Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Nick and Jessica Endorse OK! Check Over to Blender Magazine.

So earlier, UN Spacy reported that Blender took a poll, the results of which showed that its readership believed the Paris and Paris union to be the most likely to crumble. This proves one of two things. 1) The people who read Blender don't know that Eva Longoria wants to marry Tony Parker, or 2) The people who read Blender don't know that Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson are already married. At the very least, they don't read the New York Daily News. Because over there we have a wicked account of the latest goings on in Nick and Jessica's happy marriage. Like this:

At the Ocean Drive/Bodog party at the MTV Video Music Awards in Miami, the not-so-newlyweds seemed to exude all the warmth of liquid nitrogen - and Jessica's wedding ring was conspicuously missing - as they walked the red carpet.

"Are we gonna do this together?" Simpson demanded of her hubby, who shrugged indifferently [...]

Then it looks like things went from bad to worse when one of Jessica's "good friends" showed up at the same party:

Nick didn't seem to be having an easier time at the Setai pool when MTV star Bam Margera - who's been busily denying rumors of a fling with Nick's wife - suddenly appeared.

"He was literally 5 feet from Nick, and they completely ignored each other."

How does this charade continue? How is it that the rumors keep circulating, stories like this keep leaking, and yet the two of them still maintain that they are happily married? It can't simply be fear of bad press. First of all, they have a ton of it as it stands, Joe Simpson not withstanding. Secondly, look at what happened to Angelina Jolie. She's a fucking homewrecker and has never been more famous. I swear to all that is good and holy, that when these two finally announce their divorce 666 will suddenly brand itself into the skin of every human on Earth, the seas will run red with blood and then boil, the skies will rain fire, and pestilence and famine will run rampant across the globe. Because Satan will have finally crossed over and arrived in our world. Because Jessica Simpson will be able to reveal her true form.

Stavros Niarchos World's First Billionaire Freeloader.

Over at Star Magazine, there's an article about how Stavros Niarchos, Mary-Kate Olsen's boyfriend, might be cheating on her. Apparently this is bad for Mary-Kate. In UN Spacy's opinion, this is merely stupidity on the part of Stavros Niarchos. Let's examine the facts. Stavros is heir to a Greek shipping empire. He's never worked a day in his life. Star labels him, if you can possibly believe this, a fucking professional kite-surfer. Whereas Mary-Kate weighs 9 pounds, has a drug problem/eating disorder/both, is a self-made kajillionaire, and may not live out the semester. Stavros. Buddy. Marry this girl. That shipping empire money...that could fall through. Start digging for gold. You have found the motherlode already. You just need to buy a shovel. Screwing around at this point would be, to put it mildly, unwise.

Everything Eva Longoria Says is Important.

UN Spacy expresses surprise that while it remains perfectly OK to slag off on easy targets like Tara Reid and Paris Hilton, nobody seems to mind when a legally classifiable Stupid Bitch like Eva Longoria spouts off about whatever she wants to, somehow warranting a blurb at MSNBC. Let's get one thing straight. Eva Longoria should not be famous. Just because 35-year-old men who watch "Desperate Housewives" for the "hilarious comedy" (right guys?) voted her sexiest woman alive in Maxim doesn't mean she can think, act, or talk. For Chrissake, she dated JC Chasez. Who cares what she thinks about Tom and Katie? Honestly, UN Spacy has no joke here. We just hate Eva Longoria. Because she says things like this. And this. And because stupid people think she is hot, when she really looks like this:

Contrails: Duff Appearance Now Categorized As Normal

  • Hilary Duff headlines People's new Diet Secrets feature. After detailing said Diet Secrets, Duff inexplicably concludes, "I like to look normal." I swear to Christ this girl's trying to make me choke-on-my-lunch to death.
  • Legendary director Terrence Malick and celeb actor Colin Farrell are in talks to work together on Tree of Life beginning next January. The pair also collaborated on the upcoming The New World.
  • Named Sexiest Male Vegatarian by PETA last year, Andre Benjamin, aka Andre 3000, plans to market the tails of gray wolves as fashion accessories in his new clothing line. This may prove difficult for Benjamin, as the gray wolf is classified as an endangered species. Explaining his seemingly contradictory actions, Benjamin says, "I'm a vegan, but I like to look good too." And when he puts it like that, who can criticize?
  • UN Spacy recently posted that Jessica Alba was set to star in a film adaptation of the I Dream of Jeannie series. Alba now refutes those rumors, saying that her current plans are to work on "an independent called The Wake for Miramax." Alba also says that she'll be taking over directial duties on Tree of Life, and that she's spoken with the gray wolves who, it turns out, are all about the Benjamin.
  • A recent poll in Blender Magazine overwhelmingly named Paris Hilton and Paris Latsis the most likely celebrity couple to divorce. But then, Blender readers couldn't poll themselves to a credible conclusion if their 25 Sexiest Moments in Big Beat feature depended on it.
  • In other polling news, BET viewers just named Usher the Finest Man In Entertainment. BET viewers, U clearly got it bad. Congratulations, Usher, U totally schooled Mr. Cent, Nas, Jay Z (???), Denzel Washington, and even Omarion. BET really is all about U. Hell, U even bested LL Cool J, and ladies love that guy. But such blessings come with responsibilty. Can U handle it?

After Months Of Calm, Another Brutal Salvo Reignites Lohan-Duff Feud

MSNBC reports that Lindsay Lohan has tried to settle her beef with Hilary Duff. Says LiLo about the epic feud,
“It was like, literally, four years ago when that happened, we were 14, 15, we liked a boy, it was like a crush," Lohan says. "Eurgh, it was so stupid! And I was like, ‘We have a lot of similar friends in LA, let’s just be cool, so if we see each other everything’s fine.’ I don’t wanna have fights with people.”
But apparently the Micronian Queen and her baggage-handling tranny assistant have refused LiLo's benevolent olive branches.
“I called her last week, and I was like, ‘Do you wanna hang out?’ And her sister hung up the phone on me!”
There's something sinister and complicated happening here, and frankly I'm not sure how to read it just yet. Either Aaron Carter's laid the groundwork for some upcoming TRL appearances, or Duff's people have just supplied LiLo with her September coke binge. A more interesting scenario has Duff surrendering to Carter sex tapes she made with Frankie Muniz on the set of Agent Cody Banks, the shrewd Carter in turn agreeing to bankroll this mutually-beneficial miracle of a headline-grabber with funds raised by back-alley sales of undergarments Paris Hilton kicked off before exiting brother Nick's SUV. But no matter how you trace back the lines of publicist-engineered name-dropping, there's not a plausible case to be made that doesn't involve Lindsay doin' somebody a solid.

...Which raises the question, how was the Simpson family not able to meet Lohan's demands?

Julia Stiles Is Absolutely Desperate For Your Attention

Page Six is all bent outta shape:
Julia Stiles claims she doesn't read this fair column, but the haughty Columbia grad sure knows a lot about us. The actress tells Gotham magazine, "I don't read them. It's just 'ignorance is bliss' in that sense. I know when I take the subway how many people read PAGE SIX, but at the same time, it's a daily newspaper. It's fun fodder for a cocktail party, but those newspapers are used to wrap fish the next day. It would be bad to be so obsessed and self-involved to think that people are actually paying that much attention to you from one little blurb on PAGE SIX."
Yeah, she went there. All but forgotten today, this once-powerful titan of the kid-tested, mother-approved box office hasn't made an impact on any front in about eighteen months. With some high-profile projects due any time now, Stiles has begun a frantic eleventh-hour campaign for exposure - the kind of frenzied publicity push that doesn't have time for nipple slips or pantiless upskirts to slowly trudge their way from Fleshbot to Us Weekly, the kind of last-minute effort whose only recourse is a perilously reckless form of tabloid taunting that guarantees and even demands close scrutiny of Stiles' every tube top and vodkatini. This game of chicken is all or nothing, and only time will tell if Stiles has the fortitude, gumption, and scrap necessary to come out of this on her feet. Welcome to the fray, Ms. Stiles. Best of luck to you.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Contrails: Eva Longoria Not That Talented or Pretty.

