Sunday, March 05, 2006

U.N. Spacy Live-Blogs The Oscars

8:24 "Crash" wins Best Picture. Fuck you all.

8:23 People are just outright laughing at Jack Nicholson. Did he say "Capo-tang?" If he hasn't already, he'll be hooking up with Scarlett Johansson later.

8:21 Ang Lee makes the final allowable "Brokeback" joke. An era closes, not with a bang, but with crickets.

8:15 Both "Crash" and "Brokeback" have won a screenplay award. Usually they give one of these to the movie that doesn't get nominated for Best Picture but everyone really liked anyhow. Yet again I express my concern that "Crash" will upset the evening. Stop Paul Haggis before he kills again.

8:11 Larry McMurtry rocks the following: Cowboy boots, bow-tie, blue jeans. It's as close as we'll ever get to Sean Connery just not wearing pants at all.

8:09 Dustin Hoffman drunkenly teeters to the podium. Here's lesson 1 of "Why there shouldn't be keg beer backstage". Lesson 2? Yes, it is in fact "Meet the Fockers".

8:03 Ryan Phillipe narrowly avoids a blurb in US Weekly, when his wife namechecks him at the last possible second.

8:01 Reese wins, screencaps to be seen almost immediately on cuteoverload.com.

8:00 If anybody knows just how fucking hard it is out here for a pimp, it's Dame Judi Dench.

7:57 Every time "Brokeback Mountain" doesn't win an award, "Crash" gets perilously closer to ruining my evening. Of course, here comes Jaime Foxx, name checking 3 6 Mafia.

7:48 Phillip Seymour Hoffman wins. Nobody cares. If he's down, he'll start barking any second now. Matt Dillon looks kind of shocked.

7:44 Some Guy who worked on "Crash" is actually the first guy to make a "Don't start the music yet" joke.

7:41 "Tsotsi" wins Best Foreign Language Film. I'm really doing well in the Oscar Pool.

7:30 MVP George Clooney returns. Robert Altman is curiously excluded from the "In Memoriam" montage. Where the shizzy is Don Knotts? And, um, Robert Altman?

7:28 Jennifer Garner almost makes my year. Unfortunately, she stays upright. Do you think "I do my own stunts" refers to having Ben Affleck's baby?

7:25 A song with the word "Pimp" in the title WINS AN OSCAR. Cue the 5-second delay.

7:20 Finally, after hundreds of years, one can accurately say that Truer Words were Never Spoken. The AMPAS, that bastion of class and style, takes a little time out to remind you that Pimpin', in fact, ain't easy. Say word.

7:17 Forging a career out of the worst kind of "Twilight Zone" ripoff nonsense: Priceless.

7:14 That thing on Charlize's shoulder is, I'm rapidly becoming convinced, a "How to Get Ahead in Advertising" style evil twin, ready to spring forth and devour a stunned and helpless Lily Tomlin.

7:11 As Altman shambles, pale and zombie-like, to the podium, nobody recognizes the irony inherent in playing the theme from "M*A*S*H", entitled, "Suicide is Painless".

7:08 Altman clip montage brings the evening's first LiLo cameo. I once had a dirty weekend in Lindsay Lohan. I've been waiting to mention that all evening.

7:05 Robert Altman is spinning in his grave.

7:04 One of the sound mixing winners recalls his parents shock and dismay when he annonced his intention to go into sound mixing. He's shouldered from the mic before he gets to the part about convincing his parents by telling them of the very real prospect of one day meeting the star of Idle Hands.

7:01 Jessica Alba presents sound mixing award. Her selection has less to do with her numerous and acclaimed electro-ambient recordings than for the fact that she looks like Jem's head chewing-gummed onto Skipper's body. That or her R-less pronunciation of "memoir."

6:58 Jake introduces a shameless attempt to guilt me into not watching movies on my computer, or, for that matter, my TV. He forgets that DVD revenue pays his rate. Also, this montage includes shots from the weeniefied "Walkie Talkie" version of "E.T."

6:53 Gustavo Santaolalla's acceptance speech for Best Score tempts the Academy to hand out the Best Foreign Film award during a commercial break.

6:52 Did Hoffman just drop his popcorn?

6:50 Hayek actually nails the pronunciation of "Williams."

6:44 President of the Academy: "Let the good times roll, New Orleans." Before snickers begin, he hastily introduces Salma Hayek.

