Friday, September 30, 2005

Hilary Duff's 18th Birthday Party: A Portrait In Quotes

And the belated Hilary Duff birthday festivities continue! MTV has a whole buffet of warmed-over quotes about the star's Big 18. First off, Hilary herself says,
"I remember thinking when I was such a little girl that 18 was like so old and cool. And now I'm like, it's just normal."
Good Charlotte's Benji Madden says Hil's age is merely catching up with her advanced maturity.
"She's years beyond her age. Honestly, she acts older than Joel [Madden]."
Unfortunately, Benji, you've utterly failed to illustrate your point. Benji also says he's offered to take to newly-legal Micronian Queen for her first tattoo. U.N. Spacy had already thought of this, and strongly suggest "La Bella Vista" placed on an ass-cheek, contingent on space availabilty. But it looks as though this will not come to pass. Says Hil,
"I mean, obviously I don't have anything against [tattoos], because look at my boyfriend. But I think I would just get so bored with it, looking at the same thing over and over again. And [Joel's] found a simple solution to that — he just keeps adding more and more and more. But I don't think I could. I don't like that pain."
Joel co-hosted Wednsday's party with Hil's mom Susan and "sister" Haylie, and also arranged a much smaller event for the previous night. Says Joel,
"We went out to dinner at this nice restaurant, and then I told her we were going to go see 'The Corpse Bride.' She's really been wanting to see it."
I imagine she would! She did play the title role, after all. All right, all right, stop your booing. Joel continues.
"Then I was like, 'Oh, I left the tickets at home.' ... I can't come up with anything better than leaving the tickets at home. So she's like, 'Just buy 'em at the theater and you can return those,' and I was like, 'No, I wanna go get 'em.' I brought her home and I had, like, a cake and balloons and I sang her 'Happy Birthday' and gave her all her presents."
I'm guessing that after reading that you'll want to asphyxiate an orphan. But before you do that, let's talk gifts. Hil lists some highlights from her haul.
"I got a couple of really cool sentimental things from Joel, and then he also got me this thing that I've wanted for a really long time, which is this big Louis Vuitton makeup case and it's so beautiful."
Haylie bought Hil a ring from Louis Vuitton and, in MTV's words, "splurged" on a Chanel necklace, which I think means "traded three 'dates' for." Benji gave Hil a painting, which he describes as,
"Pop surrealism, my favorite up-and-coming style of art."
I dunno, Benji. That sounds entirely too edgy for my tastes. Also waaay too up-and-coming.

Evidently the festivities were to the Micronian's Queen liking, as she declares,
"I've never had a birthday this cool before."
We really strongly recommend that you check out those videos I posted earlier. I could transcribe some of it, but lines like "They brought me Starbucks" and "So, like, insane" just don't translate.

Tara Reid To Make Audiences Cry "Wow, She Can Act! She's A Great Actress!"

Page Six reports:
TARA Reid is bordering on a breakdown now that her E! show, "Taradise," has been officially canceled and other offers of work have dried up, her friends say.

The "American Pie" star — who has fired her publicist and moved back to New York — had a "complete meltdown" Wednesday during a rambling interview for Chaunce Hayden's Steppin' Out magazine, Hayden tells PAGE SIX.

Reid's voice cracked, and she sounded on edge as she told Hayden:

"How many more years are [the media] going to pick on me? There's other new young bad girls. Move on to someone else! . . . I need one more great movie role so they say, 'Wow, she can act! She's a great actress.' Then I think they'll leave me alone . . . If I'm going to try and do something, it has to happen this year. I'm not stupid[...]

"People think [I am just a party girl], and it's bull[bleep]," she ranted to Hayden. "I wish they would just tell the truth. I'm not a drunk . . . I don't have a drinking problem. I don't have a drug problem, for sure.

"Listen, if I could get good movies, you would never see me going out. But when there's nothing to do, what am I supposed to do, just sit in my house and go crazy? But going out is not all I do[...]

"The gossip reporters know the truth. They know they could write good things about me. They could write I'm a good person who is cleaning up her act. I am getting older, and I want different things in my life. I want to get married and have kids.

"I've had a million publicists, and they've done nothing for me . . . Publicists are supposed to fight for me and believe in me, and they don't do that. They don't!

"I thought 'Taradise' was going to help me . . . I wanted to show the whole world the truth — I'm fun . . . But do I think it was cut like that? No. It could have been a better show . . . I didn't want to look like a total party-girl drug retard. I think the shots they show aren't fair."

As Reid's descent into dimensia continues, watch for her to deny having breast implants, deny having blonde hair, deny any part in The Big Lebowski, deny having ever used laxatives, and deny being a carbon-based life form. She will do these things, and we will laugh at her for being crazy. A better course of action for Reid would be to deny ever having dated Carson Daly. It's not that we believe for a second that she didn't, it's just that we all know that any sane person would deny it.

Hilary Duff's 18th Birthday Bash... Continued

Yesterday we gave you a link to the parent-appropriate pics, now we give you the pics intended only for the eyes of wild youth. So if you don't own a pair of three-quarter length pants, or haven't employed an emoticon in the last 48 hours, you really shouldn't be clicking here. Details of guest swag bags is included (a Furby? really?). Many thanks to Perez Hilton for the diligent research. Additionally, if you go here, you can find streaming videos of Hil and friends entering the party (is that Constantine? Yes it is!)

Alicia Silverstone Dealt A Nasty Insult By Amazon.com

Naturally, I ordered the new "Whatever Edition" DVD of Clueless, and strongly recommend that readers do the same (did you realize that Stacy Dash is thirty-nine-years- old???). For personal reasons I'd rather not elaborate on, I opted to order this item from Amazon.com. But I hadn't realized that, in doing so, I would be funding a slanderous hate-tank. Below is an image from the tres bitchy packing slip that came in the box.


Has Alicia Silverstone's career really receded so far below the feature film horizon that she can't even be credited with the lead role in Clueless anymore? For shame, Amazon. For shame!

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Hilary Duff's 18th Birthday Bash

Pictures here. Who the hell were all those guests???

Contrails: Christina Aguilera Is "The Nastiest Celebrity" Charlotte Church Has Ever Met

  • Pharrell Williams tells Complex Magazine that he's fallen in love and is considering marriage. Says hip-hops most loveable sidekick, "There's definitely a girl that I love.... She hears my whispers." Let's be clear about something, Pharrell, we've all heard your whispers. And your falsetto. And some weird clicking thing you do with your tongue. Like a million times. And generally we considered it a little short of the "love" mark.
  • I'm sorry, but did you just say that Connie Nielsen is dating Lars Ulrich?!? What, is she trying to be ironic or something?
  • Us Weekly is boasting "a glimpse of [Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's] secretive, and serious, romance with a family outing to Canada's Galaxyland theme park and a parents-only trip to the grocery store." Goddamn, that's gonna be hot!
  • Viggo Mortensen's got quite the story. On the set of A History of Violence, director David Cronenberg prepared Mortensen and costar Maria Bello for their sex scene together by demonstrating the performances he was looking for with his wife. Naked.
  • Charlotte Church calls Xtina Aguilera "the nastiest celebrity I've ever met" and "quite rude." Xtina's flacks quickly correct that she's actually the "nasstiest celebrity," and that yes, there is a distinction.
  • Jessica Alba has two pugs named Sid and Nancy. Wow, that like totally changes my opinion of her. I mean you look at her and see one thing, and then you hear stuff like this and you think, 'Wow, I guess she must be a complex, interesting person with tastes that border on edgy after all.' Oh, also she says, "If I just want to fuck somebody, I don’t really want to see him in the morning."

