Friday, September 02, 2005

Michael Lohan Pierces U.N. Spacy's Heart With Song

Harkening back to the courtly days of celebrity rivalry - I'm thinking specifically of the days of Britney Spears-Justin Timberlake breakup dance-offs - Michael Lohan has written a response in song to daughter Lindsay's still-unreleased "Confessions of a Broken Heart." I've asked Michael today to come on U.N. Spacy, to share his angelic voice, and to open his heart. So, without further ado, we're going to let Michael croon for us. (Critics take note, Lohan says he's still working on the chorus).

I've given my all and done the time/Then only been slighted, that's the crime!/My dear my dear what will it take/For you to tell the truth, for goodness sake!

Michael, Michael, Michael. I don't mean to interrupt, but you hit that E a little on the flat side. Also, as I recall, "the crime" had a little more assault and drunken driving in it than your rendering portrays. Am I wrong? Well, you got me there - "battery" is a tough rhyme. Hey, but what about "splattery?" Alright, well we'll go ahead and chalk this one up to poetic license.

I loved and protected you, I was THERE through it all./I do admit, I did at times fall./But these things you know were due to "THEM"/The ones that want to have a piece of my gem!

I wasn't actually aware that Van Morrisson, or any of his collaborators, had anything to do with either your daughter or your man jewelry. Ditto giant mutant ants. But go ahead, keep going. This is pretty catchy, MiLo. Can I call you MiLo?

My love, my life, my family to me/May be nothing to them, but surely you'll see./That the time will come when the truth comes out./All on its own, I have no doubt.

I may have been wrong for 'running away'/From problems with Mom, I didn't say./It could have been different, I know that now/I wish I could change it, just tell me how.

MiLo, hold up a sec. Really, don't take this the wrong way, but I think they totally did tell you how, but you were all, "Nahhh." Hey, look, I'm trying to give constructive criticism here. If you can't take it, I'm not so sure you're ready to share your gift with the world. I know. No, I understand where you're coming from. Maybe I came off a little cavalier. I dunno, that's just my way. We cool now? Hey, no hard feelings. It's all love between us, you know that. Please, continue.

To all of you now, I tell you this/A message I spoke, that you seemed to miss!/A family comes first, forever a day!/You don't run or hide, or push them away.

A final thought before I sleep./ It's one I pray, you'll remember and keep/I loved you then and I love you now/No matter what is done, we'll get through this somehow!!

Alright, MiLo, you've got us all choked up now. Lindsay, the ball's in your court. Please please respond. Your father is only human. If you prick him, does he not bleed? If you drunkenly crash his car into a telephone poll, does it not burst into flames? Plus, if we can keep this little dialogue running long enough, it's not impossible that we can take this act to Broadway! Or at least the Icecapades. Well, maybe just an all-musical Access Hollywood segment.

6 Comments:

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Blogger Jack McKinney said...

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Blogger Aaron Burkhalter said...

Dear Mr. McKinney,

You and the Lohans will truely enjoy each other's company... in hell...

Seriously though, funny stuff... What compels a dude to write a song to his family, in prison no less, and then release it to the public.

And by the way Mr. Lohan, the rhyming of "sleep" and "keep" was totally taken long long long ago for bedtime prayer limericks. It's not appropriate for semi confessional (did you actually confess anything) poems written from prison to the public...

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