Wednesday, September 07, 2005

'Kill Reality' Orgy Denial Confirms Orgy Rumor

Little more than a week ago U.N. Spacy briefly reported on allegations of decadent watersports and snorting of illegal substances off shaved sex organs on the set of E!'s reality television all-star show, Kill Reality. At that time U.N. Spacy dismissed these claims as outlandish and exaggerated, and speculated that they were leaked by Real World vets Tonya Cooley and Trishelle Canatella (actually, does she rock a surname these days?).

Page Six defuses the story, denying Trishelle's willingness to be erotically micturated upon. I know this sounds like bad news. Probably you think I'm about to add Page Six to the list of persons and/or entities deemed no fun and a negative force in my life. But Canatella, it only got better.

"The whole cast was drunk or wasted throughout the taping, and everyone was having sex with everyone else," one insider told Radaronline. But Scott Zakarin, executive producer of "Kill Reality," denies the Web site's disgusting allegation that, "someone relieved himself on Trishelle [Canatella, of 'Real World: Las Vegas' and Playboy fame] in full view of the cameras." Zakarin told PAGE SIX: "That is absolutely not true. But I know where the story came from, and it's even worse than that. It involved Johnny Fairplay ["Survivor: Pearl Islands"] and another girl, but not Trishelle." Zakarin went on to explain that Fairplay played a vile toilet-tank prank in the bathroom of "Survivor" babes Jenna Lewis and Jenna Morasca. "It was pretty gross," Zakarin acknowledged. "But the girls paid him back" in kind with a retaliatory antic that can't be described in a family newspaper.
I'm sorry, but are you not loving this?!? Let's recap. "Is the set of Kill Reality a booze-fueled fuck-house?" "Well, I certainly won't deny that." "Was there on-camera, on-female pissing?" "Absolutely not true. Well, okay, yes. It did happen. Kind of a funny story actually. But Trishelle wasn't the one being pissed on. C'mon, that's just crazy talk. Trishelle's one classy tomato and you know it! Do a Google Images search if you're so desperate for proof. Really, that broad's got a bright future. So, ah, yeah, it was one of the other well-known reality stars that an also well-known former Survivor cast member spent his bladder on. Oh, and there were several other really gross actions involving piss and/or shit that Radar totally missed, but those are just too distasteful for your editors to allow in print. Also I said, 'In kind,' which is kind of a neat little phrase that doesn't get used much these days. So, we got that little misunderstanding cleared up now? Any other misconceptions I can unburden you of?"
Zakarin also denied that the "Kill Reality" cast members had been snorting cocaine off each other's private parts, as claimed in the online report.
Allow me to pause here and underscore the fact that Scott Zakarin is presently fielding questions on whether or not a highly illegal narcotic substance was offered and consumed on a small-screen star's vagina - just in case you're missing the cultural high watermark we're witnessing.
"If we had seen any drug use we would have shut it down immediately," he declared. Zakarin said E! might release a DVD of "The Scorned" that will include the more outrageous outakes from the show. "It will be a pretty wild DVD," he said. One subplot that viewers will never see was all the phone calls that the only gay star of "Kill Reality," Reichen Lehmkuhl ("The Amazing Race 4"), reportedly got from "American Idol" star Clay Aiken, who never appeared at the house.
I think we're due another recap. "So no drugs?" "No way. Never could've happened. We run a tight ship here at E! Hey, you should really check out some of the wild stuff that did happen, though. Whew! Would that ever blow your mind. We're so totally putting out a DVD. Gonna be awesome. Plus, Clay Aiken is totally gay! Can you believe that shit! Oh man that's funny!"

I still think Trishelle leaked this story. After all, the only thing better than America watching you get pissed on is America hungrily anticipating your getting pissed on.

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