UPDATED: Another Insider Scoop On 'Simple Life' Season 4

MSNBC reports:
Expect the hubbies in the new season of "The Simple Life" to be a bit randy. That’s what the producers are looking for.

The concept for the new show has former best friends Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie — who are no longer speaking to each other — trying to be surrogate moms in strange households. A casting call has gone out to find families willing to be filmed, and a source familiar with the search says that the execs have declared: “The friskier the dad, the better.”

“They’re looking for dads who are likely to make a play for Paris or Nicole,” says a source. “They’re saying they’re willing to pay the families ‘a substantial’ amount of money for two days of shooting and that African-American families are a plus.” Why’s that? Says the source: “I think it’s just because they already have some white families and they want to be multicultural.”

Admittedly, this is little more than a decoded retread of Us Weekly's fluff piece from last week. If all this turns out to be true, the show's fourth season will depart somewhat from previous seasons' tendency to portray the heads of households as asexually paternal. The suggestion that families are asked to commit to "two days of shooting" suggests that this season will feature one or two families per episode, continuing the manic pace and formulaic plotting that dominated the second and third seasons. Why oh why could Fox not do a show about the girls' wedding preparations?

UPDATE: Confirming Us's assertion that the show was looking for a lesbian couple, Defamer reprints the following casting call email:

The Simple Life is in need of a lesbian family in LA County. Age is not an issue, although preferably the children are not infants. 2 Day commitment for $2500! Paris and Nicole-LIVING IN YOUR HOUSE, LADIES!

We need to find families ASAP, so please forward this email to anyone you think might be interested.

I said, LIVIN' IN YOUR MOTHAFUCKIN' HOUSE LAY-DEEEEEZ!!!

Doubtless L.A.'s lesbian community is utterly ebullient right now, since everybody knows that gay women are nuts for Paris Hilton. Oh, and for the record, from here on out, "substantial" officially means $2500.

Finally, let me just say that if the lesbian family episode does not include an awkward Paris monologue about her own H.L.A. with a certain "Egglplant Dike Ass" (replete with record-slip sound effect) I swear to God I'll stop fucking watching.

Jessica Alba Doesn't Respect Robert Rodriguez

What Would Tyler Durden Do ran a story today on Jessica Alba, and failed to cite their source. So if you go there to read the story, I'd appreciate it if you make irritated faces at your monitor. Anyway, the point is that Jessica Alba says she's not ruling out the possibilty of doing a nude scene in the future.
“I’m going to have to face that when a big director who I really respect has an amazing story, it might be necessary for me to do a nude scene."
Savvy readers will recall that earlier this year Alba played a stripper in Sin City, and stood out in the film's cast as one of approximately two women who did not have a nude scene. This forces me to a assume that either Robert Rodriguez is not "a big director," or that he has not earned Alba's respect. So, in a round-about way, I guess what I'm saying is, Oh snap!

Hilary Duff Is Extremely Smelly

She's alluded to it previously, now it looks pretty official. Hilary Duff has entered the celebrity fragrance-endorsement fray, further weilding her cruel scepter of power of America's impressionable youth.
Hilary Duff, international star of film, television and recording fame, and a designer of her own fashion and lifestyle line...
That's laying it on a little thick, isn't it? Well, whatever.
...has partnered with Elizabeth Arden, a leader in the global beauty industry, to launch a new line of fragrance products Fall 2006 in North America followed by a global rollout[...]

The fragrance line will be designed to reflect Hilary's image and taste. Hilary's fragrance line will join other well-known celebrity fragrances from Elizabeth Arden[...]

"Hilary is the natural choice to reach fragrance buyers of all ages here and abroad, as she is recognized globally for her tremendous talent and glamorous star appeal," said Beattie. "We are proud to partner with her and her hilary duff designer label, and we'll take our inspiration from Hilary to build a stunning line of fragrance products."
I can't tell you how much I appreciate that this statement took the time to differentiate Hilary Duff the international star of film, television and recording fame, and a designer of her own fashion and lifestyle line from hilary duff the designer label. So what does Hil have to say about all this?
"I love wearing a beautiful fragrance and don't feel completely dressed without one," said Hilary. "I love to layer my fragrances with perfumes, body gels and dusting powders. I am looking forward to working with Elizabeth Arden's fragrance team to create a product line that is fresh and innovative. A fragrance that everyone will enjoy wearing, including me."
You layer fragrances? Classy Hil, real classy.

Tara Reid Gets "Hooters Under Control" With The Aid Of "Double Double Tape"

Ananova reports:
It's nearly a year since Tara Reid popped out of her dress at Diddy/ Puff Daddy/ P Diddy/ Puffy's 35th birthday party - and she's finally spoken out about Taragate. The American Pie star promises she's finally got her "hooters under control" and says she can't believe the storm it caused - as if her boob "popped out and shot Gandhi." Tara was left blithely exposed as the cameras flashed at Sean Coombs' bash, exposing a pretty major nipple scar. And she just can't believe how much exposure her exposure got.

"People act like it was the worst crime in the world. It was a mistake, you know!" Tara said in an interview for the November issue of FHM. "But you would think my boob had popped out and shot Gandhi! "My hooters are under control. I'm taped up now, totally. I'm using double tape. Double double tape. My boobs are going nowhere again."
"Double double tape," huh? I guess what Reid is trying to say is that she bets you want her goodies. She bets you've thought about it. She's got you all hot and bothered - mad cause she talks about it. But if your looking for her goodies, keep on looking, cause they stay in the jar. Roughly speaking anyway.... Reid continues.
Tara also tells FHM that Playboy have offered "millions" for her to do a nude spread and just keep on calling - it may be just a matter of time?
Riiiiiiiiiiiiight. The publications are really lining up to pay millions for nude pictures of a booze-fiend whose indecent exposures are about as scarce as a sunset.

Gwyneth Paltrow Rumored To Be With Child

Is Gwyneth Paltrow pregnant? A friend tells Star that she is. Not only that, "Gwyneth is 99 percent sure this baby was made in one of [Coldplay Singer Chris Martin's] dressing rooms." I'm declining from comment on that matter, but allow me to submit that it would be a truly glorious thing if everyone started referring to Paltrow's theoretical fetus as "Orange," and if we all filled the internets with obvious knee-slappers about comparing Apples and Oranges. I'm not saying it'll happen, or I'll even make an effort to encourage it. I'm just saying it'd be awesome.

