister Aliana Lohan playing a young Lindsay (and no, that doesn't mean all boobs-y). It's now been confirmed that the video will feature images of spousal abuse. No word yet on whether Michael Lohan's reply-in-song-form will get the video treatment.
  • Us Weekly finally convinces us to give a shit about their separation: reportedly Sophia Bush's split from Chad Michael Murray stemmed in part from a little telephone eavesdropping a la Brangelina. "Sophia listened in as he told a friend about how he hooked up with Paris [Hilton, not Latsis unfortunately] on the House of Wax set and another time while they were married," says the proverbial source. "Sophia was devestated." I won't say it's not possible, but didn't the same thing happen in Sweet Valley High? If it didn't, it really should've.
  • Rob Mitchum gives Fiona Apple's latest a spin, and forces Jon Brion and Mike Elizondo into a face-off for our ears.

Lindsay Lohan LIES!!!

Yesterday we told you about Lindsay Lohan's second major car accident in under five months. Lohan claimed at that time that she was fleeing an angry horde of blood-sucking paparazzi. Now, the thlot pickens. MSNBC reports:
On Wednesday, the sheriff's department released a statement saying that paparazzi were, in fact, not a factor in the accident.

"Preliminary investigations have revealed that paparazzi were not a factor in the traffic collision, and the matter is being handled as a traffic collision only," the statement said.

In addition, Access Hollywood spoke to the man who was driving the other vehicle involved.

Raymundo Ortega told Access' Lizza Monet Morales that he was looking for a parking place on his way to work as a busboy at the Newsroom Cafe when his van was struck by Lindsay's black Mercedes.

The impact caused his van to collide with a white parked van.

As quoted on MTV News, Lieutenant Keith Swansson says,

"Photographers were not involved, not at all."
And sheriff's department spokesman Steve Whitmore says,
"The only person who is likely to be cited in this case is the van driver[...] Lindsay Lohan is an innocent victim in all of this."
But how innocent is someone who falsely accuses imaginary photographers of causing a serious auto accident? Is girlfriend seeing tracers? or is this just LiLo's impulsive response at the first sign of trouble?

We're not up to the onerous task of sorting that matter out, but in honor of LiLo’s recent mishap, U.N. Spacy asks readers to post their suggestions for other offenses (be they illegal, unethical, impolite, or simply impractical) that can now be reasonably (or, better, unreasonably) excused by the alleged presence of paparazzi. By all means, post as many as you can think of.

Hilary Duff And Lola Grace The Cover Of 'Hollywood Dog'

Sometimes the jokes write themselves, folks.... [Via The Superficial]

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Ashlee Simpson Returning To 'SNL'

Who can forget Ashlee Simpson's SNL lipsyncing fiasco? Who even wants to?

Back in August we told you that Superdad Joe Simpson taught his daughters to pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and go at it. We also told you that Ash was in talks to reprise her SNL singing stint - or rather, to take another shot at doing it the first time. Well, this Saturday it's actually happening. MTV reports:
Ashlee Simpson is returning to the scene of the crime — she's going back on "Saturday Night Live."

Now whether that's a brave or stupid thing to do remains to be seen, but come Saturday, the singer is going to try to get past the water-cooler moment that practically defined her career last year
and turn it into something triumphant — overcoming her fears and facing her imperfections in one fell swoop. "That would be a great opportunity, that would be great for me," Simpson said.

"I think everything happens for a reason," she added. "I feel like I became a stronger person and I definitely grew from that situation. I really learned how to stand up for myself."

Throughout the whole debacle, Simpson said her family stayed right by her side, especially older sister Jessica, who remains "absolutely" supportive. "Dude, she's been through everything," Ashlee said.
First let's talk hard facts. If Ash gets caught lipsyncing on SNL a second time, it'll be because she wants to. And while that might be great fun for everybody, it's extremely unlikely that those are her intentions. I know it, you know it, everyone knows it. Which is why no one will bother to tune in for her "comeback" performance on Saturday.

Secondly, I know we're all still a little shell-shocked over her separation from that guy she used to be married to, but if Jessica Simpson's "been through everything," then I'm gonna go ahead and say that I've been through the digestive tract of a manatee. I'm just sayin'.

Katie Holmes Is Pregnant

For God's sake people, the new issue of Us has already gone to press! This week's rapidly escalating game of celebrity announcement one-upsmanship brings us yet another Big Item. People reports:
Tom Cruise's fiancée, Katie Holmes, is pregnant with the couple's child, Cruise's spokesperson, Lee Anne DeVette, tells PEOPLE exclusively.

"Tom and Katie are very excited, and the entire family is very excited," says DeVette[...]

DeVette would not comment on the baby's gender or say how far along the pregnancy is. The rep did say that Holmes, 26, "has never felt better."
I wasn't entirely sure how this came to pass, so I asked around the U.N. Spacy offices. Roy's apparently old hat at this sort of business, and he explained the whole thing to me (read on with extreme caution and, if necessary, parental supervision). Apparently what happened is that Tom Cruise put his penis in Katie Holmes' vagina.

I'm sorry, but that is so gross. And then to go and announce it to the whole goddamned world!?! It would seem that those two - not to mention the enabling sister - have no shame whatsoever. This blogger has decided that he cannot in good conscience attend another Tom Cruise motion picture or tune in for another Katie Holmes talkshow guest appearance. There's a thing called principles, see. And part of it is keeping your private parts out of other people. Seriously, totally disgusting.

Simpson Separation Rebuttal #1

The seven days and seven nights of denial, new evidence, denial, etc. begins. Says Nick Lachey's rep:
"Nick and Jessica have not separated. Rumors to the contrary are simply not true."
I find that denials are particularly convinving when filtered through publicists, don't you?

Contrails: Paris Hilton, Mary-Kate Olsen To Begin Conspicuously Ignoring One Another

  • 50 Cent rival The Game is so effin' street that he's growing an afro, taking up acting, and hanging out with new neighbors Hilary Duff and Benji Madden. (All joking aside, is it not increasingly difficult to determine which Madden twin Duff dates?)
  • Paris Latsis calls ex-fiancé Paris Hilton “the most incredible woman I have ever met in my life." About the the pair's engagement, he says, "This was the best experience of my life and I will always be grateful for it."
  • Speaking of Ms. Hilton, the scuttlebutt these days is that she's cultivating a full-blown Greek billionaire fetish. It's said that an array of Hollywood club denizens, including Lindsay Lohan, Jessica Simpson, and Hilary Duff are distancing themselves from Hilton. Why? Because she's apparently seeing Stavros "Patron, not Cuervo!" Niarchos, Mary-Kate Olsen's boyfriend by my last count.
  • Strictly For My Nerdz: The Criterion Collection's latest newsletter let's slip plans to release Whit Stillman's Metropolitan on DVD early next year. This announcement has substantially turned up the heat in numerous geek fights. Less contested is Criterion's confirmation of plans to remaster and reissue Jacques Tati's Playtime sometime next year. On the music front, Sonic Youth fans can dance the happy-dance to news that the band is putting out a new SYR record before the year's end. Additionally, the band will reissue the Madonna-centric Whitey Album and (finally) their self-titled debut EP sometime in 2006.

UPDATED: Lindsay Lohan Totals Car For Second Time In Five Months

Word is she was fleeing dozens of paparazzi, since it worked so well the last time. LiLo and her passenger sustained only minor injuries, while the other party suffered moderate injuries. A parked car was also damaged. There is no evidence that alcohol played a role in the event. Full story here and here.

UPDATE: More images here.

Britney Spears-Kevin Federline Sex Tape "Elicted Laughter And Disgust"

Page Six reports:
BRITNEY Spears and her hubby, Kevin Federline, sicced their home videos on the public when they gave us "Chaotic," but there's one video floating out there they don't want us to see. According to Us Weekly, a member of the couple's low-rent entourage "has threatened to release raunchy footage of the two taken before Spears looked pregnant [that was copied from a tape in the Spears/Federline collection]." A copy of the original tape viewed by the couple's lawyers elicited laughter and disgust. So much for the "hot" sex Spears continually brags about.
Expect a frank Us interview from Shar Jackson
on the matter in the weeks to follow.

Sienna Miller And Jude Law Look Uncannily Like Kate Moss And Pete Doherty

Many thanks to A Socialite's Life for spotting this one.

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 556 - Oct. 10, 2005 (Kutcher By 2)

With the breaking news of Jessica Simpson's split from that guy who used to be Jessica Simpson's husband, things like Us Weekly Photo Death Match seem downright trivial. Especially when it's as dull as it is this week (and has been for about three weeks). Lately the Death Matches have been dominated by reliable titans dispassionately besting their lessers, but without any palpable love of the game. Next week I'll give you fireworks. Jessica Simpson pulled some straight-up 1970s women-in-prison shit, busting up her own goddamned marriage just to show Paris Hilton - hot off a newly cancelled engagement - that if Jessica isn't Number 1, it's only because Jessica doesn't want to be. Anyways, let's hurry through this week's snore-fest as quickly as humanly possible.

(1) Ashton Kutcher. 13 images.
(2) Demi Moore. 11 images.
Whether they really did get married or it's all an elaborate Punk'd scheme, it hardly qualifies as gripping news. The thirty-month length of their pre-marital relationship is largely responsible for their impressive Photo Death Match numbers. See, there always has to be a photo timeline, and this one starts waaaaaay back in June 2003, with their second red carpet appearance together. The newlywed's momentum isn't likely to continue, though. They just sold the exclusive wedding coverage rights to Us rival OK! for $3 million.

(3) Jennifer Lopez. 10 images.
J.Lo's new clothing line, inanely called Sweetface, gives the diva cause to open up in a candid interview on the emotional strains of putting on an MTV runway fashion show, childhood memories of Macy's, and insatiable appetites for shoes and jewelry. Oh, and she and Marc Anthony aren't planning on having kids any time soon.

(4) Brad Pitt. 7 images.
(tie) Angelina Jolia. 7 images.
(tie) Taryn Manning. 7 images.
"On September 25, Pitt and Jolie - driving matching silver BMW motorcycles - roared into Safeway in Spruce Grove, Alberta, Canada.... During their 30-minute excursion, Pitt and Jolie (dressed in full biker-chick mode of boots, gloves and racing jacket) selected items such as Special K cereal, pumpkin pie and Pillsbury slice-and-bake ghost cookies. Afterward, they packed their purchases onto the back of their bikes and rode off." Says an onlooker of the errand run, "An adventurous Angelina showed she is everything Jennifer Aniston is not." Oh, and Taryn Manning was on that emergency-landing JetBlue flight.

Britney Spears talks about her new weightloss plan and scores five shots in the process. Jessica Alba shows Us Weekly her third arm, also managing five. Bad girl Nicole Richie lands five shots, three of them from an all-Nicole Who Wore It Best? poll (she gets spanked by Sienna Miller and Carmen Electra, but fucking rips the wig off Jenny McCarthy to the tune of a 98% victory). Hilary Duff scores four, but as usual, two of those are from a Cingular ad. Paris Hilton also scores four (but oh, how many more there will be next week!). Eva Longoria settles for three. Jennifer Aniston and Lindsay lohan take two apiece.

U.N. Spacy Utterly Dumbfounded By News Of Jessica Simpson-Nick Lachey Split

They what?!? U.N. Spacy never saw this coming, and no one here has even figured out a way to make our brains accept the news. Really, this shit is way out of left field. But they say it's true, so we'll run with it.... Gawker reports:
Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson, America’s Newlyweds, have called it quits. For those of you so self-loathing as to closely follow these things, you’ll recall that in May, E! online reported that the couple had filed for divorce, only to mysteriously retract the story an hour later. But you knew, right then, that this was coming, didn’t you?

The couple is waiting to make an official announcement later in the month (at the appropriate career opportunity, we’re sure), but according to Us Weekly’s scoop — kept so under wraps that employees were not allowed to receive their advance issues yesterday, presumably for fear that People might rape and pillage the story — the marriage has been dead for some time. Well, duh.

The article has a laundry list of contributions to the break-up (mostly blamed on Jessica), including creepy-dad Joe Simpson, Jessica’s “diva” behavior, and her fondness for whiskey on the rocks. One of those ubiquitous sources close to the couple says, “Jessica’s the problem. She’s not the girl America fell in love with anymore.”

Seriously, whoa. Two questions immediately spring to mind: (1) Was this really the only way to reclaim the Photo Death Match crown? (2) Who the fuck is Nick Lachey?

Monday, October 03, 2005

Contrails: Lohan And Valderrama Leave Club Together

  • Popdirt claims that Lindsay Lohan recently left Hollywood hotspot Element with ex Wilder Valderrama.
  • Jon Stewart pisses off a bunch of rich magazine execs.
  • Her milkshake may bring all the boys to the yard, but her pizza's sure to scare them away. Kelis and Nas eat lobster/bacon pizza???
  • Sienna Miller's flacks claim that Miller was not pregnant and did not have a miscarriage. It's none of my business, and I actually don't even care. But the fact that her rep used the word "balderdash" is just plain awesome.
  • Happy birthday shoutouts to Talib Kweli and Blackthought!

Paris Hilton-Paris Latsis Engagement Over

Paris Hilton has announced an end to the engagement that most celebrity-obsessed pundits declared dead about a month ago. The report comes from Hilton's exclusive interview with Us Weekly, which should guarantee her a strong Photo Death Match showing at the end of this week.
“I'm sad to announce that I've called off my engagement. Over the last couple months I've realized that this is the right decision for me. We remain best of friends, and I'll always love him. I hope people will respect my privacy during this emotional time."

"Exclusive" means less and less these days, Hilton quickly sharing her story with the Associated Press as well.

"I feel I'm just not ready for marriage. I have seen the breakups between people who love each other and rush into getting married too quickly. I do not want to make that mistake. I'm still young and still have a very active career that I'm not prepared to give up. I have worked very hard to get to where I am. Paris is a great guy and we will handle this with dignity and respect."

Much has been made of Hilton's assertion that a marriage to Latsis would conflict with her "very active career." I argue that this concern was well-founded; Hilton would probably be forced to dedicate the bulk of her time to defusing the demented public ramblings of a clinically senile father-in-law.

Unsurprisingly, anonymous sources are lining up to backdate the split.

“They really broke up a month ago.... They are just very different people. But Paris hoped things would get better. They didn't so she decided it was best to move on.”
If true, this may explain The Simple Life's otherwise ridiculous decision not to center the show's fourth season around Hilton's and Nicole Richie's respective wedding arrangements.

Although the couple no longer plan to marry, don't expect this to be the last time you see the couple together.
"We will also be business partners and have movies in the works."
You people have filthy, filthy minds.