  • The Superficial augments its lackluster coverage of the VMA goodie bag with like four pictures of Eva Longoria. I know they think she's totally hot over there (to the tune of two or three stories a week), but let's face it: She looks like shit in those photos. This marks the beginning of UN Spacy's campaign of destruction. Eva must be stopped before she becomes Jessica Simpson.
  • Speaking of Our Savior, Jessica Simpson apparently had a gigantic Diva clause in her Dukes of Hazzard contract. To the tune of six pages, processed by the office of Class-A FreakDad, Joe Simpson. Evidently Jess refused to do press if the demands were not met. Her rep calls the accusations "ridiculous", making said rep the third person to make the list of people that are no fun, and a negative force in my life. Simpson's ass could not be reached for comment, although it did participate in the press tour.
  • Scarlett Johansson claims that she once dated a coke-fiend (last item). She says "You can't trust them, and you never know where they are. They lie. Every time they blow their nose, you're like, 'Hmmm.'" Comments like that make me think that she either dated a guy who did some blow every now and then, and she's such a goody-goody that it freaked her out, or that the PowderFreak (tm) in Question is Michael Bay. A third possibility, I suppose, is that Benicio Del Toro does a lot of blow.
  • After a hypocritical jab at sweet li'l Tara Reid, the newly slutty Charlotte Church goes down in the third on a TKO.

Breaking: Celeb Gossip Community A Bunch of Petty Bitches.

Just to prove we're all a pack of vicious teenagers, IDon'tLikeYouInThatWay would appear to be accusing theSuperficial of some sort of joke-plagiarism. If you look at the comments, it seems that Brendon thinks this happens quite frequently. I'm sure it'll all turn out that Steve Allen came up with the train-tracks bit first. Click here, last item.

UN Spacy Sticks Up for Tara Reid.

Look, people, I love a cheap shot at a drunken slut as much as the next guy. But things are getting a little out of control. Over at IDontLikeYouInThatWay, there's a blurb about Tara Reid booking an entire hotel room just for her shoes. Then there's a nice little jab about how that should have just said "cache of liquor and condoms". Ok, yeah, that's funny. But let's get something straight. We all love our little hobby of sniping at famous people. But why act all surprised at this rather bland level of diva behavior? Are we seriously surprised that a rich party girl boozewench has a lot of fucking shoes? Also, they called Taradise a "train wreck", and I'll have you know that it's anything but. In fact, it puts The Simple Life to shame. Furthermore, I have it on good authority that although Tara does have a lot of booze delivered, she is an excellent tipper.

Jamie Foxx to Mr. Cent: "Tear Down This Wall."

Apparently Jamie Foxx has taken it upon himself to calm the Perfect Storm that is the latest hip-hop feud. Not only was he "distressed" by Suge Knight popping a self-inflicted cap, he also believes that the "Fuck you. No, fuck you" antics of 50-cent and Phat Joe "ruined the evening" at the VMAs. Apparently this didn't cut it on its own. It seems that Foxx is terrified that this whole sorry affair will escalate into Biggie and Tupac territory. Said the guy who played Ray Charles in Stealth: "I love all of those guys, man... [but] if Tupac and Biggie taught you anything, let it go, man." No, Jamie, actually what Tupac and Biggie taught us is that you can totally waste two of the most famous, influential and important icons in modern music, and not only will you get away with it, but nobody will care. And anyway, who does Foxx think he is? Eva Longoria?

Monday, August 29, 2005

Contrails: Reality Star Orgies And Self-Inflicted Gunshot Wounds

  • A recent poll names the top five Sexiest Female TV Stars Of All-Time as follows. 1. Eva Longoria. 2. Jennifer Aniston. 3. Kim Cattrall. 4. Pamela Anderson. 5. Sarah Michelle Gellar. Apparently Sexy was birthed in 1989. Seriously people, step outta fucking Costco once in a while, if only to see what the sun looks like from the Tire Center.
  • I suspect that these graphic stories from the set of E!'s Kill Reality series are riddled with false accusations. I also suspect that Trishelle Canatella and Tonya Cooley leaked them. If you think that sounds outlandish, you probably also believe payola ended in the 60s. C'mon, Trishelle was selling dates on eBay less than a year ago.
  • Inspired by his ex-flame's NorCal post-goth posing, Aaron Carter gets inked. But what's the deal with with this open-armed cocky-assed mugging he does every time he eyes a camera? Seriously, his next tat should read, "Come on! You know you wanna stare at the rodent-looking guy who posted Lindsay Lohan and sparked the most talked-about teen rivalty of 2003! You know you do!"
  • $200,000.00 may buy a Savior, but it won't buy readers. Page Six reports that OK! Magazine has only moved a tenth of its print run. UN Spacy has gone to great lengths not to join today's magazine-title-riffing-headline craze. I hope you appreciate it.
  • The New York Daily News reports that Miami police are considering the possibility that Suge Knight may have accidentally shot himself with his own gun. Now that's gangsta.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Aguilera Concedes That A Comeback Is Possible For Spears

MTV reports:
Christina Aguilera has lashed out at tabloids for allegedly fabricating a beef between her and Britney Spears.

Several magazines have run stories over the past few weeks quoting Aguilera as telling that Spears "let herself go" and that Aguilera "can't see a comeback in the cards" for Spears.

"It's really sad to see that some tabloid magazines still have to manufacture ill will between Britney and me," Aguilera wrote in a statement posted on her Web site. "We are both grown-ups and have the utmost respect for each other personally and professionally. If certain journalists want to throw their integrity out the window by spreading false information, then so be it. But I'm not falling for their lies and neither should my fans or Britney's."

Aguilera added that she wished nothing but the best for Britney, husband Kevin Federline and their family. "May they be blessed with continued success and future happiness," she wrote., located in the U.K., did not immediately respond to requests for a comment.
Aguilera is no fun, and a negative force in my life. UN Spacy supposes that Aguilera is a close friend of Lindsay Lohan's rep, and that the two spend their days eating stale white bread, watching Straub/Huillet films, listening to Yoko Ono albums, and playing Clue with only two players.

Suge Knight Gunned The Fuck Down At Kanye's Pre-VMA Bash

MTV reports that Death Row Records founder Marion "Suge" Knight is today recovering after taking a gunshot to the right leg shortly after midnight at Miami's Shore Club, where a party was held in Time cover-boy Kanye West's honor.

Last night's shooting is yet another chapter in the long history of violence that continues to plague rap music long after it's eased itself comfortably into the popular mainstream. For many, last night's shooting serves as a reminder of allegations that Knight played a role in the deaths of Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G. That, and the whole hanging Vanilla Ice out a window thing - although even Vanilla laughs about that now.

Miami authorities claim their investigation "has yet to turn up any suspects." Considering that Knight was boastfully megacriminal, immorally wealthy, and reprehensively asshole-ish, UN Spacy guesses that, in fact, the list of suspects may well be longer than Dolza's "dilznick" (as he insists on calling it).

In the interest of a ceasefire, UN Spacy strongly encourages Knight to publicly apologize to 50 Cent for derisive comments he's reported to have made about Mr. Cent's collection of cat's eye marbles. Mr. Cent comes "from an
environment where the price of life is cheap," if you catch his meaning. For His part, God is now extra pissed at Knight, as this may make the hurricane He sent for Knight a messy wasted effort.