Lindsay Lohan Pledges Allegiance To Jared Leto-Founded Cult

Lindsay Lohan is sporting a sloppy rune of some sort on her right foot. Many speculate that this symbol is identical to one Jared Leto uses when signing autographs after 30 Seconds To Mars shows. See, 'cause his bad is just like Magma, only way dreamier.

Oh, and don't expect confused consternation from me when it comes out this thing's all kinds of photo-shopped.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Contrails: No Sweet Charity For Paris

  • Lil Jon sues Larry Flynt Productions for unlawfully using his likeness in a commercial porn video. Lil's beef (and this is forreals, yo) is that the video "glutted the market" for Lil Jon porno tie-ins, and will prevent him from profiting from smut of his own making.
  • Life Aquatic co-writer Noah Baumbach confirms that he and actress Jennifer Jason Leigh have married. Apparently Baumbach has quite a taste for voice impressions and affected dialects.
  • Paris Hilton is slandered by Shirley MacLaine and Shirley Temple Black. There's not much to report here, and at this point I feel like simply typing the word "Paris" pretty much conveys that someone somewhere is talking some shit about everyone's favorite heiress.
  • Page Six pre-reports on Us Weekly's report on a whole lotta cheatin' goin' on in young Hollywood. Let's see if this works: Paris.
  • David and Victoria Beckham ordered Madrid's Runnymede College to remove all images of their six-year-old son Brooklyn from class yearbooks, with the single exception of the copies received by the Beckhams. A "gray blob" will replace young Brooklyn's face in all of the other copies, leaving a particularly handy place for classmates to write a bunch of heinously hateful things about the lad.
  • Finally, "you don't tell Bob Evans that something is discontinued."

California Taps Hilary Duff To Educate Kids On Healthy Bodies

First of all, OMG, happy 18th birthday Hilary Duff!

But more interesting, MTV reports,
She's participating in an anti-obesity campaign to encourage kids to eat right and exercise via a PSA that will hit the airwaves in California this week.

"Even though I spend an
hour in the makeup chair before each show, that alone isn't going to make me look good," the singer says in the upbeat radio message. "All the makeup in the world can't make up for poor nutrition. ... I have to stay fit and eat right because, hello! What goes inside is going to eventually show on the outside."

Initiated by the California School Nutrition Association, Duff's PSA is but one part of a campaign called "Stay fit. Eat right. Looking good, California!" that is supposed to help make the state the nation's model for health, nutrition and fitness, at Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's behest. The campaign's Web site,
StayFitEatRight.org, also includes healthy-meals recipes for kids as well as forums for them to put forth questions to chefs and personal trainers.

"Our profession feeds children every day in California schools," CSNA President Rhonda DeVaux said. "As their day-to-day nutritional advocates, we saw the need to be at the forefront of change through legislative efforts, education and better communication with kids and their families. This campaign is a good start."

Duff, who recorded two versions nine months ago, also espouses in the PSA the virtues of healthy snacks such as fruits or vegetables, "because they love me as much as I love them," as well as eating well-balanced meals. She tells listeners they'll be able to find what they're looking for in the nutritionist-planned meals available at public school cafeterias, which is "like having your own private chef watching your diet."
Let this be a lesson to the CSNA - never wait nine months to air footage of a teen pop star. If California parents have their wits about them, this is what the borders will look like by week's end.
Let's try to keep things calm and orderly, with a minimum of panic and hysteria.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

UPDATED: Benji Madden Disses Kelly Clarkson, Calling Her A "Contestant" And Pointing Out That She Has A Nice Ass, Though She's Not Really His Type

Weeks ago, Kelly Clarkson cracked a joke that she wanted to be in the ring for Hilary Duff's next feud.
"I'm going to start a fight. Me and Hilary Duff," Clarkson said. "Isn't she always in the news for being in fights with some other chick? I want to be the new one. Two Texas girls go at it. And maybe throw in Beyonce. That's three Texas girls."
As I recall, this comment was so dull that not even U.N. Spacy responded to it. But apparently, one of those punk rock twins that Duff dates decided to bite back on his own blog, probably because that's just how punk he is.
"My mom told me if I didn't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. So I won't say 'Amercian Idol' sux, but it does make me laugh when someone like Kelly Clarkson disses someone like Hilary Duff, cause let's not forget it, Kelly (BTW-Kanye West thinks you have a nice ass, I saw him look at it one time) (me, I prefer the more fit look) anyways - you were a 'contestant' on a TV show. Hilary made herself. Ok ok I am a little partial to Hilary becasue I know what a great person she is and how talented she is first hand. Its all good I just think it is funny how us little humans lose perspective."
Savvy readers will note the deafening silence in the space where a "Snap!" should lie.

Meanwhile, U.N. Spacy lifeline hilarynet.org closes its reader forum citing "lack of interest from the staff and users." Some people hafta learn the hard way that no one cares about Hilary Duff....

UPDATE: Good Charlotte have been hacked, presumably by a Kelly Clarkson fan. Benji Madden's entire blog was erased this morning, and replaced with a brief post mildly lampooning Madden's poor skills of written language and a link to Clarkson's website. Here's a screen capture:


I'd say now we certainly know where the wayward "Snap!" ran off to.

Contrails: Jessica Alba Develops Video Game, Helps Infants With Self-Esteem Issues, Calls Out Misogynistic Auteurs

  • Radar reports that, ever since the Oscars, Jamie Foxx has been "behaving like an Acadamy Award-worthy asshole onset." On the one hand, Radar's evidence is less than damning. On the other hand, I'd be sorely disappointed if Foxx didn't cash in his new Oscar for at least a little trailer huff time.
  • Nicole Kidman speaks out on behalf of psychiatry. Despite her ex-husbands heavily publicized tirades against the field, Kidman will play a psychiatrist in her upcoming film, The Visiting. At least now we know where Benji's "Snap!" went....
  • Speaking of movies, The New Pornographers got all kinds of cheeky with the website to their new album, Twin Cinema. Thanks to Aaron for the tip!
  • And finally, how about a Jessica Alba hat trick? Says she, "I'm developing a video game." About her new line of infant clothing, she says, "My baby line is all about being an individual, and we're going to have little quotes and sayings that empower babies to be individuals, even when they're little babies." Alba also has some psychoanalytic theories about certain male directors (and by "certain," we mean "John Stockwell").
    "I find that probably directors who don't have a lot of luck with women on their own personal time really use the forum of the set to break down the woman and feel like 'The Big Cheese'.... I call them out, I say, 'look, if this is what you want, I'll get there, but you don't need to demean me.'"
    You tell 'em, Jess. But, ah, doesn't this Big Cheese Theory suggest that your directors might perceive you as something other than simply a talented and professional thespian? Because it kind of sounds like you think that they choose to work with you as some sort of substitution for revenge on girls of comparable physical attributes who've previously withheld affections. I'm sure that's not what you meant though, because you've made it explicitly clear that good looks haven't factored into casting decisions in your experience.