6:43 Judi Dench is still steaming about that bar fight crack. Morgan Freeman chews gum. Also, Mickey Rooney is actually still alive.

6:42 Sid Ganis narrowly edges out Bacall for "Most Awkward".

6:38 Seriously, the "Issue Movies" montage has the Aaron Copeland music they use on the "Beef: It's What's for Dinner" ads. Do you think Vegans all over this land are freaking out right now? Where's their issue movie?!

6:37 "SNAKES ON A PLANE, MUTHAFUCKAHHS!!!"

6:32 ABC's new "Miracle Workers" looks suspiciously like "Gummo the Series".

6:30 Careerbuilder.com reminds us that Monkeys = Comedy.

6:28 We haven't seen this much Interperetive Dance since our Sarah Lawrence genetics seminar.

6:27 "In the Deep" brought to you by Survival Research Laboratories.

6:25 J.Lo's conflict diamonds and deep fake-n-bake speak volumes more about racism than Paul Haggis ever could.

6:24 Who the crap are these dudes? Why do they get to win an Oscar for making a nice kids movie about penguins who just want to fuck?

6:22 Not to beat a dead horse, but seriously what is the story with Charlize's outfit? Is this part of the hagging campaign? Or did Reese pull a favor in exchange for Golden Globes Chanelgate?

6:21 For those of you lacking the temerity to read Defamer's live-blog (seriously, what are you doing here?), the Academy mispelled Will Ferrell's name on a marquee.

6:20 What's the deal with the bling on Terrence Howard's lapel? Forreal.

6:13 Warner clearly foots the bill on Lauren Bacall's walk to the podium. You must admit, they've done a good job of convincing the world they own the rights to every great film in history. As I type, Bacall's speech becomes increasingly awkward, and the room is veiled in a haunted hush.

6:11 Tab Energy makes us laugh. Then blush.

6:07 Michelle Williams learns that dressing as Gwyneth Paltrow will not land one a Best Supporting Actress statue.

6:04 Morgan Freeman narrates the award for Best Supporting Actress.

6:02 Stewart makes a really inside joke about the Tom Ford Vanity Fair cover. No one laughs. It's a lot like this live-blogging. Also, these nerds are totally, like, nerds. Earnesty, folks, will buy you exactly dick. And McAdams still won't get naked in VF.

6:00 I think, though without the results in front of me I can't be certain, that I've only missed one so far in the workplace Oscar Pool. Jen is going down in bright white-hot flames.

5:56 We take a commercial break to bounce over to Defamer's live-blogging of the Oscars. We are embarassed and cry in our guacamole. We do, however, consider taking on Lisanti in a blog-war over his dubious assertion that Keener's aforementioned texting was tapped on a Blackberry. We say nay.

5:52 Just how fucking brave is it to make a motion picture of a best-selling Oprah Book Club book? Or was she talking about the overwhelmingly non-Japanese casting stunt?

5:49 We're reminded that you hafta be a mom in the movie business to appreciate your children. Immediately afterwards we're again reminded of the tragic fragility of Jennifer Aniston's state of mind as she relates a numbed litany on Oscar-nominated costume design. Every word is a barely successful omission of the trouble of coping with life after Brad.

5:46 I'm both embarassed and bored. Time for chili.

5:44 Ah, Gawker Stalker was right. Luke is carrying some success chins.

5:36 This is for all you jerks that forgot that Dolly Parton is totally wicked awesome.

5:35 "Crackin' cheese" indeed. Get off the stage, already. But hey, there's Naomi Watts, perhaps the hottest woman on earth. Silence, please.

5:33 "Wallace & Gromit" wins. Evidence that God maybe doesn't hate me too much. Then again, "Crash". Also, those bow ties are rad.

5:32 The Cash estate apparently let the Academy license "Walk the Line" for orchestral purposes. It would be cool if Zombie Cash arose from the dead and ate Gil Cates' brains.

5:29 I'd sooner have nominated "Lazy Sunday" than recognize "Narnia" for a damn thing.

5:27 With some really quick Final Cut Pro work, you really could just erase Ben Stiller from this colorcast. Seriously, they pay this guy with actual money. I think Spielberg just said "Who is that?"

5:22 Finally, a fuckin' commercial.

5:21 Jake Gyllenhaal actually out-sads Paul Giamatti.

5:20 Clooney wins. Even the smartass in me doesn't have anything funny to say.

5:18 Johnny Drama probably thinks Matt Dillon's a pussy.

