Friday, August 12, 2005

Jessica Simpson To Save The World!!!

After collecting $200,000.00 (or more, if we're to believe industry rumors), Jessica Simpson reveals to OK! Magazine plans "to do some mission work, visit Third World countries - I have this whole plan to save the world." According to both Oxfam and the U.N., that is exactly the formula for global harmony and an end to poverty! Seems to me OK! got their money's worth. Sure, it's well short of the full-frontal of a divorce-rumor confidential, and it's certainly no "I'm standing on your couch," but a spiritually uplifting bid for saviordom ain't nothing.

Oh but wait, there's so (so!) much more. Simpson tells OK! that these plans are inspired by Angelina Jolie.
"Angelina is one of my biggest role models. I got to interview her recently. I didn't know her at all, but just sitting in front of her, I felt this incredible peace. She was breathtaking. I couldn't help but stare, but it's her inner beauty that you really feel."
In no way does UN Spacy wish to dismiss Jolie's commitment to whatever it is she does that always appears in the "world news" section of Us Weekly. But really people, what the fuck?!? You'd think she was Mother Teresa cross-polinated with the Maharishi these days. I've long since resigned myself to the plain facts that Jolie will be awarded a Nobel Peace Prize, that Peter, Paul, and Mary (or U2) will write a song about her, and that our children will shed beautiful tears when Oscar Ceremony cameras fall on an all-growed-up Maddox as the producers of Angelina's Passion receive their Best Picture honors.

But back to Jessica (always back to Jessica), after recovering from a spell of "incredible peace" (the Jolie-inspired one, not the $200,000.00 one), Jessica says she's determined to adopt. "I've been visiting orphanages with my parents since I was a little girl." Probably "have visited" is more accurately descriptive than "been visiting," but I'll go along with it, since she's saving the world and all. UN Spacy hopes Jessica keeps Lindsay Lohan's needy Japanese orphans in mind when the time comes.

Finally, our Savior remembers to ick us out with further tales of her sickly-sweet dream marriage. "If I got pregnant, I'd be ecstatic, but we're not trying. We're definitely practising though!" I'm told this is where we're supposed to playfully elbow Nick in the ribs and shoot him some approving eyebrow. You can, but frankly I'm a little eyebrowed out after yesterday's punny shenanigans with Jessica's spokeswoman.


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