R. Kelly, Wife Separate; Allegations Of Abuse Made Public

MTV reports:
R. Kelly's got another chapter of marital drama to sing about — but this time, it's from his own life.

Earlier this month, Kelly's wife, Andrea, was granted an emergency protective order to keep the singer away from her, claiming physical abuse, harassment, stalking and interfering with her personal liberty. She had written in her petition that she didn't want any contact with him "at all, by any means." When that order expired on Friday, she asked for it to be dismissed instead of extended — but she's since hired one of Chicago's top divorce attorneys, Donald Schiller, who told MTV News that while Andrea Kelly hasn't filed for divorce, the couple are now separated and she's moved out of their home[...]

"Last summer I was slapped for lying to him," she wrote in the petition to get the restraining order, "and we made up, but I asked for a divorce and he pinned me down and continued to hit me, yelling, 'Don't you leave me! Why are you leaving me?' He says, 'I'm sorry, I'm not a wife-beater, my hand was open. It's not like I did it for no reason. You made me do it.' "

Andrea Kelly, who married the singer in 1996 and has three children with him, wrote that she never called the police because "I thought it would get better."
For his part, R. Kelly says,
"My wife and I had a heated argument, and we are now in the process of working it out," R. Kelly said in a statement released Monday (September 26). "We hope that the press and public will give us the time and privacy we need to resolve this very personal situation."
It seems almost perfunctory to point out that Kelly's current meal ticket is a lengthy tale of personal situations decidedly not resolved, in which Kelly fires off a Beretta and does a little choking. But I think we can all agree that Kelly's private life has been so exemplary that his request is more than fair, really.

Also of interest is Something Awful's Cliffs Notes on "Trapped In The Closet."

Monday, September 26, 2005

Contrails: Demi and Ashton Have Wed, Paris And Paris Still Haven't, And Brad Looks Terrific In A Beret

  • Us Weekly exclusive: Ashton Kucher and Demi Moore were married Sunday night in their Beverly Hills home. The notable fact that eight Us reporters were required to bring you this story seems like the punchline to a instantly forgettable joke.
  • A Socialite's Life posted those Us Weekly pictures of a young Brad Pitt that I mentioned a week or so ago. Well worth a gander.
  • More allegations (here and here) that the Paris Hilton-Paris Latsis engagement is off. Please note that the only credited source for this information is He Paris's father, who you'll recall last claimed that he'd never heard that they were even dating. Also note that the couple dined together at Koi last week.

Olsens Groom Sprouse Twins For Further Degradation Of American Youth Culture

Teen People reports:
Having spent the past decade conquering the girl market, twin moguls Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen now have their sights set on an entirely new retail target: boys.

"My sister and I started the whole 'tween empire," Ashley, 19, tells the Wall Street Journal. "I definitely see the potential for boys to do that sort of thing."

To that end, the newspaper reports, the Olsens's Dualstar Entertainment Group has signed 13-year-old blond twins Cole and Dylan Sprouse as the combined face for a new line of DVDs, CDs, sporting goods and clothing -- as well as videogames and cellular downloads.

The Sprouses' resume includes stints on Friends and roles in the Adam Sandler comedy Big Daddy. Calling them "boy boys in every sense of the term," their manager, Josh Werkman, tells the Journal: "They love to rollerblade, they like to surf, skate and are into videogames. ... They love animals."

No retailer has signed on to the new line, which is aiming to launch in 2006, but the Journal said Wal-Mart is one of the considerations.
It would appear that Terror Has A New Face.
Or two, I guess. Whatever.

Hilary Duff Web Journal 9/26/05

H-To-The-Dizuff has just updated her web journal. To wit:
HELLO everyone!!! It has definately been a long time. I have been sooo busy. We have just wrapped the "Still Most Wanted Tour" this past weekend in Puyallup, WA and the tour was awesome. You guys rock! Thank you so much for being so supportive of my music. I love you guys. Well, since Cheaper By the Dozen 2 is coming out soon I have interviews scheduled all day today. So, it's pretty much a "press" day for me. OMG, I am so excited that I am going to be 18 this Wednesday the count down has begun!! Thanks to everyone who has sent birthday cards and letters; I can't read them all but the letters that I have seen were great and very much appreciated. Gotta go! Press Day! Love ya'll, Hil xoxo
I feel I should point out that the aquamarine font is Hil's handiwork, not mine. Credit where credit's due and all that....

Saturday, September 24, 2005

'The Simple Life' Update: 'The Simple Wife'?

It's been mere days since Paris Hilton insisted that casting for the fourth season of The Simple Life was not finalized. Now several sources are supporting the long-held public assumption that Nicole Richie will appear opposite Paris, and that the two feuding ex-BFFs will film at separate locations. Us Weekly's Hot Stuff claims that the two will trade duties as substitute housewives in various "reality" households. "Since they are engaged to be married," says Hot Stuff's hot source, "we thought it would be fun to have them be wives-in-training. Both of them are into it." Tentatively titled The Simple Wife, oral sex jokes involving overweight and inadequately-toothed men from Tennessee are sure to ensue. Asked if a reconciliation between the two is possible, the source says, "We're not holding our breath." Hot Stuff claims that filming may commence as early as November, and that producers have begun scouting locations and screening families, including a lesbian couple and "an inner-city family." U.N. Spacy is unsure what "inner-city family" specifically refers to, but we're confident Fox's definition is sufficiently racist for the purposes of comedically timed record-skip sound effects.

Teen Pop Albums The Latest S.T.D. Sweeping L.A.

Tragically, 2005 will be remembered by many as the year when so many bright entertainment industry futures succumbed to sexually transmitted disease. It might seem cavalier to say so, but these days you can almost guarantee that if you've dated, slept with, or shared a press junket with anyone with a pop single under his or her belt, you're sure to experience the following symptoms:
  • a new rock-star image
  • belief that your musical vision is exciting, desirable, and necessary
  • a perceived duty to aid in the pushing of musical boundaries
  • sensation of unyielding individuality
  • insistence on an aversion to all things "normal"
  • extremely recent (and overwhelmingly unconfirmed) attempts to take up a musical instrument
  • compulsive citation of My Chemical Romance, The Killers, and Gwen Stefani as influences
  • calculated referencing of The Smiths, Mars Volta, or Madonna
  • boasts of association with Lil Lon, Pharrell Williams, or especially Scott Storch
  • frequent urges to hint at possible "guest spots"
  • half-hearted denial of correlations between song lyrics and your own high-profile relationship history
  • likening musical performance to acting, and likening acting to whatever it is you do all day
It would seem that Laguna Beach's Talan Torriero is the most recent victim of this merciless epidemic, for which there is presently no known cure. Inside sources suggest that Torriero most likely contracted the malady from Lindsay Lohan, whom he is rumored to have dated, and possibly even cheated on.

