Thursday, July 21, 2005

I heart train wrecks.

I have just borne witness to the best thing ever. It's this show on ABC called "Hooking Up". Bunch of girls in New York City try to land a husband via online dating. Ohhh, man. Now, I missed the first episode, so it took a little time to get settled, but here's the gist.

First, there's Amy. I first encountered her dumping a guy because "things are too fast". Actually, though, it's cause her sister doesn't like him. Can't blame her, though; suspect is neckless. Repeat, neckless. Still, Amy wonders (aloud. To the camera. In public.) "Maybe I can just have sex with him a few more times?" Oh, well. Next she moves on to Dave, who apparently teaches ESL or something. Anyway, this guy is a total douchebag. Harmless, but a douchebag. He tries to sound like a sweet, caring guy, but that's crap, because sweet, caring guys don't have game plan talk. Like "the plan all night was to kiss her. I think the ball's totally in my court now." Also: "I think cooking with a woman is very sensuous. You create something together, and then you consume your creation together." Jesus. Next we see Amy all excited because she somehow thwarted what she saw as Dave's plan to get her into bed on the third date. Apparently because she didn't fall for his bullshit tonight, but will next time, this means the relationship is on a steady course.

Ok, next up is Kelly. Teaches 2nd grade. Looks like she is made out of beef jerky. Skin like a saddle, no shit. She's all up on some dude named Steve, who is really rich and (it turns out) lies about being 40. When he admits lying to Kelly, she doesn't care. Next he makes some inspid fratboy bet with her involving a timed wine cork extraction, which she wins. Apparently this victory means that she has to wash Steve's Hummer. In a bikini. Which she does. WHILE HIS FRIEND WATCHES. AND STEVE VIDEOTAPES IT. He's supposed to wash her car too, but instead hires a powerwash service to do it for him. Later Kelly and Steve go to Coney Island, where they ride the "Tower of Fear" (probably what Steve calls his cock) and he makes her get a temporary tattoo of his name above her ass. This is one classy broad. Did I mention that she is totally falling for this joker?

Third, and most assuredly my favorite, is Maryam. She's half-Iranian, half-Iraqi. Photographer. Actually kind of cute. Interesting. Wouldn't you know it, she's a total fucking basket case. First she goes out with a guy whose picture, well, let's say it was an old photo. Immediately she starts in on him. OK, that's a little mean, but not out of the realm. Then she starts drinking a little. At least I think she was drinking. She acted drunk. Starts going on about how her first boyfriend's parents ran the funeral home that buried her own folks. The guy gets kind of concerned and asks for some clarification. "Oh, they were sick." End of discussion. What kind of person just randomly drops this sort of information? She's clearly attention-seeking at this point. Ultimately it turns out the guy didn't much like her to begin with. He tackes a cab home while she walks home alone in the rain. Next she meets Sam, who she claims looks like Colin Farrell (he doesn't). She spends their entire date talking about how gay he acts. No, really. "You have a gay voice." "Do you like girls?" "Do people think you're gay?" AWESOME. He then tells us later that he doesn't mind, because it makes people let their guard down. Sam is pretending to be gay to get laid. It almost works, except that Maryam is no slouch when it comes to crazy. She takes Sam back to her place, still yammering about the gay thing, only now she's peppering it with "We're not gonna have sex." They sleep in her bed together after she passes out. Her last words of the evening? "I feel like I'm in high school."

Next week promises to be even better. The promo featured Amy yelling at Dave about all the other girls he's sleeping with, as well as somebody making a date sleep on the couch and Kelly the Tramp comparing Steve to Prince Charming. To his face.

You're all encouraged to visit ABC's website for the show. Tons of background data and other related bullshit.

Seriously folks. Watch this show. The weeping is cathartic.

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