5:17 I wonder who's announcing Best Supporting Actor? Oh, it's...MY EYES!!!

5:16 Charlton Heston: "Who is that man? Which one of you stole my soup?"

5:11 "Crash" sucks.

5:10 Stewart should be cracking jokes about Cheney shooting that thing off Charlize Theron's shoulder. Snap!

5:09 Mystery texting bandit, aka "some woman", ID'd as Catherine Keener.

5:08 & HE TOTALLY BONED JOHN STUART! LOL!!!

5:07 Some woman seated behind Philip Seymour Hoffman was just busted on camera texting during Stewart's opening monologue. OMG GCLOONEY IS SOOOO HOT. CALL ME WHEN U GET THIS.

5:06 Why is Jack Nicholson sitting next to Keira Knightley?

5:02 They're opening the show with some video store clerk's exceptional DMT-induced hallucination. Ratzo Rizzo just yelled at the T-800 for getting in his way at the intersection.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 574 - Feb. 13, 2006 (Jolie By 4)

So continues the Death Match catch-up... Two issues back Angelina Jolie dramatically outperformed Jennifer Aniston. Then in the last issue Aniston seized the top spot, appearing more than twice as often as Jolie. At the moment the Death Match seems to be little more than a two-player game, with Jessica Simpson waiting in the wings to occasionally sit in for a hand. This week Simpson's on the cover with speculation on her new (or is it...) dating life. Will that be enough to claim the crown?

(1) Angelina Jolie. 16 images.
The answer is no, Simpson's playing of field is just no match for Jolie's bump. As with the issue from two weeks back, Jolie shines brightest while Aniston shows dismally, this week appearing only twice! One wonders if Us feels their readers will feel less conflicted if they aren't confronted with both leading ladies at once.

(2) Jessica Simpson. 12 images.
Despite falling short of the Number One position, "Single And Loving It!" Simpson shows more than admirably. It's helped by the dismal state of her wardrobe, Us devoting six pics to catching her wearing the same outfit twice, which I shouldn't hafta tell you is just gauche. As for the cover story, it positions four bachelors in prime competition for favors: Josh Lucas (2 images), Jude Law (3), Adam Levine (2), and Trace Ayala (2). No, I don't know who Trace Ayala is either (actually, I do, but I assure you that it's in all our best interests to pretend not to). Us readers prefer Levine, and all indications suggest that J.Simp is very much in tune with their preference. But Hollywood media expert Michael Levine says
"Jessica Simpson is a brand. The man she chooses will have an impact on her career. Dating an A-lister would get her an enormous amount of attention. A romance between two superstars is a great fairytale. It would be huge for her career."
In other words, not Bachelors Number One through Four. U.N. Spacy has two concerns with this analysis: first, is J.Simp's career really in need of resuscitating? and second, isn't it possible that Michael Levine is no more than a cantankerous jealous kid brother? Younger siblings can get very bitter - take it from Ashlee! Meanwhile, ex-husband Nick Lachey (2) is said to be dating former Miss Kentucky Elizabeth Arnold (1).

(3) Brad Pitt. 8 images.
It's become altogether routine that when Jolie brings her A-game, she does so with Pitt in tow. There was a time last year when Pitt enjoyed the unique luxury of benefiting from either Jolie or Aniston features. Now he pretty much has to rely on Jolie. All things considered, that still hasn't treated him too bad in these pages.

(4) Sarah Jessica Parker. 7 images.
SJP can be depended on to appear once or twice almost every week. This week, however, she enlists the help of a Sex And The City DVD ad to rocket her into the winner's circle. By the same token, Kim Cattrall pulls four shots.

(5) Sienna Miller. 6 images.
Will Us readers still look up to Sienna after dating the angsty Anakin? There's a case to be made that her stock would fare better with Jake Lloyd.

Other notables include Teri Hatcher (5), Mariah Carey, Hayden Christensen, and Lindsay Lohan (4 each). Mischa Barton, Jake Gyllenhaal, Felicity Huffman, Michelle Kwan, Eva Longoria, Madonna, Nicole Richie, Liv Tyler, Kanye West, and little Zahara each appear thrice. Jessica Alba appears twice. Pitiable solo shoutouts go to Tom Cruise, Hilary Duff, Paris Hilton, Gwen Stafani, Hilary Swank, and Reese Witherspoon. Ominouse absenses can be attributed to Katie Holmes and Britney Spears.