UPDATED: A Very Special Episode Of 'The Simple Life'

WENN/IMDB News reports:
Socialite Paris Hilton is at the center of a Maryland police investigation after information leaked to the authorities claims she has allegedly offered teenagers drugs and alcohol. Baltimore Police officials have confirmed they're taking the reports very seriously, adding Hilton could face a hefty fine and jail time if she's found guilty. The allegations stem from an episode of reality show The Simple Life: Interns, when Hilton reportedly offered teens marijuana and bourbon to "loosen them up" for a taped segment. One of the teens involved has told police, "She loaded myself and two other underage kids on shots of Jack Daniels to loosen us up for the show."
I don't entirely doubt that Paris would offer drugs or alcohol to teens, but for pete's sake, people! You're telling me that, on a heavily peopled set, Paris pulled a couple of minors aside and did the whole "Hey kids, I've got something that'll really loosen you up..." thing? What is this, a 1987 D.A.R.E. commercial? Next you're gonna tell me you once caught her offering assorted pills of dubious origin to children off the lid of a trash can in a graffiti-splattered dark alley, and that were it not for the intervention of a concerned rapping cartoon character, those kids would be trading "dates" for crack today.

UPDATE: WGAL reports:
Baltimore City police said they have taken a look at allegations against socialite Paris Hilton and have concluded that there was no wrongdoing.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Publicist Finally Allows Lohan To Respond To Public's Weight Concerns

Arguably one of the bigger stories of the day, Entertainment Tonight reports that, in an interview with Jann Carl, Lindsay Lohan finally responded to speculation on her weight without using the excuses of puberty or family stress. Not much, anyway. "I was going through a rough time and I probably wasn't taking care of myself -- I wasn't. I want to encourage young girls to not get to that point."

Contrails:Kimberly Stewart's Fake Boobies Hang In Jack Osbourne's Bathroom

  • Xtina Aguilera reveals details of her wedding to Jordan Bratman in Us Weekly. Although no date is set, Xtina already knows that she will wear a Christian Lacroix gown, and that the wedding will be a multi-day celebration. Says Xtina, "There's a theme for each night. Our love of Japan will definitely come through."
  • Page Six reports that George Clooney was recently sighted on West 55th Street in Manhattan giving a $20 bill to a panhandler. A passerby said, "That was nice of you." Clooney replied with a smile, "He's my uncle."
  • Jay-Z signs The Roots to Def Jam records. The band's first release for the label will be The Game Theory, which should hit streets in February or March 2006. Drummer ?uestlove actually attempted to argue that being on Def Jam doesn't necessarily guarantee a cameo from retired rap's reigning king. Almost immediately, he realized that this claim was uttetly ridiculous.
  • Meanwhile, music fans bemoan the fact that Nick Cannon's acting career is eclipsing his illustrious music-making.
  • Queen of Class Kimberly Stewart tells Us Weekly about the removal of her breast implants. "Jack Osbourne wanted them, so I framed them and he put them on his bathroom wall."

Hilton 'Vanity Fair' Interview Teeming With Lies And Omissions!

We here at U.N. Spacy pride ourselves on delivering hard facts. It is simply not in our interest to regurgitate hearsay and slander from historically unreliable sources. With these nobile aims in mind, we present Star Magazine's rebuttal of Paris Hilton's interview with Vanity Fair.

Responding to Hilton's claim that she's not sexual at home, Star quotes an unnamed Hilton ex-lover, who says, "She's the most sexual person I've ever dated.... We did it in every bathroom, every changing room, every bar, every nook and cranny we could get into. She's even had sex in clubs, in open view of people." Plus, he confides to Star, "It's not just men. She's sexual with girls and guys — she's hooked up with a lot of girls." What exactly think Vanity Fair is protecting us from? This is the kind of stuff readers need to know!

The interview states that Hilton "has all but given up late-night club hopping." Oh yeah? Says Star,
That claim fails to take into account scores of recent sightings of Paris club hopping — not just at her usual U.S. haunts, but also with fiancé Latsis in his native Greece! Hilton has a long history of partying. A friend says, "She and her sister Nicky used to crash bar mitzvahs at the Waldorf, and they'd get drunk."
Holyshityourekiddingme! How the hell did Vanity Fair miss that?

But wait, there's more. Paris' still-unnamed ex says that although Paris Latsis may believe his fiancee has settled down, she's partying behind his back, often sneaking out with friends after having a quiet dinner with him.

On the interview's claim that Hilton is "an avid cook who makes a mean lasagna," an insider tells Star, that although the heiress does like to cook, "she's no gourmet or anything. After all, she practically grew up in a hotel with room service." Oh, snap! The friend adds that Hilton's fridge is stocked with "Red Bull, Coke, jelly and American cheese for making grilled-cheese sandwiches." What were they doing over there? Man, I'm never reading Vanity Fair again!

Lohan Finds Boyfriend In Kristen Cavallari's Bed, Handles Glassware Indelicately

Page Six reports:
LINDSAY Lohan is the jealous type. "Laguna Beach" bad girl Kristen Cavallari told Rolling Stone: "One night when [Lohan and fellow 'Laguna Beach' star Talan] were dating, I slept in Talan's bed, I mean, I was fully clothed, wearing a long T-shirt — nothing went down," she says, her lips creeping into a smile. "Then at, like, 6 a.m. Lindsay comes in and freaks out! She starts crying, going 'Aaargh!' and slams a glass on the table. I was like, 'Are you kidding me right now?' Talan had to tell her to leave."
I'm not sure how much of a story this is, actually. A globally recognized hussy is in LiLo's boyfriend's bed, LiLo walks in on them, and... rests a glass on a table loudly. This is probably the least plausible Lohan item I've read all month. Nice try, Page Six, but we're not biting this time. Typically, Lohan's dry-bread-heel- eating publicist denies the allegations. For once, we're more than willing to believe her.

Jennifer Love Hewitt Doesn't Shower Alone, Sends Bed To Matt Damon

I know the very fiber of your being is resistant to hearing this, and I understand that this won't be easy, but I hafta tell you that Jennifer Love Hewitt is kind of a moron. Two stories today corroborate this admittedly bold claim.