In time, an interesting footnote to this story may be an end to the crossover acclaim Kanye West has enjoyed in numerous media sources generally considered culturally conservative. Of course, there's a chance it might elevate it.

Diddy's Sexy-Preserving Bias Raises Concerns

MTV Video Music Awards host Diddy has promised a $50,000.00 prize for both the best-dressed man and woman at the ceremony. Although the best-dressed persons will ultimately be determined by an online vote, the above advertisement (brought to you by UN Spacy tipster Abigail) raises concerns that unfair favor may be shown to cheap t-shirts bearing ridiculous and/or tacky slogans.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Contrails: Unreleased Kanye West Joints

  • Free mp3s of two import-only bonus tracks from Kanye West's new Late Registration album! "We Can Make It Better" features no less than Talib Kweli, Q-Tip, Common, and Rhymefest. Where I come from, we call that pure fire. "Back To Basics" is a collabo with Common. Rumor has it that the verses from this one were intended for an aborted remix of Common's "The Corner" single. At one time Nas had also committed to contribute to the remix, but that unfortunately never panned out.
  • Wondering where Mos Def is in those songs? I dunno for sure, but I'm guessing her was off somewhere exchanging vows and making babies!
  • Leaving hip-hop behind, Lindsay Lohan and Ashlee Simpson reportedly settled their beef at an Irvine, CA Coldplay concert - and without the help of switchblades or a kiddie pool filled with pudding. Says Lohan's rep, "They never really had such issues -- all fodder." Lohan's rep is no fun, and clearly a negative force in my life. I'm totally removing her from my forwarded-jokes email address book.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Contrails: Tara Reid Isn't Lady-Like???

  • Lindsay Lohan's hanging out with Bruce Willis again. UN Spacy hopes and prays this leads to another publicist confirmation disguised as a denial.
  • If you ever thought Diddy's physics-defying fashion brilliance was effortless, think again. In a hard-hitting interview with stylist Mike Bogard, MTV uncovers the system of checks and balances that keep him looking his best.
  • Skanktastic Charlotte Church derides Tara Reid, saying, "Whenever she's out, her tits keep falling out." She goes on, "I would never be like that. It's not very lady-like." Ahem.

Probably That's Just Sparkling Cider

Looks like 1998's Billboard Dad is 2005's Liquor Board Dad....

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 551 - Sept. 5, 2005 (Pitt Wins By 2)

Ferocious Us Weekly terror Jessica sucker-punches Jen in the face, but only after Tyler Durden reads the Fight Club rules....

(1) Brad Pitt.
15 images.
This week Jennifer Aniston learns that under no circumstances is there ever sympathy for Number One. Jen scores the cover shot and a beefy feature article, entirely on the basis of her jilted-wife status. Trojan-horse-style, the very man who helped her make the cover sneaks fourteen of his amazing fifteen shots into Jen's article, which is hardly civil. Take note that this is the first time I've ever seen a dude on top (keep your filthy jokes to yourself, please).

(2) Jessica Simpson. 13 images.
For the second week Our Savior bitterly gnaws on a slice of humble pie. Interestingly, Jess uses li'l sis Ash as a pawn, enabling Jess to advance into articles like "Jessica vs. Ashlee: Who Wore It Best?" Everyone knows Ash can't stand on her own feet - not in a pictorial, not in an interview, and certainly not onstage. Ash couldn't be more boring if she were an expired box of bulgar wheat. I mean, really, what can one say about the girl now that the SNL jokes have gone stale? Understandably, Ash's bustier, more awe-inspiringly noxious older sister is brought in as both support and counterpoint - but mostly as a buffer. Jessica's shrewd bait-and-switch gets the job done, but if Jess is serious about reclaiming the top spot, she should consider leaking juicier details about her crumbling marriage. Or, I dunno, show us her crotch.

(3) Ashlee Simpson. 9 images.
Ah shit.... Hey, her sister is Jessica Simpson!

(4) Jennifer Aniston. 8 images.
What was that Jen? No, I'm not aware of any live munitions in the vicinity. Oh, that? I'm pretty sure that was just the booming call of an "Oh, Snap!" you just heard. Readers are warned not to sell Jen short just yet though - she's already laid the groundwork for a hell of a Plan B.

(tie) Hilary Duff. 8 images.
Duff's cruel scepter of power gets even crueller, with a two-page story on her "sleek new figure." Although she discusses a total upheaval of her eating habits, Duff attributes her "super slim-down" to "growing up" and "stetching out." Others might say Lilo aping. Watch for a gross-out eating disorder issue in the near future, filled with bewildered questions of what (oh, what!?!) could be driving these girls to such unhealthy dieting habits.

Lilo landed four, Paris three. Nicole had a very minor comeback, managing five shots, which I guess is enough to return her to my good graces. Last week's upsets Ben and Jen nestled back into quiet rural land of the threes. Rachel McAdams scored three. Tara Reid, Mischa Barton, Beyonce Knowles, Sienna Miller, and even Angelina Jolie all settled for singles.

Not one of last week's picks showed well, so I guess we've established that I haven't quite got the swing of this third eye thing. But if you're curious, I say Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson, Cameron Diaz, Sienna Miller, Scarlett Johansson, and Diddy will all be big players next week.

Jessica Strikes Back

After suffering shameful defeat at the hands of no less than Jennifer Aniston on the pages of Us Weekly, Jessica Simpson finally enters this week's three-theater heavy-artillery war for tabloid internet supremacy. We've already seen merciless assaults waged by the likes of Sienna Miller, Cameron Diaz, and Eva Longoria (here too). Now that Jessica's entered the fray, there's reason for concern that weapons of mass destruction may be employed - and, in fact, Jessica has already escalated the violence by turning to the notorious V-bomb.

I Don't Like You In That Way brings us not only a shot of Jessica's undergarments, but also the calculated pre-flash preparations. Combined, they make for a chilling study of Jessica's remorseless tactical mind. The steely stare on Jessica's face confronts the photographer and suggests more than a hint of danger - acknowledging her willing submission to his attentions while demanding his attentive complicity in her carefully-plotted revelation. Distracted by the mammary fountain bursting out of the upper portion of the dress, one mightn't notice the index finger of Jessica's left hand slowly, deliberately hooking a satiny hem, preparing for an effortless decimation of her foes and their micronian attempts at titillation. As truly impressed as I am by her cold poise, I caution Jessica not to stir the reflex point presently restrained inside Paris Hilton's dormant pants. Not even Jessica Simpson is a match for darling Paris's commando maneuvers, and I'm concerned that the internet may not have the stamina or bandwidth to host their bikini wax face-off.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Contrails: 50 Cent To Kill Entire Auto Dealership

  • Bidding for an upgrade from eccentric hillbilly to willfully-ignorant madwoman, Britney Spears tells In Touch of plans to "deliver her baby in a special pool filled with 1,000 one-liter bottles of specially blessed Kabbalah water."
  • 50 Cent gets gangsta with Philadelphia car dealer Gary Barbera Enterprises, who included Mr. Cent's name and image in print advertisements without Mr. Cent's, ahem, consent. Mr. Cent seeks over one million dollars in damages. Let's hope Mr. Cent doesn't percieve any disrespect here because, as we know," any disrespect is still a life-or-death situation." The icing on the cake is that Mr. Cent's lawsuit describes Mr. Cent as a star "known for his good looks, ‘gangsta’ image and hard knocks success story."
  • UN Spacy favorite Dominique Leone writes about Björk's Drawing Restraint 9 soundtrack, and ruminates on the very concept of the soundtrack as a form in the process. Goddamn showoff.
  • Strictly For My Nerdz: Criterion's multidisc DVD of Akira Kurosawa's Ran drops November 22nd, and will include Chris Marker's documentary A.K. Notably, the doc contains no footage backing up Jessica Alba's claims that she worked as an assistant cinematographer on Kurosawa's film.

