Thursday, August 25, 2005

Jessica Strikes Back

After suffering shameful defeat at the hands of no less than Jennifer Aniston on the pages of Us Weekly, Jessica Simpson finally enters this week's three-theater heavy-artillery war for tabloid internet supremacy. We've already seen merciless assaults waged by the likes of Sienna Miller, Cameron Diaz, and Eva Longoria (here too). Now that Jessica's entered the fray, there's reason for concern that weapons of mass destruction may be employed - and, in fact, Jessica has already escalated the violence by turning to the notorious V-bomb.

I Don't Like You In That Way brings us not only a shot of Jessica's undergarments, but also the calculated pre-flash preparations. Combined, they make for a chilling study of Jessica's remorseless tactical mind. The steely stare on Jessica's face confronts the photographer and suggests more than a hint of danger - acknowledging her willing submission to his attentions while demanding his attentive complicity in her carefully-plotted revelation. Distracted by the mammary fountain bursting out of the upper portion of the dress, one mightn't notice the index finger of Jessica's left hand slowly, deliberately hooking a satiny hem, preparing for an effortless decimation of her foes and their micronian attempts at titillation. As truly impressed as I am by her cold poise, I caution Jessica not to stir the reflex point presently restrained inside Paris Hilton's dormant pants. Not even Jessica Simpson is a match for darling Paris's commando maneuvers, and I'm concerned that the internet may not have the stamina or bandwidth to host their bikini wax face-off.


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