Other highlights include Jennifer Garner (2) talking about her dog named Martha Stewart, editor Janice Min's very own Bump Alert, and a feature detailing how much money Us's favorite ladies sink into the upkeep of their physiques (Aniston: $163K; Longoria: $34K).

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 573 - Feb. 6, 2006 (Aniston By 3)

This is another of my catch-up Death Matches. Hopefully I'll be all caught up by Monday (cross fingers).

(1) Jennifer Aniston. 13 images.
Paybacks are such a bitch.

(2) Jessica Simpson. 10 images.
There's an article in this issue about Jessica tripping (by which is meant stumbling or falling, not asking for shoe-kisses or demanding to speak with the fucking manager). Reportedly she laughed it off with a little self-effacing humor. Goddamn, girl is so fucking down-to-earth.

(3) Britney Spears. 6 images.
"Britney wants a makeover." You're fucking kidding me.

(tie) Angelina Jolie. 6 images.
Quotables from the cover story:
"It's going to be one gorgeous baby!" - Stephanie March, actress.
"What a great way to grow up, with inspirational, role-model parents!" - Doug Liman, director.
"At the end of the day, I had to tell her, 'Don't forget to get some sleep, you're pregnant! She laughed." - Wyclef Jean, musician.
"We tell our patients, 'Not more than one drink a week.'" - Isabel Blumberg, obstetrician.
Not to worry, that last comment suggests no poor choices on Jolie's part. But I thougt it a fitting caution to Us readers for the remainder of this pregnancy.

(tie) Reese Witherspoon. 6 images.
Quite the coup for Ms. Witherspoon, but let's face it, after that Golden Globes dress fiasco, I think she had it coming to her. And in fact, that very scandal lands the Walk The Line star one of her six pics, and allows Reese to offer an olive branch to those twisted fiends over at Chanel. "It's the only dress that fit," says Reese, "and the only dress I liked." All the same, I think we can safely say there's one designer she won't be wearing to the Oscars.

Coming in with five shots apiece are Drew Barrymore and Vince Vaughn. Four each can be claimed by Paris Hilton, Brad Pitt, and Justin Timberlake, while three each shold be credited to Penelope Cruz, Catherine Keener, Ashlee Simpson, and Hilary Swank. Scarlett Johansson, Lindsay Lohan, and Sienna Miller each settled for two. Appearing only once were Jessica Alba, Mischa Barton, Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Eva Longoria, Denise Richards, Nicole Richie, and Gwen Stefani.

Oh and here's something from page 46:
"A source spotted supermodel Kate Moss, 32, and Jack Osbourne, 20, 'making out like crazy' at L.A. shot spot Teddy's on January 16. Osbourne tells Hot Stuff [ed. note: rakishly], 'I'm neither confirming nor denying it. She's a great old friend. Technically, I'm single.'"
After that "old" dig, I'd imagine so!

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Why Does Brett Ratner Hate Us?

Cam'ron Declares War On Internet Pedophilia

It's not even been a month since Cam'ron tried to instigate a war with Jay-Z, but he's back in headlines today for announcing a DVD attack on child pornography. Pitchfork Media's Kati Llewellyn and Amy Phillips cover the story better than I ever could, so I'll pretty much leave it to them:
When it comes to catching pedophiles, who do you trust more: a man in uniform, or a man in a purple chinchilla coat?

Exactly.

At a recent press conference, rapper/entrepreneur/Dipset leader Cam'ron announced that he intends to wipe out the internet child porn problem in his own special way: on DVD. According to MTV.com, Killa was inspired by an MSNBC special report on adults using the World Wide Web as a tool to set up dates with children and adolescents. So he began patrolling the internet and the streets, deceiving, confronting, shocking, and, yes, videotaping creeps on the prowl for underage victims.

Cam told MTV, "When they get there, it's gonna be me and [my manager] Big Joe like, 'What the hell are you doing, you damn pervert? What the f--- is wrong with you, coming to meet a 13-year-old boy?' We're gonna talk to them and not let them leave until we find out what's wrong with them."

Hopefully, the interrogations will also include interpolations of cheesy 80s hits, references to Dora the Explorer, Juelz Santana guest spots, and clubbing dudes over the head with a Dipset Eagle piece and/or that massive spinning globe thing Cam has been wearing around his neck lately. Because we'd really, really like to see all of that on film.