Coogan And Love's "Drug-Fuelled Sex Marathon" Mostly Fallacious

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of Courtney Love activities, but really nothing's touched the events of the the last few days. The London Mirror reported that Love was pregnant with the child of actor Steve Coogan, the result of "a two-week, drug-fueled sex marathon."

"Drug-fueled sex marathon"? The woman has looked positively washed ashore for the last three years at least. She's part Brando, for fuck's sake. Not even Coogan can have that great a sense of humor. I gotta figure that to use any type of controlled substance in her proximity is to risk potentially fatal fellating. Coogan's people were to dismiss the rumors (or rumours, as it were) as "nonsense," but it seems to me that wasn't quite emphatic enough. Today Love denies these rumors, stating for the record that she is not pregnant, but that she and Coogan "are good friends." If his people can't distance him any further from Love than "good friends," Coogan may wanna start shopping for a new publicist.

Aaron Carter: "Dude, Remember When I Used To Date Lindsay Lohan?!?" reports:
Aaron Carter has become the unlikely defender of Lindsay Lohan, insisting his ex-girlfriend's recent family woes have sparked her dramatic weightloss - not drugs or partying [...]

He says, "She's going through a rough time right now, family drama. I've been through the same stuff. It can cause health problems and it can cause mental problems. She's just got to stay strong and she'll get through it..."

"It doesn't mean she has an addiction to drugs, it doesn't mean she is a partygoer."
You're right, Carter, it doesn't mean she's a partygoer. This does:

And this does:

Oh, and this:

Kudos to Carter for again reminding us that he dated a major teen star. Really, it's a shame it didn't work out with Hilary Duff. I can almost see the two together, huddling together for warmth under a cardboard sign reading, "usEd to dAte LyNndsee LoHaNN. out oF woRk. ANything HeLps."

The Albagations Continue: Cash Warren Actually A Sixty-Seven-Year-Old Manservant

Female First reports:


FANTASTIC FOUR star JESSICA ALBA counts SIR MICHAEL CAINE, MORGAN FREEMAN and SIR SEAN CONNERY among her list of Hollywood crushes....

"I have this thing for older men. They've been around and know so much."

Alba also loves the chivalry shown by older men, adding, "Carry my bag. Open a door for me. Pull out my chair."
Well geez, that finally explains what she's been doing with this geriatric-lookin' motherfucker:

Next Alba recounted how the role of Death in Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey was originally offered to her, but scheduling conflicts made the arrangement unworkable.

Rolling Stone Cuddle-Up: Diddy To Preserve The Sexy, Then Retire

I know I said I'd be covering stories from my free issue of Rolling Stone all weekend long, but I was far too busy looking at Donald Judd sculptures and listening to Steve Reich albums to bother with your crass desires for Gwen Stefani quotes. I'll try to catch up quickly.

In RS's coverage of MTV's Video Music Awards, host Diddy (regrettably listed as "Puffy") reveals the tone and style he'll bring to the VMAs.
"I'm not gonna make it hokey or corny.... I'm-a preserve the sexy. We knew it wouldn't be my strength to read off a teleprompter.... Instead of focusing on telling jokes, I think it's very important for me to give an experience."
Similar to skydiving or bungie jumping, only with Moonmen and commercials, this'll doubtless be one of the best things that's ever happened in our lives, and we will all cherish the memory for all time. At the end of the interview Diddy changes it up a little - just like in his music videos - to disclose that his next album will be his last.
"It's not as dramatic as Jay-Z, but there's other things I've gotta focus on as an executive, as a producer and as an actor."
I'm getting pretty psyched for the retired MC battles of the next ten years. The field is widening, diversifying, and maturing, but there's only room at the top for one King of Defunct Hip-Hop. There's little doubt in my mind that we're in store for some seriously brutal inactive rivalries in the future, and more than a few fierce beef non-raps.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Contrails: Monday Morning Catch-Up

There's so much great shit out there that I simply don't have time to do them justice individually. Some of these items are admittedly not so new, but I've been entirely too busy listening to Smiths records and reading Francoise Sagan novels to play these bloggy games with you.
  • Female First claims that Paris Hilton has split from Paris Latsis. Please note that if the only site carrying this story is Female First, it's probably not true. The cited reason for the split is downright carnivalesque: apparently Latsis' parents weren't aware of their engagement. This part of the story may actually have merit, as Latsis' father has on several occasions publicly decreed his lack of knowledge on the matter - which is sort of like UN Spacy posting headlines like "Thoroughly Unaware Of An Armond White" or "Sorry, Never Seen An Issue Of Us Weekly."
  • It's well short of Angelina's Passion, but next month MTV will air The Diary of Angelina Jolie & Dr. Jeffrey Sachs in Africa, a special following Jolie and Sachs' trip to an impoverished Kenyan village. Intended to inspire and educate, it's presently uncertain whether interspersed My Chemical Romance songs will permit the U.N.'s Sachs time to speak in complete sentences.
  • If you wish to look at uncomfortably candid evidence of the continuing disintegration of Sienna Miller and Jude Law's relationship, look here. As a bonus, the doorman in these pictures finally proves that London is every bit the "Ev'nin Gov'nuh" cartoon Americans desperately believe it to be.
  • For those not sated by the above carnage, examine the pendulum-swing of K-Fed's wild-and-fancy-free organ. Possibly this is NSFW; definitely it'll make you scream like a hyena.
  • When Hilary Duff apartment-hunted in Chelsea, "The super (superintendent) didn't recognise her and wouldn't let her group into the building." Like I've always said, no one cares about this girl. And yet....

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Duff Got All She Wanted For Christmas

Micronian Queen Hilary Duff finally puts speculation (not to mention incontrovertible evidence) to rest, admitting to Jane that not all of her teeth are real. Popdirt reports:
Hilary Duff spoke with Jane magazine about her smile that looks "different". The teen queen admitted, "Yeah, on my two front teeth. I was really sick as a kid and constantly on antibiotics, so my teeth aren't the strongest, and I kept chipping them on the microphone. One show, I literally spit half of my two front teeth out. I was in some small town in the Northeast, at, like, the only dentist. It was 6 o'clock in the morning, and I had a whole day of work planned. So they bonded my teeth. Then there was a crowd waiting for me outside. I was so embarrassed." Asked if someone had tipped people off that she was there, the singer who wraps her hands around the mic head and shoves it up to her face to camouflage cameras from catching her lip-synch responded, "I felt like that, but it's not the kids' fault. Anyway, when I got to L.A., I got veneers. But it's like, why is it people's business?"
Granted, no one cares, but Duff's testimony is told just as UN Spacy likes it - as incredible as it is incredible. Undeterred, Duff continues to wield her cruel scepter of power over America's youth. One impressionable fan's sympathetic response to this story? "that's a shame hilary had trouble with that when she was younger and all. that probably didn't feel too good." Maybe so, but each time I'm confronted with those veneers, I worry they'll part to reveal a smaller, sinister Hil head, dripping thick sheets of acid as it slowly presses outward. Also, I'm reconsidering my assessment of the edgy film role Duff's been eying. More likely she was referring to a Jennifer Love Hewitt biopic.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Rolling Stone Cuddle-Up: 50 Cent Threatens UN Spacy

In a segment promoting Minya Oh's new book, Bling Bling, Rolling Stone prints several brief interviews in which hip-hop luminaries weigh in on the power of the iced-out. Only three of the interviews are worth reading, and only two are funny (the other's Chuck D).

