Thursday, August 04, 2005

Duff Wields Cruel Scepter Of Power Over America's Youth (Still No One Cares)

ABC News reports that Teen People has composed a young Hollywood power list, to be published in next week's issue. UN Spacy's Teen People mole has intimated that the rankings were statistically determined by a weighted combination of box office performance, TRL appearances, number of attempted entertainment formats, BMI, dental whiteness, locker pin-up appearances in five sample middle schools, and high-profile relationship scandal quotient.

Topping the list is Ashton Kutcher, with Lindsay Lohan unsurprisingly securing the number two spot. Orlando Bloom places third (any who question the viablity of his teen power will be visited by a seventh grader named Alexa, who will rapidly deliver a lengthy and labyrinthine oration on Bloom's many and varied qualities, then deride your shoes). Positions five through ten go to Reese Witherspoon, Natalie Portman, Jessica Alba (she is a NASA testpilot, and newly approachable as a blonde), Jake Gyllenhaal, Scarlett Johansson, and Nick Cannon (he's hilarious), respectively.

I omitted number four because it seemed a safe bet that no one would care. But your intuitive powers have done you well - it is indeed Hil to the mothafuckin' Dizuff, here to confirm like a Don King perm. The ramifications of this verge on the apocalyptic, and will become more clear with time, but there are a few certainties we can grapple with in the here and now. Superdad Joe Simpson will need to confiscate Ashlee's razors, and restrict her to slip-on or velcro shoes indefinitely. David Lynch will now very likely raise the whole of his projected $7 billion to relieve America's youth from the "sad state of education." And we really, really need to begin bracing ourselves for the cackling tidal wave of sinister that will be Aaron Carter's memoirs. Most importantly, Duff's stock has risen considerably - she's now a former rival of Teen People's number two (!!!) most powerful name in young Hollywood.


Blogger George said...

Awww. What shoes were you wearing?

3:58 PM  
Blogger Jack McKinney said...

Cool ones, goddamnit!

10:32 AM  

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