Friday, July 22, 2005

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 546 - Aug. 1, 2005 (Miller Wins By 3)

Quite frankly, the latest issue of Us is the only thing that gets me into work on Fridays. This is the first of UN Spacy's Us Weekly Photo Count Death Match Challenges. The winner is the star (and believe me, they're always female) whose image appears most frequently. Covers, advertisements, insets - these all count. If I can see a face (or hell, a closeup of a navel with an identifying caption), it's a qualifying appearance.

(1) Sienna Miller. 12 images.
This week's winner is far from surprising, considering the scandal surrounding her ex-boyfriend and his nanny. If my numbers are to be trusted (...they are), this is Miller's first time in the top five.

(2) Nicole Richie. 9 images.
Quite a coup for the Ironing Board Princess, a dark horse who creeps in to dramatically outperform both rival Paris Hilton and buddy Lindsay Lohan (weighing in with a pitiable 3 apiece). Although Miller's win this week cannot be disputed, Richie's less scandal-fortified performance is a more impressive feat, and positively a sweeter victory. Also more likely to continue in coming issues.

(3) Katie Holmes. 8 images.
The trick with this one is that no page is satisfied with just one image. Although she only shows up on four pages, she makes them count. Good show!

(4) Jessica Simpson. 5 images.
(tie) Britney Spears. 5 images.
The pop singers are little more than also-rans this week. Consider that Hilary Duff, who no one cares about, scored four shots, and she's neither pregnant nor remarkably chesty.

Other poor showings include the Desperate Housewives (who should've been able to cash in on their excessive Emmy nominations), Jessica Alba (who can benchpress an SUV and is impervious to snakebite), and Angelina Jolie (orphans, homewrecking, yadda yadda yadda.)

Bring your raincoats next week! I figure LiLo and Paris will aim to have Richie's bobblehead on a pike in the following issue. And I'll be damned if darling Paris doesn't take the gold by a ruthless landslide in one of the next three issues - this week's calm is merely the eye of the storm.


Blogger George said...

This better be a weekly thing, or I'll be calling your house for the latest figures.

10:27 AM  

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