Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 552 - Sept. 12, 2005 (Simpson By 2)

This story has been delayed by late mail delivery, a holiday weekend, and my laziness. So put off was this item that I can't even find a shot of the cover this week. Yes, folks, I suck. But you know you'll keep comin' back for more - especially after you've checked out this week's star-studded affair.

(1) Jessica Simpson. 13 images.
Hallelujah, She has risen! This week's issue is the understandably popular Fashion Winners & Sinners ish, and Simpson scores the #2 slot in the Winners category. The fact that She doesn't land the top spot suggests that the OK! contract hasn't been without repurcussions. Nevertheless, second place means three more Simpson jabs, including one involving formal shorts, which is enough to push an already-strong Simpson head and shoulders above the lowly micronians filling the gaps between spreads on Her Hot Bikini Bod.

(2) Jessica Alba. 11 images.
(tie) Eva Longoria. 11 images.
This pair of U.N. Spacy nemeses also benefit from Fashion Winner high marks. As usual, Alba flaps her gums about that ass that she believes to be astonishingly bulbous and delectably shapely. "Most actresses are straight up and down. It's nice to throw a little curve sometimes." How lucky we are, Ms. Alba. Sheesh. Longoria's been a surprisingly timid competitor in these battles, but finally performs to her potential. Inexplicable as it is, America loves the shit out of her lukewarm sex appeal. This is Longoria's week of reckoning, and her power will only build from here.

(4) Lindsay Lohan. 10 images.
(tie) Nicole Richie. 10 images.
REPREfuckingSENT! Objectivity be damned, U.N. Spacy's pulling for our emaciated orange divas each and every week. Paris or no Paris, we hafta call this admirable showing by her fledgling understudies a hometeam victory. And it only gets better. Who robbed juggernaut Jessica of the #1 Fashion Winners spot? Bad, bad, badass Nicole, that's who. Nicole, we're once again awestruck by your guerilla tactics and wry grin, revealing ample hints of naughtiness and confidence. And LiLo, your return to the winners circle is met with tearful, clinging embraces - the kind that are followed by desperate but stern pleas to never do that to us again! This triumphant return of our wayward daughters is no less than an oasis of consoling mercy in these troubled times of God's partisan wrath. Really gives you hope.

Other notables include Jennifer Aniston's respectable nine shots. Vince Vaughn catches the tailwind and racks up six. Meanwhile, Angelina Jolie settles for three(!), and Brad Pitt for five. Kelly Clarkson's VMA performance lifts her to four shots, while Diddy's hosting turn only stirs up enough interest for two. Kirsten Dunst's vehement Orlando-fling denials give her enough oomph for six. Hilary Duff slumps to three, Micronian Queen that she is. And despite Us editor Janice Min's claims that “women around our office clip pictures of Sienna and hang them up for inspiration," Sienna Miller roles a one.

And the rest of the Fashion Winners and Losers story? On the winners side we have (1) Richie, (2) Simpson, (3) Alba, (4) Mischa Barton (um, what?), (5) Sienna Miller, (6) Oprah Winfrey, (7) LiLo, (8) Kate Hudson, (9) Halle Berry, and (10) Longoria. The losers are (1) the Britney Spears and Kevin Federline tagteam, (2) Mariah Carey, (3) Kelly Osbourne, (4) some drag queen named Nicolette Sheridan, (5) Paula Abdul, (6) Patricia Arquette, (7) Mary-Kate Olsen, (8) Pam Anderson, (9) Julia Roberts, and (10) Venus and Serena Williams.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

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11:42 PM  
Blogger Jack McKinney said...

To compare to Who Magazine's best and worst dressed list, go to:

http://www.theage.com.au/news/fashion/whos-best-dressed/2005/09/09/1125772676025.html?oneclick=true

Nicole Richie tops the best dressed list here too, which I guess makes it official. But then the Olsens grab the #4 slot. Worst dressed goes to Paris Latsis.

12:28 PM  

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