Thursday, August 25, 2005

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 551 - Sept. 5, 2005 (Pitt Wins By 2)

Ferocious Us Weekly terror Jessica sucker-punches Jen in the face, but only after Tyler Durden reads the Fight Club rules....

(1) Brad Pitt.
15 images.
This week Jennifer Aniston learns that under no circumstances is there ever sympathy for Number One. Jen scores the cover shot and a beefy feature article, entirely on the basis of her jilted-wife status. Trojan-horse-style, the very man who helped her make the cover sneaks fourteen of his amazing fifteen shots into Jen's article, which is hardly civil. Take note that this is the first time I've ever seen a dude on top (keep your filthy jokes to yourself, please).

(2) Jessica Simpson. 13 images.
For the second week Our Savior bitterly gnaws on a slice of humble pie. Interestingly, Jess uses li'l sis Ash as a pawn, enabling Jess to advance into articles like "Jessica vs. Ashlee: Who Wore It Best?" Everyone knows Ash can't stand on her own feet - not in a pictorial, not in an interview, and certainly not onstage. Ash couldn't be more boring if she were an expired box of bulgar wheat. I mean, really, what can one say about the girl now that the SNL jokes have gone stale? Understandably, Ash's bustier, more awe-inspiringly noxious older sister is brought in as both support and counterpoint - but mostly as a buffer. Jessica's shrewd bait-and-switch gets the job done, but if Jess is serious about reclaiming the top spot, she should consider leaking juicier details about her crumbling marriage. Or, I dunno, show us her crotch.

(3) Ashlee Simpson. 9 images.
Ah shit.... Hey, her sister is Jessica Simpson!

(4) Jennifer Aniston. 8 images.
What was that Jen? No, I'm not aware of any live munitions in the vicinity. Oh, that? I'm pretty sure that was just the booming call of an "Oh, Snap!" you just heard. Readers are warned not to sell Jen short just yet though - she's already laid the groundwork for a hell of a Plan B.

(tie) Hilary Duff. 8 images.
Duff's cruel scepter of power gets even crueller, with a two-page story on her "sleek new figure." Although she discusses a total upheaval of her eating habits, Duff attributes her "super slim-down" to "growing up" and "stetching out." Others might say Lilo aping. Watch for a gross-out eating disorder issue in the near future, filled with bewildered questions of what (oh, what!?!) could be driving these girls to such unhealthy dieting habits.

Lilo landed four, Paris three. Nicole had a very minor comeback, managing five shots, which I guess is enough to return her to my good graces. Last week's upsets Ben and Jen nestled back into quiet rural land of the threes. Rachel McAdams scored three. Tara Reid, Mischa Barton, Beyonce Knowles, Sienna Miller, and even Angelina Jolie all settled for singles.

Not one of last week's picks showed well, so I guess we've established that I haven't quite got the swing of this third eye thing. But if you're curious, I say Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson, Cameron Diaz, Sienna Miller, Scarlett Johansson, and Diddy will all be big players next week.


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