Lil Jon on the diamonds welded to his teeth:
"I always gotta be ready to upgrade my grille. Maybe next season, I'll want bigger diamonds. Huge diamonds. Retarded diamonds.... Having bling in your grille makes sex a little different. For example, I can bite a woman with my fangs. And them motherfuckers are kinda sharp! That little nibble, it'll get ya, girl!"
Lil Jon on his rhinestone-encrusted Kings of Crunk chalises:
"You know what I worry about? The damage one of them pimp cups can do to me! I remember we were filming a David Banner video in a club, and sure enough, shit was getting kinda crazy. But while I was wildin' out, I didn't even notice that I had hit myself with my pimp cup and had a deep cut! The lesson is, you can't get too crunk with a pimp cup in your hand."
Although I question RS's decision to not print Lil Jon's testimony in all-caps, any day I read Lil Jon telling a story that involves a rhinestone-encrusted chalice and ends in a lesson, I'm calling that a good day.

But, as always, someone's gotta go gettin' all heavy. And, as always, that person is 50 Cent. First Mr. Cent accuses Nelly of "rockin' cubic zirconia." Then he explains that, while touring, Mr. Cent wears moissanite replicas of his real jewelry, which he locks in a safe. "This way I don't damage my real jewelry." When asked about a recent theft of a G Unit spinning pendant, Mr. Cent throws the gauntlet:
"It's not really about the jewelry. It's about someone taking something from me so he can say, 'I robbed 50 Cent.' But then I've got to kill him for it. Dead serious."
Forreals, Mr. Cent. Forreals. Mr. Cent goes on, and frankly, I gotta say I think there's a veiled threat directed at UN Spacy in there. You decide:
"Any disrespect is still a life-or-death situation.... I'm from an environment where the price of life is cheap. So don't act like I ain't got what it takes to make it happen. I have people ready to do it. Whether it's a chain or beef with another artist [or some bitch-ass bloggin' mothafucka who's all 'Mr. Cent this...' and 'Mr. Cent that...' and clownin' on my muthafuckin' marbles!], it's no sweat off my back - I'm ready."
Damn, Mr. Cent. Dude was just asking about your ice!

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 550 - Aug. 29, 2005 (Aniston By 2)

This is one for the books, people. Seriously, take a long breath, because I'm taking you deep this week. Please, do not attempt to wade through this week's issue alone. Without my stern, fatherly hand, readers may experience the kind of hurt confusion that usually stems from tuning in to Bring It On Again fifteen minutes late.

(1) Jennifer Aniston. 10 images.
UN Spacy's heart has been with Aniston through two straight weeks of grotesque Us humiliation, often at the hands of her ex-husband and his lippy lover. So it's with relief and a sense of righteous entitlement that UN Spacy calls this one for Jen amid controversy and glaring technicalities. You see, Us loves to show pictures of stars gazing at or preening near copies of Us. You'll recall that last week's cover featured Brad and Jen, and no less than three of Jen's ten are the result of Nicole Richie's and Ryan Seacrest's proximity to copies of that issue. This counts, people, and it crowns a new queen. UN Spacy's more "pomo" readers will take additional pleasure in knowing that Jen's win this week was way meta.

(2) Jennifer Garner. 8 images.
(tie) Ben Affleck. 8 images.
These expecting cover darlings win solely on the basis of their feature article, which covers all the usual Baby Machine Weekly topics. Even if they're the most yawn-inducing celebrity couple of all time, they did the impossible by both beating Photo Death Match titan Jessica Simpson, who, I should mention, is going to save the goddamn world plus maintain a sexy bikini bod! Expect the arrival of the couple's new (coughdemonseedcough) baby girl to keep them on or near the top late in the year.

(4) Cojo. 7 images.
After his body rejected a recent kidney transplant, Steven Cojocaru is again in need of a new kidney, which earns him a feature story. Seriously, I won't tolerate any questioning of Cojo's impressive performance. He may look like Dave Grohl's muppet doppelganger, but really, where would Us (or us) be without Cojo?

(5) Matt LeBlanc. 6 images.
(tie) Jessica Alba. 6 images.
Yammer on about lapdances long enough, and you might just find a backdoor entrance to the winners circle. Well played, Matt. Well played. Alba was basically a given on this list, to my mind, if only because of those bikini-readjusting shots that just won't stop rearing their blurry heads. That and she's a trained sonar expert.

(tie) Rachel McAdams. 6 images.
Ms. McAdams presents a special case - two of her six are technicalites. One shot features McAdams standing in front of a mirror; given that we see both McAdams and her reflection, I chalked it as a double. I'm willing to entertain debate on that one. One I won't accept debate on is an ad for her new Red Eye, which shows only a dainty, feminine hand arched in desperate terror below McAdam's starring credit. I realize that there's about a 0.7% chance that it's actually McAdams hand, but in this smoke-and-mirrors biz, I can't see that it makes a difference. Beyonce's own ass was airbrush-reduced for her Maxim cover, and Tara Reid's rack isn't real either, so I'm calling this one official. Love it or hate it, but deal with it. McAdams, UN Spacy welcomes you to the games.

(tie) Jessica Simpson. 6 images.
Last, but obviously not least, Our Savior's Us approval ratings have plummeted, settling for a troubling half of last week's coverage. Seemingly invincible, the last time Jess couldn't muster a win, it was only because Jude Law balled his unattractive nanny on a goddamn pool table! Clearly Simpson doesn't work in a vacuum - a week ago no one could've predicted she'd fall to the hands of Cojo or LeBlanc. All the same, Simpson could've done a great, great deal more to keep her numbers steeled. Though I don't have a polling staff at my disposal, my suspicion is that Us readers are disatisfied with Simpson's follow-through and resolve on her promised saving of the world. It's been seven days, and I dunno if you've looked out a window lately, Jess, but the world looks pretty much un-saved right now. That might be acceptable, but only if the public feels strongly that a firm world-saving plan is in place. I don't want to sound reactionary, but I think I speak for many Us readers when I say that you've lead us into something of a quagmire. That, or you have a $200,000.00 (or more) exclusive contract with OK!

Other notables include Brad Pitt, who racks up five through the same technicality that rocketed Aniston to number one. Meanwhile Angelina Jolie drops to three shots, with Maddox (1) and Zahara (2) lagging further. Paris, LiLo, and Nicole snag five apiece, which is only respectable if compared to their recent failures. Britney Spears can't elevate herself beyond one shot - and she's pregnant! Sienna Miller, one of August's three number ones, appears only once. Eva Longoria (who I expect to perform well next week) shows up twice. Hilary Duff again surprises me, scoring four - but two of those are from an ad, and one is with Rob Schneider, which surely warrants a point deduction of some kind.

Next week I see Tara Reid, Eva Longoria, Diddy, Eminem, and Mandy Moore bringing the heat, but after the mayhem of the last two weeks, I won't make any guesses on who scores the top spot.

Rolling Stone Cuddle-Up: If He Wanted To, R. Kelly Could Probably Get A Library Card In Marvin Gaye's Name

I'll not beat around the bush: R. Kelly says he now has FIFTEEN chapters of the "Trapped In The Closet" saga in the can. Course he also says he's recorded unreleased albums of Indian and African music, so let's just say I'll believe it when I hear it. (And let's also say that when I do hear it, I really won't believe it.) Kelly also tells Rolling Stone about a "museum room" in his house.
"I keep all my awards down there, and childhood photos, and even all the clothes I've worn on tour, in videos and on album covers."
And there's one memento in the collection that's a little less narcissistic.
"I have Marvin Gaye's driver's license. His wife sent it to me, because she really loved my Happy People record.... The license is from California. I get inspired every time I look at it."
Laugh if you want, but UN Spacy takes daily comfort from admiring its replica impression of a handstamp Mark Lisanti once used to gain entrance to the Tropicana.