First, I Don't Like You In That Way reports:
Jennifer Love Hewitt says that a ghost watches her when she takes a shower... ever since meeting with an exorcist to research her role in Ghost Whisperer which premiers tonight on CBS. Shortly after the meeting, Hewitt began noticing "strange things" at home, including lights flickering on and off and mysterious footsteps. But her most terrifying experience came when she was showering and turned to see a ghostly male figure leering at her naked. Hewitt says, "The ghost had a crush on me and liked to see me showering."
If it's true that "crush" means "leer at large-breasted women while they shower," I think my analyst and I may are finally due for a big breakthrough next session. But seriously folks, this is fairly run-of-the-mill eccentric/uneducated celebrity antics, or more likely a distasteful promotional stunt. But What Would Tyler Duden Do tells us a much stranger tale that involves no less than Matt Damon. Here it is straight from the horse's mouth:
"There was this article and it was about Matt Damon, and he was saying that he works so much that he doesn't feel like he has a bed of his own anywhere. And it really struck me as this sort of sad thing. I was like, 'He's famous and he's so cute and he's Matt Damon and he should feel like he has a bed.' It just made me sad. So I sent him a bed. I sent him an AeroBed and a comforter and sheets. I wrote in there that I was a huge fan and that I wanted him to travel with it and feel like he had a bed wherever he went. I never heard back from him. I have [seen him since] and he's kind of looked at me a little weird."
Famous + cute = a worthy candidate for peculiar charity? Damon's "weird" look likely means several things at once. (1) I'm not homeless, jobless, or living in famine-ridden region of Africa. I'm actually wealthy enough to buy my own beds. (2) Fan mail from celebrities is way creepier than the regular micronian stuff. (3) Holy shit, that's that freak Jennifer Love Hewitt! Possibly also (4) I know what you did last summer.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Hollywood's Roosevelt Hotel: Positively THE Place To Not Speak To Each Other

This week Hollywood's elite crowned the region's top destination for rivalry, snubbery, and even ominous glares. Sunday the Roosevelt Hotel hosted an I'm-not-even-acknowledging-that- cunt's-presence, Paris Hilton sharing eye-rolls with Kimberly Stewart and Mary-Kate Olsen while Nicole Richie aggressively fidgeted with her swizzle stick beside Mischa Barton on the other side of the bar. Lindsay Lohan flitted back and forth between the opposing armies, apparently much to Richie's dismay.

On Tuesday Teen Vogue appropriately chose the same location for their Young Hollywood party. This time it was LiLo's turn to represent. Backed by Richie, DJ AM, and Kirsten Dunst, she showed Hilary Duff that when you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way. For her part, Duff proved that against the Sharks, you'll need every man you've got, counting among her ranks Joel Madden, Stavros Niarchos (Mary-Kate's boy), "sister" Haylie, half the goddamned cast of Laguna Beach, and a potent secret weapon in the form of Wilmer Valderrama.

The New York Daily News characterizes the scene as "two factions on opposite sides of the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel pool." Reportedly, "ominous glares" were exchanged "all night long." A witness reveals that "there was a lot of tension, a lot of evil looks. Nobody went into the other's territory." Synchronized finger snaps too. I swear.

One source claims that, "Lindsay called Hilary and was like, 'Enough?' And Hilary just said, 'No effing way,' and hung up on her. Hilary's a wolf in sheep's clothing, so Linds is done." When I read this, I choked on my lunch, but had to high-five the nearest person before dislodging the breathe-hindering food debris.

The warlord's reps are truly no fun. LiLo's flack says, "Lindsay came to the event to support her sister Aliana, who was featured in the Young Hollywood issue," as if anyone was asking. Duff's rep says, "Hilary and her sister, Haylie, got there at 9 p.m. and stayed 40 minutes. They didn't even see Lindsay." Actually, I'm guessing those are Hil's exact words, except the "even" should be both italicized and hand-gesture-enhanced.

Postscript: Another source says that Shark Niarchos threw a glass-tossing tantrum in which he shouted, "Get me the good stuff! Patron, not Cuervo!"

Contrails: Paris Hilton Surprises Everyone By Promising Her New Video Will Be "Hot"

  • Catherine Deneuve's new book reveals details of a torrid battle of wills between Lars von Trier and Björk on the set of Dancer in the Dark.
  • George Clooney shoots down rumors that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie plan to marry at his Italian villa - or does he? Says Clooney, “I would know, and I can tell you there’s not going to be a secret wedding.” But what about a not-so-secret wedding? See how tricky Clooney is?
  • Promoting his new film Bubble, Steven Soderbergh proclaims, "I'm just like Fassbinder, but without the drugs and the whores." Let's not overlook ball-handling, Steven. That's crucial to the late auteur's body of work.
  • Paris Hilton's first music video promises to be racy. "It will [definitely have] a lot of sexiness," says the 24-year-old socialite. "If I did a [fast-food] commercial that hot, imagine what I can do with my own video." The thing is, Paris, no one has to.

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 555 - Oct. 3, 2005 (Zellweger-Ripa Tie)

I'm not gonna lie, this week's standings are booooorrrriiinnnggg. Though it does constitute the first tied victory in U.N. Spacy's young life, this issue is all about the feature stories.

(1) Renee Zellweger. 11 images.
(tie) Kelly Ripa. 11 images.
Some marriages work; others not so much. Us doesn't care either way, as long as the words "sexy" and "romantic" can be employed (in present or past tense) in captions. Zellweger astonished the world by splitting from her cowboy hat. Kelly Ripa endures a hard-hitting interview on how her marriage to Mark Consuelosis the totally the best in the whole universe.

(3) Mark Consuelos. 9 images.
(tie) Prince Harry. 9 images.
Regarding Consuelos, see above. Prince Harry is nearly 21, and here gives a trifle of an interview about booze, girls, his family, etc. Oh, and he says he regrets wearing a Nazi armband, which I really wasn't expecting.

(5) Jennifer Aniston. 8 images.
(tie) Shannon Elizabeth. 8 images.
Jenn goes on Oprah to talk about everyone's favorite inspirational tale of bravery, faith, and survival. But right now you're probably more concerned with what in God's name Shannon Elizabeth did to land so much Us coverage? She gets her hair done in a Matrix ad, that's what! All eight shots come from a single three-page advertisement. The pictures shows Matrix's application of shampoo, bodifying spray gel, and hair spray in step-by-step inset shots, appropriately recalling the freeze-frame thumbnails for which Elizabeth is best known. Similarly, Heather Graham pulls off two full-page shots plugging for Skyy and Garnier.

With the Emmy's just last weekend, this issue has a bit of a sub-competition: The Desperate Housewives. Eva Longoria (7), Marcia Cross (6), Felicity Huffman (5), Teri Hatcher (5), Nicolette Sheridan (3). Bet Hatcher's wishing she sat in for that photo now!

Other notables include Ken Chesney, who can only pull four pics with a cover story - but that's what happens when you wear a fucking cowboy hat! As for our favorite party girls, Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie appear three times each, Jeremy Piven twice, and Paris Hilton four times. Not a very impressive showing, girls! Brad Pitt earns three, while Angelina Jolie rolls a one. Sienna Miller gets two shots. Despite Us's enthusiastic coverage of their engagement, there isn't room for more than one shot apiece for Rebeca Romijn and Jerry O'Connell. Hilary Duff singles, as do Our Savior Jessica Simpson and Britney Spears (I don't wonder why). And Debra Messing gets five shots!

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Rebecca Romijn-O'Connell

Us Weekly reports:
Jerry O'Connell, 31, and Rebecca Romijn. 32, are getting married. Romijn's publicist tells Us, ''They are engaged.'' (O'Connell's publicist also confirms the engagement.) A source close to the couple tells Us, ''Jerry popped the question over the weekend. He asked her at his family's apartment in Manhattan that he grew up in. They've only told their closest family members and friends.'' The source adds, ''But she is 100% not pregnant.'' Romijn, a former model who rercently [sic] has been shooting X Men 3, divorced ex-husband John Stamos last April after ten years; she began dating O'Connell, star of NBC's Crossing Jordan, last summer.