After 10 such "get-togethers" have been put to tape (the count currently stands at two), Cam'ron intends to collect 'em all on one masterpiece DVD. Can this be on the same disc as the Killa Season movie? Please?

MTV also reports that according to Cam's Diplomats, the police won't be involved in any of this. No surprise there, as Cam has repeatedly refused to cooperate with the investigation surrounding his shooting in D.C. in October. Like we always say, if you can't get along with the law, get along above it.

In other news, Jay-Z continues to wear mandals.

But there's no real surprise here. Killa Cam has long made a point of educating and protecting our youth from the modern Gomorrah out there in the streets. Take for example, the care he puts into his cautionary "On Fire Tonight" (Ed. note: This song is wildly offensive. I'm note sure anyone at U.N. Spacy's made it all the way to the finish line, so you may not actually wanna download it.)

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

'Life & Style' Announces TomKat Split

Admittedly, this isn't too far removed from a Bat Boy update. And yet, have any of these divorce rumors ever not panned out? The Cruise camp have already rebutted, stating that,
"Despite the malicious fallacies put forth by Life & Style magazine, the couple is looking forward to a long and happy life together as a family."

Monday, February 13, 2006

Us Weekly Photo Death Match - Issue 572 - Jan. 30, 2006 (Jolie By 2)

I haven't done one of these in so long that I've practically forgotten how. Considering the low level of difficulty involved, I assure you that's nothing to boast about. And by the way, many apologies for the pitiable state of this blog this month. I'll not make excuses, nor will I promise or even confidently suggest that it won't happen again. Anyways, I've got a backlog of four issues of the glorious Us Weekly to tally up, so let's rush on through this. I don't know about you guys, but I'm eager to get to last friday's "Hooker Scandal" cover story.

(1) Angelina Jolie. 11 images.
Jennifer Aniston can seize as many magazine covers as she wants, but the sad truth is that prime checkout aisle real estate doesn't necessarily translate into Death Match gold. I mean no offense when I say this, but this is Baby Machine Weekly we're talking about. I know, I know. It's some cold shit.

(2) Britney Spears. 9 images.
Us reports that Brit's been truckin' about without her wedding band. Even as late as I'm covering this story, it was already yesterday's papers by the time Us got their paws on it.

(3) Jessica Simpson. 8 images.
No shit, Us actually runs an "Eyes and Lips Update," charting the degree of suspicious puffiness in disparate regions of her heavily made-up face. Us plastic surgery expert Mitchell Chasin claims that Restylane appears to be Jess's filler of choice. If Chasin had his wits about him, he traded this underhanded endorsement for some swag first. And oh yeah, Jess supposedly had a sleep-over party with edgy rock star Adam Levine (of Maroon 5 fame) on January 15th at the Chateau Marmont. But I'm guessing our readers are savy enough to already know all about that.

(tie) Brad Pitt. 8 images.
Here I'll bypass some of the drama and let slip that Jen doesn't make the Death Match cut this week. Also that Maddox reads Newsweek. It's pretty cute.

(4) Sean Preston Federline. 6 images.
Now that he's behind the wheel, I figure we'll see more of this kid in the coming weeks. And yes, that was about the lamest comment I could've typed in for young S.P. impressive showing. What can I say, I'm outta my game. And seriously, what else is there to say about the kid?

(tie) Scarlett Pomers. 6 images.
For the uninitiated, when you find yourself saying "Who?", you're looking at a human interest story.

The more famous Scarlett, Scarlett Johansson, capitalized impressively on Lindsay Lohan's nasty bathroom graffiti. With a little help from that story, both stars manage five shots. Other notables include Kate Beckinsale, Beyonce Knowles, Nicole Richie, also with five shots apiece. Showing respectably is, yes, Jennifer Aniston with four pics. And yes, that does indeed mean Jen was outshined by the not-pregnant star of Underworld: Evolution. George Clooney and Brittany Murphy also pulled four apiece. Settling for two images each are Kristin Cavallari (one in fashion police), Paris Hilton, Katie Holmes, Sienna Miller, and Hilary Swank. And, I almost forget, this ish contains a catty guess-which-female-celeb-is-older feature. The full spread and appropriate commentary can be found at Media Orchard. Enjoy.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

We Roll Our Lazy Asses Out of Bed...


...Just to show you this amazing piece of video. Stick with it for a minute. I can't believe Brit-Brit might have let him knock her up a second time. I guess water finds its own level.