Finally, Kelly sets the record straight on celly pimpin'.
"If you're depending on a ring tone or vibration to prove you're a playa, then believe me, brotha, you are not a playa - you hustlin' backward."
I'll sign off here, as I need a few minutes to recollect my dignity, not to mention slow my roll. My whole playaspective has just been turned on its head, and it may be some time before this little pimp is ready to confidently resume hustlin'.

UN Spacy Receives Free Issue Of Rolling Stone!

To my surprise, yesterday's mail brought the latest issue of Rolling Stone. If I choose, I may return a card that will grant me four more issues at no cost, as enticement to subscribe - no strings attached! I'm not going to send in this card, because the whole thing seems a little too much like the premise of a particularly poor J-horror film, but I do have this one freebie to enjoy. And being a bat-crazy communist type, I feel an obligation to share it with you. Today and through the weekend I'll post on several items contained in this issue that put a giddy smile on my face. It'll be just like old times, only without all those pesky articles about music. So come on over, cuddle up, and let's page through this thing. And seriously, folks, let's not have any tickling or grab-assing - for God's sake I'm trying to blog here!

Jessica Alba Pulls More Lines Out Of Her Ass

UN Spacy has felt truly left out about being the only webpage or flat surface on the planet to not publish one of these shots, so this post comes as something of a relief. Anyways, several days ago UN Spacy brought you the goods on Jessica Alba's claim that she's snapped off some script ideas for sequels to the aggressively foul Fantastic Four movie. Today Page Six reports that Alba isn't sure she's even interested in appearing in a sequel.
A sequel to this year's "Fantastic Four" is in the works, and the original stars are set to reprise their superhero roles — except for Jessica Alba.... [T]he sexy starlet is uncertain the follow-up would be a judicious career move.
Since a sequel to a terrible movie is usually another terrible movie, Alba's probably quite correct that this is an unwise career move - especially for someone who popularized the pasteurization of milk and can communicate with larger species of seagull. By all rights, a girl of her talent and credibility should be working with a P.T. Anderson, an Assayas, or a Haneke - which brings Page Six to its next point:
[W]e hear Alba has agreed to star alongside Jimmy Fallon in the movie remake of the classic sitcom, "I Dream of Jeannie."
Certainly, this role will deliver Alba and her famous derriere t
he critical accolades she's long deserved. With any luck, it might also give her an opportunity to use her long-neglected nightvision.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Rejoice! Micronian Queen Duff To Selflessly "Give People What They Want"

With her new greatest hits album enabling Duff to pay the power bill and reconnect the phone (and yes, "enabling" really is the word), the Micronian Queen tells MTV her acting career is ready stop being polite, and start getting real:
Don't expect Hilary Duff to play light teen roles forever — as her 18th birthday approaches, the singer hopes to dig in to meatier roles that would let her stretch her acting muscles. She says she's been holding onto a script for the past year that she'd love to see made into a movie, "but who knows if it's ever going to happen." The character she would play is "so cool and weird and messed up. It's not like she's a druggie, she's just different, she's just in her head, she's crazy," Duff said. "I think it would be good for girls to see that."
Forgive me if I sound glib, but I think there's legitimate reason to suspect that MTV may have picked this story up from the WENN/IMDb news page, and thatthe edgy role Duff refers to is in fact the title character of 2003's The Lizzie McGuire Movie. I'm all but positive that "She's different, she's in her head, she's crazy!" was its tagline.
She thinks the project will have to wait at least another year because it's not what people expect of her, and she thinks she needs to "ease into" roles like that. "This is a business, and you have to give people what they want to see," she said.
I'm assuming that, by "giving people what they want to see," Duff means a Pay-Per-View special in which she ferociously attacks Lindsay Lohan with a Conair Crimper, is effortlessly bested by her hangover-dulled opponent's razor-sharp elbows, and immediately fades into harsh obscurity. I don't wanna raise expectations too high, but I'd spend a good month high-fiving total strangers if she screamed "Aaron Carter was the best lover I ever had!" at some point during the melee. In the past I've made a point of saying that no one cares about Duff, but I gotta say, this is pretty excited news. Give a shout if you hear when this is supposed to air.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Contrails: 50 Cent Bitch-Slaps UN Spacy

  • Diddy, newly P.-less, tells Access Hollywood he's "turned up the intensity," in near-monastic training for his hosting of MTV's Video Music Awards. "I'm running 5 miles a day to lose 7 more pounds," Diddy says. Not only that, "I'm abstaining from sex right now." It's really a shame he didn't also give up urination, what with the name change and all.
  • Page Six reportsthat hundreds of dancers featured in 50 Cent and Mobb Deep's "Outta Control" video (shot in June) still haven't received their $100 compensation checks. But the real news is Mr. Cent's brutal diss of UN Spacy in Time. It seems Mr. Cent didn't care for UN Spacy's comments on his autobiography. When asked, "Does anyone ever call you Mr. Cent?" Mr. Cent coldly responded, "Just this guy named Dan." My name ain't Dan, Mr. Cent, and you best believe I'll remember this.
  • Speaking of Time, they call Bret Easton Ellis "America's most notorious author," which is kinda like calling Hilary Duff "Us Weekly Photo Death Match's most deadly combatant."
  • Tilda Swinton is set to play Nico in an upcoming David Mackenzie-directed biopic. While this is an inspired casting choice, I saw Mackenzie's last movie, Asylum, so I'm afraid this isn't nearly as interesting to me as Factory Girl. I was pleased, however, to notice that someone on IMDb asked if this was going to be a remake of a Steven Seagal movie.

Strictly For My Nerdz: Anthony Braxton and Wolf Eyes Collaborate At Victoriaville

If that headline means anything to you, you are no doubt confused. Although I may have recently mislead some into believing, if only for a moment, that a Lizzie McGuire-ized Neurosis joint was on the way, today I am straight-up forrealsing you. Actually, this news is already months old, but UN Spacy has been too plagued by questions of whether or not Jessica Simpson employs ass-padding to keep up with the arts. (Also, it'll be a few more days before WENN/IMDb hears about it.)

Incorporating elements of hardcore, industrial, ambient, and noise, the Wolf Eyes sound is generally described with words like "visceral," "torture," "violent," "hateful," "messy," "scary," and "evil." The band favors tampered or reconstructed noise-makers over conventional instruments. Sub Pop, who released the Ann Arbor trio's Burned Mind, characterizes their sound as "drastic fucking music." Anthony Braxton has been making records since the late-60s, ranging from entire albums of solo saxophone to ambitious pieces played simultaneously by four orchestras. He's known for a somewhat controversial composition style that involves graphed notations to indicate improvisational objectives. His music is often dismissed as dry and academic. All Music Guide says Braxton "might very well be jazz's last bona fide genius."

It all went down at the 22nd Victoriaville Musique Actuelle Festival, where Wolf Eyes surprised audiences by bringing Anthony Braxton onstage for a large portion of their set. Reportedly, Braxton became an instant fan of Wolf Eyes after a 2004 concert in Sweden. Though Braxton and Wolf Eyes share a fierce independent spirit and cult followings, the pairing of the stately improv theorist with the mace-and-chain-wielding authors of "Stabbed in the Face" is nonetheless jarring.

Reviews of the collaboration have been mostly positive, though not especially enthusiastic. For many, the set's highlight was the finale. Wolf Eyes' John Olson announced that there was time for one more song, and asked the audience if they'd rather hear "Leper War" or "Black Vomit." Not getting a conclusive answer, Olson turned to Braxton. "'Black Vomit!' Of course!" was the sixty-year-old saxophonist's enthusiastic response. (Myself, I would've closed with "Desert of Glue" or "Urine Burn.")