On Monday Sept. 19, the newly engaged couple hopped an early morning United Airlines flight from Newark to Los Angeles, during which they cuddled in the first class section. ''It looked like they hadn't slept in a few days,'' a passenger told Us. ''But they were glowing.'' The passenger added, ''She was wearing a humongous diamond ring.''

That's right folks, the celeb couple whose pictures I always flip right past because they're mind-numbingly boring hadn't "slept in a few days," and "were glowing." That's Us Insider speak for "daaaaamn they sure got with the fuck-ing this weekend! And lemme tell ya, it was noisy!" As for the 100% not pregnant bit, I give the gift of ridicule to you, dear readers. Use it well.

Is She... No That's Not Possible, But Isn't That Glass Filled With... It Couldn't Be, There's Just No... HOLY SHIT LINDSAY'S DRINKING RED WINE!!!

[Picture courtesy A Socialite's Life.] Normally I'd type something bitchy here, but today I pass the keyboard to kelyseyw91391, who vents her consternation on IMDb's message boards.
I was on the computer one day reading about Lohan, and found out she does drugs,smoaks, and goes to club parties. My mom told me she saw it on tv but for some stupid reason i was like that cnt be true, then i found out it was true. And I also saw it on a magizine. You know Lindsay, i used to be your fan, but im not anymore because of what you do, and if you would change your life style, then ybe i will br your fan, and if i had to choose between you and hilary, i would most deffitnly choose hilary because she lives a better life then you [um, sic].
Snatothemothafuckinizap! Heated debate over whether or not booze, cigarettes, and drugs definitively make one a bad person ensues.

JC Chasez Learns Much From 50 Cent's Dilligent Research

Recently rap star 50 Cent opened up the books on his months of pop music study, teaching the world a hard lesson about marketing albums with divergent personas. It appears that Mr. Cent's research hasn't fallen on deaf ears. JC Chasez, for one, has answered Mr. Cent's call to arms.

Chasez wasn't entirely satisfied with his first solo album, which was titled - ahem - Schizophrenic. MTV News reports that Chasez is putting the finishing touches on a follow-up to that record, and taking more than a little of Mr. Cent's advise. Says Chasez,
"The last one had a pretty broad spectrum, so this time I'm gonna give people more of a journey in the same direction."
Mr. Cent-1, Split-Personality Pop Artists-0.

Paris Hilton Looks At Members Of Opposite Sex, Still Uncertain About 'Simple Life' Casting

MSNBC reports that Paris Hilton has been casting "long, loving looks" at Ricardo Mansur, an ex-boyfriend of John Casablancas' pick for the Nobel Prize, Gisele Bundchen.

People, this shit has gone ridiculous. In another window, do a google images search for Paris Hilton. Glance over the results, then come back. Now then, how many of those pictures did not feature Paris casting "long, loving looks?" Get what I'm saying? Paris is not one for subtlety. If she were going to run around behind Man Paris's back, you'd now be scrolling through four posts worth of pictorials and streaming video featuring objectionable camerawork and lighting decisions. But moving right along, the same item reports,
Hilton seems confused about another partnership as well. The star of the reality show “The Simple Life” was telling people [at a recent photo shoot] that she had no idea who her co-star would be, even though show insiders say that Nicole Richie has a contract to appear opposite in the series. Hilton, however, is telling people “we start shooting in November, but I’m not sure who I will appear with.”
This morning The Superficial shared a number of theories about Paris's odd behavior, but I feel like the answer might be much simpler: maybe Paris Hilton's gets her news from WENN/IMDb.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Contrails: That Jordan, She Sure Is One Classy Dame!

  • The formerly-babytoothed Mena Suvari has her publicists fax her tabloid coverage to herself and, when brutally inappropriate, her ex-husband.
  • Page Six nonchalantly reports that Jeremy Piven's "new best pals" are Mary-Kate Olsen, Lindsay Lohan, and Kelly Osbourne. Since dude's damn near forty, U.N. Spacy encourages readers to point and laugh.
  • More pictures from the wedding of Jordan and Peter Andre. And that means more tiara.
  • 50 Cent tells MTV News that "In the history of music there hasn't been an artist that's successful — I did my research, so trust me — that put out an album that was themed with a split personality or more than one type of personality." U.N. Spacy would never question your powers of academic inquiry, Mr. Cent, and we totally got your back on this one. You can't go spittin' all thug one minute, then suddenly switch it up and, I dunno, do a music video with Brandy or a song about, let's for the sake of argument say, a candy shop. That shit just won't bump in the streets.
  • Anyone else notice meta-record-review guru Brent DiCrescenzo's contributions to Pitchfork Media over the last couple weeks? After last year's pseudo-retirement (or whatever is you call it when you grow tired of writing record reviews), it appears Brent may be gettin' a little Jigga with us.

Despite Much-Publicized Retirement, Jay-Z Cannot Abide Rappers Talking Greasy; Boston Crab To Ensue

Hip-hop's most famous retiree is back in the headlines. First, Billboard reported:
Def Jam president/CEO Jay-Z [...] is mulling the creation of the label Def Jam Left, which he describes as "an artist-driven label with very low deals so people are not pressured by first-week SoundScan [sales], so we can build artists." Jay-Z is also hoping to make the Roots the first signee to the imprint. "I'm talking to the Roots right now," he adds. "I'm confident to put out there that we might make this happen. The label would probably begin at the top of the year, but I hope to have the Roots signed by the time they get off their international tour."

In late April, Roots drummer ?uestlove told Billboard.com the group was about 60% finished with a new album, "Game Theory." The set is tipped to feature a collaboration with Black Star's Mos Def and Talib Kweli called "Where I Come" and another song with just Mos Def, "Workin' on It." The Roots were previously signed to MCA and then Geffen.
Not only that, Jay-Z adds that he may get around to recording another album of his own.
"You all are hearing things from me -- you just haven't heard an album," he says. "Who knows? I'm still going in the studio, getting on remixes and things like that. But it's the people. When people want something bad enough, it happens. And they want it bad (laughs). I'm trying to hold out, but I don't know how long I can."
Shortly thereafter Billboard reported that Jay-Z is performing onstage in New Jersey and Philadelphia in October. These shows began making headlines in earnest when the retiree declared war on wack MCs. MTV News, among others, covered the story.
"I declare war!" Jay said. Hov told radio personality Ed Lover that he's been hearing some rappers talking greasy about him and he is going to "air them out" onstage.

Doomsday — at least for some — is scheduled for October 27 at the Continental Airlines Arena in East Rutherford, New Jersey. That's when Power 105 is staging its Power House concert, for which it's turned the reins over to Jay for another Jay-Z and Friends outing[...]

