Friday, August 05, 2005

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 548 - Aug. 15, 2005 (Simpson By 3)

On time this week! As anticipated, Simpson does the damn thing. As always, we stare, transfixed.

(1) Jessica Simpson. 14 images.
The Dukes push continues to help the already capable Simpson dance all. over. everybody. Feature article "Keeping Her Dukes Body" doesn't hurt, but accounts for a mere half of her pictures. Christ, there are two nearly full-page facial close-ups printed for a side-by-side analysis of the evolution of her visage (by the way, if you've never carefully examined a Simpson headshot circa 2001... don't). If she were to seriously devote herself to evil, well, let's not dwell on that.

(2) Angelina Jolie. 11 images.
(3) Brad Pitt. 10 images.
(4) Jennifer Aniston. 9 images.
Oh snap, that's some cold shit. You'd figure a wronged woman with a tell-all cover story could count on Us supremacy, however fleeting. If getting trounced by Jessica's bikini bod wasn't enough, Jen got taken to the goddamn cleaners by both her ex-husband (who, by the way, isn't even female) and his lover. And most of their appearances are in Jen's article! She can take some comfort in the fact that little Zahara (2) succumbed to the ol' sophomore slump. For a minute Maddox looked like a threat, but he settled for 4 in the end.

(tie) Cameron Diaz. 9 images.
After that crazy Aniston business, there's really nothing to say about "Cameron & Justin's Golf Getaway."

An interesting bit of Photo Death Match trivia for you: at page 7 Debra Messing (4) held a respectable lead! Last week's strong performer Courtney Cox settled for 5. Denise Richards choked with 2. Britney Spears (4) barely bested step-daughter Kori (3). Lindsay Lohan continued to falter with 6. Sienna Miller plummetted to 3, even though an Us poll indicated that 82% of readers believe the Jude Law scandal will help her career. Paris Hilton mustered a mere 4 shots, which, depressingly, was enough to beat previously savage contender Nicole Richie (3). Nicole, where were you this week?!? Hilary Duff rolls a 1, because no one cares.

I'm calling next week a Jessica threepeat. Jen will perform well, but she'll be lucky to get even a faint whiff of the clean air way up in the winner's circle. Frankly, the lazy turns by Paris, LiLo, and Nicole (oh Nicole! such high hopes for you I had!) have me far too discouraged to speculate further. Pains me to do this, but those girls' fates are in their own hands now. I won't be waiting up for them next week.


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