Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Jessica Alba Says "Oh Snap!" To Holmes, Cruise

The folks at The Superficial recently posted the following quote, in which reigning B-list queen Jessica Alba takes a jab at Katie Holmes and her relationship with Tom Cruise:

"I don't date actors and I don't date people to get ahead in my career. I don't want to comment on Tom's relationship with Katie, but I'm a very private person and I don't feel you should talk about your private life. I think it's best to keep this sort of thing to yourself."

Delightfully catty, to be sure. But for the love of God, what I wouldn’t give for She of the Aggressively Foul Fantastic Four to keep “that sort of thing” to herself. Let’s pause here and take stock of the 24-year-old’s headlines for 2005:

  1. Alba announces that she’s through sleeping around in Hollywood.
  2. Alba reports that she fought off a shark by punching it in the nose.
  3. Alba explains to Us Weekly that Angelina Jolie, being “different looking,” is good for American audiences, allowing them the epiphany that “not all America women look like Kate Bosworth.”
  4. Alba credits her newly-blonde tresses for roping boyfriend Cash Warren, saying, “I know I'm much more approachable as a blonde.”
  5. Alba tells Us Weekly that she relies on TaeBo and weightlifting to maintain her figure, saying, “Everyone in my family is heavily overweight.”
  6. Alba reports that Dark Angel shoots were periodically interrupted while her male costars had x-rays taken to determine if any damage had been caused by a collision with Alba’s fist.
...and that's be selective. I’m all but exhausted by this near-deluge of Alba allegations. (Dare we? We dare. Albagations!) I guess when your minor fame can be traced directly back to the fact that alotta people checked out your ass in Idle Hands, it’s just more fun to make something up anytime anyone thrusts a mic in your face.

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