All this has little in common with the standard UN Spacy agenda, but I just can't not post on this.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

In The Land Of The Blonde, The One-Time Readhead Is Yoda

In a potent double-team of real-life and imaginary instigators of eating disorders, Lindsay Lohan will appear as a character alongside Barbie in My Scene Goes Hollywood, a new straight-to-video animated Barbie adventure hitting stores August 30th. Young girls interested in further decimating future happiness can also buy a Mattel Lindsay Lohan doll, as well as sold-separately Dressing Room and Party Limo playsets. MTV offers a summarized synopsis for the film:
Barbie and her buddies stumble onto the set of a "D.E.B.S."-like action comedy about a school that secretly trains teen government spies. After they befriend the still-redheaded teen sensation on the set, Lohan informs them she's just a normal girl, a statement she reaffirms by challenging them on an air-hockey table (she loses) and a "Dance Dance Revolution"-type machine (she wins).
Lohan further impresses them with such "normal girl" antics as storming out of movie premiers, gaining entrance to age-restricted nightclubs as a minor, and transforming into a fully-staffed United Airlines 727 through her powers of puberty. Lohan (who, according to MTV, is portrayed "
as a Yoda-type figure") also has an urgent message for America's now-doomed youth - a message on the dangers of being stalked by tabloid photographers.
[T]hat's so cool," one of the "My Scene" characters responds to a story about the paparazzi following a star.
"Yeah, for like, a minute," Lohan replies. "Try going out for coffee in old baggy sweats when you've barely slept and your hair's a mess and see how cool it is then."
When Barbie and her friends learn that, in fact, it's incredibly cool, Lohan takes them out for spray tans and Red Bulls, then tutors them in the delicate art of the single-nipple-slip.

Contrails: Hilary Duff To "Wail" On Upcoming Neurosis Album

  • Sean Combs, formerly P. Diddy, announces a new nickname: Diddy. This change is not simply a bid for headline realestate, it's both a time saver and a social lubricant. "[P]eople were uncomfortable when I'd meet them for the first time, and then they'd ask me what they should call me." Sculpted down to a mere two syllables, the leaner babytalk moniker should eliminate these problems, though I'm still surprised he didn't go with my suggestion.
  • Who knew Hilary Duff was such a badass?!? All this time I had Hil pegged for an Ashlee Simpson to Kelly Clarkson kind of girl. Looks like she's more an Ashlee Simpson to Evanescence girl! (via A Socialite's Life)
  • Speaking of Ashlee, her new boyfriend-gaffling anthem is so totally not about Lindsay Lohan (though it can't possibly hurt that everyone thinks it is). Ash is also in talks to appear on another episode of SNL. Says Ash, "I've obviously fallen on my face before in front of a bunch of people, but I've learned it's a beautiful thing." As UN Spacy recalls, it really was a beatiful thing. Also, Ash is gearing up for a tour. "Me and my band have been rehearsing," she says. UN Spacy won't even try to top that punchline.
  • Jessica Alba already has some plot ideas for sequels to the aggressively foul Fantastic Four. UN Spacy genuinely looks forward to seeing Alba's FF4.2 treatment. Readers may not know this, but Alba leads an annual screenwriting seminar at Sundance, and also invented the ThighMaster.
  • Finally, one year ago today Nicky Hilton married Todd Andrew Meister. We propose that readers take a moment to reflect on what might've been. (Thanks again to A Socialite's Life.)

Monday, August 15, 2005

Contrails: Paris Doesn't Believe in Fairies.

  • My Lady Paris, fresh from a guest appearance on "Wild on Tara" aka "Taradise", has finally done the right thing. Ditched that starfucking, coattail-riding dog of hers, Tinkerbell, for a much smaller chihuahua. The new one is named Bambi. Apparently there was only room in the purse for Tink if Paris left her Sidekick at home. Fuck that!
  • WENN/IMDb drops the ball again, this time reporting like four days late on the whole Paris/Nicole release date fiasco. I'd gloat about scooping them yet again, but I already sourced them today in that Angelina thing. So I'm a dick.
  • They also say that Josh Hartnett had some sort of phony stunt relationship with Kelly Carlson, the coke-slut pornstar from "Nip/Tuck". Then amazingly, they cap off the blurb with "Hartnett is now dating Scarlett Johansson"! Are we supposed to believe anything that fucker says now?
  • This shit, four days later, is still hilarious.
  • And finally, the Superficial is hiring. Once the job comes through, I'll be ditching you all for greener pastures. I never liked any of you guys. Not a single god-damned one of you. Especially not you.

Jolie to Begin Secret Bombing Any Day Now.

Angelina has evidently been granted Cambodian citizenship. After she spent $5 million on a wildlife preserve near her home there, the King signed the papers and made Jolie a true Cambodian. To UN Spacy, this not only provides a fitting finale to Angelina's Passion, but is the perfect cover for Maddox's future ascention to the throne. All the pieces will be in place for another liquidation of the local populace, only this time they'll just be shipping orphans off to Beverly Hills until even Hilary Duff has one.

Tom Cruise Takes "Old Ball and Chain" Literally.

That bastion of journalistic integrity, Star Magazine, is reporting that Tom and Katie's wedding plans may have hit a snag. According to the article, Cruise makes Katie spend all her time with him and his freaky Alien Ghost Worshipper friends.
Tom seemingly insists that Katie restrict herself to his inner circle, most of whom are Scientologists. "Tom wants Katie to spend most of her free time by his side" says the source. "But I think she'd rather have a break from the media glare" and head back home to Toledo, where she can visit her mother, Kathy, who recently won a battle with cancer.
Star goes on to say that Tom's insistence on frothing at the mouth over his beliefs are alienating Katie's very Catholic family. Apparently all that stuff about how psychiatry was invented by Nazis really bugged Katie's dad Martin:
"Tom apparently got excited while explaining Scientology and questioning Catholicism, even pointing out the failure of psychiatry. Naturally, this would upset the Holmeses."
Naturally. And I might add finally. What kind of solid Catholic family lets their little girl hook up with a guy like this? Sure, he was a meatball with a giant head, but Chris Klein seems like Prince Fucking Charming at this point. Hell, Katie might even be better off with Nick Lachey (who's soon to be available, if you believe the cover of Life & Style).

It's put forth in the article that Katie might become "a real-life runaway bride". We here at UN Spacy can only hope for such a glorious outcome. Imagine Katie being escorted from an airplane in her wedding gown, surrounded by FBI agents after staging her phony kidnapping at the hands of anti-LRon extremists. Towel over her head, mascara streaming down her cheeks, while Tom rides up on his Harley with an E-meter.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Richie Movie Rescheduled, WENN/IMDb News Team Asleep At The Wheel

Page Six reports that the release of Ashley Olsen Nicole Richie’s movie Kids in America has been pushed forward to October 21st. Previously the movie was set for a November 4 release. Perhaps not coincidentally, rival Paris Hilton’s own film, Pledge This!, was recently scheduled for release on the same day. For those who doubt that this change had anything to do with the Paris-Nicole rivalry, check out what Kids in America producer Andrew Schaifer has to say. "My concern now is that Paris is going to continue to play follow the leader.... She will try to horn in on Nicole's p.r. again."

On a related note, the persistently-tardy WENN/IMDb today reports that Paris Hilton’s Pledge This! has just been booked for a November 4 release. If you didn’t read the above paragraph, or missed UN Spacy’s report of ten days ago, this is yesterday’s papers, as they say.