"I got a lot of records," Hov told Lover. "I'm getting the itch. I need to see the people. It's time for a good show in New York City ... I gotta flip on some people."

Jay said that despite his track record, some rappers are "hard-headed" and "not too many people make it out of the figure-four leg lock. I gotta put 'em in the choke hold, the Boston crab. I gotta smash a couple of people.... Everybody better make up and be my friend."
There you have it. Last month U.N. Spacy warned of a major retired MC showdown. Today U.N. Spacy reports that that day has come. I don't wanna raise unrealistic expectations, but I daresay we're on the brink of a retired MC renaissance.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Simpson-LaChappelle Feud Wages On

Last week U.N. Spacy reported on photographer David LaChappelle's derisive comments about the Simpson sisters. Today we bring you the inevitable rebuttal from Jessica's publicist, who you may recall U.N. Spacy has some affection for.
"Jessica and Ashlee never did the photoshoot with David LaChapelle. He is bitter because the girls refused to compromise their integrity due to the type of shots he wanted to take. The girls were willing to compromise ideas and bring them into a more believable/fan friendly format but David LaChapelle was unwilling to work with them. It was his way or the highway. The Simpson girls chose the highway! They will never compromise their values for a photoshoot. They will always be true to their hearts and if that is uncool then they completely welcome being uncool! One must stand strong to remain strong!"
Everyone who's read this has already pointed out that, after the Dukes promotional push, Jessica pretty much has to bathe in giraffe semen to compromise her values. But the story doesn't end here. 'Cause see, LaChappelle re-rebuts!
"I want to apologize to the Simpson family, because I never meant any offense - to either Marge or Bart or Homer or the rest of them. Matt Groening is a genius, and I never meant to offend him by association. Those Simpsons rule."
Erm, oh snap? I guess?

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 554 - Sept. 26, 2005 (Pitt By 1)

A cover story on pregnant stars and a totally arbitrary feature on the Us Weekly's Young Hot A-list (as if readers of this column couldn't compile a better list!) help make this week's Photo Death Match something of a mess. Overall scores are low, and page space is spread amongst an unusually large number of celebs. You could argue that this is a more democratic Us, but then people might find out that you argued that there was a more democratic Us. I recommend against it.

(1) Brad Pitt. 8 images.
A dude frontrunner is always rare. Also, always Brad Pitt. How does he win this one? There's hardly any Brangelina fanfare in this ish, but there is a four-shot "Before Brad Was Big" spread. The photos incorporate white cargo pants with snap-cuffs, a beret, a friendship bracelet, and a tropically-themed baseball cap with upturned bill. If Maddox ever lays hands on these, expect lengthy weekend stays at Billy Bob's place.

(2) Britney Spears. 7 images.
Our coverage of Britney's reproduction has been so scant that a few readers missed it altogether. It's just not all that interesting to U.N. Spacy. More to the point, it's proved entirely too interesting to the rest of the, ahem, blogosphere. Now when the creature begins to speak? That shit'll be gangbusters! Us rushed the cover story, and it shows. Matter fact, aside from the cover headline, the ish provides no info on the actual birth. But it does tell us that Kevin Federline will release a CD in January. "He is sure he will be a huge rap star."

(3) Jennifer Garner. 6 images.
(tie) Heidi Klum. 6 images.
I hafta confess, I don't even read these domestic fluff pieces. I see the word "nest," I count pics and flip page. Stories so transparently publicist-composed are normally great reads, but it seems like every pregnant star employs the same representation. Basically, pregnant star features are madlibs, and you too can play the game! First, pick an adjective describing the father's enthusiasm. Next, enter a brief clause describing your preferred method of delivery. Finally, briefly summarize the way you plan to dissolve 100% of your baby weight in under twelve days. Insert your answers into the appropriate blanks, and instantly transform yourself into a down-to-earth sweetheart!

(tie) Jennifer Aniston. 6 images.
(tie) Ben Affleck. 6 images.
Aniston's on like her sixth issue of updates on how she's "Moving On After Brad," and I've stopped reading these also. It's definitely become clear that Us has had more trouble recovering from their separation than Jen has. Meanwhile, Affleck's shit-eating grin rides shotgun while Garner and their fetus drive the couple into the winners circle.

Nicole Richie, Jessica Alba, Gwen Stefani, and J.Lo rack up five shots apiece. Paris Hilton shows three times. Jessica Simpson continues her cold stay in Us solitary confinement, barely managing three shots. Eva Longoria's two is simply miserable this close to the Emmys. Sienna Miller, Rachel McAdams, and Lindsay Lohan all bat for singles.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Aaron Carter To "Lay Down Some Hot Tracks" With Pharrell Williams

Aaron Carter is almost eighteen, which is a good thing because it means an end at least to his legally-permissable porking of fourteen-year-old child stars. The below story demands the sort of response that the English language simply isn't up to. More than words is what you'll need me to show. Then I won't have to say how much I hate Aaron Carter.

MTV reports:
When we first met Aaron Carter, he was a pre-pubescent, mop-topped singer best known for being Backstreet Boy Nick's little brother. Now, as the blond heartthrob nears adulthood, Carter is looking to ditch his teenybopper persona and churn out, well, grown-up music. "I'm taking my time trying to transition because the Aaron Carter you saw back then — now [I'm] a completely different person," the 17-year-old singer told MTV News. "My voice has changed. It's gotten more mature. It's going to be more adult oriented and not just for little kids."

The pop crooner was only 10 when he found international fame with his 1998 self-titled LP. U.S. success came with 2000's Aaron's Party (Come Get It), which went double-platinum in the U.S. and hit #4 on Billboard's albums chart thanks to the in-your-dreams single "That's How I Beat Shaq."
Now, Carter is looking to recruit one of the industry's most sought-after beat makers to produce a follow-up to 2002's Another Earthquake, which failed to make a blip on the charts.


"I'm actually going to be working with Pharrell Williams probably at the end of the year, when I turn 18," the singer said. "When that big day comes, we're gonna lay down some hot tracks." Carter is also intent on having more creative input this time around. "I'm starting to write all my own music and own my own style," he explained.
But before he hits the recording studio, the singer/actor — who can currently be seen onscreen in the motorcycle-racing action flick "Supercross" starring Mike Vogel ("Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants") and Sophia Bush ("One Tree Hill") — will be in Los Angeles for the next two months making his rounds in the über-competitive audition circuit, looking for his next big-screen gig.
In the meantime, Carter has the teen romance "Popstar" ready for release. The singer plays — you guessed it — a famous pop star in the film. Riding high on his fame, Carter's character is slapped back to reality by his mother, who forces him to go back to high school to raise his failing home-school grades. If the teenage superstar doesn't pass his classes, his sold-out summer tour gets scrapped.
"It's a love story," Carter explained. "I [get this girl to tutor me] and end up falling in love with her." Brace yourself for some '70s throwbacks — former teen idols David Cassidy and Leif Garrett make appearances in the film, set for DVD release in November.


PS: