Thursday, September 22, 2005

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 555 - Oct. 3, 2005 (Zellweger-Ripa Tie)

I'm not gonna lie, this week's standings are booooorrrriiinnnggg. Though it does constitute the first tied victory in U.N. Spacy's young life, this issue is all about the feature stories.

(1) Renee Zellweger. 11 images.
(tie) Kelly Ripa. 11 images.
Some marriages work; others not so much. Us doesn't care either way, as long as the words "sexy" and "romantic" can be employed (in present or past tense) in captions. Zellweger astonished the world by splitting from her cowboy hat. Kelly Ripa endures a hard-hitting interview on how her marriage to Mark Consuelosis the totally the best in the whole universe.

(3) Mark Consuelos. 9 images.
(tie) Prince Harry. 9 images.
Regarding Consuelos, see above. Prince Harry is nearly 21, and here gives a trifle of an interview about booze, girls, his family, etc. Oh, and he says he regrets wearing a Nazi armband, which I really wasn't expecting.

(5) Jennifer Aniston. 8 images.
(tie) Shannon Elizabeth. 8 images.
Jenn goes on Oprah to talk about everyone's favorite inspirational tale of bravery, faith, and survival. But right now you're probably more concerned with what in God's name Shannon Elizabeth did to land so much Us coverage? She gets her hair done in a Matrix ad, that's what! All eight shots come from a single three-page advertisement. The pictures shows Matrix's application of shampoo, bodifying spray gel, and hair spray in step-by-step inset shots, appropriately recalling the freeze-frame thumbnails for which Elizabeth is best known. Similarly, Heather Graham pulls off two full-page shots plugging for Skyy and Garnier.

With the Emmy's just last weekend, this issue has a bit of a sub-competition: The Desperate Housewives. Eva Longoria (7), Marcia Cross (6), Felicity Huffman (5), Teri Hatcher (5), Nicolette Sheridan (3). Bet Hatcher's wishing she sat in for that photo now!

Other notables include Ken Chesney, who can only pull four pics with a cover story - but that's what happens when you wear a fucking cowboy hat! As for our favorite party girls, Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie appear three times each, Jeremy Piven twice, and Paris Hilton four times. Not a very impressive showing, girls! Brad Pitt earns three, while Angelina Jolie rolls a one. Sienna Miller gets two shots. Despite Us's enthusiastic coverage of their engagement, there isn't room for more than one shot apiece for Rebeca Romijn and Jerry O'Connell. Hilary Duff singles, as do Our Savior Jessica Simpson and Britney Spears (I don't wonder why). And Debra Messing gets five shots!

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