What’s the deal with WENN/IMDb newsroom? UN Spacy’s hardly a satellite-powered operation, and even we’re making asses of them lately. Two days ago they ran a story on Lindsay Lohan’s pot-smoking-confession-slash-cocaine-disavowal. Trusting the news to be current, even Lohancyclopedia Defamer linked to the story. This one’s comically old - IMDb themselves ran the story on March 3rd! With the same picture! Case rested. SNAP.

Contrails: Don't Hate Janice Dickinson Because She's A Patrick Nagel Print

  • If there's a God in Heaven, this isn't fake. Witness Janice Dickinson's California State Driver's License (via The Superficial).
  • Donatella Versace totally schools SNL on Donatella Versace ridicule, discussing the strong conceptual influence of cocaine abuse in her work.
  • Kimberly Stewart apparently didn't get the memo about Simple Life 4's final casting decision, cause it seems like she's launched an aggressive last-ditch look-stupid campaign.
  • Hilary Duff in Us Weekly: "It's easier to play a big show than something more intimate. There's something more comforting about seeing a whole sea of people ... than being able to identify people I know out of a crowd of 200." There just isn't enough blog in the world for me to respond to Duff's dodgeball taunts today.
  • P.S. If you don't know who Patrick Nagel is, you probably haven't spent as much time listening to Duran Duran at Supercuts (... alright, the Deja Vu) as UN Spacy has.

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 549 - Aug. 22, 2005 (Simpson By 1)

Simpson threepeat, as promised. The rest of the list just baffles.

(1) Jessica Simpson. 12 images.
OK!'s $200,000.00 isn't quite enough to pull Our Savior from Us's claws. Last week I made the chilling remark that Jessica could do real harm if used for evil. Today I'm happy to report that she's done quite the opposite. Scroll down to read about how she's going to save the world! Thank you, Jessica. Thank you. Please note that one of Jess's twelve is on a Business Reply Mail card for an Us subscription. Debate that all you want, she wins either way.

(2) Jennifer Aniston. 10 images.
Recall that last week cover-girl Jen got her ass handed to her on a silver tray balanced on Angeline Jolie's prostrate nude back while Brad Pitt did something truly obscene just outside of view. I was really pulling for a Kill Bill style revenge drama this week. You gave it an impressive try, Jen, and I commend you, but you are simply no match for Our Savior. If you have any hopes of kissing the gold next week, try doing something good (like, um, saving the world! - what, do I hafta spell it out for you? Jeez!).

(3) Salma Hayek. 8 images.
While owing a great deal to the fact that she's hot, the real reason for Hayek's impressive showing is as simple as, "Salma Throws a Party!" Celebrating new Latin talent, Hayek was shrewd enough to invite Us, and sometimes that's all it takes to ribbon here.

(tie) Britney Spears. 8 images.
Please allow Britney a moment to snap her fingers in formation in front of Xtina Aguilera's deep orange face. Hell, lemme get in on that. Oh SNAP! Xtina! Told you Baby Machine Weekly'd bring the love!

(5) Jennifer Garner. 6 images.
(tie) Scarlett Johansson. 6 images.
(tie) Hilary Duff. 6 images.
Briefly, Garner's pregnant with Ben Affleck's demonseed, and Johansson is now a big enough star to have earned numerous snickering nicknames relating to her cleavage. What THE HELL happened this week?!? Hil to the Duff? The Micronian Queen? They've gotta be kidding me! No one cares about her! Sure, she's got a greatest hits album coming out next week, but you didn't even know that! I've now reached my daily allottment of exclamation points, which means I have nothing further to say on the matter. (They charge through the nose for overage.)

LiLo appears only once. Paris twice, and not until page 70. Nicole racks up a whopping three shots. So glad I cut my ties last week. Believe me, it hurt me more than it did them, but y'know there's really only so much you can do for these girls.

Because the world is both saved and upside-fucking-down, I submit no predictions for the coming week.

UPDATE: Fine, you want crazy, Us?!? Is that what you want? I'll give you crazy!!! Next week I call the top placers as follows: (1) Debra Messing!!! (2) Hilary Duff!!! (3) Ashlee Simpson!!! And just try and bill me for the extra exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!

Jessica Simpson To Save The World!!!

After collecting $200,000.00 (or more, if we're to believe industry rumors), Jessica Simpson reveals to OK! Magazine plans "to do some mission work, visit Third World countries - I have this whole plan to save the world." According to both Oxfam and the U.N., that is exactly the formula for global harmony and an end to poverty! Seems to me OK! got their money's worth. Sure, it's well short of the full-frontal of a divorce-rumor confidential, and it's certainly no "I'm standing on your couch," but a spiritually uplifting bid for saviordom ain't nothing.

Oh but wait, there's so (so!) much more. Simpson tells OK! that these plans are inspired by Angelina Jolie.
"Angelina is one of my biggest role models. I got to interview her recently. I didn't know her at all, but just sitting in front of her, I felt this incredible peace. She was breathtaking. I couldn't help but stare, but it's her inner beauty that you really feel."
In no way does UN Spacy wish to dismiss Jolie's commitment to whatever it is she does that always appears in the "world news" section of Us Weekly. But really people, what the fuck?!? You'd think she was Mother Teresa cross-polinated with the Maharishi these days. I've long since resigned myself to the plain facts that Jolie will be awarded a Nobel Peace Prize, that Peter, Paul, and Mary (or U2) will write a song about her, and that our children will shed beautiful tears when Oscar Ceremony cameras fall on an all-growed-up Maddox as the producers of Angelina's Passion receive their Best Picture honors.

But back to Jessica (always back to Jessica), after recovering from a spell of "incredible peace" (the Jolie-inspired one, not the $200,000.00 one), Jessica says she's determined to adopt. "I've been visiting orphanages with my parents since I was a little girl." Probably "have visited" is more accurately descriptive than "been visiting," but I'll go along with it, since she's saving the world and all. UN Spacy hopes Jessica keeps Lindsay Lohan's needy Japanese orphans in mind when the time comes.

Finally, our Savior remembers to ick us out with further tales of her sickly-sweet dream marriage. "If I got pregnant, I'd be ecstatic, but we're not trying. We're definitely practising though!" I'm told this is where we're supposed to playfully elbow Nick in the ribs and shoot him some approving eyebrow. You can, but frankly I'm a little eyebrowed out after yesterday's punny shenanigans with Jessica's spokeswoman.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Ren & Britney

Found a blog where some chick has a bunch of celeb caricatures drawn by John K of Ren & Stimpy fame. They're funny, so I'm linking to it. So there.

Contrails: Lohan To Repeatedly Storm Out Of Her Own Video

  • Pharrell Williams tops Esquire's Best Dressed Men list, which finally sets the record straight - Snoop is a fashion accessory. (Told y'all.)
  • Lindsay Lohan has written a heartfelt song about her troubled relationship with her father Michael (currently incarcerated for assault). The song is reported to be "the story of a girl crying to her father, asking him why he did all this." According to her rep, Lohan will also direct an accompanying video which "will chronicle the last year and a half of her life." It's my suspicion that this won't be a music video as such, but "A Very Special Episode" of Wild on Tara.
  • Xtina Aguilera warns Britney Spears not to count on a post-pregnancy comeback. "She's let herself go." It seems Aguilera - clearly in the crotchless-pants position to comment on the letting go of oneself - hasn't picked up a recent issue of Baby Machine Weekly. Quite the contrary, this should rocket Brit back into a good month of the Photo Death Match winner's circle.
  • Michelle Pfeiffer's sister, Dedee, voices hope that her husband may one day hate-leak a sex tape the two made together. "I'll say, 'thank you,'" she says, which explains why Michelle is the quiet one.