Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 547 - Aug. 8, 2005 (Simpson By 2)

Better late than never! As both our readers already know, my copy of the latest ish was waylaid in transit. But that wasn't the only late arrival of the day. Without further ado, let's go ringside and see what's what. (Refresh on rules here.)

(1) Jessica Simpson. 11 images.
A complete no-show until page 30, Jessica instantly brutalizes her cover-story competition. Even in those heels, she maintains a safe lead all the way to the back cover.... If I hadn't been huffing sharpies all last week I would've called this one. More than anything, Us loves to be roughly used by a predatorial promotional push, here splashing seven pictures of Jess over two pages devoted specifically to her Dukes of Hazzard plugging campaign. This is far from Jessica's first taste of the gold, and it certainly won't be the last time we bow to the Queen.

(2) Denise Richards. 9 images.
Simpson's only real competition came from the cover girls, further showcasing the awesome power of Us's number one darling, beside whom even Denise Richards is a micronian. But about Richards, she had a baby, then starved, exercised, and exhausted herself back to slenderness, so Us throws her a cover and a fluff piece (which account for all but one of her pics in this ish).

(3) Angeline Jolie. 8 images.
(tie) Courtney Cox. 8 images.
We get it already - successful mothers are terrific! As with Richards, drop the cover and article, and Jolie only shows once. Cox fairs surprisingly better, and is by far the most unlikely success on the list. She'd earn the coveted UN Spacy thumbs up but, again, five of her shots are tied directly to a single article on her post-partum hormone difficulties.

(5) Nicole Richie. 7 images.
(tie) Zahara Marley Jolie. 7 images.
I don't hear boo from Nicole til page 60, but over a mere eighteen pages, last week's incredible performer again takes Lindsay (5) and Paris (4) to school, spreads gross rumors about them, and convinces all the cute boy's not to go steady with them! Nicole, you're one badass girl. Oh, and Zahara appears in swaddling clothes, strapped to her new mom's torso in all but one of Angelina's shots. Don't be caught ignoring this one - in sixteen years, she'll be back in the winner's circle, and Us is bound to revisit this impressive rookie turn.

Other respectable showings include Petra Nemcova (she survived a tsunami and has a sexy bikini bod!), JLo (wearing what can only be described as an "ass sweater"), and Sienna Miller (congrats on the Edie Sedgwick part - maybe we'll see you next week after all). Laughably pitiful players include Hilary Duff (2, no one cares about her), Scarlett Johansson (2), Jessica Alba (2), Katie Holmes (1), and Mischa Barton (1 - in the goddamned Fashion Police!).

Next week's issue of Baby Machine Weekly Us should hopefully be here Friday. Don't be surprised if Jessica again decimates every blonde in range. I said last week that I was betting on a big Paris showing soon. I stand by that, but frankly I'd rather see the Ironing Board Princess grab the crown. Pray for a face-off!

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