Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Simpson Family Roundup

Superdad Joe Simpson gets not one but two opportunities to gab about his daughters in today's headlines!

First, Jessica says,
"At school my boobs were bigger than all my friends’ and I was afraid to show them. Now, I feel they make my outfits look better. They’re like an accessory."
Just like an accessory, Jessica. Except accessories are used to compliment an outfit, bring out the green in your eyes, or hold a cellphone and some pocket change, whereas your boobs are used to resuscitate a career that stalls out in 2001. In fairness, it does sound like Jessica's seen her share of hard knocks, being the chestiest girl in high school and all. Alotta heart, that girl. Gives us all hope. Anyways, Jessica's comments allow Superdad Joe to again reminisce about the salad days of perving on his own daughters, "When we were in church work [my daughters] wore bikinis and short shorts." Remember, Joe's a man of the cloth; this is no horny dad talk. It's parable. "[W]e believe that what’s in the heart is more important than what’s on the outside."

Ashlee's upcoming album gives Joe another chance to remold his family's heart-rending tragedies into life lessons for the masses. The new album is said to feature two songs about her widely-ridiculed Saturday Night Live lipsync fiasco, which Ashlee spent a good week pinning on everyone and everything other than her own inadequate vocal prowess (remember "my acid refux [sic] started acting up"?). Says Joe,
"There's no way to get away from mistakes. There's no way to run away from failure because in everyone's life, you're going to meet it. So we try to teach our girls the way to do it is head on. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go at it. That's the greatest lesson Ashlee's learned."
Let's hope the great lesson pays off for Ash. I need not remind her of what the Simpson family teaches its girls when their sophomore albums fail to perform to expectations - you bustier yourself up, celeb-wed yourself off, and act like a twelve-year-old in front of every camera that'll have you.


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