Thursday, August 11, 2005

Simpson OK!'s Weapon Of Choice In Full-Scale War For Supermarket Checkout Line Supremacy

Finally caught up with Dukes last night. After this morning's futile attempts to clean the errant spraytan from my eyes, I find that an undaunted Jessica Simpson refuses to be brushed from these pages.

First, Simpson launches a line of Avenue jeans for plus-size women. Simpson's spokeswoman claims that Simpson had an active creative role in the products, but really the only reason I'm covering this story is that the spokeswoman also says, "Jessica recognizes that she has a very broad fan base." Seriously, Jessica Spokeswoman, I could kiss you right now.

This next item's really got me sweating about tomorrow. In a bid for, well, my money, newcomer OK! Magazine allegedly bought Jessica for $200,000.00. Technically compensation for a cover story in the magazine's first stateside ish, there are now allegations that the deal includes an additional six covers, another hundred grand, and, "precludes Jessica from giving any other magazines major features until all the covers are done, which will be in like two years." (I hope you properly appreciated the way I just submitted valley as journalistic reportage in that quote.) Jessica's rep - this time a spokesman - rebuts,
"OK! approached Jessica to be on the premier cover of their U.S. edition, and she looks forward to working with them again in the future. However, this does not mean that she will not continue to have working relationships with other weekly publications."
Nevertheless, UN Spacy will be factoring this into upcoming Us Weekly Photo Death Match predictions. We're still calling tomorrow another Simpson triumph, but now with trembling unease. Of course, whether Simpson wins or not, this story pretty much definitively crowns her 2005's Glossy Tabloid Queen of the Western World.

UPDATE: Here's the cover shot I couldn't find earlier.


Blogger George said...

Why? Why? WHY?
Where did this conspiracy come from?
For the love of blow, this girl is as compelling as Marie Osmond. I can never remember what we're meant to think she does for a living-- taunt-the-skank amusement for the real teen queens?
There's a fifty-mile queue of disposable, over-stacked ingenues behind her, and she's plugging up the plumbing. Her pair barely warrants a congressional term, much less senatorial.
Please god, make room for the interesting freaks on the front page. I won't be buying the magazines, but leave me my guilty pleasure at the check stand. Bury her on the fashion police page.

1:59 PM  
Blogger Jack McKinney said...

George, as always, your comments bring warmth to this cold Super Dimensional Fortress. And I agree that we've reached a point that Kimberly Stewart would make for a more interesting feature than Simpson. Hell, Hilar... well, skip it.

Also, you can see the JS line of jeans here:

3:30 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home