Friday, September 09, 2005

50 Cent Not Gangsta, Responsible For Kanye's Success, Hunted By Ashanti

With all these 50 Cent pieces MTV's been throwing at me this week, I guess it's beers on me tonight! I've opted to cover MTV's hard-hitting journalism in reverse-chronological order (that means I go backwards in time - like Merlin, mothafuckas! Holla!). For starters, Mr. Cent says at a press conference in support of his new film,
"The misperception is that I'm gangsta 50. That's the biggest misconception[...] I can be [that] to people. I have a reputation. My past is my shadow; it follows me everywhere I go. All those things ... they put my back against the wall."
Dude's gangsta history is trailin' him like a mothafuckin' shadow!. Oh good gracious how it haunts him! He tries, and he tries, and he TRIES! But Mr. Cent just can't shake it! These myths of his youth, they're like chains!

Among Mr. Cent's more aggressive attempts this year to divorce himself from his thuggish past are the publication of an autobiography on his hard knocks life and criminal exploits, and a starring role in a film based on same that looks to be The Karate Kid with gats, narcotics, and battle raps. The latter is scripted by Terence Winter, best known for his work on The Sopranos. Oh, and there was Mr. Cent's "dead serious" threat to have killed any who disrespect him.

Mr. Cent’s next press release pertains to this week's most talked-about MC, Kanye West.
"He puts together witty phrases and he's a great talent as a producer, but I still don't know who Kanye West is when I listen to him," 50 said recently in Miami. "By listening to the record, I don't know who he is — I know he's been in a car accident, that's what I know."
What exactly is he talking about? Granted, Kanye isn’t known for spittin’ about tiddlywinks or pick-up-sticks, but he is known for showcasing his insecurities, politics, and frank opinions. Sure, we'd all love to hear some more "Instead of praying before I sleep I put my hands on my heat," or who can forget "I make sixteen hund'ed off of every ho" - but we can't all be the leader of G-Unit. If Mr. Cent wants to know more about Kanye, allow me to recommend the twelve-minute “Last Call” from his College Dropout album, an exhaustive blow-by-blow of Kanye’s complete hip-hop biography. Oh, but I’m interrupting. By all means, esteemed Mr. Cent, continue.

"I feel like Kanye West is successful because of me," he said.
Well, Jigga, I'll admit that you’ve sorta got a point there, but I would argue tha…. What’s that? Oh, how embarassing. I'm sorry, Mr. Cent, but for a second there I thought you were Jay-Z. Back to what you were saying, what the fuck are you on about?
"After 50 Cent, [hip-hop fans] was looking for something non-confrontational, and they went after first thing that came along. That was Kanye West, and his record took off."
Oh, okay. Well when you put it like that, Mr. Cent, I guess I can kinda see that you still don’t make a lick of sense. And not even Whitney Houston can get away with referring to herself in the third person, Mr. Cent.

Mr. Cent doesn't do a lot of talking in the last item, where the tone shifts dramatically.

A 2003 affidavit used by federal agents to obtain a search warrant of the Murder Inc. offices [...] has been unearthed by Web site the Smoking Gun, and in it, more damning allegations against the label are coming forth. The most eye-opening is that Kenneth "Supreme" McGriff, a convicted drug dealer and longtime friend of Irv and Chris Gotti, had been keeping tabs on 50 Cent's whereabouts and plotting to kill him.

"The investigation has uncovered a conspiracy involving McGriff and others to murder a rap artist who has released songs containing lyrics regarding McGriff's criminal activities[...] Messages transmitted over the Murder Inc. pager indicate that McGriff is involved in an ongoing plot to kill this rap artist and that he communicates with Murder Inc. employees concerning the target."
Included in the list of names of believed to be trailing Mr. Cent is someone operating under the name "Miss Untouchable." For the purposes of my own amusement, we're going to assume this person is Ashanti.

For reasons which I can't begin to fathom, MTV's news divison fails to mention that the affidavit (read it here) also makes explicit a suspicion that Jam Master Jay's murder may have directly resulted from his willingness to work with Mr. Cent after Mr. Cent recorded a series of verbal barbs directed at McGriff. There's also some indication that a questionable play in a 1998 game of marbles is at stake.

To recap, Fat Joe's out, Murder Inc.'s in. The impressively-timed unveiling of this document confirms that Mr. Cent is officially the rap game's Lindsay Lohan - any link to his name, whether at his side or as his foe, a guarantee of increased exposure. U.N. Spacy has high hopes for the creative renaissance that's sure to arise from the ensuing series of rap beefs developing among MCs scrambling to stay at the top of Mr. Cent's shitlist.

I for one won't be in Murder Inc.'s corner. The revelation of these criminal activities renders them of no use to me. Gone now are the salad days of giggling like school girls each time the words "Murder Inc." are whispered at the beginning of a Ja Rule-J.Lo collaboration. No longer will entrances announced with cries of "WHAT'S MY MOTHAFUCKIN' NAME?!?" be met with glowing smiles and warm laughter. Never again will I experience raptures of astonished glee at the sight of the Murder Inc. hot air balloon. Perhaps worst of all, the once-uproarious humor of inappropriate application of Murder Inc. hand gesturing in family photographs has been instantly negated. It's a sad day for hip-hop, and each and every one of us is a victim.

Tonight I'll be toasting to happier times. Hope these pictures help you do the same.

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