Friday, September 16, 2005

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 554 - Sept. 26, 2005 (Pitt By 1)

A cover story on pregnant stars and a totally arbitrary feature on the Us Weekly's Young Hot A-list (as if readers of this column couldn't compile a better list!) help make this week's Photo Death Match something of a mess. Overall scores are low, and page space is spread amongst an unusually large number of celebs. You could argue that this is a more democratic Us, but then people might find out that you argued that there was a more democratic Us. I recommend against it.

(1) Brad Pitt. 8 images.
A dude frontrunner is always rare. Also, always Brad Pitt. How does he win this one? There's hardly any Brangelina fanfare in this ish, but there is a four-shot "Before Brad Was Big" spread. The photos incorporate white cargo pants with snap-cuffs, a beret, a friendship bracelet, and a tropically-themed baseball cap with upturned bill. If Maddox ever lays hands on these, expect lengthy weekend stays at Billy Bob's place.

(2) Britney Spears. 7 images.
Our coverage of Britney's reproduction has been so scant that a few readers missed it altogether. It's just not all that interesting to U.N. Spacy. More to the point, it's proved entirely too interesting to the rest of the, ahem, blogosphere. Now when the creature begins to speak? That shit'll be gangbusters! Us rushed the cover story, and it shows. Matter fact, aside from the cover headline, the ish provides no info on the actual birth. But it does tell us that Kevin Federline will release a CD in January. "He is sure he will be a huge rap star."

(3) Jennifer Garner. 6 images.
(tie) Heidi Klum. 6 images.
I hafta confess, I don't even read these domestic fluff pieces. I see the word "nest," I count pics and flip page. Stories so transparently publicist-composed are normally great reads, but it seems like every pregnant star employs the same representation. Basically, pregnant star features are madlibs, and you too can play the game! First, pick an adjective describing the father's enthusiasm. Next, enter a brief clause describing your preferred method of delivery. Finally, briefly summarize the way you plan to dissolve 100% of your baby weight in under twelve days. Insert your answers into the appropriate blanks, and instantly transform yourself into a down-to-earth sweetheart!

(tie) Jennifer Aniston. 6 images.
(tie) Ben Affleck. 6 images.
Aniston's on like her sixth issue of updates on how she's "Moving On After Brad," and I've stopped reading these also. It's definitely become clear that Us has had more trouble recovering from their separation than Jen has. Meanwhile, Affleck's shit-eating grin rides shotgun while Garner and their fetus drive the couple into the winners circle.

Nicole Richie, Jessica Alba, Gwen Stefani, and J.Lo rack up five shots apiece. Paris Hilton shows three times. Jessica Simpson continues her cold stay in Us solitary confinement, barely managing three shots. Eva Longoria's two is simply miserable this close to the Emmys. Sienna Miller, Rachel McAdams, and Lindsay Lohan all bat for singles.


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